Please don't flame me - I know I'm an idiot, I just need some help...

[totalfuckwit]

Namechanged regular - obvious reasons.

I've been seeing this man for about 6 months. It's kind of ok and a bit of casual fun. I haven't really thought about it going anywhere and we only see each other about one night a week. We both have dcs. I was married when I had my DS, but am now divorced. DP has a DS who he adores, but who was an accident. He had been separated from the baby's mother for 6 months before she announced that she was 7 months pregnant. She, apparently, told him that she was going to have a termination before she found out how far along she was. He has always said that he would have found it impossible to forgive her if she had gone ahead and done that without telling him.

You can guess what is coming, can't you?

So I'm pregnant. I am aware this makes me an idiot, but it was a genuine contraceptive failure. I can not really afford to take risks with pregnancy as I can't actually carry babies to term. My DS was born at 28 weeks and my obstetrician said I should never have any more because they would most likely be born even earlier and there's a risk it could kill me too (I am aware of how melodramatic that sounds, but it is what he said..)

So... being as I don't have any choice about what I do about this pregnancy, is there any point in telling him and having him stressing and freaking out. I have a feeling that he's not going to be supportive, but will have some sort of meltdown and I don't think I can cope with that on top of the emotional distress I'm going to face myself being as I have always wanted another child, but know I can't have one - and now I'm going to have to terminate one. It's just so unfair!

Before I get a flaming - I am going to get sterilised after this. I should have done it before, but I get so emotional about it. I'm only 32 and it would involve admitting finally and completely that I'm never having any more dcs.

So do I tell DP?

I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now so first off, so much sympathy.

I think you should tell your DP. If he becomes angry with you for needing a termination, then he does not deserve you anyway - quite aside from anyone's views on abortion, 'I will be angry with you for not going through with this pregnancy which a doctor has said may very well kill you' is an extraordinarly selfish and in my opinion completely wrong stance. Anger at not being told is more reasonable - what you say sounds like he was upset with his ex for not talking to him in taking the decision, rather than the decision itself, and I can somewhat see where he's coming from on that, whether rightly or wrongly you can argue but it's at least understandable.

I also think that if you would want this pregnancy if the medical issues weren't there, you should get yourself in with a good doctor - a different one - as soon as possible - hopefully with your DP to support you. Like others have said, medical science moves fast, and some doctors know more than others. If the medical opinion is still no, it is too dangerous, then you will know that you have done everything you could.

[secret huge hugs]

I think you should tell him. If he's decent he'll support you and you know he's a keeper.

Get medical advice ASAP. Medical science moves so fast. My DD is having heart scans that didn't exist a few years ago.

Be kind to yourself. You are not a fuck up. Accidents happen.

So, you made a mistake. You're human, these things happen.

Im not going to give advice regarding terminations as, of course, that is something only you can decide. But I would echo what others have said regarding a second opinion from a consultant.

I wanted to say, with regards to your partner saying he couldnt forgive a termination - the father of my child told me when we were together how he was anti abortion, he said an ex got pregnant but miscarried and he was sad, that men who leave their DC are scum of the earth and he would never give up on child of his, even before it was born.

You see where this is going dont you? Yes, I got pregnant. First words out his mouth were "get rid of it". What they tell you and what they actually do in that situation are very different things, I find.

And secondly - even if he is against it, he cant stop you. Its still your choice.

Do you wish to stay with him? You cannot terminate secretly and not tell him if you plan to stay with him any longer. It is impossible to keep a secret like that, really destructive to your peace of mind and if/when he finds out he will be (rightly) furious

If you intended to end the relationship now anyway and will be able to do that decisively, then it's probably not worth you telling him. Yes it's underhand, but the outcome could not be any different if he knew, ie it's not a case of 'if he supports me I could have the baby' - you simply can't. You will go through the mill enough without taking care of his emotions too.

Or you could end the relationship but inform him out of respect, and let him deal with the fallout using his own support system, but not you.

do you think medical science has moved on at all since your first child? Is it possible to see your consultant urgently to discuss this before you have to make a decision... you will know you have done everything possible then to try to have what you want. what an awful position to be in.

Fwiw, I know yours is a special case, but many people have terrible/traumatic first births and then ansexond one that is nowhere near as bad. Part of me wants you to have the happy emd

Fwiw, I know yours is a special case, but many people have terrible/traumatic first births and then ansexond one that is nowhere near as bad. Part of me wants you to have the happy ending ..... They would presumably monitor you very closely? I agree that you should see a consultant ASAP as once you hve more facts may be a clearer decision. You are not a fuckwit btw, good luck x

Sorry, dumb iphone

if i was in your exact shoes i wouldn't tell him. ever.

sorry, i know that mightn't be the morally right thing but, for your own sanity and to avoid a really stressful situation i wouldn't tell him.

Well - I told him and he's been surprisingly brilliant about it. I've explained the situation fully re: complications

I do understand what happened last time, btw - my organs are stuck together with scar tissue. My bowel and my uterus were stuck together and, as my bump grew, it all pulled tight and caused an obstruction. The problem is, I'm obviously prone to adhesions like this and have had bowel and hernia surgery since, so the chances are that I've got other bits of scar tissue sticking bits of me together. No one can tell me because the only way to see them is to explore surgically and that causes more of the little sticky buggers - do you see the problem? DS was born early because he objected to a load of surgeons messing around inside me when he was minding his own business and trying to grow.

Anyway, DP has said he doesn't ideally want another baby right now, but will support me whatever I do.

Everything in my being is telling me that I really want this baby (is that hormones?). I'll go and see the doctor later and find out what's what.

Thank you so much for your help, everyone.

I hope the doctor tells you this is possible and I'm happy to hear he's responded well. You must feel better to have at least that weight off your head.

and NulliusInVerba - what a jerk.