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Original poster

Husband going to a stag do

47 replies

joyful2day · 08/06/2011 10:42

I'm hoping to get some unbiased advice. My husband is going away abroad for 3 days on his brother's stag do. I really wouldn't mind but we've got 3 kids, another one on the way and absolutely NO money. We are really struggling financially. I feel really resentful that he is going on holiday when we can't afford to go together or take the children anywhere. I am so tired taking care of our 2 year old and running round after my 8 year old and worrying about my 18 year old and I feel that if anyone deserves a break away from the children, chilling on a beach for 3 days, it's me! I know that it's his brother so I feel terribly guilty about all this anger I have. My family have said that he is totally wrong for going but I don't know whether they are saying that because they're my family. Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
IveAhorseOutside · 08/06/2011 10:44

Where is he getting the money to go?

JBellingham · 08/06/2011 10:45

Are you going on the hen do?

MilkandWine · 08/06/2011 11:08

You have no money to go away together but he is going away for his brothers stag do for 3 days?

He is acting in a totally unacceptable manner, I would be furious. His brother must be aware your finances are tight? Your husband should be telling his brother 'Sorry but we just can't afford it, I will make it upto you some other way'. I am presuming his brother will be able to appreciate the fact that your budget doesn't stretch to stag dos at present?.

Your husband is going because he want's to go, simple as that. Don't accept any hogwash about 'Letting down his brother'. It is an excuse, he should not be going and I do not blame you for feeling resentful.

Where is the money coming from? Also I presume you will be at home caring for the children on your own for the time he is away sunning himself and getting roaring drunk in tacky bars?

IMO, holidays away with the lads are not an option if you don't have enough disposable income to first afford a holiday away together or even a day out as a family. The fact it is a stag do makes no bloody difference.

otchayaniye · 08/06/2011 12:15

I agree, it's out of order. You and your children come first if money is tight. Your brother in law will have to accept that that's the price of arranging costly stag dos (which I think are presumptuous in the extreme)

I hope you can convey this to your husband without too much aggro. Of course he will feel pulled in two directions, but he has a duty to you, the people he lives with, not his brother.

He will make the wedding? That's ok then.

This is what happens when people lose the plot with weddings and go hopelessly over the top. I think asking people who work full time and have family commitments to spend $$$ and take time off for what used to be a bit of a piss up is rude actually as it puts people on the spot.

I am not a humourless hair shirt wearer who hates weddings and celebrations. I just think it's over the top that holidays and expensive wedding lists and hotel stays etc etc are now part and parcel of your average wedding. To a family where one member may not be working I think it is unreasonable.

fridascruffs · 08/06/2011 12:22

Let him go, on condition that you take 3 days to go lie on a beach somewhere and leave him with the kids. Even if you can't afford it (which he evidently can if he's paid and he's going). And he has to agree to an economy plan for how it's going to be paid for. Better yet, tell him you'll spend the same amount of money as he did, then use the money to stay for longer instead of drinking it.
don'tgetmadgeteven!

holyShmoley · 08/06/2011 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mouseface · 08/06/2011 13:03

I don't think you are over-reacting to be pissed off at him for spending money that you haven't got, but I think that you need to be telling him how you feel and soon.

Is he going to be the Best Man?

How long has this been planned?

I can understand why you feel that it's you that should have abreak, it's not easy being at home with the children all day, especially with another on the way, I'm guessing that money will be even tighter when this one arrives.

If you have known about this for a while, maybe you should have said something sooner, when he booked the tickets?

Has it all been finalised and paid for?

moanymum76 · 08/06/2011 13:07

I do think you have to let him go as it's his brother.

However I am interested to know where the money is coming from and whether you have been invited to the hen do.

At least now you have a pass to do something nice guilt free!

Malificence · 08/06/2011 13:18

He's not going to a stag do, he's going on a holiday, a stag do is normally one night or a day and a night at most.

A 3 day piss-up is taking the piss.

Do supposedly grown up men really do this?

Mouseface · 08/06/2011 13:46

Yes, Mal, sadly they do.

My DH had an overnight stag, so it was a weekend do, but we have friends who went for a weekend/3 days in Prague/Ibiza/Dublin etc......

It does seem to be the 'norm' these days. And for hens too, just not as common as most of the time, the women are expected to stay at home with the children, cooking and cleaning making it all nice for the return of the hunter gatherer.

mrsravelstein · 08/06/2011 13:50

dh and i would only to to stag or hen events if they were an evening out. luckily most of our friends either don't get married, or aren't the stag/hen types.

i think it's fair enough doing that kind of thing if you're 22 and have no kids, but i feel the same as you OP, and there's no way I would be up for dh going away for 3 days, or me doing the same.

Mouseface · 08/06/2011 13:51

The problem here I think, is that it's his brother. Maybe he feels obliged to go or maybe he's using that as an excuse to go.

Either way, he wants to go.

chubsasaurus · 08/06/2011 14:01

it is his brother... I think you may be over reacting

EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 08/06/2011 14:09

Hmmmm, I am going to be controversial and say I think he should go. DH has just been on a stag do, we could have used the money he spent to go on a family holiday but TBH I am not bitter because it is one of his best mates and I know how important it was to him to go. If it was his brother's it would be a total no brainer.

However is that really the issue, or is the issue that he is spending money you literally can't afford? If the rest of the family will have to go without because he has decided to go off his own back and without your agreement, then I think that is out of order.

buzzsore · 08/06/2011 14:55

It's his brother. If it's just an unnecessary stretch to your finances, but you can manage, he should go.

If it's going to mean no food shopping or not paying the rent/bills, he shouldn't go (or should ask someone on his side of the family to treat him).

pink4ever · 08/06/2011 15:21

Hell would freeze over before I let my dh go away on a stag do for 3 days!!Shock. These kind of things are ok for young(er),childless people. Not for married fathers of 3!.
I would be questioning your dh over this attitude-he is really prepared to see you and the dcs go without a hol/days out so he can go on a lads jolly?. Really?. If his brother is that concerned then he should offer to pay.

itsohsoquiet · 08/06/2011 15:40

It is only three days and it is his brother. If it was my DP I wouldn't want him missing out. If it was a friend or someone he wasn't particularly close to then no but this is a bit different in my opinion.

OP says that they are struggling but sounds like they have found the money to pay for it, what's the big deal?

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/06/2011 19:19

I think he should go too, its his family and he quite rightly wants to share this special occasion.

I presume he works to support the family and for you to stay home so unfair to say he cant spend his income on a treat once in a blue moon.

RudeEnglishLady · 08/06/2011 19:45

No way.

You say goodbye to that stuff when you get a family. Wouldn't have let DH have 3 days away for his own marriage! Whats he missing out on anyway? Probably a load of activities you wouldn't approve of and making himself ill with drink. Can you imagine how much of your family's income will be wasted on booze and nonsense on top of what the trip actually costs?

The wedding is the special occasion - let him get smashed and do some dad dancing at the buffet/disco.

WoTmania · 08/06/2011 20:01

I presume he works to support the family and for you to stay home so unfair to say he cant spend his income on a treat once in a blue moon - yup, o obviously the OP sits on her arse all day and doesn't deserve a holiday Hmm
I would be furious too. You're all going to the wedding? That's the important bit. If he can find the money to go on the stag do surely he could spend it instead on a cheap family hol/long weekend.

TheCrackFox · 08/06/2011 20:07

If you really don't have the money then he can't really go. It is called being an adult.

The sooner these ridiculous Hen/Stag weekends go out of fashion the better.

Abelia · 08/06/2011 20:08

what is it with grown men and their 3 day+ stag do extravaganzas? A special occasion is the wedding. The stag is just an excuse to act like idiots, drink too much and be one of the boys. Fine if you're in your 20s and have no other commitments but not really acceptable to put this, and financing it, above the needs of your family - whether that's food on the table or a family holiday. If you can afford all of that well then it's just down to taste I guess.

As an aside, why is it always men who need breaks away with "the boys"? Women seem to do this much more rarely.

WoTmania · 08/06/2011 20:10

abelia - it's cos they work so much harder than women Hmm 'allowing' them to SAH Hmm Hmm

gapants · 08/06/2011 20:11

my DH has been on 3 stags this year so far and one more to go, all but one has been a one night stay away thing and one of them is a whole weekend.

We can afford it, and they are very brothers/best mates so I do not grudge him going per se, but I do feel like it takes the piss. We have a toddler and I am pregnant.

I have booked a day spa treat for me before the baby comes and the weekends DH is here, we do only family stuff and I have had ALL the lie ins. fairly good compromise. I think.

FakePlasticTrees · 08/06/2011 20:13

It's his brother for crying out loud!!! If he was the one who'd planned it then you'd be right to be pissed off, but assuming he didn't, he can't really change the fact that it's been arranged to be rather lavish.

Assuming he has only the one brother, then this is a one off, once in a lifetime thing. He can spend these 3 days with his brother and being there for him, or not. and if not, don't be surprised if that colours their relationship in the future.

BTW - did your BIL go on your DH's stag do?

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