Been with DH for nearly 15 yrs & married for nearly 7 of those yrs. We've always been happy for most of those years apart from some family stuff that we've had some hard times with in the last 5yrs which has obviously has impacted us both but we've always been there for each other. Also my DH had developed a drink problem but he's now sober. We have 2 wonderful children together (3 & 5yrs old). They drive us both mad at times but that's just kids! My DH has always treated me well and so I've always thought the world of him, up until about a yr ago when his drinking was getting out of control (when I truly started to realise that he really did have a drink problem). It was also the time I became aware of this other woman in my DH life. Started off I became aware of her making comments on my DH status updates and photos on Facebook and thought oh dunno who she is but is nice she's interested in our family. Then one of the bank hol w/e last yr we had guests and we were prepping for BBQ my DH had left his phone in the kitchen while I was prepping food with a friend and literally his phone kept buzzing with texts from this same woman I had noticed making comments on FB. I started having a good look thru his phone to find that they had pet names for each other and he had been doodling pics of her, taking pics of the doodles and then sending them to her and having checked the call logs to see he'd been calling her early morning when I'd probably been in the shower.
Once I'd seen all this I waited for our guests to leave and then I confronted him about it and he denied there was anything going on between them, that she was a good friend and nothing more. Obviously I asked him why he was keeping her a secret from me if they were just friends and if she meant that much to him as a friend becuase I'm not the jealous type at all and I'm not into playing mind games with people and he knows that. He said that he didn't say anything about her coz he knew how he would feel if I had a male friend I was close to and he based it on how he would feel. Thing is...he's not the jealous type either and wouldn't feel threatened even if a bloke flirted with me in front of him because he knows he can trust me...so I didn't know what to make of that coz he's never felt threatened before but I guess he knows he wouldn't like it if I had an ongoing close flirty 'friendship' with another guy? If he had told me about her from the start I probably wouldn't have read much into it (unless I saw that stuff on his phone) and I would've added her into our lives and got to know her (which he knows so makes me even more suspicious about it all). If she's that important why keep her from me, why not make her part of our circle of friends.
Anyway, he tetx her after the confrntation to let her know saying that I'd seen some text and kicked off and that family had to come first. She text back agreeing but saying that she didn't understand wht had happened and what was it she was supposed to have said that upset me etc and my DH had said both to me in person and to her by txt that it was all his fault but that he didn't want to lose her as a friend. Comms between them appeared to have quietened down howver I realised that he was deleting messages from his phone in case I got hold of it which I did if one of the kids was playing with it and then I would findd fragment of conversations where he'd deleted some and somehow got distracted before deleting the rest. The bit I forgot to mention earlier was that we all work for the same company. My DH & I don't work together but he does have regular interaction with this woman (obviously how he's gotten to know her). I work part-time and I know that he has a regular coffee arrangement with her on the one day that I'm not at work. He doesn't know that I know this (as yet!!) As I said comms appeared to have died down between them but the laatest thing now that our eldest is 5 yrs old she now becomes eligible to take part in all sorts of activities she couldn't before. So now he likes to take our eldest to take part in an indoor activity where he is a member and he invites this woman and her child along to join in. He has the perfect excuse excluding me from the invitte by saying that our little one is too young and would only be a danger to herself and others and so I have look after her. I've said that we would like to go along and watch but he can only sign in 3 guests (so that's our eldest, this woman and her child). Just think it's odd that if this woman is just a friend why hasn't he tried to make her part of our circle rather than keep her separate? The reason I have a question mark in my head over it all is because my DH is the one who seems to be trying to keep everything under wraps whereas this woman doesn't try to hide anything (suggesting that it is indeed just friendship and hence her confusion as to why I'm reacting the way I have). Latest example my DH arranged to meet this woman to do an activity her DD loved but our eldest had never tried but once again didn't tell me anything about it. My eldest happened to tell me in passing that there was a possible plan in place to do thi sactivity. I said nothing about it but decided to start talking about going shopping on my own on that particular day (in my apparent blissful ignorance about his arrangements), so that would mean that he would have to mind both kids which he couldn't do if his plans were to go ahead. I wanted to see if he would tell me then but still said nothing just said that the bank hol Mon would be better for shopping as Sat always the busier day in the shops etc. Anyway, he only told me when this woman openly made a comment about the planned activities on his FB status so he then mentioned it to me as soon as he could after her comment so that I wouldn't 'realise' he'd been hiding it from me. I told him that I would like to try it but still he didn't tell me that he had made plans with this woman to have a go with her. I was really miffed coz I wanted to give that activity a try and he knew that but he wanted to go with her for his first time rather than with me. Still I said nothing coz I decided to tell him last minute that I was coming too (and bringing our youngest). Part of me wanted to observe him with this woman from afar but also to have some contact with her myself to try to assess things for myself. If things are really so innocent then she will be friendly etc.
Anway, told him last minute that me & the little one were coming along to watch and he reacted fine to that but was trying to txt her as soon as we reached the car park. I said there's no need to text her I'm sure she'll be here in a minute so he stopped so she had no prior warning that I was coming. Well her face was like thunder when she realised I was in the car! She came over and greeted me fine but that was basically the extent of her interaction with me. Anyway once we all got to the place she told the booking office the times she had booked for whom and she & DH had the same time slot so he knew all this in advance and never let on! I ended up getting paired with my eldest. Having said all that my DH didn't act differently with me in front of her or anything so I didn't know what to think about it all. That was on the Sat. Then the following day all of a sudden he tells me he's off out to the gym for a hour (not a local one but one he goes to about 6 miles away), once again no notice of his intentions (but if I say this to him he just says well just fancied getting some exercise). Of course I start thinking straight away that this is coz I gate-crashed his time with the girlfriend the day before and she wasn't happy about it. I noticed that he'd left he work laptop logged on so use his absence to have a rummage through his mail. Mainly work stuff between them but notced he'd been sending her jokes that he hadn't shared with me which hurt, a lot! He & I have always been close but seems that for some reason he's finding another 'closeness' with her! That was my domain! Ouch!! Also noticed she'd sent him a meeting invite (but with others on the invite too) which he declined that with the words "Only one to ones, hate to share you". Well my head was spinning after that. I was this close to forwarding it straight to her partner's email address to cause trouble for her and my DH but then realised that I would be the one who would get into so much shit (coz she could possibly make trouble for me at work).
Anyway 2hrs later still no sign so I called him (normally not something I would do but majorly sus having read his email) asking him if he was going to be home soon as he'd missed dinner. He came home not looking like someone who'd been exercising, normally would come home in his exercise kit but when questioned he said that he was all minging so wanted to change. Fair enough! However alarms bells are ringing yet again. The reason I haven't had it out with him again is because I don't have anything concrete to go on as such. I can't help but wonder if he has an infatuation with this woman and she's flattered by it and is enjoying his attentions. I have asked him outright before if he has slept with her and he said he hadn't and had no interest in sleeping with her but the thing I can't let go of is that if it's so innocent then why does he try to keep his activities with her secret (only telling me last minute so the chances are I can't be included)?
Apologies for such a long post but my head is wrecked, I don't know what to think or what to do to make things change. Part of me wants to have it out with him yet again but if he is hiding something from me all it does is make him aware and then he becomes more careful for a few months until the dust has settled again and so the cycle continues. The other part of me says to hold tight and if something is going on it'll become more apparent over time but only if I say nothing. Thing is I dunno if I can keep quiet for too much longer....it's all swirling around in my head!!! I think he's probably already wondering if I'm suspicious coz I've been off with him since reading that note in his email on Sun when he was out and then me ringing him...I don't normally ring him to ask him when he's coming home.
I'd love to get one of those private investigators onto him to find out for sure but they cost a lot of money. I need to know if he's playing me for a fool. Would love to know what people make of this and what would you do in my situation?