Getting married in secret!

[thebird]

DP and I have been together for 10 years and have 2 darling DCs! We've been engaged for 7 years but with young kids and a lack of funds we never got to the wedding bit.

We've decided to skip across to Gibraltar to get wed while on holiday on Spain later this summer. We've also decided not to tell anyone to avoid the fuss(and expense) of family or friends wanting to come along. Basically it's just us and the kids. Problem is I'm worried about offending family by leaving them out and also worried about it being a bit rubbish being somewhere strange just us on a special day.

Would be grateful to hear from anyone out there who's done the same:)

We got married without telling our families, and just had 2 witnesses and DD1 with us. It was the perfect wedding for us.

MIL got the hump about it to start with- she was a bit frosty with me but after we explained she seemed to accept it. Plus she got to be part of the big wedding when BIL got married. My family had no problems with it at all.

A big wedding would have been horrendous for me. It was the last thing I wanted, and DH doesn't like being centre of attention either, so small and quiet was best for us.

Maybe you could explain to your families beforehand and plan a little party for when you get back?

Whatever you decide to do I hope you have a lovely wedding day.

We got married with just two witnesses grabbed off the street, However, we did tell our parents beforehand that we were getting married. I'm all for it being just your day and doing it the way you want, but I think it would be terribly hurtful if your parents were kept in the dark. Friends are a bit different, I think they only care about the jolly up afterwards rather than the actual act of getting married. I hope you have a fabulous day, I think the idea of you and your kids being together is lovely.

I am hoping that both sets of parents will be relieved that we've finally done it and would understand reasons why. I don't really want to say anything before hand or the fuss will start and MIL will want to come along...then my mum would be annoyed that she wasn't there etc. and things would just snowball.

TBH I'm not that bothered about getting married as we are perfectly happy as things are. I do feel that it's important from a legal point of view and plus my DCs ate starting to question why we are not married so I think it's best overall that we deal with the potential grief and get on with it!

We had our wedding abroad too.(agonisied for a while over how to do it all). Eventually we decided and organised it all ourselves and didnt send out any invites.
But we did tell the parents on both sides beforehand(after all the arrangements were made/paid for)
One set of parents suggested we had a blessing and a big party when we came home. Luckily both dh and I were in argeement we didnt want a big party thats why we were marrying abroad in the first place.
I really didnt want the whole white wedding fuss. In the end some people did travel with us but we still had a small meal in a restuarant as planned and skipped the usual formal wedding type reception.

I'm glad we stuck to our own idea though as a big wedding would have seemed over the top to me after living together with 2 kids for nearly 8 years.

I think telling parents before you go might help them not get the hump or just say it was a huge romantic surprise by your darling new hubby if you really want the least fuss.
As long as the sun is shining and you have a fab hotel near the beach you, DH and your dc's will have a lovely time.

We did this 10 years ago. People did get their noses out of joint, despite us being on the other side of the planet, and having a party afterwards.

People will always have an opinion on things. They get the shits about people divorcing not long after having a big fancy wedding as well.

My feeling is that a wedding isn't the important bit, the marriage is. I'm also very aware that I am not going to be able to get all tetchy about my girls' choices when/if they get married.

I like going to weddings and all, but they're not all that, yanno?

I agree with holyschmoley. I think you're wrong to think finding out afterwards will be easier or a relief to your parents/in-laws.

I think it sounds easier to/for you - that you won't have to dissuade MIL from coming, you think you can dodge that bullet by just not telling her - but I think the fall-out of keeping it secret is potentially quite damaging and will hurt people unnecessarily.

Tell them before you go, the day before you fly so they'll know in advance you're getting married rather than finding out afterwards.

My sister did this, went on holiday (her, her OH & their kids) and got married whilst there. It caused a massive rift, my mum was very upset, my sister took offence - has now ceased contact and my mum hasn't seen her grandchildren since.

Tell your families before you go; my mum said she'd have liked to have been thinking about them whilst they got married...

After 25 years together we did this with just our DC as witnesses. Like you, we did it for legal reasons so didn't think of it as a big deal and our families still don't know... We will tell them at some point and I don't think they'll be upset. Actually, I think they'll be delighted as they never thought it would happen!

If you're worried about it feeling a bit rubbish with it just being the two of you and your DC, that's a different issue. But if it helps, we enjoyed it being just the four of us - it felt special, somehow.

I got married in secret earlier this year as DH and I were due to undergo major surgery and thought it would be best all round.

So off we went two (well it ended up four ) friends and us. No DC present either. We had an amazing day and I honestly didn't feel like I was missing out on anything.

However, I have lost a section of family who were so 'hurt' by our wedding they would prefer now to ignore my existence completely .

We obviously got married for different reasons OP, but we are undertaking a rather informal blessing soon, to keep our mums happy. Maybe this is something to consider to ease disgruntled family members.

we'd like to do similar, too

nothing interesting to add. Just lurking in parasitical manner to pick up some tips

Good luck to you SHJ!

Honestly I had the most brilliant day, it was very special and still gives me goosebumps.

Don't worry about offending them, no matter how hard you try there will always be someone feeling offended at how the wedding was organised.

I really like with some friends did. They got married at the registry with a witness borrowed from the street, and organised a simple not wedding themed party in the afternoon where they dully announced they had got married in the morning.

I think that was the best of both worlds... having people celebrating you tying the know without all the parafernalia of meeting all the demands and expectations people seem to have for other people's weddings.

we had a family wedding (ie only mums, dads, siblings and their spouses and their kids. We didn't tell any of our friends (we couldn't afford to invite them anyway, and besides, I would have died then by being under the spotlight for a whole day). We had a lovely honeymoon in Spain and sent all the friends postcards with a PS. 'we've just got married' note

they were all fine btw..my husband's mate was a little upset as he had wanted to be best man...just cause they're close and he values their friendship and he had wanted to do this for him..it was nothing to do with egocentricity but I think he felt he would hv liked to hv bn there

I think reactions to a secret wedding depend upon the family dynamics.

I'm from a large family where weddings, births, special birthdays, are not seen as a really big deal. People are happy for you but there's no simpering or overt emotion over things. Both my mum and grandma have been married twice. I have 2 strands to my family- my mum's side and my dad's- and I wouldn't like them to be together. There is always a falling out between my grandma and one of her children when my family congregate... it felt like the whole thing would be a nightmare with them all invited, much as I love them all.

DH's family on the other hand are very much traditional-no divorces in their families, very very small family- and I think that this is why there was more upset for MIL and FIL than for my family.

I didn't want to ever get married until I had DD1, and then it suddenly felt right, so we got married when she was 3 months old. It was a lovely 10 minutes day and we went for chinese food after!

Whatever you decide to do OP, good luck with it.