Help it looks like I'm going on holiday alone with kids

[steelchic]

My H moved out in Feb a week after we booked a family holiday to the Algarve.
We are still on talking terms he sees our 2 DC (11 & 7) nearly every day, we have days out and family meals together. At one point I thought we would get back together but as time goes on its looking less likely.
He is seeing someone else. I know she is the reason he left, he denies this and says our relationship was on its last legs before he met her.
They don't live together (to be honest I don't know what kind of relationship they have - no one in his family or his friends know anything about her and he is here most weekends taking DC's to their various activities.
To cut a long story short, the holiday is booked and paid for.
I keep asking if he intends to come with us, he keeps saying he has to think about it. He claims he doesn't what to give the DC's the wrong impression that we are back together. But we do all the usual family stuff together anyway (parents night cimema days out etc).
I know the real reason is he dosen't want to tell his GF he is off for 2 weeks with his family.
I don't want to be on my own abroad with 2 kids. I will feel so lonely (just as I feel every day only with the sun).
Please does anyone have any positive stories about holidaying alone with kids.

Elliott & Mumfun , thanks for your answers I know you both are right BUT, I think if I told him I didn't want him to come that would let him off the hook. He would tell everyone it was my decision for him not to come.
TBH I don't want to make it easy for him I want him to either tell his GF he's off with his family for 2 weeks (I want her to feel a bit of what I've been feeling) or for him to feel really bad as he tells his kids he dosen't want to go on holiday with us.
I've made everything easy for him, when we split we told the kids "mummy and daddy aren't getting on so daddy is moving out for a bit"( NOT Dad is a selfish bastard going through some mid life crisis and has been shagging someone else for the past few months).
It has to be his decision because it will be explained to the kids as" mummy and daddy think its better if daddy dosen't come on holiday"

And he also would get 2 weeks to spend doing whatever with her !!

Waterrat, I hear what you are saying I know I need to move on and I know I'm in denial. I think its the thought of statting again I'm 48 (I don't feel or look old ) but were do you start. I was on my own with my oldest daughter (25) for 11 years until I met DH(we were together 14 years married for 9) I just loved being part of a family (a happy family). I know you may think I'm clutching at straws but one day I think he will regret this.

Mumfun
I'll have a look at that web site. I think he is having some sort of mid life crisis. He has changed so much over the last 12/18 months. He has went from being easy going to a grummpy old git xx

Its a truely shit situation BUT whether he comes with you or not now, it is still not going to be the holiday it was going to be when you booked it.

Things have changed. That holiday you booked does not exist.

What does exist is a fantastic opportunity for you to push yourself out of comfort zone and discover a new type of holiday with your DC. You WILL without doubt come home feeling so much better for having done it on your own. You really will.

If he comes with you, he will be sloping off to do texting make calls etc and it will hurt and piss you off. Create tension and a bad atmosphere. If you get on brilliant when away - you will also feel a double whammy kick in the teeth when you get back to real life and he pisses off back to her upon return. With regards as to whether or not he is still seeing her - does it matter? really? If he and her had split, he has had the last few weekends to make a mends with you and he has not botherd has he? Sorry to be blunt but if he was sure wanted to be with you, he has plenty of opportunity to tell you. This holiday isnt going to change that in reality - and I think deep down you know that.

I appreciate you dont want to hand him 2 weeks on a plate to stay in the Uk with "her" but dont think of it like that. Think of it as being a wonderful chance for you and your DC to have some quality time together.

Personally I would go alone with the kids. However, have you actually asked friends if they would join you? Or have you just assumed they wont because of their family comitments? If you dont ask - you have zero chance of anyone coming with you (thats said I think you would be wise to go it alone).

My kids are 12 and 10 and I have been holidaying on my own with them pretty much every summer since my eldest was 5 due to DHs job cocking up our holiday every sodding year. It can be daunting. It can be scary but you just need to plan ahead and think about how you may now spend the evenings (for example) with the kids and make sure you have water, snacks etc in your hotel room incase you cannot pop out if the kids are in bed before you.

At the ages your kids are - you will have a wonderful time together. If you do go alone with the kids - make sure you block out that this was once a planned family holiday with your H, dont go comparing. Just set out on this new adventure with your kids. Plan with them where they want to go and what they want to see. Perhaps book the trips to the waterparks or where ever. Make it Yours and the kids holiday.

You will without doubt feel so much better about yourself and more confident if you do this.

Thanks Mrstwat, I know I will be going on my own. He's just not man enough to tell us hes not coming. I know I will be fine I've been on holiday alone with my older daughter abroad lots before I met DH but I alway took my mum along - tbh that was like having another child with me anyway. I think what I most worried about is comparing this holiday with all our previous holidays (I dwell on things quite a bit). I just wish he would tell me . Its true what you say if he slopes off to call her I'll be pissed off (even if he's sloped off but not calling / txtn her I'll think thats what he's doing) and If we have a great time and he still dosen't want to come back, it will make me feel worse .
Thanks again ladies for your wise words xxx

Holyshmoley
Thanks for your reply xx
I think thats the way I'm starting to look at it. I need to get organised I usually have all holiday shopping in at this stage, but I haven't even bought a tube of sun cream as yet. I haven't even talked about the holiday to my DC'S yet but nows the time to start planning trips etc its not fair to them they should be looking forward to it and getting excited

He really is having his cake, eating it and making a trifle out of it. You will have a wonderful time on your own with the kids. If he isn't there it will be less stressful. He walked out so he Shouldnt be welcome. Do you have a sibling or friend you could take? Or your mum?
If you want him back it's best to create a distance so he can see what he is missing.
The holiday will be great they are such lovely ages and you will have a huge amount of fun...

Go for it, you won't regret it! I'm just recently separated also and just back from a sun holiday with my 4 year old dd. I was apprehensive about going by myself with dd, but by god, I felt a great sense of achievement and you will too. My dd had a great time. If your DC are happy you will be.

Chat to others - that's what I did, loads of company during the day. I won't lie to you, the night times were a bit lonely but I brought dd's DVD player and I had a few films for myself to keep me entertained....just what I would do at home.

You'll have a great time.

Steelchic, sorry I just read through all the posts now. You most definately should go on this holiday without him. My ex left us for someone else also and I know it feels like sh*t, but you should do this for your own self confidence. Like me, you are now single and it's time get on with your life without him - easier said than done, I know. This holiday would be the first step. As I said you most definatley won't regret it.

Applehead
God no not my mum poor love is 80 with dementia (mild/ moderate ) My oldest daughter was trying to come but she can't get the time off work she is a social worker and there are a lot of people in her department off at the same time and they need a certain amount of cover. If she managed to get a few days off can anyone advise me how it works with the hotel etc we booked a package through on the beach. Could we get one of the flights changed ,even one way and would the hotel be ok with someone other than the named person being in the apartment. H booked the holiday so eveything goes to his e mail and he is the lead name.

newhorizons
I admire you for going with a 4 year old. Good for you. I know I will feel great at going it alone. And hopefully he will miss us and it may make him think about things. I'm going to look at this as a new beginning xx

Sorry about your mum. It would be great if your eldest could go. I have no idea about how to change that stuff. I would go back to the travel agent and ask or email them. I would be tempted to be honest... and say the bastard has run off with someone what would you suggest... hopefully you would get a nice female member of staff who would help you out. Or be more discreet than me and just say your circumstances have changed. You are going to have such a good time I suspect my holiday will be dragging the kids to the nearest dog poo park!

Thanks Applehead I hope you have at least some nice days out with your kids xx

goodluck steel - its so painful starting again - if you think he will regret it, then let him have the chance to think he has really lost you. I know how you feel, not wanting to give him time to be with her - but if that's going to happen, it will whether or not he comes on holiday. And if that's what he is actually wanting in his heart, it doesnt matter where he is - you dont want a man there on sufferance - it only matters if he chooses to come because he really wants to.

The nice guy you are seeing on days out with the family is still the man who betrayed you - the happy families may allow him to feel less guilty but its stopping you moving on...

good luck with it, just because you were on your own for a long time before you met him, it doesn't mean it will be the same again..

xx

also - it's not kind what he is doing, leaving you dangling about the holiday. His comment that he hasn't been thinking about it is not kind to you - and it's just rude, he should say what he really thinks - and if he doesn't want to go, you need to know that.

Try and look at him in a cold light and see these behaviours as those of a man who right now, is not who you need him to be. He is behaving like an arse - maybe he will come to his senses - but until he does, you can stop putting up with it and let him know you are going to get on with life without him.

Hi Waterrat,
I know he feels guilty and thats why he spends so much time with us and it's always at his suggestion I deliberatly don't ask him to do things with the kids or me as I don't want to appear pushy or clingy.
Take today came over at 9am took DS to football training, came back we all went to school fete, then we all went to DS football medal presentation then came home and had a BBQ. Tomorrow he is coming over at 10.30 am for DS football match then taking both DC's swimming.All his suggestions.
He spends more time with them now than he did before. I don't know why he hasn't made it public knowledge that we have seperated. It's awkward when the other dads from football phone for him and I make some excuse about him not being in or when people from school (fete today) asume that we're one big happy family. I suppose his guilt is making it hard for me to move on as I'm hoping its cos he wants to spend time with us not just guilt xx

Waterrat
I just read your last coment, I realise he is a selfish coward, I've got to move on thanks for your advice xxx