but not to have fun with me.
All he goes on about is sex. "fancy some lovemaking?" being his bloody catchphrase at the moment. This little gem must be spouted out of his mouth around 20 to 30 times a day. Perhaps less in the week when he is at work but a day never passes without this catchphrase being blurted out at least a few times.
Our sex life is shit but then so is our relationship tbh. We live seperate lives but not without some effort on my part to get him to have some fun with me.
He never wants to go anywhere or do anything except go for a bike ride or a walk in the countryside. TBH - neither particuarly appeals to me but I do from time to time muck in and make an effort for his sake. But even these trips out dont go without a suggestion we can have sex whilst out or when we get home.
Day to day he kisses me frequently and does show signs of affection but to me they are not affection. A kiss turns into him feeling my breasts or thrusting to simulate sex. He often comes up behind me and starts thrusting away (pretend shagging) and comments "oh I could just do it/fuck you/make love to you"!!!!! I openly admit - this makes me avoid the kissing and cuddles, but then there are no cuddles, cuddles always without fail will involve a tit grope of him pushing my hand down by his balls!!!
A few years ago he had an affair. When we decided to try again we both were frank and open about the things that had made our relationship go shit. His issues were lack of sex when the DC were small and mine was being a nobody other than Mum. No life outside the home (back then I was a SAHM). No social life other than the school mums,PTA etc. We spoke at length several times. I explained I felt like a no one, just a mum so not sexual at all. I never had any reason to wear anything other than jeans and T shirt or even put make up on. I used to do my make up some days but TBH it was a waste of time just to pop to Sainsburys and do the school run. He said he understood this and we agreed that as the DC were growing up we needed to re-find ourselves a joint social life, some new friends and some fun. He said he understood my point that if once a month or so we had something like an evening out with friends (together) to look forward to and a reason to get a little bit glammed up I may feel desirable, a person (not just a mum) etc and want to have sex again.
Well it never really got off the ground really - our new joint social life. I did however, try very hard in bedroom department and made the effort to initiate sex and do it more reguarly. However, as time went by I started to get resentful as my life had not changed much. We chatted etc and he half heartedly tried with a pub tea once in a blue moon and usually improtu, so no time to get made up etc and never with company (usually with the kids).
So anyway, I gradually made some friends (female) and we started going out once a month on girls nights - pub tea and a few drinks. There is a group of 6 of us and we get on fab. We also make a point of having birthday nights out for all of us. I love these nights. I so look forward to them. I feel like ME again. DH is fine with me going. However, the other ladies have also started socialising as couples. Me and DH are invited to BBQs, take out nights etc but DH always has an excuse not to come (too tired, ill or just plain I cant be arsed). So I go (embarrassingly) on my own. No one seems to mind and my friends now dont ask why he never comes. However, what has really started to get my goat is when I go out on any of these evenings/afternoons out (2 x per month) DH always offers to pick me up etc so I can have a drink if I want. He then seems to wait for me to come home/call for a life and seems to expect sex. There was a night last year where I was stupidly drunk and ravished him when I came in the door - He has gone on and on and on about it ever since. SO much so, I jiust cringe every time he brings it up.
Last night was BBQ night at a mates and he was invited but didnt want to miss Britains Got Talent so stayed in. He dropped me off and said to call when I wanted picking up. He also said "get pissed as you like and come home horny, cos I fancy some sex tonight". TBH, he says something like this EVERY time and its just such a turn off. Its like he sits at home all night just waiting and hoping for a shag at the end of the night, and for what - where has he put any effort in spending time with me? having fun with me? etc.
If I stayed in more and lets bare in mind I am in 29 nights in a 31 night month - he is boring as hell at home. He sits there watching TV like TV is ending tomorrow. He sits on the remote and watches TV hardly speaking. He watches stuff like BGT and the apprentice and then when the programmes finish switches straight over to ITV2 etc and watches the follow up programmes. Between August and Xmas he turns into an Xfactor dweeb. He sits an watches TV says bugger all to me except in the adverts when he will say "Fancy some lovemaking".
Typing this out is awful. Reading this back (sorry its so long) I am sat here thinking What the hell am I doing here? I am not happy. I dont think I fancy him any more. Its all the sex talk, its overkill and just put me off for life. Its like he wants sex with me but nothing else. No relationship. No fun and No social life together.
Oh shit. I think deep down I have just realised I dont know if I want to come back from this - yes I feel lonely despite being married, but am sat here just thinking, I dont think I want to make this work, but its the kids etc etc (cliche I know) that makes me think OH GOD NO - YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT WORK. But I just dont think I fancy the man he has become. A man with his hand in his trousers every night watching TV, speaking only to ask me if I want a coffee and then perhaps some lovemaking.
This afternoon I was in Tesco. And a bloke (in his 50's) was lookin at the books and called his wife over and said something about a certain book she wanted being there. Whilst she flipped throught he book, he put his hand on her shoulder and said something so normal but quite endearing about "I saw it and remembered you'd been looking out for that one for ages". He then pecked her on the top of her head before saying he was off to look at something else. I am not usually a soppy person but the warmth and affection was lovely. I could fee a lump in my throat and it just hit me. There is little affection from my husband. He probably thinks there is, but a similar situation if we were both in Tesco together would have been him saying "I nearly didnt tell you the book was there because if you buy it you'll be too busy reading it to have sex with me". Or something along those lines.
I am serious. Not a troll. I know some of what I have written is a bit boak!!! The "Lovemaking" makes me cringe every fucking time he says it.
Oh god - what am I to do? Dunno what to do? Dunno what I expect anyone to say really.