My husband wants sex with me

[ohsolonely]

but not to have fun with me.

All he goes on about is sex. "fancy some lovemaking?" being his bloody catchphrase at the moment. This little gem must be spouted out of his mouth around 20 to 30 times a day. Perhaps less in the week when he is at work but a day never passes without this catchphrase being blurted out at least a few times.

Our sex life is shit but then so is our relationship tbh. We live seperate lives but not without some effort on my part to get him to have some fun with me.

He never wants to go anywhere or do anything except go for a bike ride or a walk in the countryside. TBH - neither particuarly appeals to me but I do from time to time muck in and make an effort for his sake. But even these trips out dont go without a suggestion we can have sex whilst out or when we get home.

Day to day he kisses me frequently and does show signs of affection but to me they are not affection. A kiss turns into him feeling my breasts or thrusting to simulate sex. He often comes up behind me and starts thrusting away (pretend shagging) and comments "oh I could just do it/fuck you/make love to you"!!!!! I openly admit - this makes me avoid the kissing and cuddles, but then there are no cuddles, cuddles always without fail will involve a tit grope of him pushing my hand down by his balls!!!

A few years ago he had an affair. When we decided to try again we both were frank and open about the things that had made our relationship go shit. His issues were lack of sex when the DC were small and mine was being a nobody other than Mum. No life outside the home (back then I was a SAHM). No social life other than the school mums,PTA etc. We spoke at length several times. I explained I felt like a no one, just a mum so not sexual at all. I never had any reason to wear anything other than jeans and T shirt or even put make up on. I used to do my make up some days but TBH it was a waste of time just to pop to Sainsburys and do the school run. He said he understood this and we agreed that as the DC were growing up we needed to re-find ourselves a joint social life, some new friends and some fun. He said he understood my point that if once a month or so we had something like an evening out with friends (together) to look forward to and a reason to get a little bit glammed up I may feel desirable, a person (not just a mum) etc and want to have sex again.

Well it never really got off the ground really - our new joint social life. I did however, try very hard in bedroom department and made the effort to initiate sex and do it more reguarly. However, as time went by I started to get resentful as my life had not changed much. We chatted etc and he half heartedly tried with a pub tea once in a blue moon and usually improtu, so no time to get made up etc and never with company (usually with the kids).

So anyway, I gradually made some friends (female) and we started going out once a month on girls nights - pub tea and a few drinks. There is a group of 6 of us and we get on fab. We also make a point of having birthday nights out for all of us. I love these nights. I so look forward to them. I feel like ME again. DH is fine with me going. However, the other ladies have also started socialising as couples. Me and DH are invited to BBQs, take out nights etc but DH always has an excuse not to come (too tired, ill or just plain I cant be arsed). So I go (embarrassingly) on my own. No one seems to mind and my friends now dont ask why he never comes. However, what has really started to get my goat is when I go out on any of these evenings/afternoons out (2 x per month) DH always offers to pick me up etc so I can have a drink if I want. He then seems to wait for me to come home/call for a life and seems to expect sex. There was a night last year where I was stupidly drunk and ravished him when I came in the door - He has gone on and on and on about it ever since. SO much so, I jiust cringe every time he brings it up.

Last night was BBQ night at a mates and he was invited but didnt want to miss Britains Got Talent so stayed in. He dropped me off and said to call when I wanted picking up. He also said "get pissed as you like and come home horny, cos I fancy some sex tonight". TBH, he says something like this EVERY time and its just such a turn off. Its like he sits at home all night just waiting and hoping for a shag at the end of the night, and for what - where has he put any effort in spending time with me? having fun with me? etc.

If I stayed in more and lets bare in mind I am in 29 nights in a 31 night month - he is boring as hell at home. He sits there watching TV like TV is ending tomorrow. He sits on the remote and watches TV hardly speaking. He watches stuff like BGT and the apprentice and then when the programmes finish switches straight over to ITV2 etc and watches the follow up programmes. Between August and Xmas he turns into an Xfactor dweeb. He sits an watches TV says bugger all to me except in the adverts when he will say "Fancy some lovemaking".

Typing this out is awful. Reading this back (sorry its so long) I am sat here thinking What the hell am I doing here? I am not happy. I dont think I fancy him any more. Its all the sex talk, its overkill and just put me off for life. Its like he wants sex with me but nothing else. No relationship. No fun and No social life together.

Oh shit. I think deep down I have just realised I dont know if I want to come back from this - yes I feel lonely despite being married, but am sat here just thinking, I dont think I want to make this work, but its the kids etc etc (cliche I know) that makes me think OH GOD NO - YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT WORK. But I just dont think I fancy the man he has become. A man with his hand in his trousers every night watching TV, speaking only to ask me if I want a coffee and then perhaps some lovemaking.

This afternoon I was in Tesco. And a bloke (in his 50's) was lookin at the books and called his wife over and said something about a certain book she wanted being there. Whilst she flipped throught he book, he put his hand on her shoulder and said something so normal but quite endearing about "I saw it and remembered you'd been looking out for that one for ages". He then pecked her on the top of her head before saying he was off to look at something else. I am not usually a soppy person but the warmth and affection was lovely. I could fee a lump in my throat and it just hit me. There is little affection from my husband. He probably thinks there is, but a similar situation if we were both in Tesco together would have been him saying "I nearly didnt tell you the book was there because if you buy it you'll be too busy reading it to have sex with me". Or something along those lines.

I am serious. Not a troll. I know some of what I have written is a bit boak!!! The "Lovemaking" makes me cringe every fucking time he says it.

Oh god - what am I to do? Dunno what to do? Dunno what I expect anyone to say really.

You could try something completely different, and call his bluff.

Unfortunately being less into sex can really set some men off. But if you offered on a platter he would probably quickly become much less desperate. I'd give him about 48 hours before he asking for some time out.

Alternatively, would he be alright if he wasn't banging on about sex all the time? Maybe just say to him to go and find what he wants somewhere else.

It's not the end of the world. It might be the start of a nice friendship?

He sounds awful.

That anecdote about the couple in the supermarket... That is what you deserve. Maybe I'm lucky but to me THAT is normal, that affection and thought. You deserve somebody who thinks of you and your interests, not your orifices.

If cared, he would try anything, regardless of cost.

He doesn't want his behaviour to be discussed in front of anyone else as he knows he is being a dick.

sorry but I think you should leave him.

He sound completely vile. The affair was about his selfishness and now, this is about his selfishness, too, from doing what he likes and leaving you to socialise alone to wanting you to perform when he chooses, and having absolutely no self awareness of what a creepy, pervy, disgusting dick he is being. I think you really have to tackle this head on and tell him either you go to relate to try and fix the lack of communication (ie the fact that his stupid cloth ears are fixed closed when it comes to you and your wellbeing), or you will be off. You are learning to despise him and soon it will be too late.

I dont think your DH is the only one who becomes a prat when he's frustrated :). My experience is that men see sex as necessary for affection and women see affection as necessary for sex.

When that breaks down the DH gets frustrated, starts asking for more like a horny prat, that makes DW even less willing, so DH gets even more frustrated. It seems so silly except you cant screw around with sex iykwim. If the cycle isn't broken you can just predict a tearful "my DH is having an affair" thread down the road.

If it were me, to break the cycle I'd try compromising - taking a leaf out of fastweb's book. I think you'll find you can have a better discussion then.

.

Good point, in that the problem here is with communication. However, given his past (don't know if you missed it Omigawd, but he has already had one affair previously), he should be a lot less selfish than this... PS OP, I know what you mean - 'lovemaking' holds a special place in my bile duct, right next to 'panties'. Urgh.

Abedelia I did, and that the reason was lack of sex......

Maybe you are just irresistible! (Just kidding, hoping to get even alittle smile)

After 18 years he should know when something is seriously bothering you. The fact that he is completely ignoring it is worrying, After all you have been through (The affair ect) he shouldn't really have a choice about going to Relate if that's what you need. Do you think it would honestly help or are you past the point of no return?

That part about the book couple broke my heart. I'm really sorry you had to feel like that :(. You really shouldn't have too.

OK OP, it's not sex that your H wants. What he wants is to upset you. If he really wanted to have more sex with you, he would be listening to you and making an effort to make you happy ie you have told him that you would like him to make more of an effort to socialise with you and that would make you feel more attracted to him, and he is ignoring this and continuing to pester and grope you, despite your obvious distaste. Unless he is really, profoundly stupid he must be aware that the constant pestering is not working ie it is putting you offrather than turning you on.
You also mention that he would refuse to leave the home, that he's mean with money, that he's refused to seek help, that he has basically expected you just to put up with his having an affair... He is not a nice man, and he doesn't consider you a human being at all, you're just a thing he can kick around.
Sorry but I think this relationship is broken beyond repair. But you can fix your own life by getting rid of him. He can either be made to leave the home or you can leave without losing your financial stake in it: see a solicitor or talk to Women's Aid.

Is he thick? Sorry, but doesn't he know that there is nothing more sexy than going out together with friends,flirting and then coming home both in good mood etc..? Erm, watching x-factor wont make you horny.

I think that you are growing and changing but he doesn't, and you seem to be way smarter than him, he sounds dim and very dull.

What he does when you host bbq then? Have you try? I think the only hope there is if he made an efford and become more fun and more interesting and he catches up with you. Maybe start with a bbq or party at yours. If he doesn't you will be very frustrated and bored with him and you might leave him and i wouldn't blame you.

How the hell do you end 18 years together.

It probably looks like somebody has dumped an elephant on your plate and told you to eat it . An impossible, ginormous task.

Maybe try cutting it up and eat the elephant in bite sized pieces ?

If you are not totally sure yet that you want to call it quits, but have questions about the nuts and bolts of post divorce, like where you will live etc., how about making the first bite of elephant going to a solicitor to get a good idea from them where you stand regarding the house, money, kids ?

There are two benefits from this.

One you won't be in the dark about very important stuff that will impact your future, and forewarned is forearmed.

Two, sitting at that desk talking about the demise of your marriage in very calm and pragmatic terms may well crystallize more fully which way you want to go. If you find yourself feeling pure relief that you have taken the first step to getting out and the beginnings of hope for the future, then you know you want out.

There is no rule that says you can't have the legal the info you need until you have made up your mind to get a divorce, and knowing where you stand BEFORE you broach the subject with your husband\family means you are immune to the night terrors of wondering what will become of you in practical terms.

Just one bite of elephant to see if you like the taste before you try and mash the rest up for consumption, with the added benefit of knowing where you and the kids stand when it comes to the non emotional content.

And a big fat hug, your turmoil is palpable, and I hope you find some peace sooner rather than later.

Bear in mind that any suggestions I make are on the basis of I won't take it personally, or get stroppy with you if you post that it doesn't suit you as an option. My knowledge of you, your husband and your life together is very limited by default of being based on a few posts, so I could very easily be wide of the mark in my assessment, which in great part is based on assumptions, required to fill in the gaps.

I'm just a throwing around ideas and nobody other than you is best placed to see what resonates\works for you and eliminating options that don't.

The last thing you should be feeling right now is rendered powerless or pushed around by a sense of responsibility towards people who would dictate to you what you should do\feel\believe.

This absolutely has to be about you and what you need and want. Might be worth sticking a note in your purse (so you see it everytime you pay for something) to that effect if later on your family and his start to have strong opinions as to the degree of control\power they should have over your choices.

Great post Fastweb. I would second the advice that just finding out about your rights and finances and stuff doesn't mean you have to start divorce proceedings, but knowledge is power.
Also, Ohsolonely, I missed that you have been with this man for 18 years. Has he always been selfish? If not, when did his behaviour change. I find it hard to imagine that you have managed to survive 18 years of being pestered and groped like this without cutting his cock off with a breadknife.

Thank you again to those that have replied.

I had an odd nights sleep last night dreaming about this post. I have been living feeling bluergh about the sex nagging for ages and its actually quite hard to sit here and read back what I typed - because its something I have never really talked about much or admitted. Its hard to read the cold facts there in black and white.

I feel something towards my husband. I do not hate him but I do not think it the deep passionate love it once was. I know we are now older, got kids having to deal with the type of shit life throws at you sometimes but although there is a kind of love and affection I have for him its not the "your my hubby and I think you are wonderful" it once was.

I dont want anyone else but am wondering about a life alone. I would miss him but not the sex nagging. But then anyone would miss anyone they have been with for 18 years wouldnt they?

I am ashamed to admit that we have had a few shouty rows in the past 6 months. I try so hard to not rise to it especially when the kids are about. However, I have snapped a few times when we have been say in the kitchen and the kids in the lounge. My youngest (10yo) has heard us shouting (not about sex just random stuff but probably connected to his nagging for sex) and started crying . She said she was frightened we might get divorced because of the shouting. To say I feel like shit about this is an understatement and yeas I know I was wrong to raise my voice and shout in earshot of my kids, I really do. I sat her down, shocked at her tears and reassured her in the heat of the moment. But what now?

I know I am making excuses and sound pathetic. I know deep down I have to be true to myself and make the right decision for ME but its so hard when the most precious people in my world (2 DC) will be effected so horribly by it .

Shall I stick it out another 6 or 7 years? Until they are 16/7 and 18/9 yo? Thats daft isnt it. They will still be gutted then, wont they?

I do take on the advice about going to speak to a solicitor just find out where I stand. One thing I am scared about is due to a tax credits cosk up we owe thousands to tex credits and although we are slowly paying it back its going to take years. I wont get any tax credits thats for sure. My part time job is soon to end as the shop is closing down and only pays me a a few £££ a month, more like pocket money. I took the job as I wanted to get an upto date reference for a more proper job after years of being a SAHM.

So can I just phone a solicitor then and just ask for an appointment to see where I would stand financially? Do I just tell them this is all I want when I make the appointment? How much do solicitors cost? Dont know why, but just doing this (sensible as I know it is) is scaring me. Its another step in admitting my marriage is almost certainly over.

Sorry - for rambling on this morning.

Love I was 16 when my parents separated, my sister 11. I don't think either of us got it easier than the other because of our age.

What made it awful was not when they divorced, it was how they divorced.

We became instrumentalized by one and a burden to divulge oneself of to the other. I doubt many children love their parents splitting up, but just one parent doing their utmost to make them the priority in the aftermath can make a humongous difference.

I don't live in the UK so i have no idea how much a solicitor would cost, I do remember my mum got legal aid and my dad was a well paid fighter pilot , so his income didn't means-test her out of the right to legal advice even before they were legally separated, is that something worth looking into ?

Do you have room on a credit card for a cash withdrawal that will take time to come to light ? Family or friends who who lend you some cash without the need for all the gory details and the risk of gossip ?

There might be agencies that offer free legal advice to women, given that regardless of the family's income, a wife might not have direct access to family funds.

Feel free to ramble, I do my best thinking and working out what I want\need via rambling. It is unfairly maligned as a stratagy ( =

divest not divulge, curses on my spellchecker that changes words behind my back.

Ohsolonely, have just joined this site after reading this thread. I know this is a few years

Sorry didn't finish.. I know this is a few years old but I am reading your post and it sounds like I wrote it myself... Please could you let me know how things have turned out for you.

Sounds like my husband. I walked out with nothing but the kids and the clothes on my back a few weeks ago. It was part of a general lack of respect for me as a person in my own right. So I left.
I feel much better about life, despite being in my parents spare room with next to nothing.

Oh... This is ancient, duh, silly me, didn't notice the dates

Wonder if the OP is ok, and what happened

You write for so many of us married to immature, selfish men.

Why didn't we notice their immaturity when we married them?! I thought I could 'change' him.

OP, he doesn't listen because HE DOESN'T WANT TO. Listening? That means giving.

Read Lundy Bancroft.

You will get tax credits. It is a new claim as a single person. The debt still has to be repaid, but is based on the joint claim. You just apply in your own name and fill the forms as normal.
Children are afraid of divorce because it is an unknown. They don't know what the realities are. When they discover that they still see Dad, and Mum is happy, they will be fine.

He sounds like a deeply boring, empty man. He watches rubbish telly obsessively - rubbish in, rubbish out, they say - and then obsesses about shagging. You did mention that he likes to go for walks, so I guess he's not utterly empty, but his reclusiveness and obsession with shit telly is chilling. It's like he's so empty that sex is just a stimulant for him.

Fuck sake
Zombie thread!

yep zombie thread but I wonder how it did turn out....

Curious for sad reasons