Spent the weekend with bf and her dh. Feeling very uneasy now.

[Pinkjenny]

They seem to really, well, like each other. It was most disconcerting. Dh and I treat each other with contempt most of the time. Was a bit of a wake up call, tbh.

Sorry, no advice, wish I had.
just sympathy.

I think Relate might be a good idea too. Maybe you need to be in the kind of environment offered by having a knowledgable third party there to guide you, to be able to really explore your relationship.

www.amazon.co.uk/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034

v. good book. I agree with others who say that you can change a relationship between two people simply by changing your own behaviour - one of the problems in this kind of situation is that often people are trapped into responding all the time, and not wanting to be kind because they are so hurt by the other person that they feel the other person would 'win' if they were to stop responding negatively. You can choose to be kind without 'losing' - and without being weak. You are in charge of your responses - although you can't control someone elses response.

Decide to be kind - and when the two of you are in a calmer phase, sit down and say that you would like to find new ways / better ways to communicate and be kind. Niggling becomes so ingrained.

I think that equating relate with divorce is bonkers! I have had therapy myself - it was amazing - life changing - not at all about failure, more about suddenly undersdtanding that I could change patterns of my own behaviour. So I would say the same about relationship counselling - its about being positive and believing that, with help, you can change even the most deeply ingrained patterns - as long as you both want to change.

It's got nothing to do with splitting up - quite the opposite.

OP - many people go through life with their head in the sands about the negative patterns in their relationship. See it as positive that you are not doing that, that you want things to be different - it's your relationship, you can change it.

Do you really mean contempt? If so, I'm sorry, that doesn't sound good. There have been various studies that have found that contempt between partners is the most damaging and difficult thing to repair in relationships: www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/mar/08/relationships-therapy-love-lab
There are definitely changes you can make yourselves, but I wouldn't rule out Relate. Counselling is going to most effective when couples go early, and don't wait until breaking point before they feel it's 'serious' enough. There isn't one marriage that wouldn't benefit from it.

Pinkjenny we are like this. We have 2 ds under 4 and are very very tired. Communication can sometimes be limited to barking instructions at each other.

I agree with Sunshineissorry, its the little things that count. dh bought me a magazine yesterday and it made my heart sing! we dont have energy for more than this just now.

Try not to compare yourself with other couples, you dont know what they are like when they are on their own!

Thanks for all your comments. I am stepping away from this thread now, but you have all been very helpful.

If the foundation of the relationship is good then I think it's totally possible to turn this sort of behaviour around. It's really easy to get into a rut and take each other for granted. Sniping can become a vicious circle - you snipe at him, he gets hurt so he snipes at you, you get hurt so you snipe and so on. You need to break the cycle by deciding not to react to the sniping no matter how hard it might be and by just being positive for a while. Ask questions, genuine questions about him and what he thinks, give him a compliment, smile at him, pinch his bum (or any other affectionate gesture), laugh at a joke he makes, just lighten the atmosphere. You might find, hopefully, that he starts to lighten up too and to reciprocate. People often comment on how well DH and I get on but I do make a conscious effort at it. I talk about what's bothering me but then I let it go and so does DH. We try to make each other laugh, do nice things for each other, smile at and kiss each other, and it keeps the relationship ticking along nicely :)

Thanks for that positive post, WriterofDreams

You could try "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. She has a good chapter about getting on better with her husband.

Just wanted to say good luck pinkjenny

Good post Writerofdreams

It's tiredness and habit, we do it we tend do do it more in front of people we don't know why we just bitch at each other. Some of our friends are similar, some are like yours and make me really jealous as they are just so happy and easy with each other and just have lots in common.

We are planning on spending more time together and just breaking the habit. Ultimately we do get on and stuff it's just slowly crept up on us.

I think for any couple with kids of 3 years old or younger, just not strangling each other at times is a big win! Don't discount what hard work small kids are, you are probably both tired, frazzled and often short tempered because of that.

Have ordered The Happiness Project.

Thanks to all.

I hope you like the Happiness Project. One thing I took from it is that I shouldn't expect my DH to like or want something just because I do. She sort of gets on with her own stuff and stops nagging him so much and I have tried that with quite good results.