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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP has left

45 replies

hanaka88 · 03/06/2011 16:05

I didn't want to post on here about stuff in case DP saw as he says 'mumsnet is turning you mad you shouldn't go on it'
but this seems to be the last straw. DP had just started the car when a child walked behind it. I said 'watch out a kid has just walled behind the car' to which he shouted 'do you think I don't know?!?' I told him not to speak to me like that and he said I shouldn't speak to him at all and if I did he wouldn't listen :(

when we got home he got in his car and drove off.

I have been with him a year and a half an have known him ages but recently he has been snapping at me for anything; him knocking a drink over, me asking him how work is etc.

About a month ago I found him on a dating site for affairs and he said he didn't go on it he didn't know what it was. But with some dithering pressing he said he went on it to see what it was because someone from work told him to and if I didn't stop talking about it he would leave.

There are other things but I don't want to bore you.

Thing is I have a DS (ASD) who adores him (not his) and I love him and don't want it to be over but I don't know where to go from here!

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 03/06/2011 16:14

oh dear :(

i know all you can think about at the moment is how much you and your ds love him but he is not showing you respect and this is as important in a relationship. if he is like this now how will he be in a year, he will not suddenly wake up and think oh what a nasty man i am being as he is already putting the blame on you for his behaviour

him leaving now is the best thing you can not see that now because you are hurting but he is already emotionally bullying you adn it only gets worse and you will feel more and more unhappy as time goes in

Original poster
hanaka88 · 03/06/2011 16:21

Maybe your right. He was so nice in the beggining but now it just seems he snaps all the time. I know life with DS is hard... maybe he has just had enough. I dunno.

I have just quit my job too so I can care for DS more. Teaching and sleepless nights don't mix, and only have a TA job until December in the same school... I was stupid and thought we were stable.

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jellyvodkas · 03/06/2011 16:36

Sorry to say that the good behaviour period ,, i.e. first 18 months is kinda over and he now thinks he can psuh his weight around a bit more and speak to you any way he pleases....
Well, he cant and shouldnt.
Plus, he is trying too call the shots too.
Stand up to him and tell him this is not acceptable behaviour.
He better shape up or ship out.

Original poster
hanaka88 · 03/06/2011 16:40

When he left I sent him a text saying 'so your leaving me over me telling you there was a child behind your car, at least I know how you feel now'

I wish I hadn't sent it. He hasn't replied. What do I do now do I just wait?

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glasscompletelybroken · 03/06/2011 17:05

No - don't just wait. Unless he has serious issues going on in his life that just may excuse some of his behaviour then move on, he really isn't worth it.

Baggypussy · 03/06/2011 17:32

I think you've had a lucky escape tbh. How he's talking to you etc simply isn't on, and I think once he's been gone a while you'll realise that and be a lot happier that he's pissed off.

Good job he hasn't replied. Your dignity is in tact, and yes, I think you do now know how he feels about you telling him there's a child behind the car.

You have a lovely DS. Concentrate on your relationship with him. You may feel like shit for a few days, but this is nothing in comparison to being made to feel like shit by him for years to come.

...and you weren't stupid. We all make mistakes. I'm unlucky enough to still be living with mine..

Original poster
hanaka88 · 03/06/2011 17:40

Thanks everyone. He lives with me though, all his stuff is here. Do I text him and tell him it's over, get your stuff? Or do I just wait for him to ask?

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Smum99 · 03/06/2011 18:38

If a relationship have problems they will usually start to appear at around this time. I think if you `fix' this problem another one will appear soon.

I know it's hard to breakup but but maybe just accept that he isn't the one for you. Your ds will take his lead from you if you're Ok with it so will he.

heleninahandcart · 03/06/2011 18:43

He knows where his stuff is. He will be back, or at least back for his stuff. His behaviour is unacceptable, please do not start texting him, you will end up begging (yes you love him but if you are going to get any respect, this is not the way to go).

You are in shock now. Don't do anything, except be kind to yourself this evening. One step at a time.

clam · 03/06/2011 18:57

I'd keep the locks firmly turned so he cant' just waltz back in on his terms. Block his calls and let him stew about his stuff. Arrange a time at your convenience (preferably when you're not there. Could a friend deal with it?)that he can collect it.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 03/06/2011 20:03

hanaka, just SLOW DOWN!!!!!!

Am I right in thinking this all happened about 1.5 hours ago? Jesus, woman, but put the brakes on!!!

Your follow up text WAS confrontional, I think, don't think you should have sent it. but you did. So, as he's not yet replied, I think that you need to wait until you see HIM in RL before you decide what is going to happen. Have a couple of 'routes' decided, depending on how he behaves?

I agree with much of pps - come on - a dating site?? His bullshit excuse for being on there? You KNOW what is going on, girl...

PLEASE don't contact him again until you see him face to face. Don't even bother waiting up for him, alright! GO TO BED if he decides to really make a meal of being the big fuckwit by driving off on you (excuse me? Grow the FUCK up, man....) Then you can try to talk it through with him calmly tomorrow. And you know what is going on here, to be honest, don't you?.... Hopefully he will be able to have an adult conversation - at which point you and he can agree some groundrules - which may well involve you changing your behaviour? Does he have a reason for being arsey with you? (I only ask the question.... not meant ot be blaming you at all, trust me...)

But, if he is still arsey with you - call time on it. You owe him nothing, DO NOT be bitchy/shitty about it, retain the moral highground - because you definitely have it!!! - and tell him he's made his bed and can lie in it!!!! You and your son are the most important thing here!

PLEASE don't try texting and phoning him ad nauseum - it looks desparate - you've made contact once. That is enough. If he chooses not to respond, then that speaks volumes.

I wish you much luck.

Original poster
hanaka88 · 03/06/2011 20:07

I cracked and went to his mums where he was. He said he doesn't think it's working because I always talk to him like shit and he never does anything wrong it's all me. Then pushed me and slammed my car door on my hand.

I can't remember ever talking to him like shit. It feels so rubbish right now, I can't think when I might have ever done this and he never said anything before now.

I know I shouldn't have done that and I should have stood my ground but I hated feeling like I didn't know what was happening. Now I do. I'm a complete fool for trusting a man. I have kept him in my house, paying all the bills including food since September and now he wants out and I don't really know the real reason why!

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LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 03/06/2011 20:13

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

OK - maybe you did talk to him like shit?? Why the hell wasn't he telling you for 18 months??? What a crock!!

Look. What's done is done - he has hurt you (um, did he mean to, or was it just an accident that he probably is regretting? I only ask because something similar happened to me once and honestly, it WAS an accident, he never meant to, only because I moved at the same time as him....) and so that is going to make him VERY defensive, I should think. I know it did to my dp at the time, when I got hurt.

Maybe a good thing to start bagging up stuff - if it's done, it's done. Just try to exit with as much dignity as possible. How old is your child? Will they be picking up on vibes here? Set an example and leave him NO room to berate you after the event.

Much strength to you... Just retain your dignity. We're here if you need to vent.

Original poster
hanaka88 · 03/06/2011 20:17

I'm not sure. It could have been he just gets so angry and agressive sometimes but I don't think he wanted to hurt me. Last time it was the garden gate so maybe he is a slammer when he is cross.

DS is 5 in a couple of weeks but has ASD and other possible degenerate problems. He is picking up on what is happening and saying 'where is DP?' which is making everything painful as I don't know how to explain this to him when he doesn't understand much language as it is.

Thanks for your message

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clam · 03/06/2011 20:18

Look, he's behaving like an absolute shit because he wants out but isn't enough of a man to do it in a kind and decent way. So he will be re-writing history to justify his actions. Don't be believing him, honey!
Relationships do break down. Doesn't mean it's your fault. Or his, for that matter, although the dating sites business is pretty damning.
Learn from it, pick yourself up, and walk away. Be glad you're not married. Take care of yourself and your lovely boy.

balia · 03/06/2011 20:20

Well, at least now you know. So even though you feel terrible, you are on the road to recovery. Lucky escape, for you and your DS. Just sit in your living room and feel how good it is - peace, nobody to walk on eggshells for, nobody snapping at you. You'll be able to care for DS better now you haven't got another great big child to run around after.

Original poster
hanaka88 · 03/06/2011 20:20

Thank you clam. It's just going to be so hard on my own with DS.

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Original poster
hanaka88 · 03/06/2011 20:21

Thank you balia :)

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LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 03/06/2011 20:22

It may not be what one should write, but I am sorry that you've got to be SO doubly strong and supportive for your DS as well. 5 is a tiring age without additional needs...

So then concentrate on him and you. You're the unit. If he can't communicate so well via verbals, stick with the cuddles, actions, loving communication that he can understand and pick up on?

Bag up DPs stuff and tell him it's ready (outside? It's a dry weekend...) to collect. Focus on yourself and your baby boy. I agree with clam. Your DP is looking for ways to justify himself and you will be painted the villain in some way or other.

Can you call his mother and tell her to help her son collect his belongings?
x

Lizzabadger · 03/06/2011 20:27

Agree. Bag up his stuff, enjoy the peace and look after your child. He doesn't love you or want to be with you any more. By the sound of him you are much better off without him.

Original poster
hanaka88 · 03/06/2011 20:28

No not really his mum doesn't speak very good English (they are Chinese) and I don't want to frighten and confuse her.

I will concentrate on my DS now. I just feel so heart broken. It's like he isn't the man I used to know anymore and I feel like it's my fault. I tried my best for him. I paid all the bills, made him breakfast in bed every morning but somehow I still wasn't enough, I just think maybe I'm best off on my own forever.

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Lizzabadger · 03/06/2011 20:33

Were you born in 1988, i.e. are you 22-23? If so you are far too young to be thinking about being on your own forever.

Original poster
hanaka88 · 03/06/2011 20:40

Yes I'm 23. I feel about 60 though :(
one year ago I had a healthy child, a perfect man and was starting a new fantastic job.

Now I have to wait to see if my son will be able to progress or will regress forever, I had to stop teaching and become a TA so I can care for DS and now my man is leaving.

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FreudianSlipper · 03/06/2011 20:50

of course its your fault it will always be your fault he is never to blame for his actions and you push him to be nasty

this is always what abusive men say and believe. let him leave man like this will make you miserable and you deserve better

have you any support regarding your son?

Original poster
hanaka88 · 03/06/2011 22:00

Hi slip. Well I go to the hospital with him and he is statemented at school and he has a disability nurse but I haven't really spoken about it all much to anyone

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