Another 'D'h problem thread - Very Long

[SpiralsInSpirals]

Hi

I am married and have been for 7 years, it was our anniversary just before the Bank Holiday we have two children who are in preschool aged 3 & 4 both of us are 27

Problems as I see them:

Not once helping me whilst they are ill (they where both ill with various bugs for nearly a month of sickness and diarrhoea)
Never cooking a meal and expecting me to cook every day - although I am a SAHM just doing something when he is about would be a bonus
Appears to favour DC1 over DC2 a lot to the point where I get DC2 asking why does daddy only like DC1
Only ever dealing with the nice part of childcare
Snoring meaning I have to exist on broken and disturbed sleep
Criticizes even when I feel I have done a good job
Not caring at all about my interests or feelings
The fact that I have to ask PIL when I want a break and I would never get a lie in otherwise
The way he looks at me with such disgust in your eyes
The way he would rather go to bed at 8:30 than spend anytime in the same room
The fact that he talks to me not as someone he cares about but as someone who is not worthy of your time
The way he doesn't appear to love me any more
The way nothing I can ever do is ever to the right standard
The way his needs and wants are somehow always more important than mine and the boys
He always seems happier when I am not about
I can't make him smile any more
They way he jumps in with the boys when I am dealing with a situation but I am never allowed to jump in when he is doing the same despite the fact he are being unreasonably harsh to one of the boys because he expects far to much of them
He calls me names and insults me and think it both normal and acceptable
He won't talk to me to tell me what I have done wrong to make you hate me instead he basically tells me to fuck off
The way he refuses to be anywhere near me in bed and then complains of the backache which he caused himself by hanging off the edge of the bed lest he gets even remotely near me
The way he prefers to have DC1 in bed so he doesn't have to be near me
The way he would be better of with someone who he can actually love
The way he deserves someone so much better and on his wavelength than me The only reason we are together is for the boys
The way that we both want each other to change into something we are not The way I disgust and repulse him so much because I am fat but the only reason I eat so much is because I am so sad and angry
The way I wonder though if everything might change if I was more attractive and thinner
The way I wish he loved me or even just didn't hate me would be an improvement on this existence
The way I think you would be happier if I got hit by a bus tomorrow

I am a sloth an oaf, lazy fat, cow, bitch, and many other names he has called me despite the fact that I do call him on it just not strongly his main problem I think is that I am rubbish at housework (although I believe I keep it reasonably clean and tidy) and as he see's it just sits on my fat arse all day wasting his money and ruining the house - despite the fact that the only money I use is for food shopping and children's things when they need them

He is now taken to staying away, he went out straight from work Wed, Thur he was out on Friday and is out now, he told me he won't be too late tonight as he has an early start tomorrow but not to bother waiting for him for dinner I am 5ft 5 and I weigh 12 stone I wear size 14-16 clothes and consider myself two stone heavier than I would like to be.

I know there is most likely no hope but I don't know how I can cope to leave, the eldest is starting school in September and I would be reliant on benefits until the younger starts I feel so lonely

Something as important as this should not be conveyed by text message; text message is a form of non communication. Also it is very telling that he has not spoken of this since.

I maintain he still does not mean a word of what he said and it is all designed to draw you back into his web.

Look at what he is doing to your children as well; they have already noticed that one is being treated more favourably than the other.

It does seem like he has fully accepted it is over, but doesn't want to be the one to call time. Somehow you're going to have to move on, emotionally, and find the strength to make it happen. It seems to me that things can only improve for you - you can learn to be happy, give up the comfort eating, and appreciate just how good a person you are and how much you do for your boys, rather than being told how useless you are.

He isn't trying to draw you back into his web - he wants out! He can't say it any clearer.

The guy isn't saying sorry for all the things he has done wrong, he is sorry that the relationship has broken down and that you are going to be hurt Sprials. To my mind is not a bad thing. It is too easy for an emotional abuser to say sorry usually adding a 'but' on the end where they blame you for everything that has gone wrong and try and make it your fault so you try to change to keep them happy. It won't happen. To do that would be drawing you back into the web and would be an attempt to prolong the relationship for all the wrong reasons. He isn't doing that.

Using a text has brought things to a head, it has broken the ice. No it isn't an ideal way of communicating but they haven't been communicating for months anyway and if this is what it takes to make a start on bringing things out into the open then so be it. I think he is being as honest as he can be but he doesn't want to give false hope. Of course if all his communication ends up being by text then that is a different matter - that is cowardly but as a start

It doesn't really matter. What is done is done, you know where you stand. Rather than analysing the text you have to decide what you are going to do next. And you move on. You can take control and finish it. There is no false hope hanging around to confuse things. You can move on to a better life, even if it looks scary for now. Good luck Spirals.

sorry that should be ....but as a start at explaining what he feels without continuing to mistreat you, it is OK.

It is also worth considering the fact that the way things are between you is probably having a far worse effect on the DCs than if you were to split. You may find that Ds2 is far happier out of the current atmosphere. Just a thought.

Does anybody else at all think he may well have been with somebody else the evenings he stayed out, that this is why he is so repulsed by the woman he currently lives with, and that those words are not entirely his own?

If he were truly sorry he would look you in the eyes and say so to your face; and then make at least some effort to behave less like the arsehole he correctly calls himself. It's not mandatory to insult your housemate even if you don't want to be living with them. He's trying to make out he's got some variation of Tourette's, that he has no choice in how to behave, which is rubbish (because if it were true he would surely seek help for it).

You are not the one who is breaking up this marriage. He has already told you it's effectively over, in writing. But you may have to be the one to start making practical arrangements. Staying together to be insulted, ground down and belittled is totally not fair on you, however well it may suit him to have a nursemaid, laundrymaid, chief cook, bottlewasher and whipping-boy on tap.

He sounds like a horrible self-centred oaf and I can't possibly imagine your life wouldn't be better without him in it.