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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Spent the weekend with bf and her dh. Feeling very uneasy now.

41 replies

Pinkjenny · 31/05/2011 10:30

They seem to really, well, like each other. It was most disconcerting. Dh and I treat each other with contempt most of the time. Was a bit of a wake up call, tbh.

OP posts:

SunshineisSorry · 31/05/2011 10:41

I could have written this, i see other people together and think, blimey, they are really good friends aren't they. But then actually, i suppose DP and I are the same in front of others, you aren't going to be grunting at each other in company are you. Imagine how uneasy you would have felt if they had behaved normally with you there - you know, taking each other for granted etc. Its hard work being a parent and soemtimes i feel like we don't get past that and feel just like you do when with friends sometimes.

Guess we just have to make the effort, say nice things to each other, little taps on the bottom, that sort of thing - your DH might look at you like you are an alien at first, but he'll like it :) Honestly, i think the way you feel is pretty normal.

Coffeeisking · 31/05/2011 10:41

Have they recently been through a rough patch? I know me and dp can be full on if we have recently made up.

Also my bf and her dp are repairing their relationship after an affair and they are majorly ott at the moment. i think most couples are up and down.

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 31/05/2011 10:46

Sunshine - Thanks, that does make me feel a bit more normal!

Coffee - not that I'm aware of, but it's bf's second marriage, and I wasn't aware of any huge issues with her first husband until just before they divorced.

It was just unbelievably depressing. Although her dds are now 2.5yo and 5yo, whereas mine are 17mo and 4yo, so dh and I spent a lot of the weekend trying to control 17mo ds, which is marginally more stressful than two dds who play beautifully!

OP posts:

buzzsore · 31/05/2011 10:57

Erm, well, I don't think it is normal to treat each other with contempt. And while in company you might be more upbeat than usual, I think it's actually more normal to look as if you like your partner & get on.

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 31/05/2011 10:58

That's what I was worried about, buzzsore.

OP posts:

ScaredOfCows · 31/05/2011 10:59

Pinkjenny - why do you treat each other with contempt? Do you want a relationship more like your friends, and is that achievable with your dh?

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 31/05/2011 11:01

We just seem to rub each other up the wrong way. It wasn't necessarily the affection that made me, well, jealous is the wrong word, but ykwim, it was the fact that they are so easy with each other. Dh and I seem to spend a lot of time picking at each other.

OP posts:

yomellamoHelly · 31/05/2011 11:02

Understand where you're coming from. Royal Wedding made me feel a bit sad. They looked so loved up and into each other and reminded me that we used to be like that. Real life just gets in the way. Hope we'll get our groove back one day (not that I can see it happening soon - life too full on!).

HorseWhisperer · 31/05/2011 11:10

I see couples who nitpick at each other, but contempt? That is so sad Pinkjenny.

cestlavielife · 31/05/2011 11:16

take yourself and huisband to relate as a starting point...

SunshineisSorry · 31/05/2011 11:17

i think relate is a bit extreme, honestly, just set the ball rolling by doing nice things for each other, one of you has to start it, may as well be you

amverytired · 31/05/2011 11:21

I think relate sounds like it's needed.

I wouldn't brush off your uneasy feelings. Your subconcious is telling you something is wrong. It would be unwise to ignore it.

Anniegetyourgun · 31/05/2011 11:25

If you're basically two decent people who've got into bad relationship habits, these habits can be broken. This is probably a good book to start off with (and cheaper than Relate, though I wouldn't rule it out).

waterrat · 31/05/2011 11:27

blimey, how can you call relate 'extreme'? Its a marriage, you are parents to your children and their role model for what relationships are meant to be. Counselling if you are treating each other with 'contempt' and constantly picking at each other is hardly 'extreme'. What is extreme is going through life thinking it's normal to be unkind to your partner - and normal for the two of you to be enemies/ set against each other rather than best friends and constant loving support.

I dont think you can start simply by being kind - although that is vital. You will need to look at how it has come to this, what kind of thought patterns you are in regarding each other and how to communicate better.

Its not normal to treat your partner with contempt = and it's good if you can look at a happy couple and get a wake up....remember, your children are learning from you all the time. Every minute - they are subconsciously taking in the way you act.

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 31/05/2011 11:28

Mmm, all valid points. I think a good starting point would be to talk to dh, and see whether he felt the same.

OP posts:

SunshineisSorry · 31/05/2011 11:30

maybe extreme is a bad choice of words, but blimey - something about another persons relationship has flagged things up about the OPs own and you lot are suggesting marriage counselling. Feck, if its got to the stage where they cant sort it out between themselves without telepathy maybe somoen should suggest a good divorce lawyer. I thougt relate was for people who have problems and haven't been able to sort them out themselves yet

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 31/05/2011 11:32

Sunshine - I did ask a friend how long before someone tells me to leave him

I think it showed me a direct comparison of another couple, who are able to be nice to each other, support each other, and enjoy being with each other. This has provided food for thought. Nothing more at this stage.

OP posts:

ginmakesitallok · 31/05/2011 11:34

You know something? I think one of the most important things in a relationship is kindness. Once you start not being kind to each other I think something's wrong.

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 31/05/2011 11:35

If I didn't think something was wrong I wouldn't have started the thread.

OP posts:

SunshineisSorry · 31/05/2011 11:37

But now you know something is wrong, you can fix it makes mental note to be nicer to DP today

MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 11:38

I had this with DH....we got into the habit of backbiting after DD1 was born and we were both so tired.

I began to change my behaviour...and he changed his...doing it was better than over-talking it and making prmises.

I felt that if I changed and he did not respond then it would be time for councelling.

I began bby not sweating the small stuff...so what if he hadnt changed the bin? No biggie. Ask him to do it...or do it myself....ask him how he was...make him a cup of tea....rub his shoulder....it allcame back to me within a fortnight.

It wasn't an overnight success but he did see what I was doing and he did the same back.

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 31/05/2011 11:39

Mumbling - I think that's the first step. I did his ironing yesterday, so that's a start!

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 31/05/2011 11:39

And yes, the overtalking thing is definitely a good point.

OP posts:

MmeLindor. · 31/05/2011 11:40

Suggesting Relate is not suggesting divorce.

The point of marriage counselling is to make both parties sit down and talk honestly about what makes them happy and unhappy in the marriage. Having an independent listener stops the discussion descending into "Well, you did this.. and I told you that I didn't want to... you ALWAYS say that..." ending with shouting and tears and slamming of doors.

PinkJ
treating each other with contempt, bickering, picking at each other - it is not good. If you think that it is possible to sit down and work out what it is that annoys you about each other, without help then try that.

Maybe you could both do lists of what you dislike, and what you like about each other.

coffeeinbed · 31/05/2011 12:17

Few years ago we went to a silver wedding.
made me want to cry.

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