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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I'm in shock

46 replies

Cadbury · 14/11/2005 14:37

My h has just come home froma work trip abroad and told me that he was unfaithful to me 8 and a half years ago when we had just got engaged.

I can't quite take it in. it was with his ex.

It had always been really special that we had saved ourselves for each other but it seems it was all a lie.

God I've been such a fool. I always thought we had a great relationship and we were honest with each other. I admit I used to feel really pleased with myself for catching the last remaining wonderful man when there are so many bastards and unhappy marriages out there. I can't believe I've been so stupid. I can't believe he has!

What am I going to do?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 14/11/2005 14:38

Why is he telling you this now?

How have my sympathy, at any rate, it sounds very unpleasant.

aloha · 14/11/2005 14:39

Why did he tell you? I don't think you are a fool at all, and neither do I think it means your marriage is not great and happy and good and worthwhile.
I can see though that it is a huge shock.

grumpyfrumpy · 14/11/2005 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 14/11/2005 14:41

I'd be more p*&£ed that he waited 8 years to tell me.

Fimbo · 14/11/2005 14:41

Is he still friendly now with the Ex?

LoveMyGirls · 14/11/2005 14:41

i feel for you but dont let it take away the happiness you shared for all these years it was obviously a mistake as he has stayed with and married you, i would be hurt too and i think it will take time to get over. i wish you the best.

GREATauntymandy · 14/11/2005 14:43

has he remained faithful since you got married?
Why tell you now?

fireflyfairy2 · 14/11/2005 14:44

What made him tell you that? (((Hugs)))

Id try and forget about it, it doesn't mean your relationship was based on a lie.. you have shared these years... do you have children?

Try and ask him why he chose now to tell you this.. have things been going okay for you both up until now?

compo · 14/11/2005 14:45

sorry you are feeling so awful about this What a selfish thing to do to tell you now. I agree with Aloha though, it doesn't mean that your marriage is not every bit as special as you think it is. sounds like you need to sit him down and have a long talk about why he did it, and why he told you now

handlemecarefully · 14/11/2005 14:47

I'm joining the chorus of why on earth would he tell you now???

stumpweasel · 14/11/2005 14:53

While in India did he go to a spiritual adviser or shamen who advised him to clean up his karma by telling you? Otherwise it seems so odd and unkind to do it out of the blue and heap his guilt on you.

However, if he's been faithful since, then find a way to move forward. If this is his only serious error of judgement in all your years of marriage, then focus on the good things and good times and how you can rebuild your trust, albeit slowly.

NotActuallyAMum · 14/11/2005 14:59

You haven't been a fool, don't be so hard on yourself

I'm also wondering why on earth he's told you now. If this was me I'd say if he's been faithful during the marriage I might forgive him

Has he been faithful to you since you married? Have you asked him why he's suddenly decided to tell you?

Original poster
Cadbury · 14/11/2005 15:00

he said that he had felt he needed to - God prodding him in the back a lot recently overthis. he needed to come clean

he isn't in contact with hr now but we were both frinds with her in the early years of our marriage. Me and her got on really well.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 14/11/2005 15:00

Do you think something happened on the work trip and he is using this as an excuse?Just seems a strange time to tell you

handlemecarefully · 14/11/2005 15:12

Well perhaps it really has been eating away at him for the past 8 years....

Turquoise · 14/11/2005 15:15

Cadbury I'm so sad and surprised that this is your thread. You must be devastated.
I can understand that this must have been very hard for him to live with, and maybe it's precisely because you have such truth between you he couldn't stand it any longer? He is the good, loving husband you have been with for the past eight years, as well as the foolish thoughtless young man who did this and hid it from you all that time ago.
How has he been generally recently? Is he prepared to talk this through as much as you need?
Hugs to you mate, you know where I am if you need me.

handlemecarefully · 14/11/2005 23:52

Off to bed now, but thinking of you and your dh's bombshell and hoping that everything is okay....

Original poster
Cadbury · 15/11/2005 10:46

we talked a lot last night and slept in separate rooms. We have aggreed to find someone to talk to abut this to help us work through it. I don't know what else to do. We are being civil but the kids are starting to notice. Not sure anything will be the same again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cadbury · 15/11/2005 10:46

oh, and thanks for your support guys.

Mars, you are a saint.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 15/11/2005 11:04

Cadbury, you did find the one wonderful and true man left. Mine had slept with about 4 other women before me, and I think I did pretty well! I realise it must be gutting for you to think that he had saved something so precious for you. But this was such a long time ago, he obviously feels bad about what he did, it must have taken him a lot of soul-searching and courage to finally come clean; I mean, there is no reason he couldn't have gone on lying is there? You would have been none the wiser and your marriage would still be a happy one. But he has risked all of this to tell you, it's a big risk to take but he obviously felt that he had to do it.

If you had found out 8 years ago, would you have forgiven him? Would you have still married him? You see, I think that he has given you 8 years of happy marriage and wonderful children, so why dwell on this one mistake? Whatever his reasons where for doing it, I would be happy that my husband had shown the courage to own up to it, after all the longer you leave it the harder it gets to come clean.

Have a good chat about it, try to find out why he did it and why he didn't tell you straight away. Then I would try to put the matter to one side and carry on with my happy marriage. Because he chose you at the end of the day, he went back to you, and his coming clean now is just a reaffirmation of that, he wants to be that man you thought him to be, honest.

I really do hope it all works out.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 15/11/2005 11:15

Brilliant post Rubarb.

3cherubs · 15/11/2005 11:16

I can only imagine how the trust has been broken and painful it is. It must come as a huge shock to find this out and actually in your situation I would rather never have found out!

BUT- this was a long time ago, he does not seem to be the type of guy from what you say to have had a string of affairs. You have had a good 8 years together. You have children. Is it worth losing the last 8 years because of something that happened as a one off all those years ago? I am not justifying it or saying the hurt and pain should not be there, but rather going for counselling and finding a way forward may be the best thing in the long run.

So my advice is perhaps controversial, but although things may not be quite the same again, we all have all done things we have regretted in life, we are all human and not perfect. It is impossible to forget, but can you forgive him for a stuipid and big mistake he made 8 years ago?

MarsLady · 15/11/2005 11:20

I'm no saint babe.... but call as and when you need.

Some good advice here for you. Remember it's only night for a little while, morning will come.

Did you hide the knives and eat out of plastic? lol

Original poster
Cadbury · 15/11/2005 12:35

3 cherubs and Rhubs, your advice is sound. Thankyou.

He is a good man and we will work through this but the pain of betrayal is tremendous at the moment. It will take lots of time to come to terms with this and I doubt things will ever be the same. We will try though. I am not about to kick him out forever.

Mars - knifes away and nothing broken. bless you.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 15/11/2005 12:56

cadbury I admire your dignity and will to sort this out Some things are worth saving

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