Rubbish birthday present that I'm worried symbolises our whole relationship ...

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My birthday was last Saturday and I've been agonising ever since over whether to send the following email to DH ... AIBU to?

Dear DH, I just wanted to say, for future reference, that I'd honestly rather not get a birthday present at all than one which has been grabbed off a shelf at the last minute just for the sake of giving me something. If you don't have time to put any thought into it, that's fine - I wouldn't expect you to with all the extra contracts at the moment [he's working two jobs] you know I'm not materialistic and don't expect presents left, right and centre, but please just let me know this beforehand. It upsets me that you think I'd rather have a THING, anything!, in wrapping paper, rather than you being honest about not having any time to consider or plan anything. Now don't come in tonight and be all silent and sulky, please! It's no big deal - I'm just telling you for future reference, as I don't want you to waste your time and money. I hope you don't think I sound like a spoiled brat. I'm only emailing because I'm worried you'd get defensive if I actually spoke to you about it, and it would blow up into a huge thing. It's not. Love PP x

The present was a box of little jars of jams and chutneys. I know, I know, it's a lot better than an iron, or a DVD that HE wants, or something like that, but it's a totally random gift - I have no previous affiliation with jam! - and I'm pretty sure he just ran into a shop at 10 to 6 the day before and grabbed it off a shelf. And I'm not quite at an age where I'm about to join the WI yet!! When I opened it he was all apologetic, saying "You don't like it, do you?" I probably should have come clean then but it takes me a while to formulate my thoughts IYKWIM! Plus, it was in front of the DC, and I've frequently told them that the only appropriate response to receiving a gift is to say "Thank you vey much!" WWYD? I have a feeling that I won't send the email, tbh. In my heart of hearts I don't actually feel entitled to presents as I'm pretty anti-materialistic, as is he, and think I'll probably just - for want of a better phrase! - suck it up. Even if it does bother me a bit, it's not really important in the scheme of things, is it?

I think you may get a hard time here because people will accuse you of being materialistic, but I totally understand where you are coming from.

I imagine it's not really about the present, but more a desire for a feeling that you are noticed and cherished and that the person you love takes the time to put a bit of thought and effort into choosing something that is especially for you.

I wouldn't email him, I would have a chat with him about how this has made you feel.

It was a crap present, but there seems to be more underlying problems. Are you worried about your relationship in general?

Well, I suppose so, tbh, loupy. I'm feeling old. I feel that as a SAHM I have no interesting conversation in the evenings and, although I make the effort to be cheerful for him coming home, it's difficult sometimes after a tough day of endless bloody housework and tantruming kids. I just feel haggard and washed out, when I want to be exuberant, vivacious and sexy! I'm worried that when the DC leave home (not for years and years and years!!) we'll have nothing to talk about any more and end up going our separate ways. We never go out together due to finances and I'm worried that if we did, it would be all awkward silences.

God, where did all that come from! . So yes, I guess there is more to it. I know I'm a cliche, this happens to sooo many people. But I also think he thinks I'm just a bit dull now, and he's not wrong.

No its not important. What you've told your children is correct, the best thing to say is 'Thankyou very much'.

You say in your email it's not a big thing - so why send the email?

Next time, if he's that busy, just tell him that you don't want him to worry about getting you anything, maybe suggest just staying in the two of you and watching dvd, or whatever it is you'd like to do. No point telling him now!

Pootles you're right, I know you are. Thanks for shaking some sense into me about that. There's no point sending it now.

Sorry OP x-posted! You're not a cliche, you just need to chat to him about how you feel - he probably feels the same!

Know what its like not having money, but at this time of year you can get out, just go for a walk or a picnic, or even just having your tea in the garden rather than on your laps watching tv helps.

If you weren't worried, you wouldn't be posting. I agree with the other posters that it isn't about the present, it IS about the meaning behind the apparent lack of thought. I would think very carefully about your relationship. What was it about this that worries you particularly? Does he show his appreciation in other ways?

I would confront him - but chances are he doesn't know what he's done wrong anyway.

He sounds exactly like my DP - in his case going to ASDA last thing Xmas eve and grabbing whatever is there (usually on special offer!!). I don't complain because he doesn't understand why it makes him look cheap and mean.

I hope you get better luck!!

I totally understand what you are saying. this is nothing whatsoever to do with present etiquette and everything to with how you are feeling in your relationship and your role. You are unhappy with some aspects and you are more than entitled to say something.

well at least he didn't go to Ann Summer's and the forgot to buy the batteries
but it was a crap present i agree

Could you set up something like an Amazon wishlist for future gifts so all he has to do is click and get it delivered? Still relatively little thought but at least you get something you'd like.

I do totally understand how you feel. My mother is the thoughtless present buyer in my family and it does hurt, no matter how much you're prepared for it. Does he expect lots of thought for his own birthday present?

Hmm, I understand how difficult and boring it is being home every day with young children. Do you have friends in a similar situation? Maybe you could meet for coffee etc? If I where you id tell DH how dull you're feeling, and if your finances will stretch to it, maybe visit the hairdressers or buy yourself some new perfume, something to give you a personal lift.

Without wanting to sound mean, do you think that how you're feeling is due to your own self esteem? (please don't take that the wrong way, I'm not very good with words lol)

Crap presents from your dh can be soul destroying and I don't mean presents where there has been some thought but they just get it wrong. My dh did this for my 40th. DS was 4 months, I hadn't slept for more than 3 hours at a time since he was born, I was shattered and he took me to the out of town shopping place, left me in the car with the baby went into WH Smith and bought 3 for 2 books that were just rubbish- one was for teenage girls. I was literally in tears when I opened them the next day - it was my 40th ffs. It wasn't the present it was the total lack of any care that he didn't think I was worth putting any effort into choosing something.
Jams and chutneys are awful. You did well not to throw them at him.
You will get over it as long as you don't think about it - but I would talk to him otherwise it will gnaw away at you.

I really don't think you should read too much into it though. Hate to generalise, but blokes just don't care about presents in the same way women do - it doesn't represent anything to them. Or at least it doesn't to DP.

Of course if you are worried about relationship, that is a problem, but don't think there is a problem just because of the present IYSWIM.

Don't send it.

Next year tell him which shop you'd like vouchers from (and offer to get them yourself)

Btw I have given jams/chutneys as a present. Twice.

Pootles, but they wouldn't be happy if you bought them something that they really wouldn't need/want in a million years, would they?

Hmm maybe just my dp, but yes atswim mine would be. He's very, very practical and not sentimental at all - he told me not to get anything on from ds for him for fathers day, and i know he meant it.

You're right in as much as he would rather i didn't get him anything rather than waste money on something he didn't want though.

It IS a big thing and you are right to be upset.

It's about thought- not money.

If he can't be bothered to put in a bit of effort once a year- what does that say?

I guess it depends if he puts in effort in other ways, OP. Does he bring you cups of tea, or occassionally get up with the kids to let you have lie-in?

The whole present-buying culture thing in different families is fraught. Personally I hate presents being seen a business transaction, where the receiver has to say what they want, even buy it for themselves, and then invoice the giver.
But MIL is like that and therefore so is DH. Has taken me years to come to terms with as it seems so utterly pointless.

Don't send the email, talk to him. This happened to me a couple of years ago and I'll admit our relationship was in a bad place. He also didn't make any effort with the children ie. encourage them to make a card or take them out to buy something for me. That day I had an awful birthday, I was in tears all day but I did let him know that it wasn't on. Like you I don't expect some big flashy thing but just a present that has some thought put into it, he knows what I like. I told him that he either started to bother or I just wouldn't bother either. It has improved, he is still unorganised, but it has got better. But PLEASE don't send an email. Now go and buy some nice scones and cream and make yourself a cream tea with the jam!

My sister has always had similar issues with her husband. He's a fantastic father but doesn't put quite as much thought into being a husband! They've been married now for over 25 years and have been through a lot of ups and downs in that time. Present buying - and lack of thought - has always been a big thing for my sister. It's easier now that she has a 19 year old daughter who will tell her father that what he wants to buy is a crap present and she'll go and do it instead.

When my sister has had problems which are better not discussed, initially, face to face she writes him a letter. Not an email - too impersonal- but a letter which he can then read in his own time and space. It gets her point over (and I agree it's not the present per se but the lack of any thought going it) and once it's out in the open then they can talk about it without arguing.

That said, she now does a list for birthdays and christmas and sends him shopping!

Thanks for all the thoughts, I really appreciate them! Tbh I was worried I'd get one of two responses a) you're being a spoiled bitch or b) he's a twat, dump him! . Glad you lot are far more perceptive than that.

He is a very good father and gives me my fair share of long lies etc, cleans up (is a lot tidier than me and patiently puts up with the mess I can't seem to shift for a good while before he starts to crack), plus he's also really unmaterialistic and we both think that "things" should be for the kids at this stage of our lives. We both completely ignore Mother's and Father's Day, which is absolutely fine with me! It's just that I can't see this changing in the years stretching ahead - he does nothing with any ceremony at all, one day is just like the last! Sorry to moan. Silly examples are the fact that we have 2 or 3 bottles of champagne kicking around the house and he would never, NEVER think to actually open one, they're always kept for some unspecified celebration of something or other far in the future!

Paddy, that's crap! Your 40th too! It's DH's 40th this summer and I'm going to make a special effort in the hope it might come back to me when it's mine!! Tbh, I think he will do something nice for that. Fingers crossed

The Amazon wishlist ... well, I have an embryonic one started, but it's almost more for my own reference, if someone gives me money to spend, for example. It's a good idea but just feels a bit uncomfortably GIMME GIMME!, you know what I mean?!

Anyway, I think the general consensus is "talk to him" which is right, of course. I will try, I just don't want a big confrontation ...

I think you just need to be honest with him and tell him how his apparent thoughtlessness has left you feeling. He may very well be thinking that you're not that bothered.

My DH and I now have the present thing sorted. (He once gave me an electric screwdriver). I give him a list of a number of items, any of which I'd be delighted to receive and some are specific, eg a particular book, and some are vague eg bath foam and DH can choose.

Since we've been doing this he's actually got much better at buying gifts as he has a better idea of what I might like. At Christmas time I compiled my list from the John Lewis website and he just ordered online and collected from store. Everyone was happy.

It is a bit grim, I spend hours worying and sorting out laundry and the house etc so DH has clean clothes food etc, but in return he does go out very determindly to buy me a gift on my birthday etc and although he often returns after 8 hours saying he couldn't find anything he wante dot buy he also does turn up with some fab stuff that's he obviously put a lot of effort into.

My dad was a very bad presnet buyer an dtended to fall back on flowers or chocloates BUT it was always the most swich box of chocolates and the biggest bunch of flowers.

I'd be honest with your DH, point out how much you put into keeping the family going and it looks like he didn't think about the presnet at all, and then bought something really a bit cheap. It would have been better if he'd told you to buy something nice off the web as a treat or something. Some men are terrible at presnets, but it does look like he didn't really make any effort which is really the upsetting bit. HE needs to understand you feel he doesn't value you.