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Original poster

AIBU WITH DH AND INLAWS

41 replies

Madandbad · 06/06/2011 01:52

dh wants to take kids abroad to see inlaws without me.

Now this on it's own doesn't really bother me but what does is the following... Some background history required!

My MIL has never liked me and virtually told DH not to marry me.

Although I got on really well with FIL, this was soon put to an end when she communicated to DH, that if I wished to continue to communicate with FIL, that I should do so through her Hmm.

DH has 3 sisters, all of whom smoke (before, during and after pregnancy), drink to stupidity, and swear all soughts of vulgarity in front of kids (note, having kids themselves has made no difference).

When I met DH, he was a smoker and I refused to date him as a smoker. He gave up smoking and has never looked back.

I never really got to know the family before marriage as they all live in another country. However, being naive as I was, I kinda never cared what they were like as I loved him and lived in another country.

Since having kids IL issues have plagued our married. DH is very much a mummy's boy and puts her and his family there before me and his family here.

They have placed pressure on him bringing the kids over without me which I find divisive. Kids are 1, 3 and 6, and very much attached to me.

DH finds it difficult to say no to his family and I fear he will place our kids in situations that are inappropriate, which has happened in the past, however I was present to put a stop to things which clearly annoyed the IL as they see nothing wrong having their kids in a pub after 10pm whilst they drink.

Would you let you partner travel to another country alone with kids to ILs knowing all this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Madandbad · 06/06/2011 01:59

Please know that there is much much more!!! References to our kids skin colour which seriously bothers me and smacks ignorance. Referring to them as 'coloured' etc I am Asian and DH is White.

HELP... really need to hear from someone...

OP posts:
frakyouveryverymuch · 06/06/2011 02:14

Why can't you go with them? How far away is it and how long for?

I don't think I would he too happy even if they were the nicest people on earth at that age if the DC are very attached to you.

Original poster
Madandbad · 06/06/2011 02:34

DH is going and wants to take kids on trip, (kids going prompted by IL). I have not been invited so my options are to let kids go or refuse to allow kids to go.
To be Frank, I wouldn't want to go now based on the way they have all gone about things. It isnt the first time an IL of his has suggested to DH to go without me, and it has annoyed me that he hasn't just put them in their place. When I have tried, he has asked that I apologise for 'upsetting them'!

Of cause I did not, but this all has placed a great strain on the relationship.

Even though I have known from the start that MIL hasn't liked me I have made every effort to be polite and when they visit, especially since kids, leave them all alone to enjoy the kids, but stayed close in case the kids needed me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madandbad · 06/06/2011 02:37

Just no sure what the solution is her as I don't trust the ILs with my kids.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
Madandbad · 06/06/2011 02:40

Oh and it's for the weekend somewhere in Europe.

OP posts:
ifitsnotanarse · 06/06/2011 02:49

I wouldn't be happy with the situation if my IL behaved like that. YANBU. That said, it's a rubbish situation that you find yourself in and hard to know what advice/comfort to give you Confused. Can't believe they called your DCs 'coloured' Angry.

Sorry I'm not much help Mad

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/06/2011 02:51

There is no way in hell I would let my one year old go overseas for a weekend without me to stay with people I don't trust. No way in hell.

So that's my suggestion. Say no.

Original poster
Madandbad · 06/06/2011 02:57

So tortoise, are you saying that you might consider letting the 3 or 6 year old go? Just a question to see if i'm being unreasonable to not let the older kids go...

OP posts:
MollyMurphy · 06/06/2011 02:58

YANBU - I arrange to go. If your not welcome then nobody should go - your are your DH's wife and the children's mother.

MollyMurphy · 06/06/2011 02:59

blah - thats I would arrange to go.

ComradeJing · 06/06/2011 03:37

I agree, if you're not invited (SO childish btw) then really no one should go. You're a family, first and foremost.

You're options are:

  • refuse to let the kids go.
  • tell DH you're coming or the kids aren't going.

I would never let my kids (at this age) go somewhere I wasn't welcome.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/06/2011 03:42

Hmm, not sure. I guess I just think that a one year old is too young to be away from its mum in another country irrespective of the background issues, and a three year old is pushing it. A 6 year old can at least speak up if they feel uncomfortable or no-one's remembered to give it proper food or skipped its bedtime.

In your scenario, I think I wouldn't let any of them go except maybe the 6 year old if s/he really wants to.

PenguinArmy · 06/06/2011 03:47

DH thinks the majority of what you mentioned is unforgivable, that your DH should support you and if needs be sever ties. I tend to agree with him, I wouldn't send my (or any) kids to stay with someone who doesn't respect their mother and isn't afraid to say it, without all the other stuff. If you feel your husband will not get them out of situations (smoky bars late at night) for the sake of not upsetting his family I wouldn't let him go with the kids.

What a :( situation for you

thumbwitch · 06/06/2011 03:48

If your DH wants to go visit his family by himself, let him. If he wants to take the 6yo, maybe yes. If he wants to take the other 2 as well by himself, No, forget it.

If they can't or won't put you up at theirs, I would insist on staying in a hotel and going with them - that way your DC are with you in the evenings and mornings and they can see his family for a few hours in the day.

But since they all sound bloody awful, I don't think I'd want them anywhere near my DC without me being there as well, regardless of what they might think. If you know they call them "coloured" (how bloody rude!) then who knows what might be said to them - at least if you're there to hear it you can make a decision on whether or not your DC ever need to hear such shite again.

Your DH seriously needs to sort his priorities out - he chose to marry you, he chose to have DC with you - he needs to stand up for you all and not be such a lily-livered sap.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 06/06/2011 04:27

I wouldn't let the go unless you went with them. Stay in a B&B/hotel or similar so that you and kids have your own space. Hire a car and ensure that YOU are the named driver so you can take the kids back to your accommodation as well.

If your H won't allow you to go, tell him to go alone and don't allow him to take the kids.

1 & 3 yo are too young to be away from you, and 6yo will pick up all sorts of nasty vibes if they persist in slagging you off or coming out with further rascist remarks Angry

Your H needs to grow a fucking pair and stand up to his mother, how dare she treat you like this and referred to your kids as 'coloured'!

allhailtheaubergine · 06/06/2011 04:43

Big fat NO to their plans.

And a kick in the slats to your husband for not standing up for you.

You + your husband + your children are a family now. Your ILs do not get to have your dh and their grandchildren but leave you out. How horrid of them.

Many years ago my ILs invited my dp (now dh) for Christmas without me. He was appalled and amazed and said that we were a couple and they could have both of us or neither of us.

Primafacie · 06/06/2011 04:49

What's the sisters' smoking got to do with it? You seem to be confusing several different issues, with the bottom line being that you don't want your kids to see their grandparents because you don't get along with MIL. YABU. Hats off to your DH for being willing to fly/travel with three kids. It will do them good to get "attached" to their father. Let them forget about bedtimes/routine for a weekend, it won't cause lasting harm. As for the comment about your kids being "coloured", i agree this is really not on, and racist, but this would not be enough to make me want to prevent DH visiting his family.

WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2011 06:11

Racism would totally be enough to stop my dcs visiting such family members! Totally.

Also you are a family unit and it is extremely important that in the face of your in laws you present yourselves in that strong united way.

Not to invite the children's mother is a way of trying to divide you. You all go or none of you and stay in separate accommodation.

troisgarcons · 06/06/2011 06:12

Sorry Love, but you are married, he has equal parenting rights over his children too.

I really dont know what it is with some of the women on these boards who think children are their sole property! NAd to boot, why on earth do these women marry and have children with someone they deem incapable of childcare?

ItsGrimUpNorth · 06/06/2011 07:23

Troisgarcons, you're talking tripe. It's not a simple case of the op's dh doing the childcare, is it?

She is married, yes, which means she and her dh should stand united in the face of what appears to be an attempt to divide their family.

The op has said her dh finds it hard to say no to his family so how is he going to say no to some of the things they want that she and her dh might consider inappropriate? e.g. in a pub after 10pm?

There is no way the dcs should go without their mother if she fears they won't be treated properly and their dh won't stand up for them.

I really don't know what it is with some of the women on these boards who seem totally incapable of evaluating a situation properly and spout utter tosh on a regular basis.

ZhenXiang · 06/06/2011 07:35

Your DH needs to get some balls and tell IL's that if you are not invited then the family as a whole will not be coming. I am white yet in a mixed race relationship and I would never take my mixed-race child around family members that had spouted racist comments, it shows a complete lack of respect for you and your DC's that your DH does not stand up and challenge this behaviour/language.

With regard to your DH taking your kids away for a weekend if he is competent and was able to assert himself re: inappropriate settings/language around your children then I don't think 3 days should be a problem (although he may regret it as if they are so attached to you nights will be hard).

The issue here is more the IL's behaviour which needs to be addressed and your DH's inability to stand up for his family.

Original poster
Madandbad · 06/06/2011 08:29

prima am not confusing the issue, just trying to give a bigger picture of the situation outside MIL.
Fact is, if SILs were not as they were, e.g. Smokers that drive with their kids in the car, windows rolled up, I might have an IL that I could entrust the kids to who would properly care for them and maybe gently nug DH to take kids home and not have them stuck constantly in smokey rooms whilst DH socialises with family.

These are all concerns. DH knows all this is wrong, but constantly seeks the approval of mother and sisters, who goat him when they consider he is acting culturally different to them.

He feels as if he has lost contact with them and basically allows them anything.

If his actions only affected him I would not be bother, but this need for acceptance now places my children in danger. He even wanted to put the 6 yr old boy on a quad when he was 3 because his sister told him his child was a bit of a girl and that her child (girl) 7 at the time were on quads that go about 30mph.

Ridiculous... And if I wasn't there am sure this would have happened. I fear my children not returning safely Sad

Wish DH would grow a pair, but beginning to think he too would rather I didn't tag along as he would then be able to please ILs without me knowing or seeing.... Oh what to do...!

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 06/06/2011 08:43

The dcs cannot go surely? You're answering your own questions on this. Give your dh and in laws the reasons why and that is that. Suggest they visit you.

You'll have to be the one with the balls here, I'm afraid.

If you feel they won't be safe then they can't go.

A three year old on a quad bike? Mental. What did your mil say about this?

thumbwitch · 06/06/2011 08:45

MadandBad - in the end, the safety of your DC is paramount. It overrides any of these pathetic "wishes" of your DH and his family; if they can't be trusted to keep the DC safe, then you either go with, or they stay with you.

Consider the options - if your DH were to go alone with them, and something serious happened to one or more of them, not only would you never forgive him but it's unlikely he would never forgive himself either.

Until he learns a better sense of responsibility to his children instead of his mother and sisters, then he needs to have someone else there to ensure their safety. And that someone appears to be you - so stand your ground.

My DH is a bit backward when it comes to care-taking for DS as well - thinks his ma is obviously capable of looking after DS as well as we are because she brought up 2 DSs herself - yes, but that was many years ago and it's easy to forget that little ones aren't as self-sufficient as bigger children. As has been demonstrated by DS's several accidents while with DH and his mum - culminating in DS and MIL nearly drowning in the lake because she lost her footing while holding him and couldn't regain it. Thankfully DH noticed and saved them both and thank FUCK it's made him realise what I've been saying all along - so now he's more careful - but it took a near-tragedy to bring him to that realisation.

fuzzpigFriday · 06/06/2011 08:56

Your DH is being a weak idiot.

How sensible is your 6yo? Maybe your DH could take your eldest and leave the two little ones with you?