What do you do when you've totally fucked up?

[katieko]

This is my first ever post, I've only recently started looking on this site for some advice and to see how people in a similar siutation to me deal with things (my boyfriend is separated, not yet divorced, with 2 children), but I've totally fucked up this morning before work, and I don't know what to do. Everyone seems really helpful on here and I'm sorry I know this may seem really trivial compared to what other people have got going on...

I said something really horrible, out of spite, because when we fight I feel like he doesn't listen to me, so I said something which I knew would hurt and he would have to respond. Oh god I don't actually want to type what I said it's that horrible.. I said I could see why his ex-wife tried to kill herself.. I'm the worst person in the world. And now I don't know what to do. I've sent a really long email explaining how ashamed of myself I am, trying to explain how I'm feeling in general with everything... Now I'm just trying to give him some space. It's hard.

Has anyone been as horrible as me but been lucky enough to get the other person to forgive you?

If you've been really out of order it is best to apologise without any attempt at justification and as promptly as possible

Thanks for replying. I've made sure I didn't try to justify what I'd said.

All I can do now is wait for him to believe that I am genuinely sorry about it I suppose. Don't think that'll be anytime soon though. It's gonna be a long weekend.

That was a horrible thing to say and we all say things in the heat of the moment. As you have sent the email I think you are doing the right thing by giving some space to give him time to think. I think chris is right, don't try to justify yourself. Perhaps you could cook him a meal when he's up to it or send him some chocs, flowers?

Whether he forgives you is another matter, that was a pretty hurtful thing to say :( but hopefully he will forgive you and if he does don't do it again! :) let us know how you get on

How long have you been together? I presume (perhaps wrongly) it can't be that long if he's not yet divorced? Why were you rowing and do you row a lot? If it's the first year or so of your relationship, this should be a bit of a honeymoon period where you're both showing the best of yourselves to each other.

You know, if you don't feel he listens to you and dismisses your feelings, it may not be a bad thing if he doesn't forgive you. Probably not what you want to hear, but really, for you to feel driven to a point where you say the vilest thing you can come up with in order to get a reaction from him? It doesn't say good things about your future together.

what buzz said

bearing in mind that we only have your side of the story, and of course it is you that gets the benefit of the doubt, you must have been pushed very hard to make a comment like that

unless of course, you are always a vindictive person ? I don't think you are though...

in other words, you have apologised (properly, I hope, not a "sorry, but^ thing)

so, leave the ball in his court, but donm't flagellate yourself too much, nor bend over backwards to make it up to him

that way madness lies, especially if he is the stonewalling, non-communicative type

having to do this so early on in the honemymoon stage of a relationship is actually rather a red flag

for you, or for him....but I guess that doesn't really matter does it ?

Well, I wouldn't bang on about it too much if I were you. A simple heartfelt apology should suffice as opposed to 'very long emails' which merely turn up the volume on something that may be a case of least said, soonest mended.

sorry, but

meaning...you are not actually sorry at all

Mummakaz, thanks for the suggestion, but that seems like an awfully long time away from now :(

buzzsore - I don't know if I've got enough time to tell you about us... It's such a complicated story. We've been together "officially" for 9 weeks. I say "officially" because there was a cross over period between me and my ex and with him (I think I'll refer to him as P). I absolutely hate that. I'm so ashamed of that period of my life. I still cry when I think about what I was doing to my ex. He was such a good person. And he loved me so much. I never thought I'd be the type of person to lie and to cheat. I knew I needed to break up with him, I was just to chicken to do it. And then I eventually did it, I did it to be with P. So anyway, unofficially we've been together since February so you're right not very long at all. And he's nowhere near getting his divorce. He says he wants her to do it because he can't be bothered with the pettyness involved, and although I've never met his ex, I get the feeling she's not in any rush to start the proceedings.. Ultimately, they're focusing on what's best for the children at the moment, I'm not gonna get involved and tell him what to do (I've seen on other threads here that being separated but not actually divorced isn't exactly a good sign for the new partners so I'm not exactly loving that, but like I say, I'm not going to tell him what to do, and their main focus is their children at the moment so I can't really have anything to say about that...). And they've not been separated for long - just at the new year.

Even typing it out I see how ridiculous it is. "Too soon!!!" you must be shouting at the computer!

And why were we rowing? Because I got him some tickets for a festival for his birthday because he's never been to one before, but I hadn't sorted out the arrangements for definite so he got frustrated about that, implying he didn't really want to go, turns out he doesn't, and one of the reasons is that I went to a festival once with my ex boyfriend.. Then it just exploded... And yeah, we row a lot, about nothing. For example, last week we ended up having a massive argument because I couldn't decide what restaurant to go to. It starts out about nothing, then explodes and becomes about massive things, really important things, and it seems like theres no going back. One of the things P keeps bringing up is those weekends he had to spend on his own before I had broken up with my ex. I can see where he's coming from. But surely my priority was to my boyfriend at the time? But P is my priority now. I don't understand why he keeps bringing it up.

Oh god I'm really sorry I've gone on so much. No one in my life apart from P knows about the crossover period. Not even my sister I'm that ashamed. So I think I've just enjoyed being able to tell someone everything. God I look like such a whining bitch eh.

Everyone says things in the heat of the moment they regret. You've apologised, not much more you can do. If he's that into you he will get in touch again. If not, well then its probably for the best.

Any F - "stonewalling"? Hit the nail on the head there... You must have had an argument with him yourself...

Hang on - you had the row because you got him tickets to a festival, so he got angry because you had had the temerity to have gone to a festival with an ex-boyfriend?

I forgot to add sorry Any F the stonewalling was precisely the reason for the horribleness I spouted..

He sounds like hard work (understatement). Are you sure you aren't just trying to make this work because you've already invested so much, i.e. breaking things off with your XP?

So he´s cross that you carried on seeing your ex.

But he was still happy to see you rather than waiting until you finished with your ex?

He can´t be bothered to start divorce proceedings?

Doesn´t want to go to a festival because you went to one with your ex?

Bet he doesn´t say no to sex though, even though that happened with your ex.
(Apologies if not the case)

Tempted to say run tbh!

You have been together 9 weeks (officially) and you are already at the point in arguments where you are screaming vile and hurtful things at him out of frustration?

I am sorry OP but that is not good, there are red flags flying everywhere here.

He is angry because you bought tickets for a festival that you've also been to with your ex? Is he utterly mad?! I presume that will also mean you cannot go out to a resturant together or the cinema or for a walk on the beach, just incase you've done those things with your ex in the past as well?

He is angry that he had to spend weekends alone before you broke up with your ex? Well in that case maybye he shouldn't go for women who already have bloody partners in the first place?

I hate to say it OP but it sounds as if you've left your nice boyfriend for an utter arsehole! How old are you both by the way?

I see red flags aplenty, jealousy, stonewalling, ungrateful and fucking great big arguments out of no-where.

I'm always wary of projecting as all shitty men are horrible, but dangerous demeaning, abusive ones take it to the next level.

For me the reactions to the festival and fights would be enough to have me running for the hills, but I have whacking great corns and a horrible 10 year past with a very nasty man.

You have been seeing him for just over 2m. Hardly an investment at all. You are not Partners, how can you be when he is still married? With kids.

It's not supposed to be like this, so early on in the relationship.

Run for the hills love.

His wife got so low, she tried to kill herself? You HAVE to look into that FGS!

Any more boxes he ticks on this? Remember it's not Red Flag Bingo, ideally you need to score as close to zero!

How to spot a loser

If I'm being honest to myself I think you've hit the nail on the head excaligirl. And then part of that is that I'm getting from P what I felt was wrong with the relationship with my ex (i.e makes me feel wanted, asks me out, takes me places, makes me laugh, sociable, he is really thoughtful - a great boyfriend - when we're not bickering about nothing...)

diddl - another "if I'm being honest to myself" moment. I am slightly concerned about the fact he would be ok to have a girlfriend who was comfortable cheating on her boyfriend, who she loved, but just wasn't that happy with for outside things rather than emotional reasons, and cheating on him as often as she could to see him more. It's not right is it? I am sure I made the right decision. If I could cheat on someone then I shouldn't be with them. And when things are good with P it's the best feeling in the world. MAybe it's just all too soon....??

Excellent point about his wife Herhissyness

I'm sorry OP but it doesn't look good. I had an ex ex partner who behaved a lot like your boyfriend. He once dragged me into town to buy him more xmas presents because I had bought the first ones without telling him what they were first and he thought he might not like them!!!!!!!!! This was when I had an 11 grand a year job and my own flat to pay for btw!!!

This was 2 months into our 'relationship' as well, men like this DO NOT get better, they get worse and worse until eventually you will be hanging onto your sanity with your fingertips.

But Katie, you can have someone who takes you out and makes you laugh and all the other good stuff WITHOUT putting up with irrational jealousy, stonewalling, argumentativeness and so on!

The fact that your XP was wrong for you does not make this current guy RIGHT for you. I agree that this much arguing (and it's unproductive arguing too) so early on is a major red flag.

I'm 26 and he's 35. I know that's a big difference but it doesn't feel it. That sounds awful what happened to you about the Christmas presents, but I do know P wouldn't do anything as bad as that. I think this is one of the most worrying things about it - I'm making him behave like a twat. And I think we're actually just as bad as each other. I'm embarrassed to admit this but I started the whole not going to the same place thing because apparently he's been to lanzarote 3 times with 3 different women - so I said I wouldn't want to go there with him and tried to make it like a joke saying there's so many more places in the world than that why go to the same place 4 times?.. So the whole festival thing I've only got myself to blame. Need to add the reason I'm weird about holidays is that that was one of the main things I wanted from my ex - we were together for over 2 years and never had a "couples holiday". I hated it. Hated seeing on facebook everyones holiday photos...

I know exactly what you mean about not being a partner. I don't know what I am. But I don't really want this to end. When it's good it is genuinely the happiest I've ever been. I'm dreading him saying he can't forgive over that nasty thing I said. He really isn't a terrible person... He's a great person and I'm worried I'm turning him into a nob.

I would have been willing to bet my worldly goods (not that I have many mind!) that you were going to say that this guy was older than you.

'He's a great person and I'm worried that I am turning into a nob'- Well there you go it's starting already isin't it. You are thinking that he is great and that you are the one that is in the wrong. You are not 'making him behave like a twat'. You not being able to decide which resturant to go to does not justify him turning it into a massive argument. Do not let him make you feel that you are responsible for his bad behaviour!

How come he has already been to Lanzarote with 3 different women? How long has he been seperated from his wife? Is this since they seperated? If it is it sounds like he certainly goes through women quick.

Actually I see your point about not wanting to go there, it's a bit different you not wanting to go to a specific place and him not wanting to go to any festival at all because you went with your boyfriend. Plus at 26 you are still allowed to be a bit immature at times, by 35 you should have gotton over it!

He separated from his wife just in the New Year. From what he's told me it had been a bit rocky for a while (potential domestic abuse by her but I would hate to speculate about something so serious) and separate bedrooms for a good while. I think the lanzarote trips were ages ago and I know he hasn't been with anyone else since he separated. I know I'm immature. I wish I wasn't but I am. I hate that he is getting enough crap chucked at him from elsewhere, and it seems like I was once a bit of sunshine in his life, which made me feel valued, but now I'm not. I am a total pain in the arse mind, I would get frustrated going out with me. I just want it to be good. I hate these ridiculous little fights that turn into massive things. Honestly, when it's good it really is the happiest I've ever been.

Just want to thank you all by the way - it's so nice to be able to talk to people who understand, and aren't just telling me what I want to hear.

OP I in no way wished to sound like I was calling you immature. I merely meant that at 26 a certain degree of immaturity can be forgiven. When it is being displayed by a man of 35 with a marriage under his belt it is a different kettle of fish altogether.

'I hate that he is getting enough crap chucked at him from elsewhere, and it seems like I was once a bit of sunshine in his life, which made me feel valued, but now I'm not'.- This statement REALLY worries me OP, you should NOT be beating yourself up for 'failing' to be the person you (perceive) your boyfriend wants you to be. Your sense of self worth should not be resting so much on making this man happy.

After such a short time you shouldn't be 'Wanting it to be good', it SHOULD be good all the time. You should still be in the honeymoon phase. I'm sure I sound harsh OP but you sound so much like I did when talking about my xmas presents ex. I was constantly making excuses for him and wishing I was a 'better' person. Let me tell you as well that he fucking lapped it up and loved having me feel like that.

Why are you a pain in the arse? What is it that you do that is so bad?

I would want more details of the situation with his wife as well. You shouldn't be needing to 'speculate' about the domestic abuse or anything else for that matter. He should be telling you everything you want and need to know. After all you left your partner for him, it is the least he owes you. Why did his wife try to kill herself? That would be something I would insist on knowing the truth over.