Help it looks like I'm going on holiday alone with kids

[steelchic]

My H moved out in Feb a week after we booked a family holiday to the Algarve.
We are still on talking terms he sees our 2 DC (11 & 7) nearly every day, we have days out and family meals together. At one point I thought we would get back together but as time goes on its looking less likely.
He is seeing someone else. I know she is the reason he left, he denies this and says our relationship was on its last legs before he met her.
They don't live together (to be honest I don't know what kind of relationship they have - no one in his family or his friends know anything about her and he is here most weekends taking DC's to their various activities.
To cut a long story short, the holiday is booked and paid for.
I keep asking if he intends to come with us, he keeps saying he has to think about it. He claims he doesn't what to give the DC's the wrong impression that we are back together. But we do all the usual family stuff together anyway (parents night cimema days out etc).
I know the real reason is he dosen't want to tell his GF he is off for 2 weeks with his family.
I don't want to be on my own abroad with 2 kids. I will feel so lonely (just as I feel every day only with the sun).
Please does anyone have any positive stories about holidaying alone with kids.

11 and 7? GREAT! Go for it, you will have a great time! You won't be lonely, you'll be with your DC!

If I were you, if you are worried, invite a friend to go with you, Hell'd freeze over before I'd allow H to go!

I was going to suggest asking a friend. Stuff him, why should he get to go on a lovely holiday with you and the dc's!!

Thanks for your replies.
I'm just taking this break up so hard and he have always had lovely holidays together. I'm just worried I will be miserable and the kids won't have a good time if I'm upset and comparing things to last year and missing him.
I keep panicing thinking of things that I know won't happen ie. what if I take ill - silly I know
None of my friends can come (not that I have that many) they are all in relationships or have work commitments
xx

If you were taken ill on holiday you would go to hospital and arrangements would be made by the tour operator to look after your children who are hardly toddlers. Tell him he is not invited or just stop mentioning it. It's over. Move on. He sounds like a gitwizard. Well rid. :)

Get good travel insurance and stop fretting, you'll have an amazing time and it can be the start of your new life as a single lady. :)

I agree, go on holiday! It might be a bit scary to go on your own but it's good to do scary things sometimes. I bet you'll come back feeling like you can achieve anything!

You need to start moving on (hard I know) but what better way to do it! You also need to show him that you aren't dependant on him anymore. He has chosen to leave and you can't do anything about that but you can start living your life.

Go on holiday with your DC. And dont ask your husband again.

Get some self respect and kick his backside into touch!

I can understand how upsetting this break up is for you, but as long as you all keep playing 'happy families' he will keep you dangling.

You and the DC will be fine, infact more than fine, you will have a great time. GO and have fun.

Use the opportunity to allow him to miss you and the DCs, sounds like you also need some self confidence, research the place you are going to and plan your days before you go and takes lots of books with you for the evenings but honestly you'll end up meeting others there and will have a great time

I'm married but have been on holiday with DS a number of times without DH. Make sure you all have up to date E111 and good travel insurance, some good books and treats and go for it. I have been ill abroad with DS when he was little (much younger than your children) and everyone was really lovely. Absolutely go for it - it will show your children how well you are coping and your DH that you have moved on.

Go. Forget about being dependent on H for managing. It might be strange at first but you will re-discover the joy of doing things by yourself. You will feel so much better about EVERYTHING when you get back.

Get practical, lots of good books for when DC are in bed in the evening, check wine in fridge BEFORE they are asleep, take DVDs/load up laptop with films before you go. Kids films as well just in case you all want downtime, your films to indulge yourself. Don't feel guilty about kids watching DVDs on holiday. It will do you all good for quiet times.

Now go and enjoy it, the sense of accomplishment you will get will really boost your confidence.

in bed in the evening helen? it's the algarve they'll prob have a mid pm snooze and be lingering over a meal and drinks or having a stroll until late late late!
op I know where you are coming from, and it's hardly helping you that you ex is being so disingenuous about his new setup, whatever it is. It won't be like your previous family holidays - but on the other hand you won't be walking on eggshells or wondering if he is texting his gf. We all have a tendency to idealise the past - my advice would be remember the really horrible times at the end of your relationship, and the way he treated you, whenever you feel a burst of nostalgia coming on.
As for the practical side, I've never taken my dc abroad (yet) but as the most impractical person you could ever hope to meet I've managed to put up a tent and survive the odd week in a field with them. It's empowering, and fun!
Start stocking up on sundresses, swimwear and high factor suncream! and look forward to it!

That's really sad Steel.

I often travel with my kids on my own as I'm from Australia, so take them over there myself without my husband travelling with me, to get more time at home. {We're in the UK}

I know you're probably more concerned about the emotional aspect of it, but just wanted to give you a pep talk about logistics if it helps.
The good news is that the thought of travelling with the kids alone is a lot more terrifying than the reality!
Think of it as just what you do every day really by yourself, just in a lovely holiday house / hotel. :)

Have a down time / rest after lunch each day and then you'll be able to go out for dinner with them in the evening.

Hope you have a really great time, and it helps to build your confidence about being without him. :)

go on your own with them!

but ask your friends - even if they married etc one of them may be glad of a change of scene!

your Dc old enough they dont need constant watching like a toddler - you can all have a great time

Thanks for all your great comments. I'm starting to feel better about the prospect of going alone thanks to you lot xxx

that is good to read Steel you can do it. It will be an adventure.

Go, and have a great time. You certainly wont be the only single parent out there, and it wont be a problem going to a bar in the evening with the kids, as there will be loads of other families, including single parents there too for you to chat to.

If you did become ill, the Algarve is only a short flight from the UK, and if there was an emergency it would not take long for someone to get to you, in fact no longer than if you were a couple of hundred miles from home in the UK.

Of course you can do it, and the three of you will have a lovely time. As someone above said, this is the start of new holidays for your re-shaped family. Also better to have him not there than there if he doesn't wanna be, with a face ache like no tomorrow!!!

Thanks again for all your coments.
I still don't know if he intends coming and we're due to fly off in 3 weeks. We had a lovely day today with the kids and he has just left to go home.
When we're together it's so weird as we get on well and it's like we're still together. No one apart from a few friends and our families know that we have split up.
I asked him before he went if he had thought anymore about the holiday. He said not really as he has had alot on his mind with other things lately!!!

I told him I need to know so I can sort out tranfers to hotel, insurance etc. And that I also need to get my head soterd one way or the other.
What can his problem be? There seems to be no sign of the GF this weekend
and I'm not sure if he saw her over the last couple of weekends (she lives 150 miles away) As he has been with me and the kids loads over the last 3 weekends.
Could it be she's dumped him? And he's waiting to see if they get back together.
If so I will be pissed off as he has always said the kids would always come first

Steel

Have been in exactly the same H and OW situation.

I was really crap and soft and it has done me no good long term.

Tell him he is not coming on the holiday as he is messing you around and go yourself.

If you stand strong and make a great new life for yourself including holidays it does 2 things: you have the best situation for yourself if you dont get back together and you make yourself a much more attractive person for him or anyone to be with. When you dated before your marriage it wasnt attractive to be a tearful clingy sad person. Well it isnt attractive to him now either.

As I say I know its shocking and awful and the most painful thing - been there. Had adrenaline running for over 9 months when I found out, couldnt stop sweating. Bent over backwards and further to accomodate him. To no result

Please learn from it and be asssertive with him and dont let him walk all over you

If I were you I'd just tell him you are going alone and get on with it - nagging him about it is demeaning. Also it is much better not to appear desperate and dependent - you're allowing him to take you for granted

Mumfun said it so much better! Do NOT ask him again!!

And also my H said the kids came first - but they didnt

And he was here nearly every weekend and still seeing her. She had accepted that his kids came first and he was clear about that.

Except they didnt. He came first, he still does. Selfish selfish person

Cant tell from your posts but if he having some sort of crisis due to his age ie midlife crisis this site was a godsend to me www.midlifeforum.com . A lot of posters talk a lot of sense also just about the situation with affairs

Please don't let him treat you with such disrespect. He is with another woman. How nice for him that he gets to have his cake AND eat it - nice family life and then off home to her.

Even if he does come on holiday it won't make everything better. You'll just be proving to him yet further that there is nothing he can do that would make you stop welcoming him into your life.

You seem very in denial about everything. Of course you are. But you can't stay so for ever.

"I know she is the reason he left, he denies this and says our relationship was on its last legs before he met her." - Or maybe he feels your relationship really is over regardless of her?

"I know the real reason is he dosen't want to tell his GF he is off for 2 weeks with his family" - or maybe he just doesn't want to come?

Poor you, it sounds like you don't really know where you stand. I know it sounds scary going away with just your DCs but you will enjoy yourselves.

Mine were the same age as yours when we first went away on our own, and we all remember it as being the best holiday we've had (it was Florida though!).

It will give you loads of confidence and bring you and you DCs even closer. You may want to give your H a deadline (say a couple of days) to decide, then just go for it.

Good luck

steelchic, you need to stop trying to guess what he is doing with his time - ie. whether or not him and his GF have broken up. He is no longer your partner and your relationship is over - it's so hard, I know, but you are not allowing yourself to move forward here. It's actually not good for your kids in the long run, What your children are seeing (and what they will see if this continues) is that you are prepared to wait and hope that he will come back to you - while he does what he likes. That is not a good model for them - they need to have clarity. He is right - it's confusing for them and it's better they get to accept what is happening.

He is with someone else - you can't keep on having family holidays with him. That's not a sustainable way to live - and your holiday would be nothing like the holidays you had when you were together. You need, in your own heart and mind, to see this is over for now.

He obviously doesn't want to come - so why would you want him there? I really feel for you, but it's not fun to have someone with you, who would rather be elsewhere with is girlfriend. And - it's not about putting the kids first - you aren't together, and in the future you will have to plan holidays without him. Could friends fly out for a day or two?

Imagine being on holiday with him, with him sneeking off to text/ call - if he no longer wants to eb with you, how can you spend two weeks together, having dinner/ him sleeping in another room - it will be torture.....

see this as a chance to move on and accept its over....he is trying to comfort you by spending time with you and getting on - that doesnt mean he wants to be with you. because if he did, he would be and he isn't.

you have a wonderful life ahead without him, remember how unhappy the relationship was and try to move forward. If anything, I would even say cancel the holiday if you really think you wotn enjoy it.