Thoughts pls - Is my DH having an affair? What would you do in my situation?

[FreckleFreak]

Been with DH for nearly 15 yrs & married for nearly 7 of those yrs. We've always been happy for most of those years apart from some family stuff that we've had some hard times with in the last 5yrs which has obviously has impacted us both but we've always been there for each other. Also my DH had developed a drink problem but he's now sober. We have 2 wonderful children together (3 & 5yrs old). They drive us both mad at times but that's just kids! My DH has always treated me well and so I've always thought the world of him, up until about a yr ago when his drinking was getting out of control (when I truly started to realise that he really did have a drink problem). It was also the time I became aware of this other woman in my DH life. Started off I became aware of her making comments on my DH status updates and photos on Facebook and thought oh dunno who she is but is nice she's interested in our family. Then one of the bank hol w/e last yr we had guests and we were prepping for BBQ my DH had left his phone in the kitchen while I was prepping food with a friend and literally his phone kept buzzing with texts from this same woman I had noticed making comments on FB. I started having a good look thru his phone to find that they had pet names for each other and he had been doodling pics of her, taking pics of the doodles and then sending them to her and having checked the call logs to see he'd been calling her early morning when I'd probably been in the shower.

Once I'd seen all this I waited for our guests to leave and then I confronted him about it and he denied there was anything going on between them, that she was a good friend and nothing more. Obviously I asked him why he was keeping her a secret from me if they were just friends and if she meant that much to him as a friend becuase I'm not the jealous type at all and I'm not into playing mind games with people and he knows that. He said that he didn't say anything about her coz he knew how he would feel if I had a male friend I was close to and he based it on how he would feel. Thing is...he's not the jealous type either and wouldn't feel threatened even if a bloke flirted with me in front of him because he knows he can trust me...so I didn't know what to make of that coz he's never felt threatened before but I guess he knows he wouldn't like it if I had an ongoing close flirty 'friendship' with another guy? If he had told me about her from the start I probably wouldn't have read much into it (unless I saw that stuff on his phone) and I would've added her into our lives and got to know her (which he knows so makes me even more suspicious about it all). If she's that important why keep her from me, why not make her part of our circle of friends.

Anyway, he tetx her after the confrntation to let her know saying that I'd seen some text and kicked off and that family had to come first. She text back agreeing but saying that she didn't understand wht had happened and what was it she was supposed to have said that upset me etc and my DH had said both to me in person and to her by txt that it was all his fault but that he didn't want to lose her as a friend. Comms between them appeared to have quietened down howver I realised that he was deleting messages from his phone in case I got hold of it which I did if one of the kids was playing with it and then I would findd fragment of conversations where he'd deleted some and somehow got distracted before deleting the rest. The bit I forgot to mention earlier was that we all work for the same company. My DH & I don't work together but he does have regular interaction with this woman (obviously how he's gotten to know her). I work part-time and I know that he has a regular coffee arrangement with her on the one day that I'm not at work. He doesn't know that I know this (as yet!!) As I said comms appeared to have died down between them but the laatest thing now that our eldest is 5 yrs old she now becomes eligible to take part in all sorts of activities she couldn't before. So now he likes to take our eldest to take part in an indoor activity where he is a member and he invites this woman and her child along to join in. He has the perfect excuse excluding me from the invitte by saying that our little one is too young and would only be a danger to herself and others and so I have look after her. I've said that we would like to go along and watch but he can only sign in 3 guests (so that's our eldest, this woman and her child). Just think it's odd that if this woman is just a friend why hasn't he tried to make her part of our circle rather than keep her separate? The reason I have a question mark in my head over it all is because my DH is the one who seems to be trying to keep everything under wraps whereas this woman doesn't try to hide anything (suggesting that it is indeed just friendship and hence her confusion as to why I'm reacting the way I have). Latest example my DH arranged to meet this woman to do an activity her DD loved but our eldest had never tried but once again didn't tell me anything about it. My eldest happened to tell me in passing that there was a possible plan in place to do thi sactivity. I said nothing about it but decided to start talking about going shopping on my own on that particular day (in my apparent blissful ignorance about his arrangements), so that would mean that he would have to mind both kids which he couldn't do if his plans were to go ahead. I wanted to see if he would tell me then but still said nothing just said that the bank hol Mon would be better for shopping as Sat always the busier day in the shops etc. Anyway, he only told me when this woman openly made a comment about the planned activities on his FB status so he then mentioned it to me as soon as he could after her comment so that I wouldn't 'realise' he'd been hiding it from me. I told him that I would like to try it but still he didn't tell me that he had made plans with this woman to have a go with her. I was really miffed coz I wanted to give that activity a try and he knew that but he wanted to go with her for his first time rather than with me. Still I said nothing coz I decided to tell him last minute that I was coming too (and bringing our youngest). Part of me wanted to observe him with this woman from afar but also to have some contact with her myself to try to assess things for myself. If things are really so innocent then she will be friendly etc.

Anway, told him last minute that me & the little one were coming along to watch and he reacted fine to that but was trying to txt her as soon as we reached the car park. I said there's no need to text her I'm sure she'll be here in a minute so he stopped so she had no prior warning that I was coming. Well her face was like thunder when she realised I was in the car! She came over and greeted me fine but that was basically the extent of her interaction with me. Anyway once we all got to the place she told the booking office the times she had booked for whom and she & DH had the same time slot so he knew all this in advance and never let on! I ended up getting paired with my eldest. Having said all that my DH didn't act differently with me in front of her or anything so I didn't know what to think about it all. That was on the Sat. Then the following day all of a sudden he tells me he's off out to the gym for a hour (not a local one but one he goes to about 6 miles away), once again no notice of his intentions (but if I say this to him he just says well just fancied getting some exercise). Of course I start thinking straight away that this is coz I gate-crashed his time with the girlfriend the day before and she wasn't happy about it. I noticed that he'd left he work laptop logged on so use his absence to have a rummage through his mail. Mainly work stuff between them but notced he'd been sending her jokes that he hadn't shared with me which hurt, a lot! He & I have always been close but seems that for some reason he's finding another 'closeness' with her! That was my domain! Ouch!! Also noticed she'd sent him a meeting invite (but with others on the invite too) which he declined that with the words "Only one to ones, hate to share you". Well my head was spinning after that. I was this close to forwarding it straight to her partner's email address to cause trouble for her and my DH but then realised that I would be the one who would get into so much shit (coz she could possibly make trouble for me at work).

Anyway 2hrs later still no sign so I called him (normally not something I would do but majorly sus having read his email) asking him if he was going to be home soon as he'd missed dinner. He came home not looking like someone who'd been exercising, normally would come home in his exercise kit but when questioned he said that he was all minging so wanted to change. Fair enough! However alarms bells are ringing yet again. The reason I haven't had it out with him again is because I don't have anything concrete to go on as such. I can't help but wonder if he has an infatuation with this woman and she's flattered by it and is enjoying his attentions. I have asked him outright before if he has slept with her and he said he hadn't and had no interest in sleeping with her but the thing I can't let go of is that if it's so innocent then why does he try to keep his activities with her secret (only telling me last minute so the chances are I can't be included)?

Apologies for such a long post but my head is wrecked, I don't know what to think or what to do to make things change. Part of me wants to have it out with him yet again but if he is hiding something from me all it does is make him aware and then he becomes more careful for a few months until the dust has settled again and so the cycle continues. The other part of me says to hold tight and if something is going on it'll become more apparent over time but only if I say nothing. Thing is I dunno if I can keep quiet for too much longer....it's all swirling around in my head!!! I think he's probably already wondering if I'm suspicious coz I've been off with him since reading that note in his email on Sun when he was out and then me ringing him...I don't normally ring him to ask him when he's coming home.

I'd love to get one of those private investigators onto him to find out for sure but they cost a lot of money. I need to know if he's playing me for a fool. Would love to know what people make of this and what would you do in my situation?

He may not be sleeping with her, but what he is doing I would term an emotional affair and I'd be livid.

I'll have to reread your OP a few times to sort through all the info, sorry!

He is playing you for a fool. As a couple neither of you should have "secret" friends or undertake "secret" activities. His behaviour is unacceptable even if they are not having a physical affair. I am all too familiar with feeling like you are going mad thinking about his behaviour, trust me, if your instincts tell you there is something going on there probably is.

I had to reply to your post. My husband has been doing the absolute same recently. I had it out with him after I found emails to her calling her babe and saying he missed her (she is working away for a couple of months). I have been through two years of him deleting texts, phone calls when I am out, joke text messages early hours that sort of thing. The argument got to new heights when I demanded that he have no contact with her out of work. Which he has now agreed to. However, when she returns it remains to be seen if he can maintain it.

This will drive you insane. PLease confront him and make him understand how you feel.

You are absolutely right to be concerned.tbh it probably isn't anything physical-yet- but it's definitely inappropriate.My DH was was keeping very quiet about amount of contact and friendship with OW last year.They were meeting almost everyday at luchtimes-their work gave them an excuse for this albeit in a public place but theyfound cosy little corners for long chats.This progressed to lots of texting which by the time I found out had become very inappropriate and suggestive.Instigated by her as she confessed when I confronted her to ask what the hell she thought she was up to-she was also marreid with DC's.Luckily it went no further.
Got the 'we were just friends' at first but very soon he realized he'd made a huge mistake.She'd developed massive crush and he was obviously loving the attention. As soon as he turned it on it'ds head and thoughthow he'd feel he was distraught at how hurt I was.It was the secrecy.Agree totally with you- if all so innocent why keep arrangements under the radar.
Keep calm -talk to him and tell him how much you love him and want what's best for your 'real' relationship and that it's not that you don't want him to have women as friends but to be open and honest-as he would no doubt want you to be.We are Ok now-probably will be better and stronger in the long run but it did lots of damage to my respect and trust of him.Wishing all the best.I had no idea about level of contact with OW and found out by a third party-a huge shock and not ideal.You can and have every right to let this OW know in the nicest possible way how you feel and get her to back off!

you don't need a private investigator - simply deal with the facts that you have.

He has become inappropriately close to a female friend and is being secretive and lying to you about meetings/ details and is ignoring your unhappiness.

Sit him down, or write him a letter if that's easier - and explain that you are hurt and angry - don't make wild accusations, but you can point out that you are anxious because of the secrecy and his closeness to her. You are his wife, his commitment to you means your feelings come before those of a friend.

He is already having an emotional affair - possibly more. I'm so sorry you are going through this - but remember, you come first. He needs to be making you feel better - if he isn't prepared to ditch her as a friend and stop being a prat, then you can tell him it's threatening your relationship. If he still chooses her friendship- well, you know something is going on sadly.

I agree it sounds like an emotional affair. Do look at Shirley Glass's website and read her book Not Just Friends.

I think you will have to do some digging around - check his internet history, ask him for passwords to his FB/email accounts (I found a deleted FB message in my H's email deleted email folder from a woman friend which proved that he was having an affair with her).

I'd be surprised if they're not having sex tbh, sorry. It's certainly beyond the limits of normal friendship.

Does her partner know how much time they spend together? If she's concealing it from him as well as your dh concealing it from you, then that's another major indicator.

It's bloody inappropriate. "Hate to share you" WTF? If I and our DS wanted to go to an activity with Dh and he refused because he was doing that exclusively with another woman and her child all hell would break loose. There is enough here that you have the right to be angry and very very concerned.

I totally get what you say about "your domain". your DH is sharing things with another woman that he should be sharing with you. His emotional investment is in this relationship not in yours at the moment. When something good, something bad, something funny happens to someone, it is natural in a strong healthy relationship that the person they should want to share that with first is their life partner. Fair enough if they just bump into someone in the corridor/street but to actively chose another person to be the one you share such things with....not on and not right.

It sounds as if potentially your DH needs or needeed a friend but he has looked in the wrong place here and the relationship has crossed a line.

The thing is my DH would have enough respect for my feelings that even if I was being a bit overly insecure or suspicious, he would draw back from a friendship which I considered a threat to our relationship so talking to him would be enough unless things had already gone too far (which I can't imagine them doing as he has a healthy belief in boundaries) and he was in too deep.

I personally would confront your DH again but from the perspective of this relationship making you unhappy and you would like him to draw back from it and not prioritise spending time with her over spending time with you. You should be important enough for this to be something he acts upon.

He's having an affair!

There is really nothing more to say, you do not need a private investigator.

I've heard/seen this scenario so many times in the past concerning friends and aquaintances, and there is generally far more "involement" than the erring partner will admit to, or the wronged partner acknowledge.

Agree with oldwomaninashoe, he is having an affair, whether it is physical or not.

Hi thanks for the all replies. Apologies for not responding sooner, I've been at work all day (and still here). It helped to get it all written down and your thoughts have been helpful. It's made me realise I'm not being daft and that he is taking the piss. Whether or not he is actually sleeping with her I really don't know and guess I'll never know for sure. But I do know that I'm not one bit happy with their friendship as it stands and I do feel strongly enough to give him an ultimatum. However, if I do tell give him an ultimatum how do I know if he's sticking to it? When I had it out with him before I accused him then of having an affair and he said he wasn't and she was just a good friend and that he didn't want to lose her friendship. He did take on board all that I had said to him as they did calm down their comms (as far as I could tell). That was a year ago but now lately it seems it has picked up again (or perhaps DH has become a bit more careless now that the dust has settled?) Not sure what the right way of it is. Regardless of ultimatum he will always have the 'excuse' of having to work with her so it's a tricky one for sure.

With regard to checking his emails/FB etc, it's not something he lets me have access to and tends to be annoyed with me if he thinks I'm flicking thru his FB or if I use his work laptop. That was why I used his absence on Sun afternoon to have a good nosey thru his work email to see what I could find out about their relationship.

Buzzsore, I don't know her partner at all but I wrote down his email address for potential use as I had contemplated forwarding the message I found from DH to the OW saying how he hated to share her. Instead I've forwarded it to my own email addresses and kept her partner's email address. Not saying I will ever use it but maybe some day I may have to, to blow the whole thing out of hiding. Also, her partner would have very little awareness or her whereabouts as he travels with work and is even away some weekends.

DH has been really lovely today at work, he brought some strawberries down to my desk coz they were so nice he wanted to share them with me. Of course I was pleased but also immediately suspicious coz the OW is also in this part of the building so I asked him to what do I owe the pleasure? He said that he wanted a quick break and thought he'd drop down to say hello. Lovely but my head can't help but wonder is there another motivation!! This whole mindset headf*ck thing is really no way to live so I'll have to do something. Also as some of you have said if he's not sleeping with her now it could end up heading that way. One of my friends found herself in the same situation where her DH had this close female friend so much so that she had to tell them both to calm it down as she considered them to be behaving inappropriately. Ultimately it ended up the did start sleeping with each other and my friend is now divorced and he is still with the OW. I never would've put this guy down as a cheater so I was so shocked. Likewise I find it hard to think the same of my own DH but my experience with my friend has shown me that it's very possible. Think I may call her up tomorrow night when DH is out playing sport to see what she thinks of it all. She knows both of us quite well so I would be interested to hear her reaction. She lives about 300miles away and I hadn't told her about what happened last summer but I think it's time I told her before I confront him about it for the second time. He'll deny anything is going on of course, that there's nothing in it etc. I'm not sure how to trust him now and also for treating me like a fool, thinking that I wouldn't notice anything. Just don't know what to feel, always thought the world of DH.....feel so so sad :(

I think as part of your ultimatum, you have to insist on him showing you his emails, FB page/messages, mobile phone etc.

So sorry you're going through this.

It does sound very much like he's having an affair I'm afraid. And I think that given the length of time he's known her and the level of intimacy between them, you have to assume that it has become sexual and probably has been for some time.

I know that will be hard to read, but just from going on what you've posted, that's what jumps out at me.

I think you do need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him you will not tolerate his 'friendship' with this woman for one more second and if he can't understand that the secrecy and lies are making you miserable then he needs to go.

Let him know in no uncertain terms how high the stakes are. If he stands to lose his family, she better be worth it. (she almost certainly isn't)

No, she most certainly isn't worth it Madonnawhore!

MadAboutHotChoc, I've already had a rummage thru all that I could as he has it all on his iPhone which I can get hold of from time to time when his guard is down. It'll be well & truly back up when I confront him. I was going to wait til after I spoke with my friend tomorrow night but tbh I'm steaming with anger right now so I may well end have it out with him tonight!

He is married to you and you are the one he should be sharing things with.

If I were you, I would say he ends the affair "friendship", or he fucks off. So long as that is what you want. He is taking the piss at the moment, and lying to you as well. There is no way this is just an innocent friendship.

He is stepping way over your boundaries so, as his loyalty to you should over-ride anything he feels towards her, he should pack all of this in.

No question.

I confronted my DH last night. Asked him what is going on between him & OH. Of course he said that they were just friends and then got annoyed saying that I was reading too much into things. He swore on his kids lives that he wasn't sleeping with her and never has. I went through everything with him, thrashed it all out and he explained some of his actions. He couldn't however explain to me why he was trying to keep their interactions/meetings a secret from me. I asked him about the "hate to share you" email to OW. He said that they'd been talking about a meeting they needed to have with some colleagues and they'd been laughing about how dull it was going to be and apparently the comment he'd written was in reference to that. I questioned why he would write something like that to her in the first place if nothing was going on and why does he flirt with her? That he didn't treat her like his other female friends. Would he write that to other friends? No he wouldn't! That's the sort of comment he would've sent to me (once upon a time.

Told him that his 'friendship' with OW was totally unappropriate and that it was making me deeply unhappy. How would he feel if it was the other way around? What would he think if he'd discovered the private jokes and a 'hate to share you' email to me from another man? The look of realisation on his face was really obvious, he said he would be very upset. He apologised profusely and said that he'd never ever meant to upset me and he was truly sorry. Asked what I wanted him to do. I told him that I wanted him to bin OW. I reminded him that I'd had the same convo with him about the OW this time last year and he'd said then he'd sort it out, that he'd get us two introduced and we'd start to get to know each other etc. Never happened and eventually it's back to the sneaking around again etc. Told him I gave him a chance the last time to fix it and he didn't so now he needs to fix it by cutiing ties with her as much as poss. Said that he was on his final warning and that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore so he'd better make sure he does as I've asked this time. He said that he would, apologised profusely saying that me & the kids mean the world to him etc.

Went to work as usual, come home, DH gone out to do some sport with a couple of his friends, logged on to FB after putting kids to bed to find that last night OW had commented on DH status that he'd made just before I had discussion with him last night. She asked a question about his status and what did he do? He bloody well responded to it this morning!!!! Argh!! Am so angry right now!! Content of the response totally harmless but it's the fact that he replied to her at all!! I had requested that he not have any dealings with her unless he had to. Feel like texting him and telling him not to bother coming home tonight I'm that p*ssed off with him. I might as well be talking to the wall!

Perhaps I should forward the 'hate to share you' email to OW, remind her that he's a married man with a young family. Tell her not to contact my DH again unless it's in relation to work

I saw her in work earlier, god how I wanted to scratch her eyes out!! I'm not normally that sort of person but god how I wanted to do that today LOL

You need to have another chat to him tonight . He obviously hasn't taken you seriously or he would not be replying to her. He either doesn't believe you are serious, he doesn't care or he cares more about her because there is more between them than he is admitting.

He needs it spelling out clearlt that no contact with OW means no contact. No emails, no texts, no facebook comments, nothing.

He needs to delete all her numbers/email addresses/facebook contacts etc in front of you.

I think this one little slip this morning is OK if it is the only slip. If you see another single communication I think you are going to have to stick to your guns and tell him to find somewhere else to stay for a while.

Will he go to counselling with you?

Yes that's why I'm soo angry with him....he clearly isn't taking my request seriously. It's worrying that he has felt compelled to reply to her question despite the convo we had last night. Honestly he's lucky he's not here right now......I seriously feel like throttling him!!!!!!!!

Out of interest Xales, how would counselling help the situation? He's the one being a twat.

I am so sorry I really don't have any answers for you.

I can understand the anger. He is either throwing your relationship away because he cares more for her than for you and will not cut her out to save your relationship or he just doesn't seem to care enough about your relationship at all. He seems to be throwing it away for something he says is just a friendship.

To be honest I think there is more or else why would he be frantically trying to warn her when you decided to tag along and then why would she have a face like thunder? if it were genuine friendship she would have given you a great big hi and smile and really glad you could make it and join in.

Trouble is do you or can you trust him? If you start having to monitor his phone/pc then what sort of relationship will you have?

Because maybe explaining and talking to a neutral third party and having them say the boundaries are inappropriate and damaging your marriage would have more impact than the wife 'nagging' again.

I see what you mean. Good thought, thanks for that!