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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH slapped me - in shock

47 replies

bouncingorange · 30/05/2011 22:44

We have been married two years, together for four and he has never done this before. Why now and what do I do?

OP posts:
sephrenia · 30/05/2011 23:40

He hit a pregnant woman?! What kind of knuckleshuffler thinks that's ever acceptable?

I'd be laying in wait until he went to sleep and then put sellotape all over his bollocks.

I think it's probably better that you speak to someone trained in this though, so give women's aid a ring.

CatPower · 30/05/2011 23:42

He hit you?

He's a shit. Drunk or not, he's a shit, and he'll still be a shit in the morning when he either pleads ignorance or tries to blame you for annoying him.

Please phone Women's Aid.

StrawberryMewMew · 30/05/2011 23:45

Sephrenia Yet again I completely agree with you.

It takes a really awful person to hit a pregnant woman. If you weren't pregnant, I might say that sometimes people do argue and it gets out of hand, but you being pregnant makes it a completely different situation altogether. He is putting yours and his unborn child's life at risk.

Please leave until he at least calms, however if it was me a member of my family would have taught him a lesson by now.

perfectstorm · 31/05/2011 00:32

It isn't just that he slapped you (though "just" is a weird word, in that context) it's that he says it was your fault - that you deserved it. That means no remorse and no comprehension of the seriousness of what he just did. And if you can't say evil and cruel things when stressed and hormone crased in early pregnancy, when the everliving hell can you? No, it's not admirable. No, you probably shouldn't have done it. But saying a few shitty things is on a different moral universe to slapping anyone - and a pregnant anyone? Jesus.

You know, DH and I have had some pretty brutal fights over the years. He'd no more hit me than fly. That's not something I feel any gratitude over.

Saying cruel things is socially unacceptable. Hitting you is a violent crime, and you being pregnant is an aggravating factor. I'd like to see him try to report you to the police for being a bit bitchy - but you could report him for raising his hand to you.

perfectstorm · 31/05/2011 00:34

Sorry, very tired- I meant I feel no gratitude, to him, because not being hit is like him not stealing from me or abusing our kids. I don't feel grateful to the person I share my life with for abstaining from criminal acts against his family.

MsPav · 31/05/2011 00:37

I was first hit when pregnant, it is unfortunately not unusual. Please please contact WA. It is not a one off and he will do it again.

The fact he is already refusing to apologise should be setting off alarm bells, not that an apology means anything in itself.

Do listen to what we are saying.

perfectstorm · 31/05/2011 00:51

Yep. According to Refuge over a third of DV begins or gets worse in pregnancy.

shelscrape · 31/05/2011 02:17

OP, perfect storm is unfortuantely correct. All research on DV shows that it will often start during pregnancy and then escalate. Sorry, don't want to scare you, but you need to do what you can to keep safe.

OK, so you mouthed off at him, but that never ever means you deserved to be hit. Please make contact with your local women's aid. They won't make you go into a refuge, women's aid offer good practical day to day support. If anything it will give you someone to talk to who has maybe had a similar experience.

tribpot · 31/05/2011 09:04

How are you today, bouncingorange?

fastweb · 31/05/2011 09:12

Imagine telling somebody about what he did.

What is your reaction to the idea ?

If it is fear, that he might hurt you, or punish you in non physical ways then potentially on some level you are probably not convinced that this was a totally out of character "one off". In which case decisive action to get yourself away from him is an immediate necessity.

And yes I would tell somebody, if he can't be honest about the enormity of what he has done if the event is discussed between just the two of you then he needs his behavior reflected in the horrified faces of people who know you both, and care very much about YOUR well being in order to see it for what it is.

My one single piece of advice is do not let this become "our secret".

If it was a one off then he needs to carry it around for what it is, a godawful, outrageous and damn near unforgivable thing to do, rather than something justifiable, half forgotten and detached from his self image.

When you chose to hit, or let yourself get out of control enough to hit, then you have to live with the natural consequences of that. Being known as somebody who does not belong to the group of people that others can declare "oh he would NEVER raise a hand".

If he is mortified, then so be it. It may be the emotionally response that saves him from ever repeating such an action again.

If he is not, if he seeks to justify and seek out those who will justify on his behalf and make his action YOUR responsibility (eg "she drove me to it"), then run for the hills, because the possibility of round two is far to high to risk for you, let alone your kids.

Hand on heart I believe that had she not kept his secret the sight of my mother cowering in anticipation of a slap across the face would not form some of the most vivid memories from my childhood. One such "film" in my head is my earliest memory. I would have been around 18-24 months old at the time.

It was occasional rather than regular. Infrequent (sometimes years apart) rather than constant, a slap rather than beatings. And yet it totally coloured my vision of what a relationship looks like for a long time.

Both of them colluding in keeping his secret meant we were forced into being guardians of his secret too.

Which is really not fair on a child.

I absolutely appreciate how hard it is for a spouse to whistle blow. So much fall out to consider. However the alternative to whistle blowing is to leave the children to either actively avoid speaking out, playing their in an unspoken family pact, or to screw themselves up into doing what needs to be done by telling somebody because the adults can't or won't. The sense of shame is not felt exclusively by the primary players, the audience carries it too if allowed to become the dirty laundry that must not be washed in public.

And a big, fat hug, because you must be reeling and in utter shock right now. I sincerely hope you have somebody in your life who will listen and take a stance that does not allow this to be minimized and swept under the carpet.

You did not deserve this, no matter what you said you are not responsible for somebody striking you (unless you have created a devise that allows you to take control of another person's central nervous system), you are entitled to a groveling, unreserved, non blame shifting apology at the very least.

And your children deserve, need, depend on, their mother believing the above.

I am so very sorry this happened to you. I am so very sorry your DP let himself down like this and I hope for everybody's sake it was an out of character act that comes to be deeply regretted and never repeated.

bouncingorange · 31/05/2011 10:15

He is full of remorse this morning and I'm relieved. It might seem a strange word in the context of what's happened but I really hope we can get through this and it is a one off. Do you think it's possible? He says it was the drink and it is not the first time he has been aggressive when he has come home drunk although he has never hurt me before. So I have told him if this is what drink does then he needs to stop drinking. He said he will do whatever it takes. I am not stupid enough to think its as simple as that but its a start

OP posts:
tribpot · 31/05/2011 10:24

I'm glad he's remorseful. What does he propose to do next? (I get the impression he has put the ball firmly in your court to decide what he needs to do, what about him? This is his responsibility, not yours).

I would call Women's Aid and take some advice from them. It may be that you notify your GP that it happened so that you have a record of the assault without having to go to the police. It may be that he should seek the GP's advice for anger or alcohol management. I know I would not want it swept under the carpet in case it is the first time rather than the last.

Please do think about fastweb's post, it is chilling reading.

Anniegetyourgun · 31/05/2011 10:25

Yes, it's a start, and I believe it is possible for this to be a one off. There has to be zero tolerance of aggression from now on, mind you. Now he knows he may hit you when he's been drinking, if he gives himself permission to drink he is effectively giving himself permission (in advance, while he's still sober) to hit you, or at least risk hitting you. That's why "it was the drink" is no excuse.

SunshineisSorry · 31/05/2011 10:26

Words come easily bouncing orange - ask him what he is going to actively do to ensure that this doesn't happen again. You say he has been aggressive due to drink before - so what, now when he drinks you are going to be the submissive partner and not say anything out of line in case you trigger him off? After all, its your own fault isnt it Hmm If you hadnt have shouted at him, if you had just left him be? So what happens when you have a crisis to face together? When he is under pressure? Had a few drinks? I don't believe this is unfixable, but this isnt really a one off is it as he has been verbally abusive due to alcohol before - there are warning bells going off in my head.

AuntieMonica · 31/05/2011 10:27

i'm glad you've been able to talk about this with your DP bouncing, but take it from one who's been in a very manipulative relationship in the past, an apology is good but it's not the answer.

he needs to stay off the 'pop' (if he's blaming that), and mean it.

the fear and anxiety surrounding the need to potentially protect young children from their father is unneccessary and is not the lifestyle you should accept for yourself either.

he needs help, with alcohol and/or anger management...this might sound overkill for what you say is an isolated incident, but do you really want to wait until the next time?

hope you're ok, we're all here for you

bouncingorange · 31/05/2011 10:30

We didn't have a chance to talk in detail this morning as he has now gone to work. Will update this evening if I can after we have spoken again.

OP posts:
gapants · 31/05/2011 10:34

bouncingorange

Leave, just for a couple of nights, but get out of that house, and send a clear message to him, that you are GONE at the slightest sniff of this type of totally unacceptable behaviour.

Drunk or not, you never ever hit. Never.

He needs help. I would want a big commitment to getting help, a GP appointment at the very least from him, no more alcohol, no more nights out until he has won your trust back.

fastweb · 31/05/2011 11:11

I really hope we can get through this and it is a one off. Do you think it's possible?

Yes. It is possible. How probable could well depend on to what extent

a) He is allowed to let this incident fade quickly without any examination as to how terrible his actions were, accepting (wholehearted) responsibility for them and living with the loss of self and external image as a man who does not hit women.

b) a clear understanding that not only will a repeat, however minor, have life changing consequences, but you also have a record of what preceded any repeat.

He said he will do whatever it takes

Then I'd suggest your first step is to find out if these are words or a declaration of action that will be undertaken. One option is making an appointment with either your or his GP and seeing him\her together, stating what happened and asking advice in terms of "what now ? counseling ?".

You'll have a witness to a "confession" in case it is ever needed. Your husband will have to make a public(ish) declaration of his actions in a remorseful, non "blaming somebody else for stuff I did" manner to an outsider that has a ring of "authority figure" about them. You will have sent a clear message to him that you will not keep his dirty secrets and therefore he will know, beyond any doubt, that he cannot rely on your silence as a reaction to any future actions. Which may well be the one aspect that leads him down the right track at this crossroads in his life.

I am not stupid enough to think its as simple as that

You are not stupid. You are in shock. Blown off course, in uncharted waters that are very choppy, which naturally leaves you scared to death that any movement will cause a capsize of some form. It is unsurprising that you will grab any sort of buoyancy aid proffered ("I'll do anything it takes !!") and stay stock still in the hope that this is just a freak storm will just blow over leaving blue skies from now on.

But you do need to make sure this is not kept secret, that you test his "I'll do anything" statement to see if it is empty placating words, or a real declaration of intent.

If not for you, then the child you already have and the one yet to be born.

You have my abiding sympathy, I feel awful for spelling things out in such unequivocal terms because emotionally all I really want to do is wrap you up in kindness after what you have been through and tell you everything is going to be OK. I do appreciate I'm am suggesting doing some very, very hard stuff that is not without its own price, just when you feel least equipped to manage much more than putting one foot in front of the other.

perfectstorm · 31/05/2011 13:15

I think the fact he's been aggressive when drinking before would worry me a great deal. Not everyone is aggressive when drunk. IMO it has to be in there to come out.

It's an awful situation and I won't pretend to have any idea what you should do. Other than access professional support, and go easy on yourself.

MooMooFarm · 31/05/2011 15:26

OP I'm glad that you've been able to talk about it and that you're feeling a bit better. I am still worried for you though TBH. It rings alarm bells for me that he's been aggressive before after drinking. As others have said, drink only brings out repressed parts of the personality that are already under the surface anyway. A man who would never be violent could drink himself into a stupor and still wouldn't be - ever. Drink is no excuse and don't let him make it one.

Maybe him not drinking again will help - but I would worry that there is a violent side to his nature and you don't know what may trigger it again in the future.

Personally I think you need to do two things. Firstly do not allow what happened to be a secret - insist he goes to his doctor and asks for a referral for some help with his anger issues/violence. Maybe go with him and both talk through what happened with the doctor. Then you are getting on record what happened, as well as getting him some help.

Secondly, in your position I would not be waiting at home for him this evening. I would get away from the situation and stay with a friend/family, even for just a couple of days, leaving him a note saying you need space to think (and preferably leave him instructions re him making an appointment with someone). Tell him he can contact you when he's made the appointment. DONT tell him it's temporary, tell him you need time to see what he does and how things pan out.

Please don't let him think he's off the hook, even if in your mind he is because you so desperately want things to work.

TBH in your position I would walk out and never look back, but then that's going on years of bitter experience of people around me. IF you want to try to be one of the couples who sucessfully get through something like this, it can only happen if you make him realise it hinges on him making changes - now. Please do something today - if not for yourself then for your baby.

MooMooFarm · 31/05/2011 15:27

Sorry I see I've xposted with things already said by fastweb

erebus · 31/05/2011 15:38

Yes, I'd be leaving for a couple of days as well- how he reacts to that will also be a good indicator as to whether he's serious about reforming or not. Either way, you are sending a clear message that you absolutely will not tolerate that sort of behaviour ever again. It won't hurt him to realise that you are prepared to leave for good (even if you haven't got that far in your head, yet!)

You must listen to the women who say 'I wish I'd dealt with it the first time it happened'.

Good luck.

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