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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH putting me down in front of kids

27 replies

lilliesmummy · 30/05/2011 21:32

I have been with DH for 6 years and we have two DDs aged nearly 5 and 4.

For the last couple of months now DH has been making remarks about me in front of them. Only trivial things really like "mummy can't cook" and "look at mummy's tummy" but it is starting to really upset me.

Today we all had sandwiches for lunch and I offered everyone a slice of melon after. The girls weren't hungry and DH didn't want any either but I did.
He then said to DD1 several times "tell mummy she's greedy" but DD1 just looked at both of us and wouldn't say it.

After I had bathed both of them and put them to bed I brought it up and told him I don't like him saying things like this in front of our DDs. But he brushed it off and said I am being oversensitive and need to "understand a joke when I hear one".

So is he right? Am I being oversensitive?

OP posts:
Selks · 30/05/2011 21:37

He is totally out of order. He is not being respectful of you at all, and it is damaging for your children to hear these things - it may be upsetting for them. It's totally not ok. How can you possibly think that he is 'right'?

He is not joking, even if he says he is. He is undermining you and being an offensive pig. Pull him up short on this in no uncertain terms and pronto. You don't have to live like this.

madonnawhore · 30/05/2011 21:39

Doesn't sound very funny to me.

Way to minimise your feelings:

You: "I don't think it's funny"

Him: "Well you're wrong"

I don't think you're being oversensitive at all. Making cruel jokes at others' expense is bullying.

katiekrafter · 30/05/2011 21:41

Sounds like the start of an abusive relationship to me - nip in the bud quick!

Meow75 · 30/05/2011 21:48

Turn it on him - is there something about him that he is possibly sensitive about. Ask him whether HE would think it was a joke that you repeatedly brought this up with the children, as a stick to (metaphorically) beat him with, so to speak.

I'm not suggesting that you actually do this, as I see no gain in coming down to his level, but also point out that DD1 didn't seem to think it was funny either. Even a five year old will know that being "greedy" is A Bad Thing.

Also remind him that you are not looking to teach your children to be mean to other people, and this should start with the way we behave towards our own family. How will he feel if you hear DD1 telling DD2 that she is "greedy" in a few months time simply because she would like an apple as well as a pear, for example.

I think that for someone who is supposed to love you, DH is behaving VERY badly. A joke indeed!!!

madonnawhore · 30/05/2011 21:52

There is no humour in being mean to somebody.

Original poster
lilliesmummy · 30/05/2011 21:53

I don't want my girls hearing it but other than telling him it upsets me I'm not sure what else I can do??

He makes remarks when it is just the two of us as well. A couple of times recently he has said he won't be back from work until late because he wants some "intelligent conversation for a change" and "the company of beautiful women"

I have no reason to believe he would ever be unfaithful but it is so hurtful Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
lilliesmummy · 30/05/2011 21:57

It's like he gets some kind of kick out of hurting me

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 30/05/2011 21:57

He's a cock.

Sorry, but there it is.

CarGirl · 30/05/2011 22:01

OMG he is being awful.

Doha · 30/05/2011 22:08

Twat

Jemma1111 · 30/05/2011 22:13

Be wary of him, he will chip away at your self esteem little by little until he has ground you down to rock bottom.

He is abusive to you and so therefore he is abusive to his kids, do you want to live like this? Hmm

humptydidit · 30/05/2011 23:39

lilliesmummy please have a read of this link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1219427-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships

Be honest with yourself, how many of the things of that list can you say "yes he does that"?
He sounds like he is an abusive man. It is totally unacceptable to treat you like this and to encourage your children to poke fun at you is completely out of order.

I am Sad for you, but look at it this way, if he turns out to be more abusive and you get it sorted now, you can protect your kids from any more of his nastiness.

humptydidit · 30/05/2011 23:40

Blush Blush

firstly, I messed up the link and secondly I put the wrong one, although that is a link to an emotional abuse thread, where I think you would find support...

Here is the link

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

MadamDeathstare · 30/05/2011 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

humptydidit · 30/05/2011 23:53

madam tbh, if he is abusive (which I suspect he will be) I doubt that he will be worried about that... although he will probably punish the kids later on in life if they speak to him like that.

You are right tho, it is wrong for kids to speak to adults like that, it shows a lack of respect... But I think that the issue here is that this man is showing a total lack of respect for his wife if he feels that it is acceptable to behave in this way.

lillies you don't deserve to be treated like that

squeakytoy · 30/05/2011 23:56

he has said he won't be back from work until late because he wants some "intelligent conversation for a change" and "the company of beautiful women"

he is a tosser...trust me on this, he is.

you have two choices as I can see it..... the first is to read him the riot act, demand a hell of a lot more respect from him, and give him a time limit to step up and treat you properly.. or secondly, tell him to fuck off and enjoy that company that he apparently craves...

I am not going to say you should leave him...

I shouldnt need to.

humptydidit · 30/05/2011 23:57

well said sqeaky
life is too short to waste of idiots like him

squeakytoy · 31/05/2011 00:03

It is Humpty. Any man who thinks they are being clever by coming out with that sort of shit is not worth being with.

What sort of message does it give to the kids when they hear their dad speak like this to their mum.

Life definately is too short to spend with wankers who dont care about you.

ScrotalPantomime · 31/05/2011 00:08

He's a bully.

HerHissyness · 31/05/2011 00:27

Sorry, but what a WANKER!

Honestly, why do these tossers think they have to say anything like that.

Next time Mr Bollocks says that shit about not being back from work until late because he wants some "intelligent conversation for a change" and "the company of beautiful women, you tell him

"Yeah DITTO, take your fucking time! I'll be on MN finding out how to take the very shirt off your back, arsehole."

Honestly, if you are going to be so bloody mean to someone, for no bloody reason at all, other than to swing your dick, why bother? Seriously? Why bother at all, why not leave us the heck alone?

ohmyfucksy · 31/05/2011 01:18

I would just divorce him. I don't have the time or energy for people like that.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 31/05/2011 11:14

I'm sorry for what you're going through, lilliesmummy. It's so hard to reconsider your relationship.

Please ask yourself:

  • Do you want your DDs to learn from him and also start belittling you?
  • Do you want them to learn from him and treat their future SOs the same way?
  • Do you want them to learn from you and accept that kind of treatment from their own future SOs?
MadamDeathstare · 31/05/2011 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 31/05/2011 14:09

Anybody feel like standing up for the OP's lovely DH, suggesting maybe she has let her tummy go, and commenting how lovely it is that he has a sparkling sense of humour?

No, thought not.

He's a rude man, thoughtless at the very least, abusive at worst. There is no reason why you should put up with being the butt of his offensive attempts at humour. No "you should lighten up" about it. He should button his lip.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 31/05/2011 19:30

Agree with everyone above, and I just want to add that it is particularly awful to be making jokes about food and body image issues to two young girls.

Horrible messages to be sending on every level.

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