AIBU WITH DH AND INLAWS

[Madandbad]

dh wants to take kids abroad to see inlaws without me.

Now this on it's own doesn't really bother me but what does is the following... Some background history required!

My MIL has never liked me and virtually told DH not to marry me.

Although I got on really well with FIL, this was soon put to an end when she communicated to DH, that if I wished to continue to communicate with FIL, that I should do so through her .

DH has 3 sisters, all of whom smoke (before, during and after pregnancy), drink to stupidity, and swear all soughts of vulgarity in front of kids (note, having kids themselves has made no difference).

When I met DH, he was a smoker and I refused to date him as a smoker. He gave up smoking and has never looked back.

I never really got to know the family before marriage as they all live in another country. However, being naive as I was, I kinda never cared what they were like as I loved him and lived in another country.

Since having kids IL issues have plagued our married. DH is very much a mummy's boy and puts her and his family there before me and his family here.

They have placed pressure on him bringing the kids over without me which I find divisive. Kids are 1, 3 and 6, and very much attached to me.

DH finds it difficult to say no to his family and I fear he will place our kids in situations that are inappropriate, which has happened in the past, however I was present to put a stop to things which clearly annoyed the IL as they see nothing wrong having their kids in a pub after 10pm whilst they drink.

Would you let you partner travel to another country alone with kids to ILs knowing all this!

Your DH should be sticking up for you and understanding where you come from. I can't believe they would exclude you from a family invitation.

I did let my 2 year old go to stay with family (in another hemisphere) but I was invited and DH is a great, competent father, lovely family etc. And there was only one child so manageable for him. I just didn't go out of circumstance here. I would have been furious if I had been excluded though.

Either you go with the kids or DH goes alone. It's a family holiday or not. Honestly, he needs to start putting his immediate family (you and DCs) first otherwise he might lose you. Your requests don't sound unreasonable. Perhaps your DH should go to counselling to get his priorities straight.

If we want to try the gender reversal exercise here, what would you say to an OP whose parents had invited her (with or without DCs) to visit but refused to extend the invitation to her DH? I believe - I certainly hope - we'd say tell your parents to get used to the fact that you have chosen to marry this man, he is the father of their precious grandchildren, and they can invite you as a family or gtfo.

Unless they have very valid reasons for not liking him, of course...

I have already suggested counselling, but as he see's me being the problem....not getting very far

If your H continues to allow himself to be bullied by his family he will end up losing his own family unit as a result of his spinelessness. He needs to be firmly told that it is either you or them now.

These children either go to their country with you on this holiday or not at all.

Unfortunately a lifetime of such conditioning at their hands can make it extremely difficult for these men to stand up to their domineering and bullying mother who has deliberately acted to keep him on a dependent lead.
I think that regardless of whom he married, his dysfunctional family unit would have acted exactly the same.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

If your H's primary loyalty is still to his domineering bullying mother and her three sister stooges then there are difficult decisions to be made. It is not hopeful at all that he still thinks the problem lies with you.

Why does he exactly think that you are the problem here; what's his reasoning behind those thoughts?.

BTW its not you, its him and by turn his dysfunctional family from whence he came. Both his toxic parents have caused their now adult children an awful lot of emotional harm.

Well, it seems as if MIL rules the roost-so you need to rule the roost in your family imo.

If he wants to see his family, let him, but without the children.

His relatives don´t deserve to see them tbh.

I am frankly shocked that any man would consider going anywhere to which he and his children were invited but his wife was not welcome. It just beggars belief. If he is so lacking in balls, he can go and visit his family alone, the children should not be subjected to this visit. Your six-year-old at least would pick up on the racism, could cause the child(ren) all sorts of problems. He is a poor excuse for a father and husband.

The practicalities and ages of the children are (in this case) irrelevant.

I would not want my DH or my kids going to stay with people who were rude enough to think it was appropriate to invite them without me. We are a family. End of story.

I just asked DH what he would say if PILS invited him and kids minus me to ANY event.

"I'd tell them to sod off" was his reply.

YANBU.

You are not invited?????? Your H should be pointing out to his family that you are his WIFE and the mother of his children and that you come as a package. You are a family. And your children are too young to travel without you. Esp the younger two.

Well i have told DH its not gonna happen and the silent treatment has started
Thanks also [attila] I have today ordered that book and look forward to passing my nights reading as there hasn't been a single would passed either way since I put my foot Down and said simply no.
Am sure this isn't the end of t all but at least now I know am not being unreasonable!

You don't need anyone else to tell you you're unreasonable.

Your dh's response is pathetic. Probably learned from his family.

No chance - you're a family, you're a package. They accept that, and you, or they don't get to see your kids. Cheeky, bossy, self-important, nasty, divisive ... wow, your kids will REALLY benefit from a relationship with them...NOT!

Tell your sulking husband that, in fact, it's HIM they're insulting. Treating him like a little kid, refusing to respect the fact that he is married- wanting him back on his own so they can pretend that he's still their little boy that they can boss around and disrespect, by refusing to invite his whole family.

Tell him too that he can get used to the idea, right now, that unless THEY change their horrible attitude quick-smart, they won't be seeing you and your children - at all. What you've described sounds HELLISH for three small children - lots of what sound like pushy, quite aggressive people that they don't know being in charge of them, with their dad clearly unwilling to step in if they're taken places they don't like/kept up late etc. And their mum not there either. No way. Pretty stressful for them.

Finally, tell him that he'd be far better off putting his energies into thinking how to make this situation genuinely better for all of you, rather than into giving you the silent treatment like some sulky teenager. Because right now he sounds as if he's more on the side of people who want to divide you as a family. If that's the case, then he really wants to think about where his long term loyalties lie. He can't see it right now, but this is as much a problem for him as for you. His extended family are showing him and HIS family a massive, massive lack of respect. Maybe he needs to think about just how belly-on-the-ground he is when he's with them, and change his attitude to them for his own good as well as that of you and the kids.

You're DH is bang out of order if he goes without you - full stop!!!

Well done Mad
Now just weather the storm with the silence! I had an ongoing and bitter argument about Swarte Piet (a racist christmas figure from Holland) with my husband and ILs for about 10 months so I understand how you feel to a certain extent.

Funnily enough once my DH came to his senses about Swarte Piet I have never got so huffy about it since. Think its because I know he understands me and doesn't just follow his parents and I'm not looking towards a future of DS delighting in this offensive stuff. I'm no longer primed to attack! We don't 'do' Piet at home and so if FIL brings it up at their house I just roll my eyes while DH asks him to leave it.

I think that your issues are a bit deeper but I hope your husband comes round.

Oh, ILs are from Holland... I'm not just randomly picking fights about christmas characters. Just wanted to clear that up.