Rubbish birthday present that I'm worried symbolises our whole relationship ...

[PreferredPlanet]

My birthday was last Saturday and I've been agonising ever since over whether to send the following email to DH ... AIBU to?

Dear DH, I just wanted to say, for future reference, that I'd honestly rather not get a birthday present at all than one which has been grabbed off a shelf at the last minute just for the sake of giving me something. If you don't have time to put any thought into it, that's fine - I wouldn't expect you to with all the extra contracts at the moment [he's working two jobs] you know I'm not materialistic and don't expect presents left, right and centre, but please just let me know this beforehand. It upsets me that you think I'd rather have a THING, anything!, in wrapping paper, rather than you being honest about not having any time to consider or plan anything. Now don't come in tonight and be all silent and sulky, please! It's no big deal - I'm just telling you for future reference, as I don't want you to waste your time and money. I hope you don't think I sound like a spoiled brat. I'm only emailing because I'm worried you'd get defensive if I actually spoke to you about it, and it would blow up into a huge thing. It's not. Love PP x

The present was a box of little jars of jams and chutneys. I know, I know, it's a lot better than an iron, or a DVD that HE wants, or something like that, but it's a totally random gift - I have no previous affiliation with jam! - and I'm pretty sure he just ran into a shop at 10 to 6 the day before and grabbed it off a shelf. And I'm not quite at an age where I'm about to join the WI yet!! When I opened it he was all apologetic, saying "You don't like it, do you?" I probably should have come clean then but it takes me a while to formulate my thoughts IYKWIM! Plus, it was in front of the DC, and I've frequently told them that the only appropriate response to receiving a gift is to say "Thank you vey much!" WWYD? I have a feeling that I won't send the email, tbh. In my heart of hearts I don't actually feel entitled to presents as I'm pretty anti-materialistic, as is he, and think I'll probably just - for want of a better phrase! - suck it up. Even if it does bother me a bit, it's not really important in the scheme of things, is it?

"HE needs to understand you feel he doesn't value you."

I know, Miggsie, I just don't feel, if I really think about it, that value should be measured in the type/size/amount of gifts you buy somebody. It just sits uncomfortably with me and makes me feel as if I'm being acquisitive and self-centred! Not to mention picky But I can't help the way I feel either ... aaargh, internal conflict! I know I should just shut up ...

When I think about it, he's so good in other ways, does his own washing and ironing (I only do me and the kids'), works two jobs etc, that it just makes me feel as if I'm being needy to even bother about this. I'm pretty sure I'll regret it if I bring it up with him ...

I had this problem with my DH in the early years. He now understands I need a nice card, and I email him my amazon wishlist a couple of weeks in advance. I never get any surprises, but at least I get something I want. And he's excellent in so many other ways.

Still working on getting the presents wrapped - he tends to just hand them to me. Ah well, baby steps!

So funny I was just thinking about the year before last. My DP (before we started living together) spent DAYS looking for pressies for his parents and called my up in the evenings bitching about how difficult he was and how stressed the whole thing was making him.

I tried to calm him down by suggesting he "just get them a book voucher or magazine subscription" rather than trekking out in the snow and stressing himself.

Cue Xmas and birthday (Jan 2) passing with not a whisper of a pressie. I then got a New Scientist subscription land on my mat in mid-Feb. Which is you know a nice enough present...

BUT his parents got theirs on time. AND he spent days looking for them. AND they didn't go trekking through the west end to find a sodding expensive bottle of absinthe for him, that he then decided he didn't like.

Sooo, I thanked him. And last November told him that I would like some hint that he had thought about my present before Feb, or let me know if he couldn't afford one. He got a bit shirty with me, but threw the most outrageous extravaganza for my bday that I am still utterly embarraseed that I was so spoilt.

Moral of the story: say something!

count yerself lucky... I got an air freshener!

Oh, I could have written your OP.

I think that both DH and I have gotten out of the habit of putting thought into our relationship and into gifts for each other. We had a bit of a crisis a couple of years ago and have come through it but this still bothers me.

We haven't given each other good gifts for years. I think it is important. Not the value of the gift but the thought and consideration behind it.

I think we both have to talk to our DHs. It has been some months since my birthday so perhaps it is a good tine to do so. Not out of upset and disappointment but from a "this is bothering me and I think we ought to talk about it " viewpoint.

Perhaps you could do the same?

Hannah
My birthday is 2nd January too. Mega stress for DH who has two presents to get in one week.

What did he say in the card? Sod the present - the explanation for its crapness could range from lack of taste, his unmaterialistic life view, to sheer lack of time. The present does not represent your relationship but his actions and words do.

So, what did he say and do on your Birthday that made you feel special. Or, perhaps, what didn't he say or do on your birthday which this present was supposed to compensate for?

it was sweet of him, small but thoughtful. i wouldn't complain, man agonise over gifts and you'll be setting yourself up for trouble

I have some sympathy with PreferredPlanet's DH. He works two jobs. He's probably a) too knackered to think of a good present and b) hasn't enough time to go hunting for one. I try to get my wife's presents months in advance because I know that if at 2 weeks out I still haven't got one, then I'm quite likely not to find one, for the same reasons.

He sounds just like me, to be honest, and I think if my dw were to send me an email saying that I hadn't been thoughtful enough, I'd be deeply upset because I would probably have done my level best in in unavoidable circumstances.

The family I grew up with had a present book: people wrote what they wanted in the book - this avoided having to rely on the eureka! moment and also ensured that everyone got what they wanted. Why not do this in future?

Unavoidable circumstances Toad? Her birthday is on the same day each year - it's not something that creeps up on you unexpectedly!

The birthday book is fine if you are of the "present as business transaction" persuasion.

If you are of the present as evidence of "buying partner knowing what receiving partner is like as a person" persuasion, then it can seem rather heartless.

But her birthday falls on the same date each year - with a year inbetween. A whole year to give it a little bit more thought than a set of jams. Even if he can't get out to a shop at all for the preceeding 365 days then surely he has access to a computer, the internet??

I loathe shopping. I have very little imagination when it comes to buying stuff for my dh. He has expensive tastes in clothes, I don't - I've spent a fair part of the last 10 years crawling around the floor and picking up after small children. It hurts me to spend a lot of money on the sort of clothes that he likes but I know what he likes and I do it.

Which remind me.... Father's Day coming up and nothing planned yet!! Oh God ..........

I am not having a go by the way Toad.
It's just that I struggle with DH and his mother's attitude to present buying which is that it is one big PITA.
I bought her something for Christmas, and before she'd even received it she told me to take whatever it was back to the shop and tried to invoice me for a smoke alarm she had bought herself.
If she needed a smoke alarm we would have bought her one (not that she can't buy her own) but it wouldn't have been a Christmas present. She would have had a present as well. Financing odd bits of hardware does not seem like a good way of dispensing Christmas cheer!

Oh, Toad, it makes me feel guilty for being miffed when you put it like that!

I've not done/sent anything to DH and won't now. Just got to sweep it under the carpet. I appreciate all your ideas, and poor you, Ruby with the air freshener!

I think, like MmeLindor, I will talk to him casually in a few months about it, and try and subliminally steer him round to being a bit more thoughtful in 12 months' time - as people have said, it's not as if my birthday creeps up on him by surprise, it was the same date every year the last time I looked ...

hobgoblin, he got the DC to make the card, which was fine with me really - I didn't require a separate one from him!

Katisha, I am at the smoke alarm story! What a cheek.

He tried [sort of]...he failed[totally]
They do that do men......time will sort it.I had an awwww bless moment I'm afraid when he said,'you dont like it do you?'
Have a nice tea with cold meat/cheese for the chutney and scones/crumpets for the jam and sit down and share it together as a family.
'Look how lovely it is that we can all enjoy my present from Daddy'.
Then for his birthday you can give him some little pots of pate and some crackers and do it all over again :)

Oh Katisha, weren't you tempted to set the house on fire to show off your present?

Yes but it would have melted the other present I bought for her, so restrained myself..