Please help me

[notagain1234]

Where do I start. I have been married for 9 years 2DC but I am so unhappy DH is very controlling. I feel like I am walking on egg shells waiting for the next mouthful of abuse. I want to leave but he says he will fight for custody how can I leave DD and DS with him

Thank you I must go to bed will get into DD bed

It took me 3 goes but I got out in the end. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. You CAN do this, and you will. You are stronger than you know. Once you've done it you'll never look back.
x

Love, he doesn't GET to call the shots in your life. He ballsed that up!

if you want to go, you CAN go, you CAN take your children, YOU ARE their (hands ON) mother. He IS abusive.

You are right about the only thing left is to leave. There is no reasoning with these men, they will never, ever see it, never GET it. The abusers pretty much follow almost to a word, the same kind of script, but just subtle tweaks that are designed and honed for maximum effect/return against you.

You can't reason with these people, you can't negotiate a decent life out of them. It means they have to GIVE UP the entitlement to RULE you, and they won't do that, for anything, why would they.

They have eroded our rights for their own. They have stolen ours, they are not just going to wake up one morning and say "Whoops darling, I seem to have totally shattered your self esteem, destroyed your life, made you feel worthless so that I can feel all-powerful, I am so sorry, I'll stop it right now."

That will never, ever happen.

Believe me.

I've tried.

10 long years I tried. Now I am OUT. and it is better. The only eggshells I walk on these days are the ones from my (sooo much happier and chilled) DS Egg and Soldiers.

You have to see through all the shit he spouts, you have to challenge everything he says in your mind, because HE is working to an agenda. Your total submission.

Contact Women's Aid. Even if you don't feel ready to leave yet they will help set you up for when you are ready to do so.

You mentioned your DCs are now mimicking their fathers treatment of you. Please, please do consider leaving for the sake of your self worth. No-one, not your DCs or your DH should treat you like this.

Your DCs are only copying behaviour they have witnessed, but you can regain control of them, you just need the strength to be able to do so, and you sound so low at the moment.

I really hope you are ok, OP, but MN is a great support network in the meantime (please go get real help though).

Thank you so much just written down the number of a solicitor to contact on Monday

Stay safe love, and come back whenever you need to, someone's always here!

((hugs))

before you see the solicitor try and take some time gathering your thoughts on paper.
try and build a timeline of the relationship and when the abuse started.

Detail the "first worst and last" incident s if you can.

It will mean that when you see your solicitor you will have a clearer picture of what has happened and what you want to happen.
It will be more constructive than trying to work through it all once yo uare in the room with him.

If there are any incidents betwen now and seeing your solicitor then write it down, keep a note of everything.

notagain Please please please take your children. My sister left her children with their Dad because of all the "I will kill myself if you take them" and all the other shite he spouted. Her children have never recovered from her leaving although regular contact was maintained. Her son rarely contacts her and her daughter regularly makes her feel guilty about it (I think she is still angry).

My friend who's Mother did the same is married with 2 DC, her husband is useless and abusive (emotionally) she won't leave..EVER because he says he will keep the kids and, because of her past, she won't leave them.

Therefore I have seen 2 very very close examples where the Mother has left the children and the impact has been irreparable.

This is not meant to offend any Mother who has left their children, there are always mitigating circumstances I'm sure, this is just a real life observation for the OP to take into consideration.

An awful position to be in OP, I really feel for you.

notagain1234,

Do contact the Solicitor on Monday. The first step to get out is often the hardest one to take but take that step you must. All your words are those of an abused woman and all that you write about him is totally characteristic of what these abusive men do; its textbook and is all designed to keep you in line. Controlling behaviour in all its forms is abusive and I note he is also not above pushing you now; that is also violent behaviour which can escalate.

Do phone Womens Aid as well.

Abusers are very plausible to those in the outside world and their true colours only really emerge behind closed doors. You cannot go on like this; he will wreak your childrens lives as well as yours if you remain within this abuse.

My guess is he learnt such behaviours from his own parents marriage; one or both of them is controlling.

"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is a good read for women in your situation of abuse. You also need to start enlisting help in order to escape this man; controlling men do not let go of their victims easily. Womens Aid will help you here too as well as a solicitor.

Your children and you need to stay together as a unit (absolutely not apart) - and away from their abusive dad. Leaving them with him will increase their own damage being done to them by their Dad; damage that will go onto affect them in adulthood and their own future relationships. By now copying his behaviour this is also being imprinted onto them too, they are also being damaged here emotionally. The importance of taking them with you and out of this really cannot be overstated.

Controlling men as well take a considerable amount of time (perhaps years) to recover from; you and your children need further help and support in that regard. The "Freedom programme" run by Womens Aid could help you in the longer term; if that was available in your area do attend those particular sessions.

My ex-husband was the main carer but he still didn't get full residence. These things he says, that everything is his and you won't get the children, they are simply lies.

If you don't feel comfortable with the first solicitor you see, try another. They should be specialists in family law/divorce and ideally members of Resolution.