What do you do when you've totally fucked up?

[katieko]

This is my first ever post, I've only recently started looking on this site for some advice and to see how people in a similar siutation to me deal with things (my boyfriend is separated, not yet divorced, with 2 children), but I've totally fucked up this morning before work, and I don't know what to do. Everyone seems really helpful on here and I'm sorry I know this may seem really trivial compared to what other people have got going on...

I said something really horrible, out of spite, because when we fight I feel like he doesn't listen to me, so I said something which I knew would hurt and he would have to respond. Oh god I don't actually want to type what I said it's that horrible.. I said I could see why his ex-wife tried to kill herself.. I'm the worst person in the world. And now I don't know what to do. I've sent a really long email explaining how ashamed of myself I am, trying to explain how I'm feeling in general with everything... Now I'm just trying to give him some space. It's hard.

Has anyone been as horrible as me but been lucky enough to get the other person to forgive you?

oh dear

I don't like the sound of him at all

I am with hisso on this

you seem to be deliberatley ignoring a lot of red flags here...to justify to yourself (and everyone else?) that he was worth leaving your ex partner for ?

this is why again and again people are advised if they want out of a relationship do it but don't mess it up with a new one

frying pan to fire springs to mind here

you have a full on, massively complicated relationship so soon ?

bad news, seriously

couldn't have you just tried to be on your own for a while without flinging yourself into something that would appear is a whole heap of awfulness

read your posts back to yourself...does all that seem right to you ??

btw, you can't "turn someone into a nob"

the nobbery is innate, and will come out no matter what you do

remember that

So 9 weeks in and he has you thinking you are at fault already? [anger]

I don't like the abusive accusations either, abusive men ALL, to a man dickhead, say that the partner that escapes or tries to, is abusing them, when actually they are only standing up for their rights.

You are 26, you have the world at your feet and instead you are with some bloke in his mid-30s, who has a loopy (apparently DW) and 2 kids). He is stroppy with you, infeasibly angry, making you feel that you are always on the back foot, and always not quite good enough. That is stuff that will drive you to the pits of despair and exposing you to the risk of a deeply damaging and abusive relationship.

We all of us are quite some way past being 26, and many of us have had good, bad and some even disastrous relationships. All of us here have been on this Relationships board for some time too and have picked up a lot of knowledge and self discovery along the way. Please listen to us, we have nothing to gain from any of this, we have no angle, we simply hate to see young women walk the path some of us have had to walk.

Please tell this guy that you are not ready to be in a relationship with him, that he is actually not ready either, and that for now, you need to split.

Don't stay in contact, make a clean break. If he's meant to come back he will, but FWIW, I think that it'd be the best thing ever in your life if you dodge this bullet and he does fuck off into the distance.

Katieko
Think about this

• His wife tried to kill herself
• He has essentially walked out on his children
• He is jealous and possessive
• He flies off the handle over complete trivia (the festival tickets)
• The effect he is having on you already is to make you criticise yourself and blame yourself for everything

Do you really want to get yourself mixed up with a man like this? He is a nob; but it is not your fault.

Don't waste your youth. Get out and run for the hills.

Look OP, don't be one of those people who feeds off drama

you are only 26

drama is not good please believe me

it might feel exciting at first but when you are straddled to this man-child with a couple of kids and he carries on in this vein, the excitement will soon start to feel like ashes in your mouth, seriously

First of all I'd like to thank everyone for their comments. It means alot to have other perspectives. Especially if you see patterns in my relationship similar to those you've experienced yourself. I would hate to sound ungrateful because some of the advice and thoughts I've been given today are really needed.

There is a couple things that I need to say tho, there's absolutely no way he would be the abusive partner and there is no way he's walked out on his children. He is an excellent dad and his children are apparently the happiest they've been in a while because apparently they used to see a lot of screaming matches (ironic...) and it was a pretty unpleasant environment to grow up in. I do think you're totally right tho when you said he's making me blame myself for everything, the back foot is not a fun place to always be on... I've text him saying I was hoping he would have wanted to talk about my email because I poured my heart and soul into it (I did. I talked alot. You can probably see from here once I start I get carried away) and if he dismisses that then I'll know once and for all hes not that bothered about how I feel.

What I'm worried about tho is that I am dreading being single again. I was so lonely before I met my ex. I don't really know many people where I live because this is not where I'm from.. I have friends, but it's not like I see them often. I scared of being lonely again. I think that's why I didn't break up with my ex when I knew I should be happier than I was (before P). Milkandwine you have made me realise I am placing so much value on what someone else thinks of me. Self worth is something I need to get from myself not someone else. Just hope I'm brave enough....

come on, love

you are 26

don't "dread being single"

if dreading being single makes you put up with shit like this, I fear for you

being single is not worse than this

having a man at any price ?

fuck that

katie, I used to dread being single and put up with loads of shit from boyfriend after boyfriend. This culminated in me being in an abusive marriage that I'm lucky to have walked away from.

Don't saddle yourself with a man like this, he's already causing you a lot of pain. Cut your losses and walk away. You can do it.

I'd suggest perhaps seeing a counsellor to work through your fears of being alone? I spent a year single after separating from my 1st husband, and have done a lot of work with a counsellor understanding why I put up with so much (violence, threats, stolen money, lies, emotional abuse, alcoholism). I realised that I am worth looking after, and I deserve better. I'm married again to a man who values me, and the difference is amazing.

Take care.

katie I'm in a 'drama' type relationship too and considering ending it.

It's v painful isn't it- we fall for these guys because of their good qualities, we think, but deep down as you've said we are afraid of being alone.

It's very very hard to disentangle the loneliness and emotional need (nothing to be ashamed of I think- we all have needs) from the real person.

people warned me that constant rowing with DP was not normal in the first 3 months. I didn't listen, we are now in a rollercoaster long distance relationship that I struggle to extricate myself from because (vomit time) I still love him. And yes I'm scared of being alone.

Although I struggle with this myself- fear and drama are not good bases for a relationship..

Katie, it shouldn't be this hard. At two months in, it should be easy, fun, joyful, exciting. Not second-guessing yourself, blazing rows and guilt-trips.

You already think you're not good enough for this man - which is rubbish. A healthy relationship would not chip away at your self-esteem.

listen to buzz and any f - i'm not much older than you, was left high and dry by an abusive man with a child when I was a bit younger than you - you never know what's around the corner but i'll say this....

get out and meet people, they should have it in schools that women don't need men, we don't. it's better to be alone than with a man because you think you must.

Honestly, work on your self esteem, get out to a gym/join a few classes in the area etc. It's never a good place to be if you don't want to be alone - after all this seems to attract edgits. you deserve a good man, who will treat you properly & with respect. not one who makes you feel bad & has you bending over backwards to please him.

Please of offend is my motto - if you're headed in a certain direction in your life the idea is they walk along side you for a bit see how you rub along, and if you think that they're pulling you in a different direction you let it go. Def don't have the thoughts that any man's better than no man.

Katie, PLEASE don't do what I did - left my Partner for someone I fell head over heels in love with, 12 years older than me, he was married but seperated, still living in the marital home...we moved in together after 3 months.

It was insane.

It was straight out of the frying pan into the fire. I had no idea that the sweet, kind, funny, attentive man who was a great dad (I met his kids) and who had had an abusive time of it with his ex-wife...would turn out to be a sulky, possessive, immature selfish abuser who felt entitled to call me a bitch and a whore and accuse me of everything from staring at other men to taking advantage of him and being unfaithful.

I don't regret leaving my partner at the time, I DO regret the way I did it. But I had no solid identity of my own and I was terrified of being alone. Really there are worse things...FAR worse things.

Dont look at his so-called good points. Any abuser is capable of acting nice for a while - its how they keep you hooked. Look for the unpleasant stuff, and what happens afterward. If they are unrepentant, if they blame you for everything, if they refuse to acknowledge the tiniest bit of responsibility - RUN FOR THE HILLS.

You are 9 weeks in OP, not 9 years!
It should be fun at this stage. Getting to know each other, exploring things together. You seem to be at full tilt into this relationship...as everyone else has said, walk away now. You are not to blame for his behaviour. His dcs are happier because there are no more screaming rows at home....no, because his screaming rows are all with you now.

Better to be lonely than utterly miserable.

Youre 26! Run like the wind, don't look back and take some time for yourself.