DH versus my family

[bestmother1]

Help! my DH has fallen out with my sisters' husbands and my brother. The details don't matter, but he feels wronged by them,` and emailed them to tell them so in very strong terms - did then follow up with an email recognising that his first email been had been a bit strong (though he still feels hurt by their original behaviour). This has not been resolved between them (one BIL has tried a bit, the others have said nothing). I think it likely that DH overreacted in the first place, he seems very easily to feel taken for granted. have told him this, of course he woould much rather I saw his point of view entirely (I'm not saying the others don't carry some responsibilty). Am finding it very difficult to be caught in the middle, DH said I was "too nice" to the one BIL who did phone up, though I carefully avoided talking about the emotional stuff in that phone call. Spoke to one of my sisters about it in desperation before I really had it out with DH, and he now feels betrayed. So I don't feel I can talk any more about it to anyone we know, and DH has many times said he won't go to counselling with me. DH recognises that he is not easygoing but says he can't change and wishes he could. It is true that he has actively sought over the years to find ways to be good to my family which don't push his worst buttons (e.g. be hospitable and generous to them away from our home where he is concerned about damage).

Saw my bro and one sis today and it feels as if there's an elephant in the room.
Any body got any wisdom on dealing with strained family relationships?

I'm quite bothered by this really.

Insisting on a in depth talk every week is odd, you being scared of him is worrying, and anyway its not working because you clearly cannot tell him everything and he resents you talking to anyone else.

He is the problem and yet he insists that he can also be the only means of fixing it - ie making to talk ONLY to him. Presumably he can argue you out of any position you take.

I think you most definitely need an outside perspective. You are starting to get one from your family (who if you asked honestly I'm sure would have quite a few things to say about his behaviour towards you) and you are getting some views on here.

Please keep posting - it may be painful but maybe its time to stop brushing it all under the carpet for the sake of keeping the peace.

The fact that he has forgotten himself to the pont of sending this email to your family has indeed unmasked him - the genie is getting out of the bottle.
We had an NPD in our family, and his partner only finally took action when he boiled over and made an accusatory phone call to one of her friends - after that she realised there was no more pretending and no more excusing.

I'm not saying your DH is necessarily npd, just making the comparison that often this sort of controlling behaviour is kept under wraps to those outside the immediate family, but when it starts to spill out, then it's a wake up call.

Op you dh has issues. he is just like my stbex (soon to be ex). My stbex is conroling and abusive. I'm not saying your dh is abusive but stbex has HUGE control issues both with other people and with the house. He is always seeing slights from other people, thinks people are always out to do him down, get one up on him etc. He hates dogs in the house and perceived damage. Infact I think they might be the same man. My stbex has NPD and I think yours does too.

He isn't insisting - it was a suggestion that I have agreed to, and we haven't started yet. So I don't know how that's going to go. I agree it's not good that I'm sacred, and he has said he doesn't want me to be. One of the reasons I'm not sure that he is NPD is because he does sometimes acknowledge some of his difficulties, and says he's no good for me. But I don't like to see him like that, and I'm not sure I'm ready to give up. 20 years is a long time and we have so much shared history and have had a lot of good times.

It's normal to talk to your sister/friends about your life & worries, including your relationship. It is not a betrayal.

Your dh says he wishes he could change but he won't make any efforts to do so. That actually means he doesn't wish to change at all, he's just giving lip-service.

I think he's isolating you, by falling out with your family, making you choose sides, taking talking to anyone outside the relationship as a 'betrayal'. You mustn't let him do this.

I don't know about NPD people, but abusive people are perfectly capable of acknowledging their faults and saying how bad they are for their partners, if only to give hope that they want to change and are trying. It's part of the nasty/nice cycle, often accompanied by the revealing of abusive childhoods etc, to make you feel compassion and want to help them change, to keep you there.

Buzz - so are NPD people! It's a bit of a red herring to try and distinguish between abusers who abuse just because they can and those who do it because of a psychiatric condition. The end result is the same. Some of the things you wrote, bestmother, made me think of NPD. The only difference it will make to you is the additional head-fuck that arises from being devoted to someone who is, in old-fashioned terms, mad.

None of your respondents feel he has your best interests at heart. Doesn't really matter whether he controls you for fun, for his fragile ego, or from ignorance. The big issue is the damage it will do to your life, your sense of identity and your confidence. I honestly think those things are worth protecting.

I wasn't trying to distinguish, I just meant I don't know anything about NPD . Nothing more than that. I'm not a shrink and I haven't even read up on NPD. So I didn't want to get into what a NPD person might do, just talk about the actual abusive behaviour.

I wouldn't want a dog in my house. The children thing seems weird and as an equal partner it should also be up to you who comes to your house. Does he have reason to think the kids would be out of control? Are your sibs a bit feckless? The constant phone thing would annoy me but I would just say something like "if we are going out together can you not look as though you'd rather be with someone else and leave the phones alone?"
Can you see your sibs without him? Mine are all some distance away so if my husband didn't want to see my sibs it wouldn't alter much I'd just go alone. Different if you're the sort of family who live in each other's pockets.
My sister's ex often avoided our family gatherings as he found us a bit overbearing en mass. Fair enough, my sister still came.
Not sure why you are wanting him to go to counselling about this or why it bothers you that much. You don't have to go everywhere together and I don't see why there's an "elephant in the room" as your relatives know your husband isn't there because he isn't keen on them.
Agree discussing this with them in detail would be a bit disloyal.
Stop letting it bother you.
If he's OK in other respects and it's just your sibs he doesn't like then I'm surprided it's such a big issue. I see my husband's sister 2-3 times a year and if I stopped seeing her I doubt it would bother him enough to want me to go to counselling.

Yes, I don't know if I'm just making a big issue out of it. He and I talked about it again and he is adamant that he won't make any more overtures to talk to bro and BILs about it. I may have to come to terms with him not having much of a relationship with my family, but on and off I feel quite desperate about this.

Mabe I should add that DH and I are currently under pressure in a number of ways,as follows:

I am 52 (hormonal?).

DD is about to take A levels and needs to get high grades for uni place (or huge hike in fees for next year).

DH restless with his work - if it was just up to him, we would move to wherever he could get the work he wants, but I find it difficult to uproot and besides we have 2 DDs (school, friends etc) and 4 elderly parents in this area. He is a much more adventurous spirit than me and I have said "no" over the years to ideas of emigrating/moving (we have done one move of 40 miles which I found very difficult and sometimes still wish we had never done 7 years on).

My own working life deeply affected by govt cuts, so lots of uncertainty and not much joy there.

My mum has just had a hip op (so lots of input needed from family) and - worse - my dad has been in resdiential care for a month (Alzheimers), but the place (a good one) are now saying they probably can't manage him (challenging behaviour), so his future care is a big worry. Of the wider family, we live the nearest, and DH has always been anxious that I don't do all the support (I don't, bro and one sis are very good, the other a bit more slippery but does contribute).

We also have his elderly parents on our doorstep (for whom I/we do a lot), though they are on an even keel at present.

My day-to-day interactions with DH are often fine, and I can see him trying to make things good, so we can go for quite a while with things feeling good, but there will always be a next time when somebody upsets him.

Further to this, he does think one BIL is "feckless" and not watchful enough of the children. I don't think it's a thing with children per se, though he is worreid about the teenagers/alcohol mix and about spills/damage from partying, which has certainly restricted what we do.

God, he sounds hard work!

He sounds like a knob.