Do you stay in a dull marriage for good reasons?

[branflakesareboring]

People seem to think that getting out of a dull marriage is important and that people must find their happiness at all costs. Does this always need to be the way though?

I stay for security and companionship. We have virtually no sex and I don't have that much respect for him. We just go from day to day doing what we have to to get by. Neither of us is bothered about high romance or intrigue. We have two children who are happy and settled.

I could not be bothered to find someone else now. I am in my early 40s and heading for middle age seeing the bills are paid and we have enough to eat is okay for me. I'm neither happy nor unhappy.

Is the endless search for romance and happiness worth it? Do the dcs mind being dragged from new romance to new romance or is it just old fashioned to 'stay for the sake of the kids'?

Is anybody else in this situation and how do you cope? I'm beginning to think that I must be in a tiny minority the way things are these days.

Why has your marriage got into such a poor state?. Can you accept that both of you have played a role in getting this marriage this way?.

Could relate help you here?.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Is your marriage as it is really an ideal role model to impart to your children?. What if they went on to have such a marriage or live in relationship like yours is, how would you feel then?. Staying for the sake of the children is rarely if ever a good idea because they could easily turn around to you and ask why you put him before them. If you were to say that you stayed for them they will call you a silly moo for doing so.

Children are very perceptive. I think that your children likely know that you are both unhappy and perhaps think its their fault for you both being unhappy. You only have one life; are you really seemingly content to spend the next 5, 10 or 20 years like this?. What happens when your children leave home, where will that leave the two of you then?.

Agree totally,

Although my situation is different, towards the end i was doing a lot of " take a deep breath and keep going for the kids" and although at the time i thought i was doing ok, its only now i realise how exhausting it was.

I think eventually it will catch up with you and you wont be happy to stay in this marriage - early 40s is still young, you should grab your chance whilst you can
annie
x

I see what you mean. I go through phases of being very happy to be with my DH and phases when I am not bothered. It's not romantic or passionate but it's OK and stable.

I think it's hard to define happiness anyway. Being content is very under-rated. I find other things to make me happy.

attila - the op didn't say she was unhappy.

If you are content, and your DH is content, then there is nothing to worry about. Not everyone needs or wants wild passionate ecstasy all the time - particularly as it isn't a constant state and the highs are matched by the lows.
Being contented is very under-rated. However, if your marriage is 'dull' to the extent that you and your H are constantly sniping at one another and feel resentful and contemptuous of one another then you probably need to do omething about it sooner rather than later.

I agree with Orm completely. I think a lot of people have very unrealistic expectations of life in general, and this causes far more unhappiness, this rather adolescent idea many have of What Life Must Be Like Or It's Unfullfilling and You're Selling Yourself Short and Irreparably Damaging Your Children.

The OP stated she was neither happy nor unhappy.

If the OP chooses to remain in this netherworld that is their marriage (and we do not have any idea of how he feels although he is probably not happy either) then she needs to consider that they are imparting damaging lessons regarding relationships to their children by living a lie. They must work on fixing this and they must both acknowledge that they have both played a role in getting the marriage to the sad state it is now in.

OP, you have perhaps many more years yet on this planet and you are a long time dead!. It is not too late to start again if the marriage has truly ended.

Is this really the legacy that should be left by them to their children?.

If you yourself were living within a sexless dull marriage with a H that you had not much respect for then I would say that there are big problems within the marriage.

Of course marriage is not always hearts and flowers around the door, life can be bloody mundane and full of problems but it is still no reason to live like the OP is currently doing. She is living a lie as is he.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what is being taught to these children here?. It is them I feel a great deal of sympathy for in all this, parents can and do act very selfishly here and children are very perceptive as to the state of their parents marriage.

'We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what is being taught to these children here?. '

It depends. Most children don't know if their parents are having sex or not, for example, or want to know. If they are not sniping at each other and are reasonably companionable the children might not realise. Even as adults.

yep- 40s is ancient. Your life is downhill from now on.
seriously- is that what you think?
are you genuine or is this some kind of research for a feature?

What would be a good reason? Life is short and I am not one for regret so I couldn't.

If a marriage has long term unhappiness within it, the children as adults will not thank either of their parents for remaining within their marriage if they choose to. They will wonder why time was not called on it years earlier, that scenario does get played out even if it is not verbally expressed to either parent.

If OP is feeling a lack of respect for her H then the children will undoubtedly pick up on it, how can it be assumed otherwise?. There is likely to be some sort of atmosphere at home. We give children too little credit, they see many of the nuances within their parents marriage and they learn from the examples that their parents set.

"I don't have that much respect for him." That does not sound like a dull marriage, that sounds unhappy to me. How does that lack of respect manifest itself? How do you behave towards each other?

Interesting to see how this develops, I've been asking myself some questions along these lines this morning. If it were just us then I'd be happy to let it plod, we've been together 25 years and neither of us have any real family, we are each other's family iyswim, also if we split up neither would end up financially secure - things are bad enough now without us both living in crappy flats up to our ears in debt!! But its not just us and I too am concerned about the children - which is the lesser of two evils, or which is evil at all - do we carry on bickering, keep our home and hope the kids get over it (and find better relationships for themselves as adults) or do we split up, and hope the kids get over it (and find etc etc etc) ...

So what I was thinking was wouldn't it be nice if we could find a happier compromise, where we both stay here and parent the children, which we both know we want to do. What's wrong with wanting to be secure?

Yes I'm genuine. I do feel old at 40 because I've had a lot of things go badly wrong in my life. We don't snipe at each other in fact we rarely argue. We just do what we do to run the house and care for the dcs.

We're more like brother and sister I suppose. I keep my feelings about him to myself. He has let me down quite a lot whereas I've always supported him in what he's wanted to do in his life. Life is a bit drudgy. I try to find things to help me feel nice. Just small stuff like music and visits out to nice places. That's what makes me happy.

Burningbridges that's how I feel. We stay together and parent the children and we're pretty good at that. Home is stable to them and they're thriving at school. It's just the deeply personal relationship side that's lacking. dh is happy as long as he has his gardening and electrical projects to be getting on with.

Mmm interesting thread this. My 9yo DD has witnessed several of her friends go through divorce/family break ups and consequently has said to me and DH, on more than one occaission that it would be terrible if that happened to us and even asked us outright (after a short argument we had in the car - no I am not proud of that ) if we would ever get divorced?! . She has made it clear that she DOES NOT want us to split up even when i have pointed out some of her friends are now totally fine following family splits etc.

So how does that fit in the mix - dull,humdrum marriage with kids adament you stay together ?

Hi bran

re your comments:-

"But its not just us and I too am concerned about the children - which is the lesser of two evils, or which is evil at all - do we carry on bickering, keep our home and hope the kids get over it (and find better relationships for themselves as adults) or do we split up, and hope the kids get over it (and find etc etc etc) ..."

That's a huge risk, what if they don't get over it?. They hear their parents' bickering; is this really the legacy you want to leave your children here?. They are learning from you both; they are more likely than not to repeat the patterns that you are both setting for them. Your own perhaps selfish desires to keep the family together will perhaps be the catalyst to really tear it apart in the longer term. Your children will not thank you for staying with him.

Your H seems like a good man, well he provides, but its not working for you is it?. There has not been mutual support particularly from him and again I would ask why that is?. What are the reasons for such emotional unavailability (which you do not have to give).

You write that a lot of things have gone wrong in your life. I am very sorry to read that but this is not in itself a reason to remain within a brother/sister type situation at home.

Would you consider going to Relate on your own?.

A home is but bricks and mortar. Home to the children is one where they see more and hear more than you want to realise. It is supposed to be a sanctuary. It is not their sanctuary if both parents have in their own ways (and you have both done that) opted out of their marriage. You must both take equal responsibility here for the way the marriage now is.

You can both still parent these children apart, they will still have you both in their lives and that hopefully will not change.

I leave you with this further thought:-
What awaits you when the children leave home and its just you two?.
What are you going to do then, when you perhaps then realise that you should have left years ago?. Don't let yourself get to that stage.

The only thing that concerns me in the OP is the point about no respecting him. Otherwise it sounds like an awful lot of marriages.

There is much more to life than romance and intrigue.

I think yo uhave probably described 90% of longish marriages.

either you accept this as "normal* or get out and face being alone or with someone else who is even worse!

That all sounds fine to me.

There are some good reasons for ending a marriage. IMO, because it's gone a bit dull is not one of them.

Yes, I didn't read the lack of respect bit properly. That isn't so good.

OP, did you ever respect him? And if so, when did he lose your respect? You mentioned him 'letting you down' - in what way?

If you think that many long term marriages are actually like this then I feel very sad because a good long term marriage is truly worth having. Okay so there is not the high falluting romance all the time but there is mutual respect, a deeper love and an overall understanding of each other. A healthy marriage is also not one with great highs and deep lows or ongoing drama in it all the time.

Bran's marriage is to my mind is not just dull but a deeply unhappy one; one which they have both opted out of in different ways. Its sad for both them and their children. Its no life for any of them; there are no winners here and staying together for the sake of the children teaches them a lie. What happens when the children leave home and its just the two of them?.

I too think a lot of people live like this. I think what makes a marriage last is being able to both acknowledge exactly what it is like.

My h has let me down too - but rather than having no respect for him as a person he knows i will never respect certain things he has done and he too agrees with this.
We can have a 'laugh' about the dull times too.
Marriages do take work - but if you are both going in the same direction a bit of dull everyday ups and downs are ok.

I think the best you can do is talk to your h about how you can restore the respect - if thats what you want - he surely cant be happy if he knows you dont respect him.