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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am probably quite insane but can't seem to help myself...

57 replies

CarryingTheCanAgain · 09/06/2011 22:51

I am desperately madly completely head over heels in love with a man who doesn't seem to feel the same... We currently consider ourselves flatmates, although we have slept together on and off ever since meeting.

The trouble is he went through an awful separation with his ex a few years ago and has had a nightmare of access issues regarding his DC ever since because his ex is a total cnut.. He's been upfront about his feelings right from the start - his ex put him off relationships and he doesn't see himself getting into that position ever again (although he occasionally softens on this point and says he might some day).

Sometimes it seems like something could happen with us - although we are just friends we quite often get really close and spend evenings cuddling etc and on the very rare occasion we even sleep together.. But then after a while things go back to normal, this platonic misery.. I'm sure he has some feelings for me but suspect they are limited to fondness rather than passion or love which breaks my heart because I truly adore him.

I don't know if I should keep hanging on to see if he'll realise I'm nothing like her and totally perfect for him or somehow separate myself from it and walk away.. We have plans to stay as flatmates for a few years as we both have plans for the future that involve saving every penny.. I cannot bear the thought of abandoning him..

Sorry this has gotten so long... I guess I just want someone to tell me how to stop this madness.. Please?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 09/06/2011 23:01

i think you need to stop sleeping with him.

you need to accept that right now he does not want a relationship, and you need to get out there and find someone who does.

in that time this guy may come to realise that he likes you a hell of a lot... and perhaps something will come of it. equally... he may not

but don't waste your life waiting around for him

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 09/06/2011 23:04

I think you need to move out. He will either realise he wants you or you'll get over him. Either denarii is better than the soul destroying situation you are in now

RudeEnglishLady · 09/06/2011 23:05

Ouch - this sounds painful. I think you need to find a new flat share and get some perspective on things. It'll free you from this situation and also if he has any feelings for you at all he will then get chance to feel them, rather than you just being there like a comfy old armchair.

I don't buy the story about ex's putting men off relationships .... when they get the urge about someone really, not one thing will divert them from their pursuit. I think you know that deep down.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2011 23:05

You are being used

FGS, wake up

MooncupGoddess · 09/06/2011 23:06

Oh poor you. Sounds absolutely agonising. But this is a recipe for madness, you know. Sleeping with someone who you are totally in love with but who has only mild feelings of affection for you is a very, very bad idea. (I speak from experience here.) And if you're living with him you have no means of escape from your feelings.

Move out. Don't see him at all for a few months. Keep busy with other things. It will be wretched but long term it's the only way you can be happy again.

FreudianSlipper · 09/06/2011 23:07

his ex has put him off relationships for good mmm

he is b*lshitting move on and move out sorry but you are convenient for him

AnyFucker · 09/06/2011 23:08

put off relationships for good, but could be "persuaded" on occasion

ie. for a cosy little half hour while he gets a blow job and Op making moon eyes at him

ChaoticAngelofLitha · 09/06/2011 23:13

Find another flat share, move out and cut all contact with him. He's using you for sex without the inconvenience of having to have a relationship.

Original poster
CarryingTheCanAgain · 09/06/2011 23:15

God, it's painful just reading your replies! All my family and friends love him, some of them know how i feel but none of them know there's been sex, and none of them want to tell me what they really think (although I suspect if they did it would be pretty much at you guys have said). I know you're all right I think I just needed to be told it really frankly.

OP posts:
amberleaf · 09/06/2011 23:17

Move out.

You are a convenience to him and not much more by the sound of it.

You do know that the old chestnut of 'ive been hurt in the past..i find it hard to trust women' is bullshit code for 'i dont want to commit to you i only want to fuck you' [when it suits him of course.

Rediscover your pride and leave this user behind.

MooncupGoddess · 09/06/2011 23:21

Good luck OP. You'll feel much better when you've made the break, you know - it's very bad for self-esteem shagging someone you love who doesn't love you back. Quite lonely, too.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 09/06/2011 23:22

Sorry but he's using you. You need to move out.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2011 23:22

Look, just chalk this up to some nice sexy time

Even if you don't feel it, convince yourself you used each other

Now stop it

perfumedlife · 09/06/2011 23:26

He's not yours to abandon op Sad I dare say it's great for him having a friend with benefits and company and it's all very cosy but when someone tells you what they want, you do well to listen.

Lizzabadger · 10/06/2011 07:11

Stop sleeping with him. You're just making yourself feel bad. He's not that into you.

Omigawd · 10/06/2011 07:27

I'd take him at face value about not wanting any serious relationship yet, and after a nasty bust up I'm not that surprised,

Im sure he likes you, he's found a friend, and even better she comes with benefits. If you were happy living like that I'd say go for it, but you're not so you need to stop.

Original poster
CarryingTheCanAgain · 10/06/2011 08:16

I dont think i explained about the sex properly - that's just happened a couple of times over the years. When I said occasional I meant it, it's quite rare. More common is the cuddling up together. He relies on me emotionally, we're best friends and are really close. It's not really about sex, it's not like we're shag buddies, we're friends. I just want more and don't know how to pull away because I'm not likely to get it. I don't know how to tell him I don't wanna do this any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarryingTheCanAgain · 10/06/2011 08:19

Thinking about it, we behave like an old couple. Though of course, we are nothing of the sort and probably never likely to be if it carries on like this...

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 10/06/2011 08:26

This has been going on for years? Well, if he hasn't "realised you're nothing like her" and felt safe enough to commit to you by now, it's not terribly likely he's going to. He says he might some day - that keeps you in your place, doesn't it?

Like everyone else says, this is doing you no good.

CareyFakes · 10/06/2011 08:29

Oh reading your post makes me sad Sad. I think nearly all of us can relate.

You know you need to pull away, it's up to you to do so. I would tell him straight how you feel, how it's hurting and how you are aware that nothing is going to come of it because he doesn't feel the same. Tell him you need to move on, cannot be an emotional support to him any longer due to deep feelings. The ball is then in his court and you've been honest to him and yourself.

I feel for you, it's such a horrible feeling and so so so frustrating and lonely.

LittleHousebytheRiver · 10/06/2011 08:39

What about a frank talk with him? Over supper and a bottle of wine you spell out what you are hoping for from him and ask point blank if he can ever see himself providing it? Then you will be clear whether he is just stringing you along or whether he is just unable to admit he wants the same from you.
You will have to be resolute though, because if he says "No I don't see myself with you as a couple ever" then you have to follow through and move out. Double or quits really. But better than stuck in limbo .

What will be will be etc ...

travispickles · 10/06/2011 08:42

Move out!

TakeItOnTheChins · 10/06/2011 09:11

He feels close to you as friends, but if he was that attracted to you you'd be sleeping together more often.

When he gets over his ex and meets someone he is very attracted to who he gets on with, he'll miraculously get over his "I've been put off relationships forever" phobia, you mark my words.

At the moment it's a VERY convenient line to prevent you making too many demands on him - and let's face it, it sounds better than "I like you but I don't fancy you enough to sleep with you other than when I'm VERY desperate, but we're never going to be together properly".

waspbee · 10/06/2011 09:23

Sounds like a friend with benefits scenario. get out asap. one day hes going to bring home his new gf ... suddenly all his phobiashave disappeared. sorry but its going to happen. dont waste any more emotional energy on someone who isnt giving you what you need. weve all been there. this is a fantasy on your part but its just distracting you from getting on with your own life.

MooncupGoddess · 10/06/2011 09:37

Ah, you meant slept together in the literal sense! I have had a relationship like this too but it really does only work if you both want the same thing and neither of you hopes for more.

It is very hard if you are best friends and love each other platonically too, but it is clearly doing you No Good and you do need to be frank with him and then move out asap.