Do you stay in a dull marriage for good reasons?

[branflakesareboring]

People seem to think that getting out of a dull marriage is important and that people must find their happiness at all costs. Does this always need to be the way though?

I stay for security and companionship. We have virtually no sex and I don't have that much respect for him. We just go from day to day doing what we have to to get by. Neither of us is bothered about high romance or intrigue. We have two children who are happy and settled.

I could not be bothered to find someone else now. I am in my early 40s and heading for middle age seeing the bills are paid and we have enough to eat is okay for me. I'm neither happy nor unhappy.

Is the endless search for romance and happiness worth it? Do the dcs mind being dragged from new romance to new romance or is it just old fashioned to 'stay for the sake of the kids'?

Is anybody else in this situation and how do you cope? I'm beginning to think that I must be in a tiny minority the way things are these days.

Attila you've taken a bit out of my post and a bit out of the OP's and mixed us up, but I think we knew what you were saying so no worries!

Whilst I'm here, I wanted to add - we both have long term health problems that makes day to day stuff difficult. My children have also heard about kids in their classes whose parents split up and they have said several times oh no that would never happen to my mum and dad, that would be awful etc. And when there is just the two of us I should imagine we will cope as we always have. I would never want anyone else so why put us all through that? What I'm thinking about is Relate to help come to terms with what we have "chosen" if you like. What do you think of that Bran? Or do you think that might open a can of worms - I'm just pondering in general BTW not directing this at you, I'd like to know what you think though.

"I don't have that much respect for him"

This is the key sentence that says this is not just s "dull" marriage to me. Many many marriages don't have masses of sex in them or are sometimes (even often) dull. A marriage between two "friends" can sometimes lack excitement but if you have lost respect for each other then you are not friends.

I kind of suspect you are in denial. Neither unhappy or happy does not mean you are contented.

Of course marriage can be mundane. I would have been happy to stay in my marriage if my DH had just shown me a little affection. But there was no affection, no sex, no cuddles, nothing. Even sex once a month would have been fine (although I am more of a 3 times a week person).

And when I brought up that I wanted just a bit more, he couldn't be arsed to make a few little changes to repair what could have been an okay marriage.

Now I'm getting out and excited about the start of my new life. I'm in my 40s too. I'd rather have a happy life alone with my kids than one where I am pretending I am not hurt every day by his lack of interest in me.

Another one who does not think that a marriage has to be 'exciting' or 'romantic' to be worth staying in. But I do think that deep contentment, stability and companionship are a long way from a lack of intimacy and respect.

I think the risk in a marriage which is dull AND in which there is little intimacy or respect, is that if something (someone) comes along who appears to offer more excitement, then it might look like a rather tempting proposition.

So it is great to stay in a marriage that is not exciting, but I'd agree with others who suggest working on your relationship to address the lack of respect.

I'm leaning towards agreeing with venus - sounds like a plan.

I find the statement "you are living a lie and not teaching your children anything about relationship" quite ridiculous (and perhaps naive). If you are not genuinely unhappy, then you are teaching your children to live with what you have in real world. If you get divorced, it is not easy to find a perfect match (if not impossible at all), and you would be teaching your children to go through numerous relationships to find an ideal one, which they will never find.

I imagine that by some standards, my marriage would be considered dull - we are not out every night of the week, or indeed, any night of the week, we too go from day to day doing what we have to do to get by. The difference is that DH and I love each other very much and have a great deal of respect for each other. We have fun together, even if that is just by watching a dvd, or listening to music together. We know that the reason we don't do a lot of the 'exciting' things is purely down to finances, but we both know that once DC1 has completed university and DC2 has left school and is working, there won't be the pressures on our finances that there are right now. That will be the time when we will be able to enjoy going out, having holidays etc. My life may be a little bit on the dull side at the moment, but my marriage is most certainly not!

The thing is, you can get through the 'dull' times, but you cannot suddenly find respect for someone. What happens when the children are adult and have left home? How will you cope with your lack of respect for your DH then? If that truly is how you feel, I would seriously consider whether your relationship has run its course.

There is a vast difference between having a "dull" (by who's standards? )
marriage and having no respect for your partner, no intimacy and what sounds like a fairly miserable existence.
Life is generally dull when you are raising children, it's all about putting them and their needs first and just getting on with things, but there comes a time when your children are grown up and gone, what are you going to do when it's just the two of you?
If that is a horrifying thought then the marriage isn't worth saving, planning for your future together should be one of life's joys, I don't understand how anyone can continue in a relationship with a person they don't
respect, it's absolutely fundamental, the single most important part
of a good and healthy relationship.
Without respect, none of the other aspects , either singly or together, are worth a damn thing.

The lack of respect is the issue that made me also think this marriage that branflake the OP wrote of is in big trouble. No-one should stay within a relationship where one person does not have much, if any respect, for the other as the OP has previously stated. What does that do to a person's self respect or worth?.

Am very sorry burning bridges for any mix up.

To "confused person" I would just write I am reminded of the old French proverb - better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

I hope branflake does come back and post again; she needs to see other peoples' opinions as I would imagine this is very difficult, if not impossible, to talk about in her own real life circle of friends.

Thank you all for your posts. I'm at work currently but have been sitting here reading them whilst on my break. I'll read them all properly tomorrow morning when I'm off.

tbh I can't muster enough enthusiasm to get out of it. I definitely don't want to meet anyone else as I couldn't cope with the whole emotional rollercoaster. I'm pretty disappointed with the relationships I have had and I'm not prepared to "keep searching" until I meet the 'right one' as I don't believe they exist.

My dh has let me down by being selfish and letting me take all the strain of the household and the dcs. I also work whilst he does not. It is like having a third child to care for which is why the sex has fizzled out. I do not wish to have sex with a brother or child figure which is how I basically view him now.

I have enough respect to him to be polite and communicative and not fight or bicker all the time. I've spent a huge proportion of my life living in difficult situations and just having to bite my tongue and get on with it so perhaps this is just another one of those situations. I do tolerate boredom and the mundane quite well I suppose.

I very much appreciate people reading my posts and having others viewpoints.

when you say he doesn't work, do you mean he doesn't earn? and you go out to work and doo all the household stuff too?

So many people feel like that and I can't answer whether you stay or go. Yes people definitely have unrealistic expectations about marriage nowadays, perhaps people aren't prepared to 'work at it' or accept a 'rough patch'.

Either way I was in that situation and prepared to 'stay together for the kids' but he wasn't. It all came out one day and within a week we had agreed to separate.

I see now it was the absolutely right thing to do in our situation because we had never been right for each other from the start. But I can only say that 18 months later having met a wonderful new man who completely gets me and who I have so much more in common with.

I don't know.....was there something there at the start that you could get back or not???

Just my thoughts anyway....

I think the majority of marriages are a bit dull after a number of years together. I once had a relationship with a girl who was not dull in any way. She was extremely passionate but with that came unpredictability and volatility. I didn't have a clue what was coming next. Needless to say it didnt last.

I think showing no affection at all could be damaging to the children. My parents showed no affection to each other and all I remember is arguments and silences. This has definately rubbed off on me in relationships as I go through periods where I am distant.

Not having sex is not something a child would notice but never cuddling/holdings hands/kissing etc will be noticed by a child and could influence their future relationships.

Leave and there is always the risk that the next one may be the same or worse!

Branflakes: so what is he contributing to the household and the happiness of the family? If he doesn;'t bring in any income and doesn't do any housework and you don't want him for sex... why do you want him there at all?

He looks after the dcs whilst I'm at work and does the garden and things with the computers.

OP, have you and your husband ever sat down and talked about the situation? About why he doesn't work? If the children are at school, part-time at least should be possible. Could it be that his not working has affected his self-esteem and made him into this passive third child? When did he last look for work? What kind of work did he do when he last worked?

You say he is selfish and letting you take all the strain of the DC, but also that he looks after the DCs whilst you are at work. Does this mean he looks after them just by being present? Who does the housework, the cooking, the laundry, the shopping?

I do most of the housework, laundry, shopping etc. He supervises them and gives them a meal. I sort out their clothes etc. before leaving for work. He doesn't have much to do I just ask him to keep the house tidy so that I'm not returning to a complete tip.

He doesn't work because he doesn't need to. He is a landlord and the rental income provides him with enough money to live. We have separate bank accounts. He doesn't give me any money and I pay for half of all the bills. He was stressed when he did work and didn't enjoy his job.

so its more that you are not viewing him as a 'man' well not the sort you really want.
Have you ever voiced this to him?
I think sometimes it is easier to just take on all the household tasks because it is easier - and it becomes a habit to treat him like another child. And he too fits into his role as the extra child.
I can totally see where you are coming from there.
Somehow you need to see your h through new eyes.
Imagine how you would feel if another woman found him attractive and maybe wanted him - do you think you would see him in a different light then?

Maybe if you could talk to him and really listened (and understood) what you were saying he could do some things.

For some woman it maybe flowers or chocolates - or doing some of the chores without being asked.
Can you think of anyways that you could tell him what you need.

I think this is more a lack of communication from both of you.

You do sound very detached from each other. I know you say you're not bothered by romance or intrigue (neither am I), but what you describe goes way beyond a dull marriage and into being more of a non-marriage. He's your lodger (there but not part of the family) and you are his housekeeper.

Have the two of you ever talked about this situation?

I find it very hard to talk to him because he has a tantrum and goes in a massive strop It then makes life extremely uncomfortable for everyone in the house. I feel that he has me over a barrel which I do resent.

I do know that I have to begin talking about it though, perhaps with a counsellor.

Counselling sounds good. Because I'm just not buying your "I'm neither happy nor unhappy." You sound to me as if you are so unhappy you have become numb in an attempt to get through your day. Life should not be like that, not in your early 40's; not at any age.

Strawberryjelly:

"I think yo uhave probably described 90% of longish marriages.

either you accept this as "normal* or get out and face being alone or with someone else who is even worse!"

this is one of the most succinct and truthful posts on relationships I have ever read on MN

But having read things bran has subsequently said, it seems a whole lot worse than just mundane