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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting married in secret!

45 replies

thebird · 10/06/2011 20:03

DP and I have been together for 10 years and have 2 darling DCs! We've been engaged for 7 years but with young kids and a lack of funds we never got to the wedding bit.

We've decided to skip across to Gibraltar to get wed while on holiday on Spain later this summer. We've also decided not to tell anyone to avoid the fuss(and expense) of family or friends wanting to come along. Basically it's just us and the kids. Problem is I'm worried about offending family by leaving them out and also worried about it being a bit rubbish being somewhere strange just us on a special day.

Would be grateful to hear from anyone out there who's done the same:)

OP posts:
ClangingBangers · 10/06/2011 20:07

Sorry, but it sounds like you want the fullish-monty-nice wedding. Go for it. Doesnt have to be expensive.

stop letting your tight soon-to-be husband talk you out of it.

Original poster
thebird · 10/06/2011 20:15

No way I would hate the fuss of a full on wedding! And it would be expensive and complicated as I have a big family and DPs parents are divorced and don't speak. I just hope that people understand(my MIL in particular) and won't be upset at being left out.

OP posts:
Maternelle · 10/06/2011 20:19

We went and got married on our own in Italy, just the 2 of us. We did tell people and explained our reasons (budget, divorced parents etc...) and if family was a teeny bit upset, they didn't show us much. Go for it.

SaggyHairyArse · 10/06/2011 20:21

I got married abroad and I did offend people as we went on our own but c'est la vie!

Basically I we said that we weren't inviting anyone and then no one could be offended and so we went on our own. We had a lovely day and did not miss not having a big gathering, we didn't have a big party back home either as we thought that defeated the object of going away to get married.

With regards to the MIL, maybe you could make a fuss of her and take her somewhere special for dinner and for her to be the first to know?

chrisonabike · 10/06/2011 20:26

At least one person will get the right old hump. It's usually somebody you expect to be reasonable too..

If you can really handle that, then do it.

buzzsore · 10/06/2011 20:32

I think it's a little unfair on the family not to even tell them. Fair enough to have the wedding you want, but I think it's a bit rude to exclude them entirely.

squeakytoy · 10/06/2011 20:34

I think they will understand if you tell them beforehand. Telling them after is quite hurtful in my experience.

SingOut · 10/06/2011 20:36

It's their wedding, surely? families aren't in any way entitled to feel annoyed if they're not part of it. Hmm

buzzsore · 10/06/2011 20:45

But why keep it a secret? I'm not saying they should give up their intimate wedding and invite everybody.

All I'm saying is, a wedding's a joyful occasion, family will want to be happy for the people they love getting married. Just being able to think about the pair of them having their wedding on the day and maybe send a message of congratulation?

I do think we owe our families consideration. Not if the relatives are assholes, obviously, but if it's a fairly 'normal' family.

ClangingBangers · 10/06/2011 20:50

Yep, singout families can feck the feckity feck off and when they get there feck off more and dont ever think they are necessary. fecking bastard useless families.

I quite agree.

Hope the OP isnt expecting to inherit anything.

cos it aint non of her or her hubby's business what happens with the family stuff.
feck off the lot I say and have your wedding in secret than announce it flamboyantly to the non-speaking wankers.

oh, and if you have kiddies, make sure they know the full backlground and preferably keep kids away from toxic family

Ragwort · 10/06/2011 20:50

I think it's a great idea - you've been together a long time and have children so surely no one can expect the 'virginal white dress' scenario - just do it and tell people (quietly and without making a fuss about it) afterwards.

Quite honestly I would be seriously hacked off to be invited to a 'wedding' of a couple who had been together for 7 years and had two children. Grin.

I would genuinely love to know why people get so het up about weddings, I just don't see what the fuss is about. I hope to goodness my DS does not want a big white wedding; I hope he elopes.

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 10/06/2011 20:51

My sister did this and our family weren't offended - they were/are really, genuinely upset that she didn't want them there (and I was there so that's not just me being grumpy!). I'd think twice, it's not about people being unreasonable or getting the hump, but about how they feel.

Ragwort · 10/06/2011 20:52

Clanging - not sure what your point is Confused?

PotteringAlong · 10/06/2011 20:53

Could you have the wedding out there and then have a big BBQ when you get back for everyone? Throw the dress on again (if you have one), make a cake and all have a big party in a garden somewhere? Then you get your quiet private wedding and the family get to celebrate with you?

MarionCole · 10/06/2011 20:53

DH and I did this two years ago. It was going to be just us and the kids but at the last minute I decided my parents would never forgive me if we kept it secret, so we told them but they were told to keep it secret. So it was just us, the kids and my parents. Had a lovely day, quick ceremony then spent the rest of the day in a bar by the sea! This was in Cornwall.

SarkyLady · 10/06/2011 20:53

Is there a plausible cover story that you could use to organise a party when you get back so that at least there is some kind of event for your family to mark the occasion?

Whatever you do don't tell some but not all your family ahead of time.

RudeEnglishLady · 10/06/2011 20:56

We had a wedding such as you describe and it was nice. Dropped the witness off at work and went to a nice restaurant afterwards. Family did know about it and were fine about it - TBH probably glad they didn't have to fork out for flights and hotels etc. in a snowbound January. We still got wedding gifts from close family (money!) which we weren't expecting but was pretty nice.

If it gives you more of a thrill then don't tell them. But if you tell them you might get gifts :) If you have children already its not going to be a massive scandal/shock to anyone. Good Luck - have a lovely day!

RudeEnglishLady · 10/06/2011 21:02

Oh, and my wedding photos / album is lovely. Much nicer and more natural IMO than the standard wedding photo albums that I've seen that cost 4 grand or whatever. But that is just an opinion and my witness took over 300 photos of which only 60 were good! Maybe photos is a nice job to give your DCs if they are old enough.

SamsGoldilocks · 10/06/2011 21:05

One of my oldest friends went to Vegas and got married - i think she must ahve tld us in advance where she was going to get married because i remember weeping at the live webcam of it. And although i wasn't there, it sort of felt like i was and she didn't have a big bash that she would have hated. Hooray for Vegas I say.

ubigliar · 10/06/2011 21:08

Two of my friends did this and in both cases their mothers were really upset. Sounds like you've already made up your mind though. If it were me, I'd give close family members the option of coming along, at their own expense, rather than just announce it after the event.

ScaredOfCows · 10/06/2011 21:28

We got married locally, but only told my parents (they were there). Did offend a few people.

If you tell them afterwards, couldn't you just say it was a sudden decision whilst you were over there, very romantic as unplanned etc etc.

jjgirl · 11/06/2011 11:26

i did just that. went to Bali and got married. did not tell many people at all. still have not told my parents. its my day and i did what i wanted.

oh had previously done the big white wedding thing with ex so no regrets on that front.

aurynne · 11/06/2011 11:30

I think it's a great idea! It is, after all, your special day. Enjoy, and then come back and tell us about it. I may copy your style ;)

atswimtwolengths · 11/06/2011 11:37

Would your MIL understand if you talked to her and said you two wanted to get married, but that because she and her ex weren't speaking, it would make for a very awkward day, so you were going to get married abroad?

I would really hate it if my children got married without telling me - but when I've said this on other similar threads everyone starting yelling about my sense of entitlement. It's just I think there's a very thin line between 'we want to get married on our own' and 'we don't want you there.'

neolara · 11/06/2011 11:37

I hate to say this, but I don't see how close members of your / your dh-to-bes family are not going to be hurt if you did this.