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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me

35 replies

notagain1234 · 11/06/2011 23:34

Where do I start. I have been married for 9 years 2DC but I am so unhappy DH is very controlling. I feel like I am walking on egg shells waiting for the next mouthful of abuse. I want to leave but he says he will fight for custody how can I leave DD and DS with him

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 11/06/2011 23:39

First of all, he can fight all he wants, but there has to be very good reason that he will get custody.

If you get chance, ring Womens Aid, or just look on their website as there is a lot of fantastic helpful advice on there too.

You dont need to be subjected to abuse of any kind, and nor do your children. His threat is just another way to try and control you.

lifechanger · 11/06/2011 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

malibustac · 11/06/2011 23:39

Just because he says he'll fight for custody doesn't mean he'll get it. Contact womans aid they will help get you and your children to safety. Are you ok? Is he violent?

Original poster
notagain1234 · 11/06/2011 23:42

I am fine just very upset at being made to feel worthless in so many ways and DC are starting to copy him now

OP posts:
buzzsore · 11/06/2011 23:43

He's just using the threat of custody to control & keep you where you are. The chances are extremely low that he would be awarded sole custody of the children.

Unbiased, solid information is what you need to help you see through his manipulation: try a chat with a solicitor, they often do free half-hour starting consultations.

malibustac · 11/06/2011 23:43

Just because he says he'll fight for custody doesn't mean he'll get it. Contact womans aid they will help get you and your children to safety. Are you ok? Is he violent?

lifechanger · 11/06/2011 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

malibustac · 11/06/2011 23:45

Didn't mean to post twice sorry

Original poster
notagain1234 · 11/06/2011 23:45

I am OK he is rough sometimes just pushing not to bad. He won't go everything is his and it is all about him. Yes I would leave with the children but feel so guilty, Thank you fro listening

OP posts:
GooGooGadget · 11/06/2011 23:49

everything isn't his, and everything isn't about him.

In a legal sense they will prioritise your children.

People here will help you.

lifechanger · 11/06/2011 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
notagain1234 · 11/06/2011 23:50

I don't know how to begin I suppose seeing a solicitor. I just feel like packing the car up and driving

OP posts:
sunshineandbooks · 11/06/2011 23:53

notagain you sound so unhappy. [sad[ If you want to leave and he's making you so unhappy, please just leave. Please don't let fear stop you. Your fear is rational but it is part of the cycle of control and abuse. Breaking that cycle doesn't mean you stop being afraid straight away, but by fighting back it lessens.

Abusers nearly always say they will go for custody. It's like they all learn it from a script. The truth is that they say it because they know you will fear it above all things and therefore it is the perfect threat to control you.

The truth is that most of them would not want the responsibility that comes with residency. Unless your H is the one staying home when they're sick, the one taking them to the dentist and doctor, the one making sure their bags are correctly packed for school, the one taking them to school (etc etc), he is extremely unlikely to follow through on this threat and even if he did, if you can show you're the one who's done all this, you'd end up with the DC and he'd only get the usual every other weekend and a weekday night that most non-resident parents get.

Please talk to women's aid. They can say all this so much better than i and give you so much support. In the meantime, try to get all your important documents (birth certificates etc) in one place and pack an 'emergency' bag with all these things in. You may find that one day you just need to go right now and having these things in easy reach can make the difference in how easy it is to start afresh.

I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best. Smile

Original poster
notagain1234 · 11/06/2011 23:55

He is very hands off. I work o.5wte and do all the childcare. He is in a responsible job though (Dr) and to the outside world seems lovely. If it wasn't for the kids I would be gone

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 11/06/2011 23:56

Do you have anywhere to drive to?

If you go, take your children with you.

Pushing is just a fraction away from punching. It is not acceptable and you should never let him get away with treating you like that.

If your kids are starting to copy him, then it really is time to do something about it, before they grow up thinking that this is what a normal relationship is.

I speak from sad experience here as my stepson grew up with his mother, watching her lurch from one violent relationship to the next, and he has gone on to treat every one of his girlfriends violently. :(

HerHissyness · 11/06/2011 23:56

OK, it's OK, it'll BE OK! Promise!

Take a deep breath, and relax.

He doesn't get to control you, he has no right to. Oh sure he may feel entitled to do so, but he's WRONG.

Please contact your local Women's Aid, call the help line and talk through your situation with them. They will help guide you on money, accommodation, what you need to get together and how to get away.

The CAB are also fabulous and can help advise you on benefits and legalities.

He has no right to push you
He has no right even to frighten you
You don't deserve this
Your DC don't either
YOU ALL need to get away from this vile man

Please don't feel guilty. HE is choosing to do this to you, HE is mistreating you, he lost the chance to have a family the moment he started to try to manipulate, scare or intimidate you. If anyone should be feeling guilty, it's HIM. Remember that if it helps!

HerHissyness · 11/06/2011 23:57

Oh they are ALL lovely to the outside world.... every single one of them. Angry

You know better! You can (and will) get free! Grin

Mamaz0n · 11/06/2011 23:59

His threats of custody are just further evidence of his controling and abuse.
His job has no bearing on whether he would get custody. The courts will not be fooled by his outer community appearance, they will have seen many Dr;s in their time.

Is leaving your only option or could you make him leave? Do you think you would be able to cope with that? Because there are legal steps you can take to have him removed from your house if that is what you would like.

Alternatively do you have funds to leave?

Original poster
notagain1234 · 11/06/2011 23:59

thank you so much. I need to follow through. He is often nice for a short while when he realises he has pushed me this far

OP posts:
Original poster
notagain1234 · 12/06/2011 00:01

leaving is my only option, I have asked him to leave before and he refuses and says you go but take nothing

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/06/2011 00:06

He is talking bollocks, and doing so to scare you and to control you.

You CAN leave, and then you can take him through the courts. In the profession he is in, he has little choice but to comply with what the courts say he has to do.

If you can bide your time for a couple of weeks, get a plan into place, passports, clothes in a suitcase to tide you over for a few days, jewellery, documents that you may need, and some money in an account he cant touch. Then leave.

He cant stop you.

Mamaz0n · 12/06/2011 00:09

The being nice is actually further abuse. He is super nice because it debases you. It makes you question whether he really is the bad man, you start to think that maybe it was something you did or that you imagined it.

You are already realising that he is abusing you, that is the first and most important step.

Whilst you get your head around your next step i would advise doing some preparation. Getting legal documents like marriage certificate, mortgage, bank accounts etc copied. Post them to a friend or family member so that they can keep them safe.

get a bag of essentials packed up just in case things ever get bad and you do feel you just need to leave immediately. Leave it in the car or at a pals house.

If you are able to save some cash secretly as an emergency fund do so.

Do speak to womens aid. Even if you aren't ready to leave just now they will be able to help. They can arrange for an outreach worker to meet with you and support you whilst you are still at home. They can also help explain your options or work with you to organise leaving in a way that you will feel comfortable with.

A lot of women think that they will be wasting Womens Aid's time as their situation isn't "serious enough" I can assure you that that is never the case.

And last but not least, keep posting. There are (sadly) so many women on here who have been through what you are going through, and many more who are in the exact same position. You will be supported through this.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 12/06/2011 00:11

Make an appointment with a solicitor when he's out of the house. Get advice. He doesn't hold all the cards, much as he will tell you he does.

You can break free of this.

Original poster
notagain1234 · 12/06/2011 00:14

I live for the days he is away we feel so free, I can and will do this, might take time but I will. I need to

OP posts:
Mamaz0n · 12/06/2011 00:17

That is the only decision you need to make right now OP.

You only take things one day at a time and don't do anything you aren't entirely comfortable with. If you don't feel safe then don't do it.

But you will get there. It may be a long and sometimes bumpy road but one day you will be sitting in a place of peace and happiness and you will look back at this day as the start of your new life.