Husband going to a stag do

[joyful2day]

I'm hoping to get some unbiased advice. My husband is going away abroad for 3 days on his brother's stag do. I really wouldn't mind but we've got 3 kids, another one on the way and absolutely NO money. We are really struggling financially. I feel really resentful that he is going on holiday when we can't afford to go together or take the children anywhere. I am so tired taking care of our 2 year old and running round after my 8 year old and worrying about my 18 year old and I feel that if anyone deserves a break away from the children, chilling on a beach for 3 days, it's me! I know that it's his brother so I feel terribly guilty about all this anger I have. My family have said that he is totally wrong for going but I don't know whether they are saying that because they're my family. Am I over-reacting?

Could he go for one night and 2 days as a compromise?

Would that make it cost much less though, given that its abroad?

I really feel for the OP, my DH has a lot of work travel and has whole weekends of jet-lag where he just wants to wear his pajamas so I'm probably projecting a bit here!

To be honest I'd love to go on a holiday without my family for 3 days of boozing and carrying on with my friends

I think it's only right that he goes on his brothers stag do. Unless you are broke as in him going away will mean that you can't eat, or pay the rent, then it's a once in a lifetime thing and he should be there because he wants to go and his brother wants him there.

Hell would freeze over before I let my dh go away on a stag do for 3 days!!

It's only his brother. His first (second, third, fourth, last) priority should be his wife and children. Expensive stag weekends are adolescent nonesense to which only unmarried, unattached boys should go. Grown men should have better things to do.

My DH agrees wholeheartedly with the above.

You either have the money or you don't. Do you know the destination/hotel/flight costs? If he goes you should ask to see the bills. He may have a 'slush' fund to pay for this but it also maybe going on a cc. But 3 days on a jolly while wifey and children stay at home? I don't think so.

I would 'let' my DH go, if it was his brother. And if it wasn't going to put us completely in the shit, financially. I think the money is the important thing, not the fact he wants to go on his brother's stag do, of course he does.

I say, this, however, in the context of having a DH who would stay at home with our DS whilst I did something similar. In fact he encouraged me to go on my sister's 2 night hen do. I was still breastfeeding, so didn't. But that was my choice.

It might be different if you have a DH who sees you as the unpaid help while he sits in front of the telly or swans off to the golf course.

Hi All,

Thanks so much for your input.

Just to answer a few questions. I do work, don't sit at home all day. I work for myself but things have just recently slowed down (recession has hit me) but during my pregnancy with my 2 year old I worked full-time with lots of over-time and no lunch breaks, until the Thursday, went into labour on the Sunday. So I do contribute to the household income.

I have been invited to the hen do, which is in England, it's a overnight spa break. I said yes and paid for this out of my overdraft which I deeply regret. The hen do is not costing even a 3rd of what the stag do will cost, however, the cost of my trip, my husbands jaunt abroad, plus all of the spending money, outfits etc could of gone on a lovely family holiday or something new for our baby. I've still got to buy all of our clothes for the wedding (this will come out of my income). I think the world of the bride but said yes because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I really wish that I could get the money back and not go but I don't know if that would be possible and I don't want to upset my new sister in law.
This isn't just about the money though, I would really love a holiday abroad the last time we went abroad was 4 years ago on our honeymoon and before that it was 13 years ago for me. My youngest have never been abroad and my eldest has been once. It would be so lovely to sit on a foreign beach somewhere and enjoy that whole experience, but there is no way we can afford it. So I feel jealous and angry and I'm am so ashamed to admit that but I can't help feeling that way. I wan't him to have a lovely holiday and if we could go away too I wouldn't mind cause I really trust him but I can't get past this resentment, it's making me behave horribly to him. Help, help, help!

Perhaps you could agree with dh to start putting away for a holiday together (for next year), so that you have something to look forward to and plan for?

Can you cut costs of the wedding (rent a suit for dh?)

I really feel for you, My DH is planning to go on a stag doo of my cousin's, except it's a trip to Amsterdam or Vegas

I am NOT happy about it, and he know's this, hence he hasn't mentioned it since Saturday, Hell will freeze over, and i only have one DC!

oh dear

You have two options here.

1. You suck it up and accept you've made errors, but you're going on the hen, he's going on the stag, you're going to the wedding and will all have a lovely time celebrating a big family occasion. You then start saving like crazy to pay off debts / keep afloat and eventually save into the black for a holiday or treat for you all. Do you have to have new outfits for the wedding? Can you wear something you already have or borrow from a friend?

2. you speak to whoever's organised the hen, as well as the bride, say you simply can't afford it and need to cancel - get money back (is this possible at this point?). DH doesn't go on the stag. You both need to face up to your financial sitution and be honest with others too. Can you have bride & groom to stay and cook a lovely meal for them instead?

But I don' think you can go on the hen but DH not go on the stag, that's unfair and will also look terrible to everyone else. tbh I think you could very justifiably not go on the hen - you don't get much out of a spa when you're pg anyway.

right back at you sooty-I presume it was at the use of the word "let"-well unlike some people on here I dont have doormat written across my forehead.
I speak from experience here-my dh insisted on going away with his brother for a football match abroad a few years ago. He wasnt working at the time so we really couldnt aford it plus our dc was only a few months old and I had no support whatsoever. He still went but I have grown up alot since then and would never tolerate such shitty behaviour again.
I cant believe there are people on here condoning this mans horrible,selfish attitude. He is happy for his wife and kids to go without so long as he gets what he wants. Arsehole.

Joyful - I would guess that even though you have paid your reservation for the spa break that there will be additional costs which you havent yet paid for.

Given your financial situation it sounds like you cant afford either the stag or hen dos

I would suggest that you cancel the hen do and assume that you wont get your payment back but at least you wont have to pay out more - travel, new clothes etc.

Your DH should not go on the stag do - you cant afford it and his priority should be wife/children.

Explain to the bride/groom that your situation has changed so you are getting into a more secure financial position. No bride & groom worth their salt would want people to get into a financial mess just to do something as trivial as a spa break or a stag do.

Look at low cost options for the wedding itself - you are guests so no one will be looking at you! Get a nice wedding gift and wrap it beautifully. Enjoy the wedding itself because that is what matters.

If going on the stag and hen dos would put the OP and her family on the bread line then I agree that neither of them should go. But given that the OP has said that she would like to spend the money instead on a holiday abroad, it doesn't actually sound to me as if this is a matter of financial life or death. It sounds like she is more pissed off that he is off having a fun time while she is stuck at home. That's perfectly understandable but I also don't think it's unreasonable that he should want to go.

Seems to me that there should be a lot more communication and if he does go, he should make every effort when he comes back to make up for it. For instance, he could look after the kids while the OP goes on an away break with her friends later in the year.

If he's not prepared to do that then maybe he is the major league bell-end that everyone here seems to think he is.

Thanks to everyone for you comments and advice.

Being PG I thought about throwing a sicky to get out of hen do, I really don't want to go, can't afford it the money could be better spent elsewhere, like on school uniforms etc.

There's no-way that he will cancel going on the stag do now as that would probably embarrass him, but he knows how unhappy I am about it and he said the other night that thinking about it, if the roles had been reversed he wouldn't have let me go. He said that he wouldn't have agreed to go if he had thought about it more, typical male behaviour doesn't think how his actions will affect people around him then stares blankly in horror/ignorance when its pointed out.

I've made him sound like a real prick but actually he's a really nice guy just a bit thoughtless and selfish sometimes, but he can be really sweet too.

I'm gonna hate him going away and I'm probably gonna be evil with him when he comes back with a tan, but nothing I can do.

As far as me going away with mates to make up for it goes, folks we really can not afford that and I'd feel super guilty going on holiday when my kids are stuck at home. I don't have a problem with going away without them that would be heavenly peaceful but only if I take them away at some time too. I'm gonna think of some fun things to do with them while he's away and just enjoy having the bed to myself at night, at least I can have a good sprawl.

Thanks again everyone it's my 1st time on here and everyone's been really nice and helpful xxx

So basically he has admitted that he wouldn't let you go if roles were reversed but he's still going?

I mean god forbid he might have to suffer any embaressment at pulling out

Sorry OP but the expression 'Having your cake and eating it' springs to mind here.

And I disagree that his actions are typical male behaviour! They are actually the typical behaviour of someone who doesn't mind upsetting their partner and being a total hypocrite into the bargain. Gender has nothing to do with it. He's basically saying 'Yes, I'm in the wrong but I'm going to do it anyway cos I can'

Not a nice attitude at all!

Tbh they usually end up in strip clubs committing adultery. So wouldn’t be for me and mine.

I suspect his brother would be seriously pissed of if he didn't go now. Of course for most on MN that doesn't matter and your dh should be willing to sacrifice his lifelong relationship with his sibling (and possibly damage relations with the rest of his family) so you and the kids can go on a beach holiday this year. I disagree.

Yes, this trend for expensive stag and hens is ridiculous and puts people in difficult positions but the time to have that conversation was before it was booked, not now. You have both committed to being involved in the wedding celebrations and it doesn't sound like your financial situation has changed since you made that decision.

Zombie thread

Hen nights, destination stag nights and another child on the way doesn’t sound like financial responsibility is either of your strong points.

We can all say he’s bang out of order but that’s not going to change anything. This is who he is and I’m guessing the self entitlement isn’t a recent development, which begs the question, why are having another child with him?

Well this has been a long drawn out Shagfest stag night. This orgy has been going since 2011 😂

FGS ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!!!!