DP has left

[hanaka88]

I didn't want to post on here about stuff in case DP saw as he says 'mumsnet is turning you mad you shouldn't go on it'
but this seems to be the last straw. DP had just started the car when a child walked behind it. I said 'watch out a kid has just walled behind the car' to which he shouted 'do you think I don't know?!?' I told him not to speak to me like that and he said I shouldn't speak to him at all and if I did he wouldn't listen :(

when we got home he got in his car and drove off.

I have been with him a year and a half an have known him ages but recently he has been snapping at me for anything; him knocking a drink over, me asking him how work is etc.

About a month ago I found him on a dating site for affairs and he said he didn't go on it he didn't know what it was. But with some dithering pressing he said he went on it to see what it was because someone from work told him to and if I didn't stop talking about it he would leave.

There are other things but I don't want to bore you.

Thing is I have a DS (ASD) who adores him (not his) and I love him and don't want it to be over but I don't know where to go from here!

Are you in contact with NAS? I know they have a helpline who can provide some counselling support. It is hard, but if you can get support things will look brighter.

Also don't look at it as having given up teaching but as taking a break (and it will help you be a much better teacher long term).

i think the link mummytime gave you may help you get the emotional support you need regardless of what else is going on its a difficult time for you

and agree look at this as a little break, its not forever you will go back to teaching

Thank you for the link, I feel a bit better this morning just tired

@OP, just checking in to see how you are.
Thinking of you.

Give us an update when you get time. I guess you're busy sorting everything out atm.

Non-MN type 'hug' (but doing it subtlely, because I wouldn't want to be seen as a touchy-feeling NetMum type!!!)

We have spoken today when he came back. He says he doesn't want to leave but I'm not sure what I want. It seems like there are a lot of things like this going on and there is something he isn't telling me...

He text his friend yesterday asking to see the 'new premesis' of his business... Well he told me that was where he was for half a day the other week :S when I asked him he just said they had moved buildings aain...in a matter of weeks?

Yes but why are you already letting him call the shots? If he is behaving like this, then why bother telling you 'he doesn't want to leave'.

Oh - yes - that's because you're paying for EVERYTHING. How about you ask him to start making a (large?) contribution to monthly outgoings - see how he behaves then. That may well give you more clarity on the situation.

I just think that there is a LOT more to this than meets the eye, and I am not sure that you should be continuing if you're not totally clear on what his motives are. Your best interests and the emotional love and support that is reasonable to expect from a DP do NOT seem to be high on his motive list atm.
Sorry, but that's just how I'm reading it at the moment.

I would really push the financial contribution part and see how he responds.

Again - very good luck with it all!

I have kept him in my house, paying all the bills including food since September and now he wants out and I don't really know the real reason why

We have spoken today when he came back. He says he doesn't want to leave

I bet he doesnt, now he has weighed up the benefits of you being a mug and supporting him.

You (and your son) are better off without a sponger like this. He is working, so where has he been spending all his money?

If you let him back, I guarantee from what you have posted about him, he will be cheating on you, if he isnt already doing so.

I will ask him to contribute more I think. Especially since I will be taking a pay cut this month.

I told him last night that because of all the lies I think he cheated on me and if there is one more
lie I'm packing my bags. I think this shocked him as he would normally shout at me for this but he just said he understood that it was the lies and that he was sorry.

hanaka

Please do not take this the wrong way but why are you bargaining with him like this?. He has never truly been honest with you from day 1 and you have doormat written on your head.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You cannot keep this person in your life just because your son likes him and you don't want to be on your own. Its not going to work.

If you take him back you're likely to be making a huge mistake. He'll be okay now till the next time he turns nasty and there will be a next time. Furthermore he could well now become the overall cause of one of the unhappiest times of your life and you're allowing it to happen.

You don't have to pack your bags; he should go anyway.

You can do better; raise your own bar here regarding relationships.

I think your right. And I think your all right about the money issues. We just went out to buy DSs birthday presents and we paid on his card as the cash machine wasn't working. Since then (about 4 hours ago) he has constantly been asking how much does he have to pay and how much will I give him back.

Also as I was trying to do the end of year reports for my class (the new teacher won't know them well enough) I said he could tidy up. He said 'what, just me?' so I said 'yes, I am working' well he did it but constantly swore and eventualy said 'no you need to help me'

I am starting to realise I need to be stronger.

Blimey. You know what. I'm going to say it. I think he sounds just dreadful. Are you his mother or something? How selfish is he - can't he even tidy up without your help?

This man is NOT GENEROUS in terms of time, money or his spirit. Please. You're only 22/23. Why are you putting up with him?

Just throw him out. Go on. See how much lighter your spirit feels after a week without him. I bet you are seeing his faults in EVERYTHING he does now - and it doesn't look like he's going to change time soon, even after all that has happened this weekend. After all the turmoil - he is STILL complaining at you about having to tidy up?

Really?? You can't see this for what it is???? Please. Throw him out. Pull a sickie tomorrow, he goes off to work and you drive all his stuff round to his mother. What will he do? Bitch at you? That's going to make a change. (And I'm a 2ndary school teacher - believe me, I GET the implications of staff pulling a sick day!)

Hanaka. I think you need to start thinking about relationships in a different way.
My rule of thumb is "How much positive is this relationship adding to my life". A relationship should add to your life, not be a drain, a stress, make you unhappy or dent your self esteem. It doesn't sound like this relationship has been doing this for a very long time.
Also a relationship is about mutual give and take. It sounds like you have been doing all the giving and he has been doing all the taking. Relationships like that are bad for self esteem.
You need to start thinking about YOU...what you feel and what you want is important.
What do YOU want out of a relationship? Make a list. Take a long cold hard look at this relationship and how it measures up against what you want - be honest...don't take an idealised view of it or indulge in wishful thinking. If there is any chance that you might want to continue with this relationship make sure it is on your terms. It is your house and you have DS to think of.
You need to get strong over this.

Lecture over! Honestly, just trying to offer some support. I've been there too; it's a steep learning curve. Best wishes.

Excellent post Selks

I think your right I need to get my head around things and start seriously thinking. There are many positives like the way he is with DS. He helps a lot and is good with him, which is no walk in the park as his behaviour is extremely challenging still (almost 5, mental age of 2 and ASD)

update...I let him back, and he left again last night, taking half of his things with him. Haven't heard from him since. Was sent home from work because I'm a wreck. I don't know what to do. I just can't stop crying.

Hanaka

You need to distance yourself, both physically and emotionally from this man.

If not for your sake, then for your son. ASD children need calm, stable home environments, not the arguments and physical fights mentioned in your posts.

On the subject of physical fights; this man is being violent to you. It's not clumsiness or 'loss of control' which causes him to spill drinks on you, slam doors and gates on you. He doesn't do this to anyone else, I'll bet.

Bet it's 'your fault' as well, you've got in the way of the door, you should know better then to be around him when he's angry,you wind him up.

All of this is self-justification bullshit on his part He's hurting you in order to intimidate and control you. This will escalate from 'accidentally' hurting you to deliberate acts of violence.

And it will still be 'all your fault'.

Please, please dump the rest of his stuff on the doorstep, get in friends/family for RL support and concentrate on you and your son.

I let my abusive exH back so many times. I believed he was going to change. I thought that I wouldn't be able to cope on my own. I thought that I loved him.

In the end I was able to see the damage he was doing,and leave for good. I just wish that it hadn't taken 5 years, countless trips to hospital and a stay in a Woman's Refuge to reach that point

I know cognitive I've been there before. which is why this time Im thinking maybe it is actually me.
I know i need to distance myself now. I deleted his number off my phone so i couldnt cave again...but i miss him so much it hurts. I'm a total wreck and i dont even know why because he obviously didnt love me.

in the past 12 months I have lost so much. I don't know how to carry on without having a major meltdown. I cant have a breakdown because DS needs me. How do I stay strong? I dont have many family or friends due to Ds's condition.

Hanaka

It's not you or your fault. Abusive men are very good at finding vulnerable women and eroding their confidence and self-reliance. Once you're feeling a bit stronger (it will happen, trust me, and sooner then you think) look into getting some therapy for yourself. You need to explore why you are choosing to remain in abusive relationships

Take care of yourself and your son.

that's a good question cognitive. I didn't think of it as me choosing but i guess that's just what it is.