DP, DS, DSSs... WWYD? (long, sorry)

[OneManBand]

I really need some advice...

I've been with DP for about 15 months - he doesn't live with us but stays over several times a week. I have DS(5) and he has his own DSs - 6 & 4 - I'll call them DSS1 & DSS2 - all the DCs get on well and have fun together - they stay over once a month and we all go out together often.

Last week we went away. DSS2's behaviour was challenging. On the journey there, he got cross about something and began chucking things around the back of the car - toys, shoes, water bottle and hit and scratched me when I held onto the things he was trying to throw. DP looked embraraased but didn't do anything. He eventually stopped the car when DSS2 took his seatbelt off while we were on the motorway.

This got worse - no please/ thank yous from either DSS, general stropiness at not getting their own way and by the 3rd day, they were saying my DS was naughty (he wasn't), stupid and couldn't play with their toys. DP got increasingly cross with them and snappy with me and cried because he didn't know what to do. We talked about what he wanted me to do and he said he wanted me to continue to support him and to have the same expectations of DSSs as I DS. He asked what I'd do and I said be firm and consistent (which is what I'd do at work).

Over a few days, it became clear that DP wasn't actually going to deal with the problems at all - he seemed to let me do it then take his boys to do nice things (pub, cakes etc) when they'd been quite rude/ aggressive (hitting DP when we were out, screaming if they couldn't have a toy, blocking other people trying to go into the public toilet and refusing to move when asked etc). I got fed up with feeling like I was nagging them, so I stopped.

By the last day, DSS2 (who weighs twice what DS does) had dug his nails in DS's leg, leaving nailmarks and grabbed his collar then shoved him over (for no reason - I watched). DP saw but just walked DSS2 away - he didn't say anything. We got in the car and came home. I feel realy angry with DP - like he didn't address the issues and he let his DC hurt another child (maybe I am overreacting because it was MY DS who got hurt ) and then did nothing . At the beginning, I felt like we were a family. DC WILL argue a bit and DP & I dealt with things together. But as the week went on, I began to feel that DP wasn't interested in being a family at all.

When we got home, I took DP's key off his keyring and haven't spoken since.

I don't know what to do now. It was a hellish week away and DS doesn't want DSS's to come over anymore. I just wanted to be a family. I miss DP.

I'm tempted to show him this thread but I don't think it will help!

My parents were separated so I know how it can be for a child and I've seen how hard transitions are for my DS when he sees his father. It's never easy

Thanks for the support - I really feel mixed up about it all. DS is and will always be my priority, I just needed some impartial advice & am very grateful for all your help.

Your DP obviously cares and admits there is a problem, otherwise he wouldn't have cried because he didn't know what to do.
He probably feels inadequate and ashamed in the face of your son's good behaviour, and his boys are sad and jealous. If DP is willing to talk, maybe you can help him and his boys. He doesn't sound like a jerk to me.

I don't think he's a jerk at all. I think he's a bit lost and struggling. I just wish we could sort it out together rather than falling out about it. Or maybe he just thinks I'm a bossy old cow, I don't know.

My DS is certainly not an angel! He's 5 and strops and argues with the best of them. But he also knows how far he can push me (or not) & what the limits & my expectations are (I'm a teacher - can you tell? )

Well, he said he'd come and talk next Wednesday . I got cross and told him if it's that unimportant that it can wait til next week, it's not worth bothering with. So, I guess that's that.

Just read this and was going to post about your DP's boys and why they are like this with him (precisely because they feel insecure and need boundaries) but it seems like things have reached an impasse. I am sorry . It is crap being a lp some of the time, and I too would love to make a bigger family with someone so I know where you're coming from there. But it sounds like he needs desperately to sort out his parenting skills first, and not just hope that you will step in as parent to his kids (ie be the bad cop all the time, stressful much?). You would end up with a bigger but less happy family.

If you think he could work on his parenting, worth seeing if a week's headspace and thinking time helps both of you and then keeping on the relationship gf & bf, no thoughts of moving in, until he gets a proper grip on his dad skills. He would need to demonstrate this v clearly, eg going on a parenting skills course for starters.

Also, does the fact that he moans about his ex-W not annoy you? Got to be a golden rule that new partners don't crap on about exs all the time, nowt so boring as that.

I think us mums don't realise how much parenting info we have picked up and how much of it is in our bones - there is a lot of it about and we are clued right into it. Men aren't! (generally, that is). He had no idea what to do and neither would you/us if we weren't so clued up. I don't know how old the boys were when he left but it looks like they feel he has rejected them, not their mother (or the marriage)

Those boys are very unhappy - not surprised they played up big time, or that they hurt your DS. Kids don't know how to make their distress known in a rational way (not many adults do either tbh!). Your DP needs to address this as a matter of urgency - perhaps he already knows this, which is why he was so distressed and why he is finding it hard to face - he probably has no idea what to do, how to address it, how to reassure them and himself.

They all need to see a family therapist - to reassure them all tbh. DP sounds full of guilt - which could be for a reason or general divorce guilt (all crippling). He obviously has no idea what to do - maybe he could talk to his GP to get some pointers, where he can go for help. He needs to realise there is a way through this. Imo he must get this addressed before he commits fully to a new relationship.

It probably isn't! (unless you want it to be)

But he does sound so passive laid-back I'd have a hard time accepting his attitude when you are upset and concerned over the week you had together.

Whatever the outcome, I think you've probably had a lucky escape in seeing that living together might well have developed into a nightmare which would have taken enormous effort and commitment to put right. That kind of effort you make unthinkingly for your own DCs bit it is so very hard to do it for step children and BFs/partners.

Springydaffs what a sexist sweeping generalisation!
I know at least 2 men whose parenting skills are better than their partners!

I don't think it's that complicated to tell your children not to be rude or hurt other people - if you can be bothered. That seemed to her the OP's BF's problem IMO, not lack of skills but lack of effort.

He IS laid back - it has been a point of much discussion in the past. He can't plan or organise anything himself . It's always 'what are we doing tomorrow?' or 'what are your plans for the weekend?' - he never ever suggests things he'd like to do or makes his own mind up. It drives me bonkers since I deal with indecisive children all day and I am not the best decision maker tbh. Even on the 1 occasion he said he'd cook dinner, he got home at about 8, then asked what I wanted to eat (he'd had all week to plan it) and if he should go out and buy the ingredients or order takeaway - the whole thing took so long, I made myself a piece of toast instead.

If I TELL him what to do, he'll do it but he always seems so scared of making a mistake or not doing what I'd like (I am not that scary) and he's the same with his children. I can't be arsed organising anyone else anymore. I want a PARTNER, not another dependent.

That all sounds really draining, not to mention irritating.

I really think you have had a timely wake up call before it all got too far to reverse without major troubles.

I'm sorry you'll DC will may be miss him, but I'm sure he'll bounce back with some other good weekend/evening activities to distract him. Make yourself still go out and do fun things for you and DC.

oh blimey. I revise my last post - you sound better off without the hassle. It is really draining having to always be the person in charge. The meal / take away scenario is !

And people wonder why I get impatient and stroppy!

Thank you for being understanding. I really hoped I was overreacting and being ridiculous because there are lots of lovely things too (he's great with DS (or always used to be), kind, generous, does my ironing, says he loves me, is affectionate, buys me flowers etc) but family problems outweigh all of that, I think. Well, DS's happiness does. And DS was not happy last week and neither was I.

And that is what you have to put first. Sounds to me like he has been very badly affected by his previous relationship and is terrified of doing 'the wrong thing'. Might be interesting to ask him about his experience - if he felt he had to walk on eggshells and that nothing was ever right. Seems to me his self-confidence has taken a huge knock and that kind of thing really affects your parenting skills.

Might be that Balia... or might be that he's one of those lazy passive sorts who finds it easier if someone else takes all the responsibility for him is in charge.

I have to be honest, don't expect this situation to change much. It sounds like he stuck in classic Disney Dad mode. Doesn't want to discipline his children for fear of upsetting them when they're with him. So he's looking for you to do this for him. You can be the bad guy, and then good Daddy can take them to fun things regardless of how they've behaved.

He'll end up practically rewarding bad behaviour and you'll be pulling out your hair in frustration and end up with two little boys who think you're an evil Step Mother.

Trust me on this.

OP, I was married to a man like this once. He was a lovely man in every way. He was kind, generous, fun, loving, interesting conversationalist, etc. But he was weak. When things were good, this was ok because he was kind, generous... etc. When things weren't so good, it became a problem. A BIG problem. So much so that we eventually divorced.

If you are happy to take the lead and mother your partner as well as your child, you'll be fine. But if you are looking for an equal partner, one who you can lean on when you're feeling weak (because you are allowed to not cope at times as well you know, being human and all), this man is not for you.

Oh dear lord.

I can't but help feel sorry for these two little boys.

They see their dad with another woman and another little boy when all they want is their dad back - who can blame them for being naughty? And you know what, I don't wholly blame the dad for not telling them off either (even though he should have!!). You say yourself he's good with your son, so it shouldn't be any different with his own, except he's desperate not to upset them.

I think there is the making of a wonderful blended family here, but things have to be sorted - and fast!

Daddy needs to sit down with his boys and make it very clear to them he loves them above and beyond anyone/thinge else in this world. He also needs to tell them he won't tolerate their behaviour any longer either. Then he needs to spend time with just his boys alone, so their confidence can be restored that he's their dad and will always be their dad.

Lots of talking to be done, but I think if you all care enough about each other then it CAN be resolved.

He won't talk to me ('too busy', 'working', 'not feeling well' etc etc ) - he's not even sure he can come and get his stuff on Wednesday, when he said he would. So, it's properly over. I feel very sad. And quite angry tbh. I think, after 15 months, the least I deserved was a brief conversation.

Whatever his issues are, I hope he works them out for the sake of his boys. And his sanity. But mainly for his boys. I'll miss them.

Thank you for all the support.