DH ex jealousy over our lives.

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I am sick to the back teeth of this as I am dragged into it for no good reason. I really need somebody to stop me smashing my Dh ex girlfriend to pieces.

They have an 8 year old daughter together, but have not been together since she was 1 year old. I met him when she was 5. Everything was fine, until we had our first son and OH MY GOD the trouble his ex has caused!

The day he was born, she made excuses why Dd could not visit. When he was 6 weeks old she lied to Dh that I left her daughter alone to 'babysit' when I had a shower!!!!! Baby was asleep, bathroom door was kept open and his daughter was watching tv. Shower and out in maybe 3 mins! How is this babysitting???

Dh told her she was being stupid, I told her also that she got it wrong. To which we were told 'are you calling my daughter a liar'. She has made other stuff up too and made various excuses for her not staying over, never answers text or phone but when it comes to her getting her money she answers it then.

Roll on another baby boy born in April and she has not let him see his daughter since Feb. She has not seen the baby.

She has told him that she is changing the agreement again and he is not having her at christmas and it was his turn this year. Then she stated if he wanted to see her he would have to take her to court. There has never been any abuse or stuff so its just pure spite in my eyes.

Now I have to listen to it all at home about everything she does. She is a stubborn, spiteful, bitter person who never moved on since they split in my eyes but it's wearing me down now.

The thing is i know she is a BENEFIT FRAUDSTER!.....She has not been telling them that Dh has been giving her money each month for the daughter. It would be equally spitefull and nasty of me to report her and to be honest Im trying to stay away negative stuff and I know his would just blow up big time.

How on earth can we resolve this without spending thousands in court or it turning really nasty. I just don't know why she does not want her daughter to have a relationship with her father.

Thanks for reading.

Your Dh future csa payments will only be backdated to the date of her application to them so you won't have to pay twice. Your Dh could even go to the csa himself and ask for his payments to go thru them. They'll ask for about 10% of his earnings i think and none of yours. As i said before i wouldn't make anymore payments until i was asked to by the csa and instead our that money to good use by getting legal advice and setting up mediation. My brother went to court to seek access to his son. He filled the relevant forms himself seeking a contact order and paid the court fee. At court he represented himself while the mother had legal aid and was given contact every other weekend plus holidays. It doesn't have to cost a bomb if you do your research and the judge us likelt to refer you to mediation anyway to keep costs down.

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Not much to add from what other posters have said, but agree on the following:

1. Forget about her benefits - doesn't matter - no idea if she is committing fraud or not, but it's not the issue here. Totally understand the nature of it is informing your overall opinion of her, don't think that makes you a "fruitcake" (very harsh imho), but it doesn't matter here. And if she is, and if you did report it honestly it won't help the situation, it'll hinder it.

1. Maintenance - alarm bells ringing here. If she is only accepting cash and not acknowledging in any recordable form that she's receiving money from your DH that sounds concerning. I'd get your DH to contact CSA asap and start seeing what can be done to sort that out. I also agree that Families Need Fathers would be a brilliant organisation for him to join and seek advice from both on maintenance and contact.

1. Contact - definitely not right to remove like that - not good for DD for starters. What was the nature of his contact prior to you having your first baby? Was it casual or was it structured? Did your DH keep a diary of the times he spent with DD? Not everyone does I know, why would they if it's all smooth and seems amicable? But if he has it could he helpful. And totally agree the steps go "request contact is re-established through letter - if this is not forthcoming request mediation - if that isn't forthcoming then Court". And I'd also add my solicitor advised me to write in original letter what the steps would be if change in Contact was forthcoming after letter - i.e. at the end write very neuatrally if matter can't be resolved between us I will seek mediation and if the matter cannot be resolved through that route I will apply to the Family Court for X. It's not a threat it's an outline of what will happen. Can get taken as a threat but seriously, what can you do...

1. Solicitors can be very helpful with this and with some pre-meet research and advice from organisations like Families Need Fathers 1 session (approx £200) could be helpful in terms of checking how any letter is written / checking Court application in case it might be needed and how that is written / etc. However as pointed out it's also possible to circumnavigate completely and there is absolutely no need to have any legal representation at a first stage Court hearing (called a Directions meeting).

1. People's opinion's on Court will vary wildly but from personal experience all I can say is it's really not that scary a place. My ex apparently found the idea of Court very distressing and the session itself a little difficult but I really didn't - I mean it wasn't a picnic and it was emotionally draining, but it was also very positive. The CAFCASS (child welfare) Officer and Judge at my Court hearing were both absolutely brilliant, cut through the "personal issues", focused on what's best for the child and really tried hard to encourage agreement between my ex and me. They were very understanding and there was no judgement as to me being "a bad man for putting the mother of my child through something she found so distressing" - though they did point out that ex was finding it very distressing and I think that was also very responsible of them. I know many, many mothers on these boards will disagree with me but going to Court really is not the biggest deal there is and normally is just a reflection that co-parents who have split up need a bit of help to sort themselves out. It doesn't cost much (unless you start hiring expensive Barristers) - £200 approx for application I think - and everything is done to make it a non combative experience. It's not like a Court in a TV crime drama, it's a room with a Judge in it (not in full regalia but smart clothes) - and then there are chat's with a CAFCASS Officer (either separately or together depending on preference of both parents involved) to try and ascertain what's going on and why things are how they are. Sometimes Court's do decide that what the mother thinks is best in terms of Contact isn't best for the child but (put's on tin hat) maybe, just maybe, sometimes mother's let their own personal feelings about ex's get in the way of what really is best for their children.

Anyway good luck to you and your DH. It's really sweet that you care so much that it winds you up this much, but if you can channel that energy into helping DH take practical steps to change the situation rather than focusing on the negative feelings about her may feel less wearing? It's understandable though. And I guess if I had anything negative to say it's probably along the lines of using emotive language like "smashing her to pieces" is a little over the top. I'm not really meant like that though ifyswim.

Thank you for that post Time. Very useful. I have not reported her and 'I' did not ring the Benefit fraud hotline as a previous poster stated, i am only stating what I know from what Dh has told me. I just spoke to him about all this and sadly it looks like he is going to give up. Hopefully he will think it through again. Anger makes us say stupid things. I would not really smash her to pieces Im all talk and no bite lol. I blame it on being Irish! Think I was clutching at straws to think I could 'prompt' her to play fair. Thanks for the advice.

I have a question: does your DH really genuinely want to see his dd? What has he been doing to facilitate this? Why are you tearing your hair out and asking for (brilliant) advice on here when really he should be sorting this out... he should be finding out all this info, not you.

My exH had a terribly destructive nightmare ex. I went round and round in circles trying to sort it all out for him - PR orders, solicitors, access, silent treatment and ghastly treatment from her.

In the end he proved that actually he couldn't be bothered with either of us or any of his kids and he just left us all up shit creek.

All I am saying is, be careful. Look after yourself and your dcs first. Your H sounds a bit of a lax idiot who likes to see women fighting over him.

If you don't want to be 'in the middle of it', why don't you butt the hell out and let your partner sort out his own life? You all sound as bad as each other tbh. Very rarely are all the problems one person's fault, and 'the terrible ex' is usually (IMO always) a cliche used by people who are a bit crap themselves. Maybe she'd be nicer if you lot didn't go round calling her 'stupid' when she raises valid concerns?

My ex's good friend has just taken his ex wife to court regarding contact and it was all really straight forward, she tried to throw in a few allegations and apparantly the judge curtly told her thats not what they were there for.
I wouldn't have imagined it would have cost too much either as he's not much more than minimum wage.
Would be worth speaking to a solicitor, ex's friend is now getting a night during the week and every other weekend.

There are a lot of nasty people on MN just now.

OP is frustrated by the situation and trying to help her DH and DSD. At NO time did she say she had phoned the benefits office she was mearly pointing out that she COULD cause trouble.

OP l think you should persuade your DH not to give up but to persue the CSA route. In the longrun l think both DH and DSD will thank you for it.

Good luck

I think you've had some good advice. It's your SDs right to have regular contact with her father, and the courts will uphold this.

Definitely book a mediation session, they will contact the ex, if she refuses to attend you can then start legal proceedings, but the court will want to see that mediation has been attempted.

Your DH can self represent at court, which massively reduces the cost, and it seems like a fairly straight forward issue. If he's concerned about going by himself he can take a "MacKenzie friend" who could support him and explain any legal terms or issues.

Good luck, and I think it's commendable that you care enough about your SD to try and help DH maintain contact.

KatieScarlett I wasn't aware there was a limit on how much child maintenance a single parent on IS could receive in a year.

I do know that a single parent on IS who has more than £6K in savings has their benefits reduced on a sliding scale, but AFAIK, it is debatable what constitutes savings. EG; If a NRP pays £6K maintenance a week and the money was spent within the week, there seems to be some confusion over whether in this instance it would count as savings.

Does anyone know the answer to this?

If she is as awful as you say, then maybe going through the courts to get regular access would be beneficial?

BTW receiving maintenance while claiming benefits does not count as fraud, so you may wish to educate yourself on this topic.

It's commendable that your care so much about your SD's welfare (that is genuine, btw not sarcastic!)

I understand it must be awful to see your DH being hurt and SD being used as a pawn.

Really, in this situation court might well be for the best?

First things first. Change the pay you pay maintenance immeditately. Pay it in to her bank account on a monthly basis. If you have no proof of payment you're in the shit if she ever decides to do anything about it. You should have at least got written receipts.

Secondly, before going down the court route, have you tried Mediation?

Just seen your post re maintenance. Don't give her the option. Pay it into her account. When she asks where it is, tell her. Tell her it's that or nowt.

Yes, she could then go to the CSA, and that could cause you an issue, but sooner or later you need to stand up to her and stop letting her have all the control.

Seriously. I've been there with DH's ex. Eventually we stopped letting her have all the control and now (6 years later) things are actually pretty friendly.

You need to do something, or you're going to be dealing with this your whole lives.