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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH slapped me - in shock

47 replies

bouncingorange · 30/05/2011 22:44

We have been married two years, together for four and he has never done this before. Why now and what do I do?

OP posts:
comeandseetallulah · 30/05/2011 22:47

Have no really helpful comment, just didn't want to ignore this- what was the discussion/argument preceding this? Does he have a history of aggressive behaviour?

IAmTheCookieMonster · 30/05/2011 22:47

:-( I'm really sorry to hear that! That is awful!

What were the circumstances surrounding it? Not that there is ever any excuse for that to happen!!!!! It sounds really out of character, by the fact you have been together so long. Is he ok? Could it be a sign that he needs some kind of help?

bleedingstill · 30/05/2011 22:49

and how did he react after he did it?

PotteringAlong · 30/05/2011 22:49

Where is he? Where are you? Are you safe and ok right now as the most important immediate thing?

PurveyorOfBaloney · 30/05/2011 22:49

You poor thing, that is completely out of order, I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

There will be some ladies along soon with very good advice, but I just wanted to send you some thoughts now Sad

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/05/2011 22:52

Abusive men are never abusive at the start of a relationship, but four years is a long time for his abusive nature, if he is abusive, not to have shown itself. What has your relationship been like prior to this? Have you been accustomed to letting him have his own way all the time because you have picked up indications that he will get nasty if contradicted or thwarted?
If he's never shown any tendency to bully you before, has something major happened recently (bereavement, job loss, a head injury, major stress?)

squashycreech · 30/05/2011 23:03

Hoping you're safe and ok. Here if you need to talk.

Original poster
bouncingorange · 30/05/2011 23:10

Yes I'm safe it just came as a shock. DH had been out with friends and came home drunk. I laughed at something he said and he completely lost it.
He chucked his mobile across the room and I shouted (partly because I was scared) at him to calm down but this made him worse. He got up in my face and was calling me horrible names, I reacted and said some things I shouldn't have and he hit me.

OP posts:
Original poster
bouncingorange · 30/05/2011 23:12

I'm ashamed of how I behaved but I never in a million years thought he'd hit me

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 30/05/2011 23:12

There's a bit of a difference imo between a slap and 'he hit me'. Are you sure you are ok? Where is he now?
Did he express any remorse?

K999 · 30/05/2011 23:13

You have nothing to feel ashamed of....he is the one who abused you.

shelscrape · 30/05/2011 23:15

Contact your local women's aid www.womensaid.org.uk. There's a 24 hour helpline. They will give you good advice. Even though he was drunk his behaviour is inexcusable. Violence can never be excused.

Original poster
bouncingorange · 30/05/2011 23:15

All the noise woke up DD who was scared poor thing so I have settled her. Think I'll sleep in her room tonight. He refused to apologise and said I deserve it which is probably true

OP posts:
aleene · 30/05/2011 23:18

No-one deserves to be slapped. Do not take the blame.

squashycreech · 30/05/2011 23:19

Bleh, really horrible that he said you deserved it. No one deserves to be hit, ever. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected and loved.

Please call Women's Aid.

StrawberryMewMew · 30/05/2011 23:20

Unless you slapped him first then you definitely not deserve it!

Please don't tell yourself that.

PotteringAlong · 30/05/2011 23:22

The fact that he said you deserved it worries me. Is there somewhere you and DD can stay tonight (I know it's late) or, more to the point as he hit you, somewhere he can stay so you get some space, he can sober up, and you see what tomorrow brings?

tribpot · 30/05/2011 23:23

Stay safe. You did not deserve this. Do not allow him to minimise the seriousness of what he has done.

MsPav · 30/05/2011 23:23

You don't deserve to be assaulted, no matter what you said/did. How old is your DD? Do you want her to grow up thinking this is acceptable?

I'd call WA tomorrow first thing (wish I'd done this myself first time my XH hit me).

Original poster
bouncingorange · 30/05/2011 23:26

I am so tired just lately, DD is two and into everything at the moment and I'm also eight weeks pregnant (not planned). Part of me resents that his life hasn't changed at all and mine has been turned upside down

OP posts:
humptydidit · 30/05/2011 23:28

bouncin what's he like the rest of the time? If you're honest is it a totally isolated incident? I do'nt mean is it the only time he hit you, but is this the only problem you have in your relationship?

Take a look at this checklist for some pointers...

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

blackeyedsusan · 30/05/2011 23:28

you did not deserve it. he is responsible for his actions. he has been violent twice tonight. throwing a phone at/near you to frighten you and slapping you. both are unacceptable. these things often deteriorate. if you let it go, it will give him permission to do it again as there were no consequences. next time it may be worse.

look at the womens aid website. start making an exit plan now. you do not need to use it until you are ready. you may never need to use it.

StrawberryMewMew · 30/05/2011 23:29

Even worse he hit you while pregnant!? I'm sorry but it takes a complete scumbag to do that!

MooMooFarm · 30/05/2011 23:33

OP so sorry for you Sad.

You have done nothing wrong. Do not forget that, no matter what he may say. You 'said some things'. That's nothing. In a normal healthy relationship you should feel safe to vent your emotions by shouting anything you fucking well want to, knowing that your H will not resort to domestic violence in return.

This is definitely ok and you must not accept it. Sadly, it's not unheard of for DV to raise it's ugly head when a woman becomes pregnant and there is a shift in the relationship - if the man is that way inclined. Please do not let this one go. Do you have support you can draw on from your family & friends?

Do not feel ashamed as this is not your fault. Do not keep it a secret for him; tell whoever you think can help and support you through this.

MooMooFarm · 30/05/2011 23:34

Sorry! Obviously meant 'this is definitely not ok'....