Should we just give up and end it?

[chubsasaurus]

Long story short, been with DP 2 years, lived together for one. All perfect, wonderful, thought I'd marry him etc, never bicker/argue, he's gorgeous, best friend, similar research interests (he's an academic, I'm doing a PhD), essentially just brilliant.

Last October I went to a political conference and DP was under the impression I slept with someone else. I didn't, but it took a good month to convince him of this. Obviously this caused a lot of problems and it really shook me, I never thought we'd have problems at all after a year of perfection and that, coupled with a job I hated, sent me on a bit of a downwards spiral that made me fairly insane possessive and hard to be with. This came to a head when DP basically cracked and said he needed space just before Christmas. It was the kick I needed to leave my job, man up and be normal again but in the few weeks apart I sort of hardened up and put up a few walls which was good for my mental health but I don't know if they've ever really come back down. Fast forward 8 months of a good relationship and now we're in trouble again because I went to go out most nights and he doesnt. I work in politics and all my friends do similar things (politics, media, public affairs etc) and a) DP isnt interested and b) I guess I havent really invited him out too. There's nearly 10 years between us and this has never ever been a problem but now ti seems like we're just at different stages of our lives and he's sick of me being out every night. I love him very, very much and don't know whether to compromise or if I'm just a bit too young/enjoying it all too much to be doing that. I really do not want to regret losing my favourite person for the rest of my life but at the same time it just seems that right now our lives are not compatible, and I hate to see him unhappy.

I agree, without knowing, it does sound like a bit of a cliche. I think "stages of life" is really important, rather than age. If you want to sit at home and read and discuss Mill and Spencer, that's great. If you want to start a family in the next few years it may work, but you don't seem to want that

ANd there's no reason why you should want that, at your age. 23 IS the age for rampaging around with your mates, staying up all night, drinking and partying and all the rest of it. Don't jack it in to feed this old fart's ego. Because around the time you start to want babies and nights in will be the time he decides you are too demanding/have lost your looks, and be off chasing another wide-eyed obedient teenager to 'fall in love with'.

I wasn't exactly a wide-eyed teenager... I was 21 he was 29... And as much as I appreciate what you're saying, it's certainly making me smile when I feel empty and hideous, I am still very confused. Having said that, he works away one night a week and incidentally he is out drinking now while I am at home, not drinking, doing phd work - and I told him if he wants to call me I will keep my phone around. Not a peep, and its 12. Interesting really...

Well, he'd got you where he wants you, hasn't he? No need to call you when you're at home.

I don't think it's necessarily that he wants to spend more time with you that he doesn't want you going out as much - it's because he doesn't trust you.

And when you're an old fart like me, 21 does seem very young . Sorry, I know how annoying that is and I know you know your own mind. But I'm a very different person at my age of #cough# than I was in my early twenties.

Agh, I could've picked a tense for that first sentence, couldn't I?

This is difficult. If I'm honest, I think I recognise you and your DP, and if he's who I think he is, he's a man who is attractive to women and he knows it

the age is a factor, in your 30s you do tend to go out less. 23 is quite young IMO. you say hes that special - are you sure you want to be with this man? you could be a different person in just 2 or 3 years. you definately will be by the time youre 30!! if you are certain then why not compromise and have set nights when you go out, when you are together and he has his night out too (when hes away working). if he cant agree on that then i cant see you being happy in the long run. life is very exciting when your young in your 20s anything is possible and thats how it should be!! you really could do anything you want ... are you ready to be tied down?? i suspect not because of your post ... best of luck relationships are even harder when not pulling in the same direction!

happytourer thats a bit of an odd comment ?

Sorry - I would say ditch him, not the nights out.

Yes you might regret losing him - but I would put money on you regretting not making the most of these years even more.

You're only in your early 20s once. It's a fab time. New job, PhD, new horizons popping up all over the place - God, grab them!!! Live every second of it!

The friends/contacts/experiences you make happen now are very likely to shape much of the rest of your life. Don't curtail yourself and your 'path' for one person. If he's the right one for you, it'll work out. But it's too much to compromise on. Also - he shouldn't be asking that. He's been there - he's had his years of fun - now he wants you to work to his plan. Hmm - not really on.

Oh and it's possible to have regrets and still just move on quite happily. I had a lovely boyfriend of 2 years when I went off to uni. We split, naturally!! He was a great person, I often feel sorry we never stayed friends. But... if we'd stayed together my life would have been totally different, and I wouldn't have my now DH :) so what will be will be

Incidentally, LOVE the Des O'Connor story. Could you try this one on him, OP? You're in politics, yes? Entice him out with tales of how he might meet Jeremy Paxman. Or Alex Salmond. And then really get on with them, and realise that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover

"I really do not want to regret losing my favourite person for the rest of my life but at the same time it just seems that right now our lives are not compatible"

Hi chub,

You did not sound 23 when you wrote the above; the part about you possibly regretting your favourite person for the rest of your life actually makes you sound like you are 15!. Your bar regarding relationships is set very low. I do not mean to be unkind but you have allowed yourself to get enmeshed with some bloke who likes his kept woman to remain and home and serve his every whim and fancy. He is both selfish and entitled and I would think he has a poor past relationship history as well. He does not like or want you to have a life of your own hence his past and current behaviours.

"and I hate to see him unhappy"
Hmm, that thought process on your part is also dodgy. Bluntly put he is not showing the same degree of consideration at all towards you has he?. Also you are not responsible for his overall happiness; happiness after all comes from within. Why do you think you're responsible for him?.

I think you will come to eventually realise that your partner is actually not your favourite person after all, not even close.

At 23 you should be still able to go out, work hard and play hard and see whoever you choose; I think you have allowed yourself to be tied down by a man who is not at all on your wavelength. You have become your own person and he does not like it one bit.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

What do your friends this of this man of yours?. Their opinion could well be instructive.

Love should not be such hard work honestly. You will regret it a lot if you remain with this man longer term; he will make you old before your time.

I spent 14 years of my life with someone who didn't want to socialise and was jealous and insecure about me doing it. Eventually I stopped going out to avoid the rows. He's my ex now because i just couldn't pretend anymore. I am a social person, I need to go out with my mates and have fun. It was a totally incompatible lifestyle.
It's taken me quite some time to get 'me' back......don't put yourself in this position.
I was 17 when i met him, I spent my 20's missing out on the drunken all nighters with my mates. I have a child now (with my ex) and so i'm building a whole new social life around my responsibilities.

This is not just about you wanting to go out and get drunk and ride home on the back of the milk float - it's about your future career and connections.

If every evening out is going to provoke a pet lip from him then he's not worth it.

It is hard to walk away from someone when you have invested love and emotion in them, but honestly I think if he won't let you be you then you have to strike out into the world without this man holding you back.

All very sound advice.

1 thing - I'm fully aware that the tone of my posts often makes me sound like a 12 year old with a crush but essentially that's just how I write, I partly blame having to write speeches for a living - everything's very VERRRRY emotional .

You're all right. He went to see a house today - says it all really. I'm flat hunting now, looking for a flatshare in London near where I am currently with people who won't resent me going out and who won't guilty trip me to the point I find it hard to eat or sleep. It'll be utterly shit and I'll probably be back over the next few weeks for some advice to man the fck up hand holding but I feel quite positive, if not a bit scared.

Maybe I did outgrow up, maybe we have just grown apart but I still believe it was an exceptionally special relationship while it lasted and I will be hard pushed to find someone in the future I click with quite so well. But that's life really, isn't it. I'm half tempted to just book a flight to Thailand with my part of our deposit and head off until I start the PhD in September.

Hey chubsasauraus - you are a name-changer, yes?

If so, you sound totally different now to the way you did when we were both in a similar situation before Christmas, you have "hardened up" as you say. You have obviously changed a lot with the new job and the PhD in prospect as well, you have your own life and I imagine (as I work in a similar field) that you have a LOT of scope for meeting people of your own age with similar interests. It's as if the relationship is SOO dramatic and has to be all loved up one minute, tragic the next, and now spending time with your new friends has allowed you to take a step back and say No Thanks to all that.

Sorry had to post and run - meant to say that yes it is sad, really really sad. Great relationships are rare but they do end, and often not for very clear-cut reasons. You will find other people in the future who will be better for you. And meanwhile, being single might be something you need to do for a while. I am certainly finding it to be the case. Sometimes a bit of time off from relationships is necessary to stay sane, I think.

Good luck with it all :)

Whilst I'm hogging the thread, I like this verse by Edna St Vincent Millay:

After all, my erstwhile dear,
My no longer cherished,
Need we say it was not love,
Just because it perished?

He's not that supportive if he is accusing you of infidelity without grounds

Am inclined to agree with SGB (as often, except on monogamy ). A student/academic relationship is likely to present a power imbalance. He's got his PhD, lots of publications under his belt and loads of status. You've got all that ahead of you. He doesn't like your friends or enjoy your subject. It doesn't really sound as if there is much there. OK, he might be smart and gorgeous but that is not enough to make a successful relationship. My suspicion is that he sees you as the junior partner and you think you are not quite good enough for him.

See your friends, have fun, write your thesis (DO NOT LEAVE YOUR BIBLIOGRAPHY UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE AND MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ALL YOUR REFERENCES IN FULL SO YOU ARE NOT CHASING THEM JUST BEFORE SUMBISSION! Ahem, like some do ) and make a life for yourself. Your twenties can be the time for fun and hard work, you have your thirties for childbearing and general drudgery

I really don't think there was a power imbalance. It's a neat way to classify it but it just wasn't that way and still isn't now. It's very hard on here to portray any sadness without that making it seem otherwise.

Elephants - yeah I am :) x

I just hate drama.

Thought so :)

It's weird that our lives seem to be following a similar pattern atm! Some relationships twist you all out of shape I think, and sometimes you get a moment of clarity - maybe because of time spent apart - and really see what you're doing and just think "that's not me".

Have you name changed too? I'm feeling sad again today, didn't go home last night.

No, except I might have had my Christmas name on - ElfPantsAtMidnightMass I think it was :)

Have you got somewhere to stay long-term, or just as a one off?