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Original poster

Should we just give up and end it?

45 replies

chubsasaurus · 05/06/2011 18:46

Long story short, been with DP 2 years, lived together for one. All perfect, wonderful, thought I'd marry him etc, never bicker/argue, he's gorgeous, best friend, similar research interests (he's an academic, I'm doing a PhD), essentially just brilliant.

Last October I went to a political conference and DP was under the impression I slept with someone else. I didn't, but it took a good month to convince him of this. Obviously this caused a lot of problems and it really shook me, I never thought we'd have problems at all after a year of perfection and that, coupled with a job I hated, sent me on a bit of a downwards spiral that made me fairly insane possessive and hard to be with. This came to a head when DP basically cracked and said he needed space just before Christmas. It was the kick I needed to leave my job, man up and be normal again but in the few weeks apart I sort of hardened up and put up a few walls which was good for my mental health but I don't know if they've ever really come back down. Fast forward 8 months of a good relationship and now we're in trouble again because I went to go out most nights and he doesnt. I work in politics and all my friends do similar things (politics, media, public affairs etc) and a) DP isnt interested and b) I guess I havent really invited him out too. There's nearly 10 years between us and this has never ever been a problem but now ti seems like we're just at different stages of our lives and he's sick of me being out every night. I love him very, very much and don't know whether to compromise or if I'm just a bit too young/enjoying it all too much to be doing that. I really do not want to regret losing my favourite person for the rest of my life but at the same time it just seems that right now our lives are not compatible, and I hate to see him unhappy.

OP posts:
Hassled · 05/06/2011 18:51

How young are you? A good, lasting relationship comes from a lot of compromises along the way - but you have to want to make those compromises. You have to be able to see it from the point of view that yes, he has annoying habit X but I then have annoying habit Y, he doesn't enjoy A but then I don't enjoy B - and the end result is absolutely worth it. If you're not at that point, you probably can't make yourself be.

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 05/06/2011 18:54
  1. I just don't know. Please don't make out this is a silly kids relationship because I'm pretty young. I do love him very, very much and he's just brilliant but at my age should I really be compromisng about going out? Weirdly our age gap has never been a problem at all in 2 years
OP posts:
QuintessentialOldMoo · 05/06/2011 18:58

Well, if you want to go out, rather than be with him, I suppose you are just "not that in to him". Well done at doing a phd at 23, though!

23 is not really young. When I was 21 I was living with my partner, and preferred to be with him than go out and party. Besides, I was pretty busy with Uni.

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 05/06/2011 19:26

I always did prefer being with him but recently I'm just really into going out, getting very drunk and being in big groups. He isn't really into that. I don't want to throw away an incredible relationship because of a few good parties but I also don't feel I should have to compromise this much at this stage of life. It seems so trivial but it's really causing a great chasm between us. Thanks about PhD, I just won funding and am incredibly excited.

OP posts:
buzzsore · 05/06/2011 19:42

One thing you can do is start asking him to come with you more.

I think you should be pursuing your interests and not compromising that much tbh. Now's your time to be having fun, getting your academic credentials and presumably setting yourself up for a career (which if political probably needs the social networking you're doing). You don't get these years back

I think that in two years the age-gap hasn't been a problem, but now the honeymoon period is over, it is actually proving to be a bit.

You may be able to ride it out as a couple, but if you compromise too much, you may well resent him in the future.

FabbyChic · 05/06/2011 19:58

You are still growing up, and I myself hadn't grown emotionally until I reached 30. You are finding now you want different things, you are still young and want to go out, he is at the age where he wants to settle down.

How can a relationship work when you both want different things?

Maybe it is time to part company.

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 05/06/2011 20:00

You're right buzz. You are all entirely right, I just do not want to lose someone who's so bloody brilliant and regret it for the rest of my life. I think he is that special, yet I do quite like going out a lot...

OP posts:
TDada · 05/06/2011 20:10

Ask him out more but then if he says no, ket him know that is okay as well. .....Sometimes you have to lose a good 'un to realise what a good 'un looks like?

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 05/06/2011 20:24

It's all just so sad :(

OP posts:
Pedallleur · 05/06/2011 20:34

Aademic in what field Sounds like you get invited to PR launches/buffets etc. Invite him along and if he enjoys getting dressed up even better (a bit of Armani is always good). If he doesn't enjoy all that then you have to decide what you want. But he might enjoy talking to people in a different sphere. Off thread but someone I know whose daughter is well known in show-biz was invited to a West-End launch party thing with her. At this party he met Des O Connor who he hated but spoke with him and actually thought he was a lovely man. My point being that your partner may meet people who he likes or finds his equal intellectually (sounds like you certainly are but you are just younger with all that entails)

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 05/06/2011 21:34

He just doesn't really like the political crowd and after our problems earlier in the year there's a bit of weirdness between my friends and him. Just had a truly horrible mutual crying session, I feel so sad and empty and confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
chubsasaurus · 05/06/2011 21:35

And political philosophy, although my PhD is technically Intellectual History

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BertieBotts · 05/06/2011 21:51

Maybe you have just reached different stages of your life, and do want to go in different directions at the moment.

I think if you're having to compromise yourself to fit in with what he wants, then maybe the relationship isn't as perfect as you were thinking. Do you believe in "the one"? (I don't. I think there are multiple people out there who could be a good match for any one of us, and the mistake people make is settling for someone who is less than this.) You seem very hung up on the idea of throwing this relationship away, like it's a fragile thing. Could you take a step back for a while, allowing you more freedom, but still keeping the relationship there. Or take a break, perhaps? If you did split up, do you think you would be able to be friends (eventually)?

If you do end up splitting, don't regret it. See this as a benchmark - anyone you date in the future would have to be pretty damn special to come close, right?

I'm sorry you are feeling upset by this. I realise it's easy for me to sit here and type out a post when I'm completely emotionally detached from the situation etc. Un-MN hugs :)

atswimtwolengths · 05/06/2011 22:10

You are still awfully young!

It's lovely you've met someone you like so much but the reality is that the timing isn't right. He has already accused you of cheating on him and now if you're out a lot another accusation will be on its way.

I think if you've been living with someone since 20, you went into it too young. You should be living alone or with friends and finding out what you enjoy doing. For god's sake, you shouldn't be apologising for going out when you're only 23!

Ten years is a hell of an age difference at your age - just as you could look at your 13 year old self and acknowledge how much you've changed, so he could look at you and think the same.

If I were you I'd go back to living separately - whether the relationship would last if you did that is another thing. I don't think it's fair on him to want you to live a more middle aged lifestyle.

buzzsore · 05/06/2011 23:57

I do agree that it's worrisome about the accusation of cheating as well - he should trust you. You should be dating, not settling.

midwife99 · 06/06/2011 05:19

Could you compromise by not going out & getting hammered so much? If my partner did that I'd feel v lonely & worried! If he really is the one for you don't you want to spend more time with him than with your mates? If not I reckon you have the answer!

BertieBotts · 06/06/2011 12:48

But it's not unreasonable behaviour to want to go out a lot at 23, midwife. If she is compromising, he should be compromising something too. If they can't reach a middle ground where both are happy, then maybe they just aren't that well suited at the moment. It's sad though :(

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 06/06/2011 13:03

Oh FFS you have outgrown this man, who by the sound of it wants an obedient, compliant partner he can control. Wish him well and walk away. 23 is far too young to be commiting to one man anyway, particularly one who is antisocial and paranoid by the sound of it.

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 06/06/2011 13:11

Until fairly recently I always preferred to be with him than out with friends, it's only since I've started this job becuase it's just so sociable - there are events every night, so many of my friends work in the same sphere and it's been one huge party. It doesn't help that I share an office with my best friend and essentially he is my boss - I'm not expected in in the morning til around 10.30/11 so it's very easy to just go out straight from work with no concern for hangovers ((which I don?t get anyway). This is besides the point for the relationship but it?s all been a bit of a blur and suddenly we?re at this crossroads and I don?t know what to do. I don?t even know if it?s gone too far and now my friends have seen us break up I feel pretty silly if we then sort it out, yet again. This is all pretty trivial I know, I just wish I knew what I wanted and what would make us both happy. I don?t want to lose him and can?t imagine many things more painful than actually dividing our stuff, moving out and not seeing him every day. Yet I am 23? Argh. Thank you for advice so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
chubsasaurus · 06/06/2011 13:15

SGB Grin don't mince your words...

He is just so smart and gorgeous and supportive and I have never met anyone I get on with so well. So leaving seems a bit, well, ridiculous

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 06/06/2011 13:18

Compromising yourself is more ridiculous. But why not take a step back and see how things go? It might not be the end - and taking a step back might enable you to see things more clearly. Then you will know you made the right decision rather than worrying about regretting things.

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 06/06/2011 13:36

It?s pretty hard to take a step back when you live together. I just don?t feel prepared to make this sort of decision ? I didn?t see it coming, I don?t quite understand why it has. I don?t know whether I?ve been blinded by a lot of good nights out into thinking he isn?t that important or whether I have been similarly blinded into not realising what damage I?m doing to something so great.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 06/06/2011 14:36

You could go away for a weekend - either with him, away from your new friends, or on your own, just to give yourself some thinking space. I'm not saying move out, I know that's a big decision.

Although I'd be inclined to say if you can damage something that easily, maybe it's not so great after all?

happytourer · 06/06/2011 15:03

I can only speak as someone on the internet who doesn't really know you but this doesn't really sound good.

You're just about to start a PhD whereas he's a settled academic, you've got a group of friends with similar political interests, living a young london lifestyle, you met when he was your university lecturer and leaving an unhappy marriage (you've posted on this before). He seems to swing from being completely loved up to it falling apart. You're 23, go and enjoy your PhD and politics. It shouldn't be this hard at your age

Allinabinbag · 06/06/2011 15:11

I know this sounds awful, but the younger student/older lecturer thing is a cliche, and I agreee with SCGB that you have outgrown him and are getting too big for your boots in his eyes (and yes, he probably will move onto another young and relatively compliant student). Sorry to reduce your relationship down to a stereotype, and I do think the older academic, younger student thing can work well when everyone wants to settle down, but you don't, or you don't sound like you do, given you are love partying til the wee small hours most nights!