DP, DS, DSSs... WWYD? (long, sorry)

[OneManBand]

I really need some advice...

I've been with DP for about 15 months - he doesn't live with us but stays over several times a week. I have DS(5) and he has his own DSs - 6 & 4 - I'll call them DSS1 & DSS2 - all the DCs get on well and have fun together - they stay over once a month and we all go out together often.

Last week we went away. DSS2's behaviour was challenging. On the journey there, he got cross about something and began chucking things around the back of the car - toys, shoes, water bottle and hit and scratched me when I held onto the things he was trying to throw. DP looked embraraased but didn't do anything. He eventually stopped the car when DSS2 took his seatbelt off while we were on the motorway.

This got worse - no please/ thank yous from either DSS, general stropiness at not getting their own way and by the 3rd day, they were saying my DS was naughty (he wasn't), stupid and couldn't play with their toys. DP got increasingly cross with them and snappy with me and cried because he didn't know what to do. We talked about what he wanted me to do and he said he wanted me to continue to support him and to have the same expectations of DSSs as I DS. He asked what I'd do and I said be firm and consistent (which is what I'd do at work).

Over a few days, it became clear that DP wasn't actually going to deal with the problems at all - he seemed to let me do it then take his boys to do nice things (pub, cakes etc) when they'd been quite rude/ aggressive (hitting DP when we were out, screaming if they couldn't have a toy, blocking other people trying to go into the public toilet and refusing to move when asked etc). I got fed up with feeling like I was nagging them, so I stopped.

By the last day, DSS2 (who weighs twice what DS does) had dug his nails in DS's leg, leaving nailmarks and grabbed his collar then shoved him over (for no reason - I watched). DP saw but just walked DSS2 away - he didn't say anything. We got in the car and came home. I feel realy angry with DP - like he didn't address the issues and he let his DC hurt another child (maybe I am overreacting because it was MY DS who got hurt ) and then did nothing . At the beginning, I felt like we were a family. DC WILL argue a bit and DP & I dealt with things together. But as the week went on, I began to feel that DP wasn't interested in being a family at all.

When we got home, I took DP's key off his keyring and haven't spoken since.

I don't know what to do now. It was a hellish week away and DS doesn't want DSS's to come over anymore. I just wanted to be a family. I miss DP.

Oh, that was really long. Sorry

Sounds like you really need to talk. A lot. Very very difficult 'blending' families. Your dp's sons sound stressed, challenging and looking for boundaries from their dad. They need to come from him not you. Your dp will have to grasp this by the horns or whoever he has a relationship with is going to have a crap time with it.

Your first priority is to your own son.

But you two obviously have a lot of talking and agreeing to do.

How does he get on with his exP/wife? Badly I suspect.

Why did his relationship with his kids mother break down?

I would hazard a guess that his apathy at being a dad might just have been a factor.

Having said that though, they are young children, who will misbehave and who are probably still confused at having to split their time between two families.

Thanks SO much for reading & responding.

Yes, relationship with his exW is not good. He thinks she is unreasonable and dislikes her a lot but when he comes over and complains about her, I do sometimes see her point of view.

His boys are very insecure - they want their Dad and cry a lot when he leaves. He seems them twice a week and every other weekend but they don't cope well. Apparently they don't behave like this with other people -eg when they are with their grandparents.

I think DP's so lax because he wants them to like him. I have reassured him that they'd still like him if he had some boundaries but atm it feels like they are pushing and pushing him. He's not like that with my DS - they get on really well.

We DO need to talk. I just don't know what to say anymore.

My priority IS with my DS which is why I took they key off DP. I don't want to split up with him but it just felt so awful, I didn't know what else to do.

I don't actually know why his relationship with DW broke down. He just said they didn't get on and he couldn't live there any more...

I would honestly keep a hold of that key, because I think in a few months time it will be you who he says is unreasonable, and who he is complaining about.

I began to feel that DP wasn't interested in being a family at all

I am really sorry to say this, but I have a feeling that may be part of the reason he is not with his ex.

You also have to put your son first, and it sounds like the holiday was no fun for him at all.

Oh dear

I fear you may be right. I hoped there might be a solution. I fully expected being a blended family to be hard but not like this.

A couple of weeks ago, DP asked if he could move in. He wanted to be a proper family. I said he could move in when he got divorced - he's been 'going to sort it' for months.

OMB, I think you need to get to know him better and find out the real reasons for his marriage break up before you allow him into your life more permanently.

The reason he hasnt got around to sorting his divorce, could possibly be because he doesnt want the truth of it to come out and be known by you.

Sorry if this isnt what you want to hear :( but it always sends alarm bells to me when a man has already left his marriage when the children were so young, and indicates if he isnt all that great with parenting his own children, he aint going to be the best stepdad in the world either.

This holiday was certainly an eye opener - we've been on short breaks before and it's been lovely but this was anything but. I thought I did know him but clearly I don't. We have a LOT to talk about, you're right.

DS is confused - he wants to see DP.

Life is much easier when I am single!

Ok, having read that - 'he wants to move in' - I would say finish this at once.

It will end in heartache for you and your son. Don't even think about going there.

And if you allow him to move in I for one will never speak to you again.

Thank god you're not pregnant by him.

Hey, it happens, and at least you are getting an insight into the real person BEFORE the relationship is in very deep. It does take time to get to know someone, and IMO the reason so many relationships do go tits up, is because people rush into living together, and having kids, before they know the real person.

I have been guilty of it myself in the past, so it is from experience and lessons learned that I say this.

I would honestly say that it takes at least a couple of years to really know if the relationship you are in is going to be for the long haul, because in the initial throes of any romance, people are on their best behaviour, eager to impress, and careful not to let their guard down so much.

Yr ds doesnt want to see ex DP - at 5 they just say things. Maybe he sees that you want to see him and is aiding that. They are funny little things.

Where is yr ds's dad?

Eeek, I was really hoping for some positive stories!

When I told him, he couldn't move in until he was properly divorced, I actually felt relieved. I guess that's not a good sign, is it? I quite like living alone with DS. But then I miss DP when he's not around.

DS's father lives overseas - they speak to each other several times a week. I think DS liked having someone cool to play football with.

Well, he said perhaps we should talk. So, we'll see. I feel very sad to have lost DP who is fab with DS. It's just a shame he's not so fab with his own DSs and not good with DS at all when all 3 boys are there.

I think it is very easy to judge when you haven't been in that man's situation - and although we don't know why his marriage failed (and may never know the truth of it, these things tend to be pretty subjective) that doesn't mean he's necessarily a bad guy or father normally.

Kids of separated parents - specially ones who don't get on - can act up for all sorts of reasons. looks like the week away triggered something negative in somebody, from simply being too much change for little ones, to being actively encouraged not to 'play happy families' with you.

Your DP may be frightened that he will go the way of many NRP's, losing that relationship with his boys. He may not know what to do - it is very hard to be tuned in to kids needs when you don't live with them. You know from your own DS that tactics that work one week might not work the next.

If you want to make a go of it I'd see how he decides to approach the problem. If he doesn't admit there is one, then probably it's not worth trying to keep going (with the proviso that the issue is broached sensitively, we all get defensive if we think our kids are being criticised). If he is willing to talk sensibly about the problems with the behaviour and the problems with his reaction to it, agree ground rules and reactions and areas of responsibility, then there is hope. Please be warned, blending a family is incredibly hard.

Good Luck.

Thanks.

I really don't think he's a bad guy. He is, on the whole, lovely. And, as I said, he's really good with DS usually and is great with his own two when I see them together.

I was really conscious of not wanting to appear to be nagging or picking on his children and I realise they were in a difficult situation. Likewise, I felt very protective of my DS. I do like his children, a lot. It was just a very tough week and, instead of making us stronger, it all went pear-shaped.

I fully expected blending a family to be very tricky and I can cope with that. But if DP and I can't do it together then its not going to work at all. We will talk, I hope and see what happens from there.

If you really like having him around why not keep him around as a BF not a DP?
BUT in that scenario you can't really let your DCs get involved/attached when there is no long-term commitment in the relationship.
For lone ps I think you need to know BFs quite well before you introduce them to your DCs, otherwise you risk them becoming attached and upset each time you meet someone and it doesn't work - or very disillusioned. I know that sounds quite hard going but not as hard as feeling like you've caused your DCs upset/emotional damage. (I speak from experience sadly)

Put your son first and dump this useless jellyfish of a bloke and his ill-mannered brats.

Um, thanks TakeItOnTheChins

We've been together for over a year and things were pretty good which is why DP was introduced to DS. I am really cautious and reluctant to introduce DS to anyone and he's never met previous boyfriends. How do you ever know when the time is right to do that? I was with DS's father for 11 yrs and that didn't work out...

I have been mulling this over all day and am finding it hard to be objective.

This is terribly hard to say (and take it on the chins children of seperated families are rarely "ill mannered brats" more "insecure and uncertain children acting out in a desperate attempt for reassurance" and I say that as a step mother) but your problem is your partner - why on earth didnt he stop them - was he expecting you to discipline them? A lovely dad understands the need for clear boundaries with his children, rather then ignoring increasingly difficult behaviour.

I know, prettyfly, I know. I DO understand their behaviour when they come and stay for a weekend but a week of it, and DP doing nothing, was too much. My problem is not with the DC - I love them - but very definitely with DP for being so bloody useless. I am sure he does it because he is scared/ wants to be liked/ thinks that not telling them off = being a good parent. He did acknowledge that boundaries are important and that I am quite firm with my DS and that people often comment on how well-behaved and content he seems (people who don't see his screaming tantrums, foot stamping and door slamming, obviously ) but he just doesn't seem to 'get' it.

Do you know what their mother felt about the trip away? Is it possible she wasn't happy about it and the DSSs picked up on that, making them feel unsettled and then the problems ensued? Highlighting DP's poor parenting skills.

It doesn't look good for your DP moving in. His boys may well become jealous of your DS getting him full-time and continue to gang up on him.

From what I gather, their mum struggles with the boys. She was happy for them to go away with DP so she can have a break but she often complains (well, according to DP) that they come back exhausted and unhappy and the cry a lot when he drops them off. She doesn't let him speak to the boys on the phone during the week as it upsets them too much.

Maybe things need to be less acrimonious between DP and his ex before he gets involved with someone else.

It is usual for children to be upset and unsettled when they say goodbye to the NRP. Separation is dreadfully emotionally hard for most children.

"Maybe things need to be less acrimonious between DP and his ex before he gets involved with someone else" - definitely, you really need to have met her yourself and all be consistent about parenting.

It does not sound as if he knows how to be a parent at all.