DH ex jealousy over our lives.

[facefull]

I am sick to the back teeth of this as I am dragged into it for no good reason. I really need somebody to stop me smashing my Dh ex girlfriend to pieces.

They have an 8 year old daughter together, but have not been together since she was 1 year old. I met him when she was 5. Everything was fine, until we had our first son and OH MY GOD the trouble his ex has caused!

The day he was born, she made excuses why Dd could not visit. When he was 6 weeks old she lied to Dh that I left her daughter alone to 'babysit' when I had a shower!!!!! Baby was asleep, bathroom door was kept open and his daughter was watching tv. Shower and out in maybe 3 mins! How is this babysitting???

Dh told her she was being stupid, I told her also that she got it wrong. To which we were told 'are you calling my daughter a liar'. She has made other stuff up too and made various excuses for her not staying over, never answers text or phone but when it comes to her getting her money she answers it then.

Roll on another baby boy born in April and she has not let him see his daughter since Feb. She has not seen the baby.

She has told him that she is changing the agreement again and he is not having her at christmas and it was his turn this year. Then she stated if he wanted to see her he would have to take her to court. There has never been any abuse or stuff so its just pure spite in my eyes.

Now I have to listen to it all at home about everything she does. She is a stubborn, spiteful, bitter person who never moved on since they split in my eyes but it's wearing me down now.

The thing is i know she is a BENEFIT FRAUDSTER!.....She has not been telling them that Dh has been giving her money each month for the daughter. It would be equally spitefull and nasty of me to report her and to be honest Im trying to stay away negative stuff and I know his would just blow up big time.

How on earth can we resolve this without spending thousands in court or it turning really nasty. I just don't know why she does not want her daughter to have a relationship with her father.

Thanks for reading.

DWP do not care any more if lone parents on IS get child maint. Unless it is over £6K p.a. so that piece of spite is completely pointless.

Maintenance is separate, whatever you get in maintenance does stop you getting benefits. So she's not a benefit fraudster from what you've said. What that got to do with access anyway?

x posted Katie.

great minds teddy

4 months without seeing her

Get an order in court to see her and to avoid problems with money just pay her through the CSA.

I did not mean benefits for her. She is claiming money for her child and told them she has no idea who the dad is. Not that I would see a child go without but thought it might be a 'bargaining' tool in getting access resolved.

Still does not matter a hoot. CTC and CHB do not give a shit, neither do HB and CTB you fruitcake

Fruitcake! Thanks Im really distressed about my Husband not seeing his daugher and the effects its having on the whole family, to the point were I cannot put up with getting dragged into it anymore. Thanks again.

Go to court as was suggested earlier, blackmail is neither nice, nor a viable option in this case.

I'm not surprised you're distressed, she sounds like a total nightmare - your poor dh must be beside himself after not seeing her for 4 months.

You really need to get a solicitor and establish proper contact.

I would really start again with this and leave the subject of money out of it if you want any help here with your DH and access.

Money matters and access must be kept separate.

When you say she's changing the agreement was there a contact order in place or is this just what was agreed between the two of them?

I would have a last ditch attempt to get her to allow access before applying to court.

Perhaps he could set out in a very reasonable letter that he's not happy to continue without seeing his daughter, 'you haven't allowed me to see her since (date)' Set out the access he would like e.g alternate weekends, time during school holidays, alternate christmases eg. Ask for her agreement to this access, does she find it fair, if not what would she prefer. ask for a written reply that she either agrees or to propose what she would like. Send it 'signed for' post.

This will be essential when if you do have to apply to the Court and demonstrates that your DH has been denied access, wants access, has reasonably set out what he would like and given her the opportunity to input what she wants.

Take it from there, - good luck.

i've probably crossed posts massively now, sorry.

Go through the courts and do everything via the legal channels.

It is the only way to get results from some people when they think they hold all the cards.

Your DH steps up to the mark and sees a solicotor to sort regular access to his child. It doesn't have to cost thousands - a couple of letters may be all it takes to make her realise he's serious.
You smile sweetly at her antics, bite your tongue and don't react.
And forget about trying to get her done for benefit fraud becasue she isn't doing anything wrong.

Thanks Squeakytoy and Yoshi, I have calmed down now! To go through legal channels is going to be a huge emotional and financial strain. As she would get legal aid cause she wont bother to work and we both work.

According to benefit fraud hotline she is. Plus she was claiming housing benefit when her boyfriend was living and working there. BUT, you are all right in that I should not go down this route and at the end of the day, even as a tax payer it is none of my business what arrangement Dh has with her. Im just fed up but Sassybeast hopefully what you suggest might just work!

Your Dh must be heartbroken not seeing his daughter for so long. There are so many dads who can't be arsed but here is one who wants to see his daughter but can't :( imho only the legal route will help you now. I would stop paying child maintenance and put that money towards court and solicitors fees. Not your fault that his dd will now go without, its her mums fault for being so unreasonable. Just make sure you have proof of all past payments. Hopefully mediation will sort it quickly but who knows.. best of luck

You don't sound very nice tbh, why don't you stop phoning up fraud hotlines and go to court to arrange access. You both work, you can afford a solicitor can't you. How important is it that he sees his daughter ffs.

For your own mental health, you need to step back and breathe. Granted, she's a vicious bitch who is using her child to get at your DH, but you need to focus on what you can deal with - which is to try to re-establish the relationship between your DH and his daughter.

Firstly, he needs to try mediation. Even if you think it will not work, it would be the first step and expected by the courts before you apply. He needs to organise it and attend himself - they will contact the ex. She may simply feel that her concerns should be listened to and some assurances given about the safety of her child. He could write to the ex beforehand, stating that he is concerned about the lack of contact and asking her to consider mediation. She will look bad if she turns it down.

Secondly, court should be the last resort (don't like the blithe 'take her to court' throwaway lines, as it can be very stressful, upsetting and the child would probably be interviewed) but it does not have to be hugely expensive. It Your DH should join Families Need Fathers who can give him excellent advice about self-representing. If there was an established contact pattern prior to the birth of your children, then it will be difficult to argue that there are any safety concerns, and you could ask for an interim order to return to that level of contact. This is a particularly good idea if you think the ex is nasty enough to start alienating the child.

Stay calm and healthy yourself, no matter what accusations are levelled at you. Don't slag off the ex and take any indication that the child is distressed seriously (even if you think the mother has caused it) Be solution focussed and child-centred.

Finally, if you are concerned that there may be a problem further down the line with maintenance, I would suggest the CSA. It is all very well for people to be rude, but if OP's DH has been giving his ex undeclared cash in hand, he can be liable for a backdated CSA claim - that is, as the ex is on benefits, it automatically opens a CSA claim and there may be several years of arrears. If the ex suddenly 'remembered' the details of the child's father, OP's DH would have to prove not only that he gave his ex money, but that this was for the sole purpose of maintaining his child. I don't suppose he has receipts, so that could amount to thousands. So perhaps people could be a little less judgey?

Balia, really I am trying to stay calm, with a 10 week old baby and a toddler, and me ' down in the dumps' so to speak, im hanging in there.. just. If she, as you say decides to own up about what she has been given we are looking at around £30,000 to be given to back to the CSA as I know there is no proof of payments apart from a few times when it was paid into her account. So in effect we will be paying for his daughter twice!

And Teddy, we have been told if she does not play fair at court it will cost between 15,000 and 25,000 and up to two years back and forth between solicitor. Working or not that is alot of money. And You don't know me, you have only seen the distressed side of me on here, so I wont take offence at your comment:-)

You DO NOT need a solicitor for court. Plenty of information available online, places like custodyminefield.com, separateddads.co.uk etc etc, try googling 'fathers rights' 'family court procedure' 'parental responsibility'.

Have your DH educate himself on what his rights are. Self representation is the best representation. She will get a solicitor on legal aid and be made to sit at the back of the court room in silence like a naughty child while he and the sol discuss an agreement.

The C100 form is the one you need. Download it from HMCS website, fill it out, print off 4 copies (one for your records, one to file at court, one to serve to her and one for any representation you hire) and get it down to her (not yours) local county court and get it filed. It costs £200 to file at court and that should be the only cost necessary. Hire a solicitor and they will charge you twice simply to fill it out let alone file and serve it.

She doesn't believe he will take her to court, give her a surprise.

Thanks CTCA. I will check that out. It would all be so much easier if she agreed to sort it out. I asked her if she would be willing to sit down with Dh and two neutral people and sort out their problems, but she wont so I know she is gonna be very stobborn. I will just make sure everything is in writing now.

Well unless things have changed the maintenance won't need to be back paid if CSA have never contacted him before. When I was trying to get maintenance from my ex I was told they could only ask for money from the date they sent the first letter to him requesting it. It took them ages to do anything so he went for years without paying maintenance. Although its still probably best to start making payments by standing order or cheque or get receipts from her or whatever from now on as it will reflect better on him if he can prove he has being paying.

Pesha, as far as I know that is only true when the details of the Dad are passed to the CSA - they can only backdate to when they contact him. But benefits cases are opened automatically.

She has refused to sign for the payments, and wont accept anything other than cash. She wont even reply to a text if it involves acknowledging money given to her. He has never been asked for money from the CSA as when they split it was a mutual thing and he did not forsee a future problem with her. I wish he had of done now! He does not want his daughter to go without but should he hold on to the money until this is sorted or risk paying out twice. What a mess!