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Original poster

DH versus my family

37 replies

bestmother1 · 01/06/2011 20:38

Help! my DH has fallen out with my sisters' husbands and my brother. The details don't matter, but he feels wronged by them,` and emailed them to tell them so in very strong terms - did then follow up with an email recognising that his first email been had been a bit strong (though he still feels hurt by their original behaviour). This has not been resolved between them (one BIL has tried a bit, the others have said nothing). I think it likely that DH overreacted in the first place, he seems very easily to feel taken for granted. have told him this, of course he woould much rather I saw his point of view entirely (I'm not saying the others don't carry some responsibilty). Am finding it very difficult to be caught in the middle, DH said I was "too nice" to the one BIL who did phone up, though I carefully avoided talking about the emotional stuff in that phone call. Spoke to one of my sisters about it in desperation before I really had it out with DH, and he now feels betrayed. So I don't feel I can talk any more about it to anyone we know, and DH has many times said he won't go to counselling with me. DH recognises that he is not easygoing but says he can't change and wishes he could. It is true that he has actively sought over the years to find ways to be good to my family which don't push his worst buttons (e.g. be hospitable and generous to them away from our home where he is concerned about damage).

Saw my bro and one sis today and it feels as if there's an elephant in the room.
Any body got any wisdom on dealing with strained family relationships?

OP posts:
bigredtractor · 01/06/2011 21:01

Didn't want you to go unanswered...

Would they all consider meeting in person and discussing it? Emails, texts etc. are sooooo easy to misinterpret. No substitute for eye contact and tone of voice...

Even if it turns into a shouting match, it might resolve matters eventually?

Katisha · 01/06/2011 21:06

I kind of think the details do matter really. What sorts of things upset him and are they justified. Why is he concerned about damage in your home? Are these reasonable concerns or not?

Original poster
bestmother1 · 01/06/2011 21:10

I have suggested that, but they don't live nearby and DH thinks it's their turn to make an overture now, so he won't ask for it - and I feel I have to leave it up to him/them.

OP posts:
Original poster
bestmother1 · 01/06/2011 21:17

In my view it's a matter of proportionality. He was wound up by constant texting/emailing/phoning while they were on an outing together, so took himself off, and then they lost contact and according to him did not reply to his phone messages to them.

I was myself mildly annoyed by the phones etc when I was with them but only a bit - brush things off more easily.

Damage - he is very concerned with damage to our home, so banging a door thoughtlessly, or the presence of small children can be a problem. Won't have my sisters dog here which means she and her DH won't come at same time.

OP posts:
Katisha · 01/06/2011 21:21

WHat does your sister think about it all?
DO they feel they have to walk on eggshells around him?

Original poster
bestmother1 · 01/06/2011 21:26

I think she thinks he's overreacted - she knew I would be suffering. Part of what has upset him is that he feels a bit unmasked and I have contributed to that by talking to my sister.

OP posts:
deste · 01/06/2011 21:46

Your DH sounds like my friends DH. She is not allowed to bang doors, he doesn't like children or dogs in the house. He is also difficult but really only with her. He has OCD and mental health problems. I'm not saying your DH has but there could be something underlying.

garlicbutter · 01/06/2011 21:50

I could be missing something here? It sounds weird and a bit scary. Does your H often kick off that much about perceived slights? From here, he's looking like The Ego That Must Be Obeyed Hmm
Has he been similarly annoyed with your friends?

Katisha · 01/06/2011 21:50

I think if his behaviour and expectations of other people's behaviour is causing stress and distress to you, then he should think again about getting some help.
I hear what you are saying about being unmasked, but you are not two people in a controlled environemnt - you are part of a family with all its attendant behaviours. If he is a very anxious person he really should get some help.
Do you have DCs?

garlicbutter · 01/06/2011 21:54

he feels a bit unmasked and I have contributed to that by talking to my sister

Heck Shock Are you saying his nice front must be maintained? So, now he's shown your family what a demanding, grumpy old twunt he is in reality, he's pulling in all the ropes to try & make people deny what they've seen (the real him.)

I really hope I've got it wrong. But, if I haven't, suggest you start reading the NPD threads :(

Original poster
bestmother1 · 01/06/2011 21:57

We joke about OCD but I think there is a touch of that. He is also very very able academically -quite the brightest person I have ever met, and finds it hard to tolerate what I think of as normal human failings, such as forgetting things. If I forget to tell him a bit of news, he thinks it's deliberate, because he maintains that I would remember if I thought it was important to share it with him.

We have a dog ourselves but although she can make a mess sometimes that's OK. He managed with our own children (now teenagers) but is anxious about them having lots of friends round - damage etc. (though he wishes he wasn't).

OP posts:
Original poster
bestmother1 · 01/06/2011 22:01

what are the npd threads?

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garlicbutter · 01/06/2011 22:17

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There are useful links on the first page - if you check out a few, you'll soon know if I'm off-beam!
I hope I am :)

Katisha · 01/06/2011 22:22

Being very able academically doesn't excuse controlling behaviour.

Original poster
bestmother1 · 01/06/2011 22:25

Thanks, NPD, of course, I have already had a look at this, and he fits some of this but by no means all, as when we had a heart to heart he showed a lot of insight, and although he sometimes lacks empathy, this is not consistent, he can be very supportive.

I have begged him repeatedly to go to couples counselling with me - trouble is, he is a trained psychologist and has taught counselling himself!! (What does fit the NPD profile is that he presents as so calm and so good with people and with group dynamics in a public areana). He says we should be able to work things out by talking to each other, of course I agree with this (although sometimes I am scared by him), but I also feel an outside perspective would help. At present we have an agreemnt that I will say exactyl what I think even if I feel scared, and that we will talk in depth every week. That must be good. Only I can't tell him about this thread (another betrayal).

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 01/06/2011 22:32

i think you are looking at possible OCD - it takes all sorts of forms, as I expect you know (if you've looked into it).

What are you scared of? Are you scared of hurting him? scared he will kick off and be rude to you? scared he will leave? WHAT scares you about telling him stuff? (yes it matters)

ScaredOfCows · 01/06/2011 22:32

Why are you scared of him? Weekly in-depth talks sound a little prescriptive, are they a 2-way process with you both contributing equally?

Most people, especially in challenging relationships, need an outlet - someone to talk to and mull things over with. That is not a betrayal, it is life and human nature.

garlicbutter · 01/06/2011 22:33

Oh, my love, that all sounds quite alarming. It's horrid to have to police your own words and thoughts.

It might be VERY useful for you to get a counsellor/therapist of your own, if only for somewhere safe to talk.

Portofino · 01/06/2011 22:38

If one person "falls out" with a lot of other people, then I would say the problem lied with them. When this is YOUR FAMILY we are talking about, I would say you need to tread very carefully. Normally, they can't ALL be wroing,

Original poster
bestmother1 · 01/06/2011 22:54

He's never been physically violent, but he can always floor me in an argument, as he is so articulate ( he knows this). he can say wounding things but then so can I. My sis suggested to me that if she and I lived togther and not with our respective DHs, it would be "piss easy". Her words, not mine, but by relaying them to him I was, I suppose agreeing and this really upset him.

The discussions (his suggestion) are I think his attempt to help me to talk to him (and maybe not to my sis?) - the idea is that they are equal and we each say what we have appreciated and what has wound us up. It doesn't preclude talking at other times as necessary.

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thumbwitch · 01/06/2011 23:09

hmm. The "not wanting you to talk to other people" is unrealistic and divisive - how does he feel about YOU going to a counsellor? Does he hate that too?

If he is so keen to change things, then he needs to take a realistic look at his own behaviour. Taking this instance:
Your family were phoning/texting too much on a day out - yes that's rude. However it was pretty immature to just disappear off - like a teenage strop (I know, I did it myself Blush when I was a teen). It's pure attention-seeking - you hope that the others then go "oh, where has X gone? I'm so worried about X, we should have taken more notice of X" etc. In reality they are just utterly fucked off that X has disappeared and created unnecessary drama and fuss, trying to find X.
However - they were in the wrong to ignore his calls - how stupid! And also immature.

Inflammatory emails post-event are desperately unhelpful of course, but it sounds as though your DH tried to make amends.

In reality, this situation cannot go on. You are caught in the middle - they are your family and you feel the need to be loyal to them as well as your DH and he is being utterly unrealistic if he can't see that or understand it.

His refusal to go to couples counselling - is that because he has no respect for the counsellor? That may be the case - especially if he has some training in the area - but he should come off his high horse about it and recognise that he has contributed to this situation so he isn't always in the right; and take steps to sort it out, which, since he is unable to do so by himself, he needs help doing.
It is NOT a sign of weakness to seek help - it is a sign of sensible recognition that one isn't omnipotent.

Original poster
bestmother1 · 01/06/2011 23:12

Thank you all for your posts, makes me feel I am not alone even if I do nothing else about this. Going to bed now.

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 02/06/2011 00:43

Your H is a controlling knobend. Tell him that he can either behave himself or fuck off.
Sorry, but ti's that or spend the rest of your life being progressively isolated from everyone you know and conditioned to the point where you are forever tiptoeing round this man's ego. Don't bring your DC up in a world where Daddy is God and his displeasure must be avoided at all costs.

Jux · 02/06/2011 01:12

Tell him to get off his horse as it's clearly too high for him.

Jux · 02/06/2011 01:16

Actually, he sounds petty and controlling. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to go to counselling