Friendship problems

[M22]

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m22 it sounds like your friends partner found the card and read it and she probably doesn't even know about it or about that he phoned you ,maybe he thinks her friends are telling her to leave him and maybe your friend hasn't even seen the card,do you know if she has?

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sorry i thought they had problems in their relationship
i would just wait for her to contact you again,you've done nothing wrong,all you can do is listen to her when she needs to talk,she probably is depressed over the adoption but is too scared to admit it in case they take the child away or people think she can't cope or doesn't love the child,sorry,this probably is no help to you but good luck xx

M22 I agree with whymummy I would leave them to contact you.
I cant see that you have done anything wrong except be a friend to this person. You have been a good listener, compassionate and caring and if your advice is not accepted that is fair enough. But there is no need for her partner to be abrupt with you.
You have been a friend, you could of done no more.
Hugs xxx

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M2TIMO your friend seems very frustrated. Maybe it has hit home with her that a child (whether adopted or not) is not a bed of roses. It seems to me she is getting a reality check.
But at the same time maybe she is putting all this effort and time into her child and getting nothing back only grief.
Do you think she may be regretting the decision of adoption???

Real friends should tell you the score and tell you straight so maybe you should stop pussyfooting around and tell her how you feel.
but be nice about it
HTH
hugs
xxx

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M22, Sometimes people just want/need to hear 'what they want to hear' IYKWIM.

I think an honest friend is a better friend (personally) but perhaps you just should bite your tongue and say "there, there..."

Hmmm - to a certain extent she seems to be doing exactly what the poor child is doing, venting as unable to handle or express the situation. Would that help her understand that that is how the child is expressing herself? Sounds like she does need some firm sense of perspective putting in place, for the child's sake, BUT hard if she is not receptive to hearing you. If you are up to tackling it fairly head on as DM suggests, I think YOU need to take a v deep breath and find a way not to take any of her reaction personally and get through it without getting upset yourself. Just remind yourself that it is her own frustration getting passed down the line. I wonder what help she DOES expect you to give? perhaps you could ask her, calmly, in what ways she sees you able to help, and why she has chosen you to share these problems with. Ask her what experience or qualities of yours it is she would like the benfit from in this v difficult situation.

Do parents of adopted children get any suport in situations like this? Is there anyome from whom she can seek professional advice?

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I think you are right in your assessment of her feelings, but I wonder if the only real answer to her question "what should I do" is to say, "Well, you sound upset by it all.What do you think you should do?" - I think advice very often sounds like criticism even if it isn't meant as such (I can go ballistic if my dh advises me on what to do, even he means well), and she's making it clear to you that even if she appears to be asking for advice that isn't what she wants. I don't think you should lie and tell her stuff you don't feel is true, but you can try to reflect her emotions so she feels listened to (ie it sounds to me like you feel pretty frustrated by all this) and try to help her find her own way through the maze. I imagine having an unhappy, uncommunicative four year old daughter all of a sudden can be a huge shock no matter how prepared you think you are.

I suspect you might be the only sympathetic ear she has ATM. She's probably terrified of telling her social workers how she feels in case they take the child away, and her husband clearly expects her to be the perfect mother and might well be terrified of her showing her real feelings and fears - a lot of birth fathers seem to load their partners with similar feelings. You see women posting all the time on Mumsnet who are afraid to show their partners they are not coping, and some whose partners get angry and judgmental when they admit to being overwhelmed or unhappy. Maybe in that situation to hear more 'criticism' as she perceives it (albeit unfairly) might just be too much for her.

I think Aloha is right. But it may be more than that she doesn't really want advice - it may be that she feels undermined by the very fact that you do things differently from her.

I often do this myself (offer advice, suggest alternative explanations etc), to the point that a good friend once said that she never comes to me in times of relationship crisis because she knows I will make her aware of the other side of the argument rather than just say "b*stard". This hurt at the time, but at least it made me aware of it.

So, yes, doing the constructive listening thing may help. But (I think) so will perhaps asking her for advice on some childcare thing, so she doesn't feel she's the only one with problems. Of course you may do this anyway, but its a thought.

How long ago did the adoption take place? I think its a incredibly difficult time, especially when adopting an older child as they usually arrive with so many issues. If you're worried about "failing"- and as an adptive parent you are under far more scrutiny that the rest of us, it must be even harder. I suspect she needs to vent or maybe be told that its ok to feel the way she's feeling- it doesn't make her a bad mum.

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Oooh, M22, alarm bells ringing loudly here.

No she can't tell you what to say or how to think. If you are really friends you should be able to tell her what you think appropriate. If you have to say only what she approves then she is not a friend.

You said at the start "I'm not into friendships which are based on trivia" but if she won't let you help her then trivia is all she is interested in. You could be a really useful friend for her, and it would be worth making a last effort to explain how you feel, but if she won't have that then I think you will have to forget it.

OMG ... I am you ... I have a friend like this ... and have posted about her a number of times .... ( please bear in mind that I have drunk a VAT of wine tonight ... )

I can understand her predicament .. but you seem ( to me ) to be in a lose / lose situation. She is confiding in you and expecting advice ... but when you tell her what you think and feel ... you are being damned because it's not what she wants to hear.
Understand that her DH will ( and should ) stand up for her ... but then you are ( because of this ) painted as the "wrong-doer"....

I am not sure what your OWN situation is at the moment ... but experience says ... be wary ... be very wary ...
we all have our own problems without laying our neck on the line and allowing others to bring us down with them ....

You sound like a true fiend to me ... good for you !

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M22, I don't know what anybody else thinks about this, but why is her husband dealing with this all the time? It's between you and her - it's got nothing to do with him. It is very very strange.

And her DH texting yours is even stranger - it's as if he thinks men have to make women "behave properly". What has your DH said about it?

(Theu both sound a bit mad to me TBH.)

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I think we have all come across people like your friend. Basically these peopel tend to be high maintanance. They always call up asking advise and want a shoulder to cry on, but they don't actually want your honest advise. They are self-obsessed and analyse their own feelings to death. They don't actually want help. They will never be happy or content anyway. My advise is to give your honest opinion and stick with it. If she doesn't want your opinion, then she shouldn't ask for it in the first place. A bit harsh, but I have met so many people like that and I choose to avoid the hassle. I feels sorry for the little girl though.

M22 an apology for what-speaking your mind.
This couple seem like headwreckers and emotional leeches IMO.