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Original poster

do you and yor dh/dp borrow/take each other's things without asking?

27 replies

juicychops · 07/06/2011 13:46

i don't mean big expensive things like the car etc, i mean like books, dvds, cds etc.

If they are all kept together but you know which ones are yours and which are not, do you always ask, or do you just take/borrow without mentioning it?

i feel like im being petty but its irrationally bugging me. ive had cds go missing and dvds. not any that i paprticularly listen to much, but i know that they are mine and i know dp has 'borrowed' them without asking. then i dont get them back for ages and ages.

like i say, they are dvds and cds i rarely listen to, but its the fact that i haven't seen them for ages.

i know they would be either at his mum and dad's where he lives, or in his car

im i just being stupid and petty?

OP posts:

Callisto · 07/06/2011 13:58

Well DH and I have lived together for a long time so everything is ours rather than mine and his, so it isn't an issue for me. I actually don't think it ever would have been tbh.

If it was someone who didn't live with me and didn't return stuff, then yes, that would piss me off.

coastgirl · 07/06/2011 13:58

It's different when you're married/live together - I don't really regard any CDs or DVDs as mine or his especially. If it was something I knew DH had bought for himself or got as a present and I wanted to take it out of the house (to use in a lesson or something) I would ask though. Books I wouldn't ask if I were reading them round the house but would check it was ok to take somewhere else; it's just common courtesy.

pozzled · 07/06/2011 14:04

Well we're married and have lived together for several years so it's not the same thing at all. But my DH would check with me first if he wanted to take something out of the house (for instance into work, or to lend it to a friend). I would be quite annoyed if I wanted to put a DVD or CD on and found I couldn't, and he'd just taken it without asking.

QueenofDreams · 07/06/2011 14:06

all books/cds etc are ours so no we don't ask. I would be annoyed if he loaned things out without telling me. Still annoyed that he kept lending xbox games to his brother. BIL's xbox kills our disks for some reason.

mousymouse · 07/06/2011 14:09

same as Queen, all cds, dvds, books are ours instead of mine/his. mind you we are together 15 years so the lines blurr. but I have a few special books and cds and would be livid if they would somehow disapear or be damaged.

Omigawd · 07/06/2011 14:12

I draw the line at my underwear :o

CMOTdibbler · 07/06/2011 14:17

We've been living together for 17 years, so all books/cds/dvds/cars are fair game. Some stuff, less so - mp3 player, kindle

quiddity · 07/06/2011 14:18

Since you don't live together and presumably these are things that beong to you, not joint property, it's rude not to ask. It's not as though you've told him to go ahead without asking, especially as he's taking them out of your house to somewhere that you don't have access to.
Does he bring them back eventually, or do you have to ask for them?
Do you get to borrow his stuff without asking?

upahill · 07/06/2011 14:22

I can't think of a single thing of mine that DH would want to use.
He never thinks to put a DVD on - I by all the DVD.
We don't have CD's everything is on the computer.
I have a lot of outdoor kit but he doesn't need to use it, he has his own.

Our taste in books is vastly different. Mine our more manuls- eg navigation, hill walking guides etc.

I buy Mountain bike UK, trail and how it works magazine on a regular basis but they are there for everyone.

We have our own cameras so we don't need to borrow.

So no, the rule seems to be in our house- get your own stuff!!

Kiwinyc · 07/06/2011 14:43

Little things like CD's/books/DVD's books I have no problem with. I would ask permission or expect to be asked permission if I were lending them to a third party but not if Dh wanted to borrow one of my CD's to listen to in the car. (Which he rarely does, he doesn't like my music!)

He's knows what my 'special stuff' is though - signed editions of hardbacks etc. and knows i'd be unhappy if anything bad happened to them.

If you don't live together then i'd expect to be asked permission for anything removed from your place.

JanMorrow · 07/06/2011 15:06

Before we lived together, he'd have asked to borrow something and visa-versa.. it's just polite really.

Original poster

juicychops · 07/06/2011 16:04

quiddity, i don't really have any desire to borrow his stuff, but as his stuff is at his mum and dad's i wouldn't have to opportunity anyway.

although i did go to his mum and dad's at the weekend and kept spotting things around the house thinking 'im sure thats mine'. by the end of the evening i felt myself actively hunting for all my things back.

for some maybe selfish reason im quite protective over all my 'things' and although i have no problem lending things out, i like to get them back within a suitable time frame so that i know where all my 'things' are.

dp doesn't look after anything that he owns - all his stuff ends up breaking, getting lost and getting damaged so i feel reluctant to let him borrow things. i think thats why he now just takes stuff and i feel like im nagging when i ask him to bring xxx back next time he's round.

i had the urge to listen to oasis yesterday, and all 5 of my oasis cds were gone and i know he's got them. i dread to think what condition they are in

OP posts:

kickingking · 07/06/2011 16:06

Yes, all the time and it rarely causes a problem.

I dislike DH using some things - tweezers and nail clippers, for example, as I find it a bit...manky.

Jaspants · 07/06/2011 16:09

There is not one single thing of mine that I would mind about DH using, big or small, although I do guard my laptop jealousy and chase him off it

He often takes my car without saying if its more convenient - I don't mind at all as I do the same if I need to, he's not so keen on me driving his car though. I get the better deal out of that arrangement though as he'll often wash it and fill it up with petrol for me while he uses it, whereas I usually return his filthy, empty and with the odd minor scrape on it.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 07/06/2011 16:10

yes we all take each others stuff

i look for books for ages to find they have worked their way up to son's room, or my CD is found in other son's player

just the way it is in our house, i like it

diddl · 07/06/2011 16:32

Well I think when you are living together it would seem odd to ask to borrow something that is sitting on a shelf in a communal room for all to see.

But I do expect things to be put back after use.

mamas12 · 07/06/2011 16:39

He's being rude and disrepecting your stuff and you're letting him.
Why don't you tell him this is bugging you, just go out have a chat about how you feel about it over a glass of wine and then ask for all the stuff back and could he please ask next time so you can keep track of your stuff.

He may not be aware how you feel.

overmydeadbody · 07/06/2011 17:06

juicychops the situation sounds really annoying, if you don't live together he shouldn't be taking your stuff without asking.

Have you talked to him about it though? It might just have never occured to him to ask because he missed that lesson in politeness? I recon what you need is a long honest chat, where you spell out exactly what your expectations ar with regard to him borrowing your stuff.

Original poster

juicychops · 07/06/2011 17:35

i told him recently when he had put aside a large pile of dvds to take to his mum and dad's that i dont mind him borrowing things, but only a few at a time, and i want that to then come back before he borrows other stuff

it didn't go down well. i think he just sees it as petty and nagging

some of the stuff his kids also borrow when he's taken it to his mum and dad's. they then take it to their house and then its gone forever. a few things i know have ended up there.

If he looked after my stuff i wouldn't mind so much. but its the fact that he looks after nothing. And because he looks after nothing, his boys look after nothing either. And because i DO look after EVERYTHING i have, and like to keep things neat and in order, it bothers me loads

OP posts:

JanMorrow · 07/06/2011 18:10

you've got to tell him that.. and also tell him you want the stuff his kids have back too! Unacceptable!

mamas12 · 07/06/2011 20:42

tell him it is important to you so it should be important to him.

suburbophobe · 07/06/2011 21:02

Seeing as I have nothing to give, he doesn,t have that right to take either...

GentleOtter · 07/06/2011 21:09

I would ask dh if I needed to borrow tools something of his but this is because only he knows where his things are.
Through bitter experience, I guard my own tool box and winter socks from being 'borrowed'.

Everything else is shared (except chocolate).

sabi333 · 08/06/2011 09:30

If you are resentful (and I would be!) you need to deal with this now.

Perhaps you should start writing your name on things (in thick black pen). Just in case there is a dispute as to whose is what.

But I would definitly ask if we didnt live together! I'd even ask my parents, my sister or a close friend it would be very very rude not to imo. (But then I'd ask my housemates before borrowing a muffin tray or a cup of sugar)

2rebecca · 08/06/2011 11:07

If he lives with his parents I'd describe him as a boyfriend, to me a partner is someone you live with but aren't married to.
I wouldn't expect anyone not living with me to borrow my stuff without asking. If my kids want to take stuff to their dads' house (we're divorced) they ask if it isn't theirs.
Expecting to just take someone esle's stuff is rude and shows a lack of respect for that person.
If he sees you asking him not to take your stuff without asking and to return it when asked as "petty and nagging" he sounds really selfish.
I would tell him and his kids that you don't want anything borrowed without them asking as stuff often isn't returned and you have bought stuff because you want to listen to it.
Maybe suggest they make copies of the CDs and take them.
It doesn't sound as though you are getting any reciprocal benefits out of this "borrowing" arrangement.

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