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Relationships

Another 'D'h problem thread - Very Long

31 replies

SpiralsInSpirals · 04/06/2011 13:45

Hi

I am married and have been for 7 years, it was our anniversary just before the Bank Holiday we have two children who are in preschool aged 3 & 4 both of us are 27

Problems as I see them:

Not once helping me whilst they are ill (they where both ill with various bugs for nearly a month of sickness and diarrhoea)
Never cooking a meal and expecting me to cook every day - although I am a SAHM just doing something when he is about would be a bonus
Appears to favour DC1 over DC2 a lot to the point where I get DC2 asking why does daddy only like DC1
Only ever dealing with the nice part of childcare
Snoring meaning I have to exist on broken and disturbed sleep
Criticizes even when I feel I have done a good job
Not caring at all about my interests or feelings
The fact that I have to ask PIL when I want a break and I would never get a lie in otherwise
The way he looks at me with such disgust in your eyes
The way he would rather go to bed at 8:30 than spend anytime in the same room
The fact that he talks to me not as someone he cares about but as someone who is not worthy of your time
The way he doesn't appear to love me any more
The way nothing I can ever do is ever to the right standard
The way his needs and wants are somehow always more important than mine and the boys
He always seems happier when I am not about
I can't make him smile any more
They way he jumps in with the boys when I am dealing with a situation but I am never allowed to jump in when he is doing the same despite the fact he are being unreasonably harsh to one of the boys because he expects far to much of them
He calls me names and insults me and think it both normal and acceptable
He won't talk to me to tell me what I have done wrong to make you hate me instead he basically tells me to fuck off
The way he refuses to be anywhere near me in bed and then complains of the backache which he caused himself by hanging off the edge of the bed lest he gets even remotely near me
The way he prefers to have DC1 in bed so he doesn't have to be near me
The way he would be better of with someone who he can actually love
The way he deserves someone so much better and on his wavelength than me The only reason we are together is for the boys
The way that we both want each other to change into something we are not The way I disgust and repulse him so much because I am fat but the only reason I eat so much is because I am so sad and angry
The way I wonder though if everything might change if I was more attractive and thinner
The way I wish he loved me or even just didn't hate me would be an improvement on this existence
The way I think you would be happier if I got hit by a bus tomorrow


I am a sloth an oaf, lazy fat, cow, bitch, and many other names he has called me despite the fact that I do call him on it just not strongly his main problem I think is that I am rubbish at housework (although I believe I keep it reasonably clean and tidy) and as he see's it just sits on my fat arse all day wasting his money and ruining the house - despite the fact that the only money I use is for food shopping and children's things when they need them

He is now taken to staying away, he went out straight from work Wed, Thur he was out on Friday and is out now, he told me he won't be too late tonight as he has an early start tomorrow but not to bother waiting for him for dinner I am 5ft 5 and I weigh 12 stone I wear size 14-16 clothes and consider myself two stone heavier than I would like to be.

I know there is most likely no hope but I don't know how I can cope to leave, the eldest is starting school in September and I would be reliant on benefits until the younger starts I feel so lonely

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Anniegetyourgun · 05/06/2011 12:34

Does anybody else at all think he may well have been with somebody else the evenings he stayed out, that this is why he is so repulsed by the woman he currently lives with, and that those words are not entirely his own?

If he were truly sorry he would look you in the eyes and say so to your face; and then make at least some effort to behave less like the arsehole he correctly calls himself. It's not mandatory to insult your housemate even if you don't want to be living with them. He's trying to make out he's got some variation of Tourette's, that he has no choice in how to behave, which is rubbish (because if it were true he would surely seek help for it).

You are not the one who is breaking up this marriage. He has already told you it's effectively over, in writing. But you may have to be the one to start making practical arrangements. Staying together to be insulted, ground down and belittled is totally not fair on you, however well it may suit him to have a nursemaid, laundrymaid, chief cook, bottlewasher and whipping-boy on tap.

He sounds like a horrible self-centred oaf and I can't possibly imagine your life wouldn't be better without him in it.

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3littlefrogs · 05/06/2011 12:28

It is also worth considering the fact that the way things are between you is probably having a far worse effect on the DCs than if you were to split. You may find that Ds2 is far happier out of the current atmosphere. Just a thought.

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Niecie · 05/06/2011 12:19

sorry that should be ....but as a start at explaining what he feels without continuing to mistreat you, it is OK.

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Niecie · 05/06/2011 12:15

He isn't trying to draw you back into his web - he wants out! He can't say it any clearer.

The guy isn't saying sorry for all the things he has done wrong, he is sorry that the relationship has broken down and that you are going to be hurt Sprials. To my mind is not a bad thing. It is too easy for an emotional abuser to say sorry usually adding a 'but' on the end where they blame you for everything that has gone wrong and try and make it your fault so you try to change to keep them happy. It won't happen. To do that would be drawing you back into the web and would be an attempt to prolong the relationship for all the wrong reasons. He isn't doing that.

Using a text has brought things to a head, it has broken the ice. No it isn't an ideal way of communicating but they haven't been communicating for months anyway and if this is what it takes to make a start on bringing things out into the open then so be it. I think he is being as honest as he can be but he doesn't want to give false hope. Of course if all his communication ends up being by text then that is a different matter - that is cowardly but as a start

It doesn't really matter. What is done is done, you know where you stand. Rather than analysing the text you have to decide what you are going to do next. And you move on. You can take control and finish it. There is no false hope hanging around to confuse things. You can move on to a better life, even if it looks scary for now. Good luck Spirals.

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Jogonjill · 05/06/2011 09:28

It does seem like he has fully accepted it is over, but doesn't want to be the one to call time. Somehow you're going to have to move on, emotionally, and find the strength to make it happen. It seems to me that things can only improve for you - you can learn to be happy, give up the comfort eating, and appreciate just how good a person you are and how much you do for your boys, rather than being told how useless you are.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2011 09:27

Something as important as this should not be conveyed by text message; text message is a form of non communication. Also it is very telling that he has not spoken of this since.

I maintain he still does not mean a word of what he said and it is all designed to draw you back into his web.

Look at what he is doing to your children as well; they have already noticed that one is being treated more favourably than the other.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2011 09:24

Spirals,

Because he is not sorry, his message was designed to make you feel sorry for him by him writing that all this is really beyond his control. No it is not, he chooses to behave abusively. Words are cheap, its actions that matter and he has taken no steps to do anything (you write he has refused counselling, what does that really tell you about him as well?). It would not surprise me at all to subsequently read this his own parents marriage was rocky and or violent; this is inbuilt and learnt behaviour. He would have behaved exactly the same regardless of whom he married.

Abusive men like he are adept at making others think it is all their fault and that he has no control over his actions. He has never shown any real remorse for his actions towards you and his children, he does not at heart think he has done anything wrong.

He continues to favour one child over the other damaging their own precious relationship in the process. You cannot as their mother allow that to happen to them.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; he was certainly taught damaging lessons. You run the risk of also teaching your children damaging lessons if you remain with this individual.

You cannot and must not allow his damaging legacy to further affect you and your children. You can and should leave this man; it is truly within your grasp to do so and there is help out there in order to do this. The hardest part for you is to make that first step to access it.

You need to protect yourselves and to do that you need to legally separate.
You cannot go on like this; he is just dragging you all down with him.

Do read the books recommended and make that call to Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.

Keep posting.

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Niecie · 05/06/2011 09:20

Well, he gives the impression of some self awareness, he hasn't blamed you for his behaviour in that message, he sounds confused and upset too.

BUT, I still think he means it, I don't think he wants to be with you any more and I don't think he is depressed. Whether there is a spark or not (which I doubt) it isn't going to be reignited by more of the same as you have been living for the last few weeks/months and I don't think there is any doubt that the best thing for you both now is for you to separate. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think it is time for him to pack his bags.

As for sending a text rather than speaking on the phone - some people can get their head straight and write better than they can speak face to face or on the phone. I would be the same - I can say what I mean far better in writing than I can speaking. You need to have a face to face conversation at some point, obviously but he has done the hard bit and admitted what he really feels - if he continues to do everything by text that isn't good but on this occasion I would just accept what he says and how he has said it and realise that it you are indeed at the end of the road.

So sorry you are having to deal with this SpiralsinSpirals. Sad

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SpiralsInSpirals · 05/06/2011 09:13

Thank you Attila I am still here in tears but I feel angry at the message now, its all about him I I I is all I read me me me , Like he is saying I am a good person and you make me like this and you are going to destroy the boys life if you rock the boat

But it still hurts so much inside he says this but he hasn't mentioned it today before he left, he didn't say a word to me (I only noticed the message once he had gone) he barely looked at me, If he is so sorry why would he not say something?

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2011 09:03

Note he did not even bother to call you on the phone. Words are cheap and his text message is meaningless. He is not admitting any real responsibility for his actions here and joint counselling is never adviseable in such situations because of his ongoing abuse meted out. He is not sorry at all for what he is and has put you through although he keeps saying he is. He has a choice and he has made choices all the way along here; he has chosen to treat you abusively. He continues to favour DC1 over DC2; that fact alone should be enough to end this now dead relationship for you once and for all.

Abuse is about power and control ultimately. He wants that over you and his children.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. He is certainly imparting damaging lessons to them as are you if you decide to stay with this abuser.

I would not fall for the text message and it is a headf**k; this is the usual sort of tactics that are employed by abusive men to keep their victim (i.e you in this case) in line and to make you feel sorry for them. He is not sorry, not a jot. He cares not for you and his children.

You should read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Also "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

He has expressed no real remorse for his actions and if you remain with him he will not change, infact his behaviour will further escalate.

It is only when you are fully free of him that you will perhaps realise just how bad this man actually behaved towards you. Such men too take years to recover from; I would suggest you get in touch with Womens Aid to help you further. I would also suggest you get yourself onto their "Freedom" programme as this will help you in the longer run as well.

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SpiralsInSpirals · 05/06/2011 08:50

He sent me a text last night:

I'm sorry for putting on the act of being a bastard. I know you hate me for it and I really, really don't blame you. We both know we have nothing left and our relationship is over, but I'm so so scared, of hurting you, of missing my boys at night if they aren't with me and destroying their lives, and of what to do, say, or how to act, and that the only way I have of hiding from it is to be an ass-hole, and I feel like absolute shit treating you that way, because whilst we don't have anything left, I love you and what we had and have (our boys), and do still care for you as the person you are. I am not a bad person, if only you knew. I was raised well and I feel it inside, but this whole thing is so painful, and has been for years, that, I can not process and deal with it. I just try to get through each day. But most importantly, I just wanted you to know that even though I am a complete ass-hole when it comes to you, I feel worse inside for being that way because it goes against everything I am inside, and every time, every day, I am so so sorry for being that way.


I am in tears again, is he depressed, could we find some spark to build from, is it all just a complete head fuck, is it all my fault and if he is so sorry why the fuck does he keep doing it?? Why

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GypsyMoth · 04/06/2011 20:15

a life...a good one,thats whats at the bottom!!

you deserve to be happy and not treading on eggshells

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SpiralsInSpirals · 04/06/2011 20:13

I have tried to work on this for years, he refuses counselling blaming it all on me instead, I don't discipline the children, I don't make the house tidy enough etc etc.

I feel like I am on the top of a cliff and I need to jump but I don't know what is at the bottom :(

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hurryup · 04/06/2011 17:52

I agree with Tiffany, I'm also a lone parent of 5 and although splitting up was so tough, it was what needed to happen and there is a light at the end of the tunnel at last. You'll be surprised how lovely it is not to have someone making you feel like shit all the time.

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Saffysmum · 04/06/2011 14:25

So you joint own the property? Then although you say there is no way he would let you stay in the property, sorry, but tough. He's not above the law is he? You can stay in the family home, he will have to support the kids. You will get benefits and higher tax credits. You need to get him to leave - easier said than done I know, but a solicitor can advise you. Me and my kids are in the family home, and I won't even consider putting it on the market until youngest leaves full time ed (at 18). Because that's the law.

Yes Tiff, it is wonderful to be so relieved. Have a lot of legal stuff ahead, but that's nothing compared to the couple of years of hell before I kicked him out. I didn't realise how bad it was, until I kicked him out, and got my life back.

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jan2011 · 04/06/2011 14:16

hey...
before you totally give up, has he realised that there is a problem and does he want to change, would he consider counselling and working on the marriage. im so sorry for all you are going through. i would refuse to do any of his washing, ironing, etc... let him look after himself until he starts realising and stops taking you for granted. you and the kids don't deserve this and he needs a wake up call. u will get through this, there is always better days ahead, sending hugs your way xxx

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SpiralsInSpirals · 04/06/2011 14:14

I have got to go out now but thanks again to everyone for replying I will be back on later

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SpiralsInSpirals · 04/06/2011 14:13

Thanks for all your replies, I wrote it out initially to show to him, but I am to scared to send it to him, He would stay as there is no way he would let me stay in the house, my only hope would be to get it valued and try to get him to buy me out of half of it.

TBH I wouldn't trust him with DC2 as he is a different kettle of fish, very linear boy and gets very upset if the line is broken also he withdraws at time socially and wants to be alone so the handling of him needs to be delicate at certain times whilst still being firm if he misbehaves, his behaviour has got gradually worse for about 2 years now we have blow outs and he shouts at me and blames it all on me but it improves a bit but now he will even call me names in front of his parents which he didn't do before.

I am so tired a lot of the time he snores the boys wake up and he sleeps through it all

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GypsyMoth · 04/06/2011 14:08

when i split with my ex after 10 years and 4 dc,they actually said 'good for you'

i remained in contact and they have been supportive. they knew him well enough and saw a lot of things,but never interferred.

maye his parents are thinking along the same lines?

saffysmum.....in your posts your relief is almost tangible!!

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maleview70 · 04/06/2011 14:08

Getting together and marrying someone who you met so young is always risky. I was a completely different person at 30 than I was at 20 when I first got married. People grow apart.

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Niecie · 04/06/2011 14:06

Crikey, I don't know how you have stuck it out, being treated like that. What an awful existence.

I have to agree with ILT - it does sound as if you are better off out of it. If he is staying away so much it won't be a big leap from him to move out completely and leave you alone. Being alone has got to be better than living with this man.

The only chance that there is any hope is if he is depressed and this behaviour has come on suddenly and is a relatively new thing. Has he always been like this and is just getting worse or were things ever really good between you. Even so, I think I would be asking him to move out until he sorts himself out. You can't live like this and nor can your children since it sounds like it is already affecting them.

How you do that I don't know but I sure somebody else will know more about the practicalities.

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SpiralsInSpirals · 04/06/2011 14:04

Mumcah - it has been gradual and tbh until I started to write it all down, I din't realise how many negatives there are, I can't think of any positives, the only support I have is from his parents and tbh I am scared of losing that if/when we split. I feel like I want to burst into tears all the time but I don't think that would help :(

maleview70 - Yes we got together in college typical young love, now he doesn't look at me let alone touch me I just get brushed off to the side the only people I have that say they love me are the dc's

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Saffysmum · 04/06/2011 14:04

I believe you ILoveTIFF! You can't live like this OP, actually you're not living, your existing. Much of your post resonated with me - and I've just thrown my STBXH out, after 22 years of marriage, with four kids; and the big Five O is looming, but I can honestly say, I have never been happier than I am now.

Why do you have to be the one to leave - if you co-own the property your kids are entitled to stay with you in the family home.

You have more than enough, from what you've said, to divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I know that sounds drastic, but believe me, you do have grounds for this - so you need to think long and hard about what you want.

Get to the CAB office as soon as poss. They will give you a list of solicitors who do free initial consulations.

I know you say you can't afford to leave - but for your health and happiness, and the future of your kids - you can't afford to stay.

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GypsyMoth · 04/06/2011 14:04

well,i would personally begin with showing him that list!!

give him a choice of either changing his ways or you will be changing yours......

a timescale on things perhaps?

if he shows no change,or indication of wanting to,then i would (actually did) start disengaging mentally and looking for ways to get out

you will need housing....so where/how?
then everything else that comes after will fall in.....but dont worry about what others think,they will likely have picked up on some of the things you listed anyway

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ScrotalPantomime · 04/06/2011 14:04

I hope you don't really believe the second half of your post. It sounds like it is him who makes you feel like that.

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