Please don't flame me - I know I'm an idiot, I just need some help...

[totalfuckwit]

Namechanged regular - obvious reasons.

I've been seeing this man for about 6 months. It's kind of ok and a bit of casual fun. I haven't really thought about it going anywhere and we only see each other about one night a week. We both have dcs. I was married when I had my DS, but am now divorced. DP has a DS who he adores, but who was an accident. He had been separated from the baby's mother for 6 months before she announced that she was 7 months pregnant. She, apparently, told him that she was going to have a termination before she found out how far along she was. He has always said that he would have found it impossible to forgive her if she had gone ahead and done that without telling him.

You can guess what is coming, can't you?

So I'm pregnant. I am aware this makes me an idiot, but it was a genuine contraceptive failure. I can not really afford to take risks with pregnancy as I can't actually carry babies to term. My DS was born at 28 weeks and my obstetrician said I should never have any more because they would most likely be born even earlier and there's a risk it could kill me too (I am aware of how melodramatic that sounds, but it is what he said..)

So... being as I don't have any choice about what I do about this pregnancy, is there any point in telling him and having him stressing and freaking out. I have a feeling that he's not going to be supportive, but will have some sort of meltdown and I don't think I can cope with that on top of the emotional distress I'm going to face myself being as I have always wanted another child, but know I can't have one - and now I'm going to have to terminate one. It's just so unfair!

Before I get a flaming - I am going to get sterilised after this. I should have done it before, but I get so emotional about it. I'm only 32 and it would involve admitting finally and completely that I'm never having any more dcs.

So do I tell DP?

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Can I think about it and come back to you - your stomach must be in knots!

I'm so sorry. What a difficult situation. The BPAS is very good if you need impartial advice and somebody to talk to. Do you have anybody else in rl on whom you can lean?

Honestly, honestly, honestly, my gut feeling is that yes you do need to tell him. It is your body and it is your decision ultimately and if his response is in any way controlling, damaging or makes you uncomfortable then you absolutely must walk away from that BUT it strikes me that yes you must tell him.

I feel for you....what a dilemma. I think he should know but you can explain your very valid reasons for terminating the pregnancy.

I guess the real question is that if the obs hadn't said that, what would you do ? If you would want the baby, how about getting an opinion asap on what another obs would say

Don't tell him -
Why make things complicated?

Thank you all. I think you are right and I do need to tell him, but I am slightly fearful that this will be the end of us. It's just all too painful and I am worried that he'll blame me.

The thing that's killing me is that part of me is feeling really pleased about it, yet I know I can't keep it. I am totally confused!

Thanks for the hand-holding. I do appreciate it. I have just spoken to a RL friend, who has said the same. I just have to prepare for a meltdown.

I'm sorry you're in this situation - it sounds very distressing.

I think you should do whatever will make it easier for you. If you really think he not be supportive, don't tell him. You are going to be very upset and you don't need to have him wailing and moaning at you too. But there's also a case for you to give him a chance to do the right thing and come and hold your hand. I'd guess if you go ahead without telling him you may subconsciously resent him for not being supportive and it will change how you feel about him.

I don't think your background about his ex is that relevant really. If the worst case scenario is that he finds out you had a termination and never forgives you, well, it doesn't sound like he was the answer to all your prayers anyway.

Good luck.

yes - my friend just asked the question about what I would do without the medical complications. She knows how much this has all been on my mind for the last few years. The last time I saw her I was considering being sterilised and we had a long chat about it, so she knows how much I want another baby.

The timing is wrong (but I thought it was right last time and things still went tits up). I'm just torn. The problem is that no one seems to be able to tell me how likely things are to go wrong again. It's all related to adhesions and I've had abdominal surgery twice since having DS, so the chances are that I'm like a scar tissue spaghetti junction in there and anything could happen. No one knows (which also means everything could work out absolutely fine, but is that a risk worth taking?)

Aaaarggghhhhh

I... don't know. My initial reaction is to say, don't. It's a casual relationship, and you don't need the added stress of looking after yourself, your DS and potentially having to deal with your DP's reaction too. BUT, what if it gets more serious? Could you keep quiet about it for 10, 20, 30 years+? If there's a chance you could be together that long, and even the faintest chance you'd feel the need to tell him then it would be far better to deal with it now, than risking everything further down the line when you're more invested in the relationship. This is IMO only though, in the end only you can decide what to do.

FWIW you are not a total fuckwit - these things happen (and it takes two!) It sucks that you're in this position and I have every sympathy with you. I can't have more children, not to the extremes you can't, but I've been told it's a bad bad idea due to prior surgery, add that to my age and the fact I have 3, I've also considered sterilization. It's not as easy as it sounds. It's so damn final isn't it?

Have a fwiw. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to (although the more people that know, the more chance of it slipping out )

I would see an doctor then an obstetrician ASAP to make totally sure that the pregnancy still is a no-no (is there any chance that condition has changed?).

Re the man you have been seeing - you have 2 options

1. tell him whole truth asap

2. don't tell him, but realistically you might then have to cut contact.

X posted with absolutely everybody!

I type too slow!

Don't think about the artner atm....make an appointment with the doctor and speak to him or her about your health....then think again depending on what is said. Meltdown or not your partnet must be told....not now perhaps...not until you have seen the doctor.

Before making any drastic decisions it may be worth having a further consultant apopintment, particularly if the last appointment was several years ago. Medical advances happen so quickly, particularly in this field.

You may feel more able to communicate to him the current for/against picture with full up to date information, or even take him with you.

Oh poor you.

Would it make any difference re. what type of contraceptive failure? ie if it was condoms would he be more understanding and take equal responsibility- or could he think you were just careless with the pill?

If the relationship could be long term then you have to tell him.

If he is not a contender for that, then maybe not.

You know him best.

But really the point is- do you want a baby with a man who may run for the hills? And if he doesn't, and you can carry to term, would you want that?

In some ways I think he ought to know- anyone having sex has to accept that a baby might result from that. No contraception is 100%.

On the otherhand, if you can decide what you want first, then his role and feelings become less important.

I think you should get proper medical advice and counselling re. a termination then decide what to say to him.

Oh poor you - how could you feel you'd be flamed - you haven't been stupid just so unlucky. Firstly - are you absolutely sure that you trust the obs? Do you think a further consultation with another obs. would be a good idea? Secondly, I'm sure you are aware that SCBU often care for babies born well before 28 weeks successfully. Of course you have a lot of thinking to do - I think personally I would seek a second opinion very soon, and go through your options. It may be with careful monitoring etc., you could have a healthy pregnancy? I think then, when I knew the options/risks I would then tell your partner. You can then say, that you have had a further consultation with another obs, and they confirm the risks, and therefore you have no option to your own emotional/physical health but to terminate. He would then know that you've not just gone ahead and terminated, and that you have tried everything before your decision. And ultimately it is your decision, you can't risk your health, not for his sake, but especially for the dcs you have. IF he's worth having, he'll support you in your decision.

Take care

So sorry you're facing this dilemma. Firstly, would it be worth getting a second medical opinion just to make sure? I also agree with ShowOfHands about telling him (I'm usually pretty anti-abortion by the way. but if going through with the pregnancy would actually endanger your life then its unreasonable of him to object).

OP

big hugs what a situation to be

I would first tell him everything the complications last time.

I am normally totally against abortion. Completely and utterly. (not looking for a debate before anyone offers :o ) This is a different situation though and even I would understand and totally sympathise. It is not in any way like getting an abortion in 'normal' circumstances. SURELY your DP will understand that?

I just came on here to see what the thread was actually about, and as a man, I think it is probably definitely not for me to offer advice on this one.

All I would say is that the Obstetrician must have had good reason to be so definitive in his advice after your last pregnancy , and that must surely carry some weight in your discussion with your new partner/boyfriend.

One other thing is that, whilst Saffysmum is right that SCBU often care for babies born at 28 weeks and before very successfully, there are also many instances when they don't have the outcomes they would like. Yes it is possible, occasionally, to bring a baby through from 25 or 26 weeks, but that does not mean that 28 weeks is easy. There are many complications and there are many occasions when my wife (who is a nurse on the NNU in a large teaching hospital and centre of excellence) comes home and tells me of babies who have not made it, or babies that may make it, but with huge problems ahead of them. I don't want to scaremonger, but it is not all plain sailing.

Also, sorry to hear of what you are going through. :(

Thanks SHD for coming on - your advice is as valid as anyone's, so I am glad you added your points.

I feel really, really weird. I think the hormones are kicking in and making me feel all fluffy and warm that I have this life inside me. I need to stop thinking about it like that, because it will kill me.

I think part of what is going round my head is that my DS's birth was so traumatic. He was early, I was in intensive care when he was born and was pretty out of it and I didn't even see him for a week because we were both too ill. I didn't bond very well with him as a result. I expressed milk and finally breastfed him when he was 2 months old, but it took me a long time to recover and I had to have two more surgeries consequently. It is, therefore, a little more complicated that just having an early baby. I'm not sure I am strong enough to go through that for a second time - or even to go through a pregnancy waiting for it to all go wrong again.

I have dreamt of having a normal, healthy pregnancy and doing all the things you imagine when you plan to have a baby, so the thought of being pregnant and not being able to have any of that is really painful.

Ah well - thanks all for your input. I am amazed at how sympathetic and understanding you all are. It means a lot to me.

hi totalfuckwit (which you emphatically are not). i'm not posting in order to offer you any advice as i can't imagine how hideous this is for you. fwiw, i think that unless the baby's father is a proper idiot, he always has the right to know about a pregnancy. but really i just wanted to let you know that i'm sorry for you in having to deal with this very complicated situation. i was on this board yesterday, posting about something that is causing me appalling turmoil, and it meant so much to me that complete strangers were so empathic and caring. it really means a lot when mn is used in this way rather than as a bitchfest.
i hope you are norished, resourced and supported, whatever you decide. keep well x

Does your DP know that you have been told that you should not have more DC?

If he does know, then he will already have faced the prospect of no more DC if he stays with you (and hopefully will be supportive - unless he has e.g. religious issues with termination). If he does know, how did he react?

If he does not know, then I think there would be a major conversation to be had whether of not you had got pregnant. If he is going to run as a result of a termination, he is likely to run if you get sterilised.

I think wehther, and what, you tell him really depends on what he already knows about your situation and his reaction.

So sorry you're in this situation.

However, you seem to be saying that your partner would have been furious if she'd made the decision without consulting him, rather than if she'd made the decision after talking to him.

I would talk to him about it, but I would go ahead and have the termination. I'm so sorry, but you can't risk your own life, particularly as you have a child to care for.

Had you never spoken to your partner about the circumstances of your child's birth? Was he unaware that you really mustn't become pregnant?

First things first I would get yourself back to the hospital ASAP and ask the obstetrician or a fertility consultant why you can not carry babies to full term and what exactly happened last time. It appears you don't really know the full story of why your DS was early but I could be very wrong and it might be something you don't want to share on here! I have had one very healthy normal over term pregnancy and I have had 4 miscarriages and one still birth in the last ten years. The difference between what they know now compared with even five or ten years ago is incredible and if you had a blood clotting type of issue in your last pregnancy there could be many new options available to you to carry this baby to term. If you don't know the full truth about what happened and why you are unlikely to carry to term I would strongly advise you find out. Sorry if this is patronising...