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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am such a fucking moron

39 replies

HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/06/2011 21:15

Just had phone sex...and it wasn't with my husband.

Marriage is at an all time low and currently can't see what miracle will put it back on track.

Old colleague (always been a spark (or whatever it's called) between us, he's 17 years older than me & divorced) text me today saying how much he was looking forward to me coming back to work on Monday and it just went from there.

I'm torn, was possibly one of the most erotic experiences of my life but I've just cheated and I've always had the opinion that is one of the most deceitful, despicable things you can do to another human being.

I don't even know what I'm asking from you, just need to tell someone, anyone got a time machine to take me back an hour?

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 02/06/2011 21:18

i would say that if you want to have any chance of saving your marriage there is no way you should be going to work with this man on monday!

Original poster
HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/06/2011 21:19

Agreed, luckily he's miles and miles away, our paths will only cross if I do a project in that Region which I can ask not to.

I am literally shaking I am so cross with myself.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 02/06/2011 21:22

At least you feel guilt be more worrying if you didn't.

jesuswhatnext · 02/06/2011 21:28

tbh i think you are playing with fire even with that distance - he has just made a right mug of you - he knows you are married, saw you were low and took his chance, he got his rocks off and now you have to live with it - i know i couldnt carry on within the same company as a man like that, he WILL tell people you know!

fizzfiend · 02/06/2011 21:33

Well it sounds like this was a wake up call for you...one that you needed. Sounds like you want your marriage to work which maybe you weren't sure about before. So tackle it...talk to DH, go to counselling, etc. Be prepared...he may be resistant..many British men are, especially the older generation.

I took the alternative route and threw myself into an affair when my DH put up an invisible brick wall and refused to discuss matters, never mind have counselling. I don't regret it...affair over, marriage over, but it woke me up out of my stupor which a lot of us find outselves in.

Don't beat yourself up...you're only human. And only the thought police can catch you at the moment. Now tackle your issues...good luck.

Original poster
HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/06/2011 21:35

Definitely playing with fire but what can I do? How could he possibly know I was low, literally no-one knows that, H and I are just carrying on with the ridiculous pretence.

Jesus didn't even think he'd tell someone, doesn't come across as that sort of guy (or am I being totally naive?).

With a 12 year career under my belt leaving the company is not an option!!

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/06/2011 21:36

Thanks fizzfiend

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shesgotherlipstickon · 02/06/2011 21:41

A bloke who offers up phone sex like this at the drop of a hat, has usually done it 100s of times before, and knows what they are doing.

They are always the ones to brag about Anna in accounts and her dirty ways. So Erm, yeah, he probably will tell. Bragging rights.

jesuswhatnext · 02/06/2011 21:47

yep! naive! you surely dont honestly think he will keep this to himself?

thumbwitch · 02/06/2011 21:51

So you feel bad that you have done something that you consider to be despicable - but how does it affect your feelings about your marriage and DH? Does it make you want to continue to stay in the relationship, or shake it up and do something about it?

I agree that the work colleague will probably brag about it, sorry. But that's what happens - question is, what do you want to do about it with regards to your DH? Tell him to jolt him? Pretend it never happened and hope word doesn't ever get back to him? Or what?

Because things must have got desperate for you to go against your own feelings so strongly, surely?

fizzfiend · 02/06/2011 21:54

You're welcome..I always think that people that come on here with questions need answers rather than a judge and jury! Not that I could do either with my dodgy credentials!

Anyway, just wanted to add that men who like phone/text sex are not necessarily promiscuous and sleezebags. He's an older guy...doubt he's going to go running around the mail room saying "betcha can't guess what I did last night." I mean, come on! Phone sex is pretty vanilla these days anyway with all the phones/webcams around, etc.

Don't second guess what he's going to do. Just get on with trying to repair your marriage. I hope it works for you. Mine was dead in the water before I even contemplated anything else, but that's just me!

Omigawd · 02/06/2011 22:00

If colleague is a person who likes you he probably won't brag (in short term anyway) and is even less likely to name names, doesn't exactly make him look great either. Also company relationships happen and un-happen all the time.

I'd put the incident down to a momentary lapse of good old human weakness, and not beat yourself up too much.

Bigger issue is now its happened what d'you want to do wuth the home situation. I suspect this is a symptom (a relief valve?) of a deeper malaise

Original poster
HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/06/2011 22:09

You are spot on Omigawd, every second my mind isn't occupied I torture myself with what is happening with my marriage, why I want to stay, why I want to go.

He's knows I am married, can only hope he has a shred of decency about him and doesn't blab. Should I text him and ask him not to (or something like that) or does that look tragic?

I was so shaken up about this I didn't even remember to name change on here - doh!

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Omigawd · 03/06/2011 00:03

Hard toknow re text as i don't knowtheperson, but I woudnt do anything until tomorrow, sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow.

totallylost · 03/06/2011 00:14

ok forget the phone stuff, what are the problems in your marriage?

buzzsore · 03/06/2011 08:28

I wouldn't text/call to ask him not to tell, it just reveals a weakness to exploit if he's not a nice person. (He could use it against you to blackmail you to repeat the performance or something). Especially not a text which he could keep.

Hold your head up high and never refer to it again, never revisit it with him. It's like it never happened. If he brings it up or tries to start again, just say "can't/won't go there again".

I don't think there's an awful lot of mileage in bragging rights over phone sex, so I doubt he'd spread it all over the workplace. You can brazen it out if he does tell at work, just laugh it off as banter ie. "You didn't think I was serious?!! Harhar".

As for your relationship with your dh, I don't know. But that ^'s my advice for work.

Original poster
HollyBollyBooBoo · 03/06/2011 08:51

You are such lovely, lovely people, thankyou so much for all your advice and just for generally talking to me about it.

Barely got any sleep last night thinking about it all, woke up to a text message from him just saying how lovely last night was for him (he didn't ask for a repeat performance or anything, it wasn't sordid), I just deleted it.

Yeah marriage issue is the key thing here and I just need to work it all out in my head. H has cut short an international assignment to come back to UK to work it all out so I know he wants to, just need to see if I do.

Somedays I just can't help thinking I'd like to be 21 again with no responsibilities and my life infront of me.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 03/06/2011 10:15

Did you tell your husband then, Holly? You say he's flying back to work it all out. I'm not sure I would have told him.

Original poster
HollyBollyBooBoo · 03/06/2011 10:36

Nooooo way have I told him! H was already talking to his boss about coming back ostensibly because we need to work this out one way or another.

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sugarjunkie · 03/06/2011 11:47

I was surprised that everyone immediately assumed that phonesex respondent was an automatic bragging sleezey-scumalicious a*hole.

He may have been very interested in you for a very long time and saw this as an opportunity to demonstrate that in the hope of it leading further. OK, that's obviously not an option - but he didn't know that at the time.

Also, I'd very much doubt if he'd have anything to blab about. In my experience all men are at the helm of driving such massive egos that they are looking to preserve they'd automatically be reluctant to say anything that could or may reflect badly on themselves.

They are very simple after all.

ChippingIn · 03/06/2011 12:08

I would reply to the text - something along the lines of 'Yes it was fun/lovely, but highly inappropriate & I can't go there again. I hope we can continue to work together without this getting in the way'. There is no value in asking him not to say anything because either he's not the kind of guy to do that or if he is he'd just laugh at your text. Just because you regret it, it doesn't mean you have to treat him like it was all his fault & ignore his texts - how would you feel if it was the other way around? I know he's a bloke, but they do have feelings too you know...

As for things with DH - try to ignore the practicalities and social expectations and think about what you would actually like to happen (that is realistic). It's hard :(

I hope you can work out what will make you happy.

thumbwitch · 03/06/2011 12:09

oh I dunno about that, sugarjunkie - I once embarrassed myself thoroughly by turning down some middle-aged bloke's advances by telling him I was frigid. He promptly told all the rest of the group that we were with that I had said that, much to my chagrin - they all thought it was hilarious. Blush

Original poster
HollyBollyBooBoo · 03/06/2011 12:39

Good point ChippingIn, I have known him for ages and don't think he's a sleezebag, might plagiarise your words and reply.

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buzzsore · 03/06/2011 12:44

Oh don't reply by text - or if you do, make absolutely sure you delete everything. I think you'd be much much better off just deleting his text, not replying, cutting all contact except for what you have to do professionally. You'll end up getting caught out or you'll end up getting into a text dialogue you'll regret.

ChippingIn · 04/06/2011 17:53

Buzzsore - I completely disagree. It is not fair to treat someone else badly because you regret what you did. One text saying that is a lot less 'harmful' that what they have already text to each other. I'm sure HollyBolly has the sense to delete everything.