I think I'm in shock

[Cadbury]

My h has just come home froma work trip abroad and told me that he was unfaithful to me 8 and a half years ago when we had just got engaged.

I can't quite take it in. it was with his ex.

It had always been really special that we had saved ourselves for each other but it seems it was all a lie.

God I've been such a fool. I always thought we had a great relationship and we were honest with each other. I admit I used to feel really pleased with myself for catching the last remaining wonderful man when there are so many bastards and unhappy marriages out there. I can't believe I've been so stupid. I can't believe he has!

What am I going to do?

Message withdrawn

Cadbury, please don't let this spoil everything. I have no idea what spurred him to tell you this now but it happened so long ago, it really shouldn't affect what you have spent 8.5 years making.
You have every right to be cross, but please don't let it change everything. It is an event from a long time ago, that is completely unrelated to what you have done together in the time that has elapsed since.

I really think you should try to put it out of your mind. I would not let something like this ruin a good marriage. (Not that long ago my DH told me that he had been worrying about something that happened a long time ago - trust me much worse than your DH's confession). Just so you know I have been there and understand what you're going though. I decided that there was no harm actually done and I wasn't going to destroy our lives because of it.

too for me that this is your thread Cadbury. I don't quite know what to say here. Do you want some company later on? Just call.

Thanks my friend. Could do with a coffee together sometime in the next few days. Reality is a bit odd at the mo.

It really is. I think this one can heal though with time and a mutual desire to rebuild what's been broken iyswim. Can come over tomorrow, Thurs or Fri around 11ish - have appt in town Thurs am though, so maybe a little later than 11. {{{{{o}}}}}}

Cadbury, I am a regular but have changed my name to maintain some anonymity.

My DP and I ahve been together for nearly 6 years, we live together, have a family togther and are soon to be married.
When DP and i had been together for 6 months i went on a girls holiday and ended up sleeping with someone, it was once and once only. I have never felt guilt like it, at the time I convinced myself it was OK as DP didn't actually mean that much to me and we had only been together a short time.
I broke it off with DP as soon as i returned from holiday due to the guilt I felt and still now he knows nothing about it. I have gone to tell him god knows how many times but something stops me everytime.
I can certainly understand why your DH said "He just had to tell you". I often still wonder now if I should tell DP but i haven't.

I am not saying your DH has or hasnt done the right thing but I can see things from his perspective as well as yours.
I hope you work things out. He obviously told you because he thought it was the best thing to do

have parent and toddler group to run on Weds, so how about coming here for lunch on Thursday?

Sounds good. Will do.

How're you doing Cadders?

Aero

Yu beat me to it, I was just making my Christmas cake thought of Cadders, came in here to post.

thanks guys. Have talked further. Feeling a bit dazed today. Can carry on as normal and not think about it for a while (especially with a snotty and grumpy ds - don't know how he'll be tomorrow aero - think he is over the worst, it just sounds and looks dreadful now) but then it hits me hoee huge this is and I either feel full of rage or really low and fat and worthless. Someone told me today that I had a face like a wet weekend.

thanks for asking, I meant to say

Oh dear - I hope you smiled and said thank-you! (not). Ds2 is full of snot too (but ok in himself) so don't worry to much about that unless you're worried about even more germs! I wish I knew what would help, but I do feel sure you'll work through this. You're feeling low for a number of reasons though and this probably couldn't have come at a worse time. However - I think you look fantastic regardless - in fact you inspired me (with your new jacket) to go buy some new clothes on Monday, so I did. Blow the workout - I went to Bluewater!

Sorry to come to this late. I was in a similar situation earlier this year, when I found out dh had had an affair many years ago, before we got married. I love him, I know he loves me, I think we have a good marriage, and I hold on to the fact that he married me AFTER this happened. I hope you can do the same. However, I do worry about why he told you. I sort of disagree with some of the things that have been said. I found out by accident, and would MUCH rather not have found out. This is not the same as a current affair. It is over and finished, and does not imply there is something wrong with your current relationship, so why put you through the pain? I don't care if his conscience was troubling him. He shouldn't be feeling better at your expense. Has finding out helped your relationship? These are the questions I would be asking. I hope you can come to terms with things. My biggest problem is knowing that if I'd found out at the time, I would probably not have married him, and then looking at our life and children and realising what I would have missed. It's all quite unreal. Take care!

Aero, glad to hear you indulged your shopping thereaoy needs - far more productive than the gym anyway. As for looking good - I think you have confused me with some one else. I'm the obese spotty one with the bad hair cut.
I thought I'd make some carrot and corriander soup today so don't bring anything for lunch. Got it covered.

Beckybrasttraps - thankyou for your honesty. I'm sorry you have been through this aswell. I think I understand a bit more now why he couldn't not tell me about this. He knew it would shatter me but knew that being honest in our relationship has to be more importenat. He could have gone on for the rest of our lives together not telling me but it would never have gone away for him. He is essentially an honest man and this was eating away at him. I know its now eating away at me and this hasn't made him feel better telling me but he couldn't keep lying to me abiout it. I am shocked that he has been able to lie about this on so many occasions before but that's something I will have to deal with. I also know that if he had told me at the time, I wouldn't have married him. That would be a very strong reason not to tell me then.

Hiya Cadders.

Hi Aero... enjoying lunch? lol

Big kiss and hugs today chocolately cousins.

lovely soup and rolls and some thorntons toffee chocs - yum!

Only turned on the pc now so missed the message not to bring anything!! Soup was fab - must make some. Felt the chocs were an appropriate necessity under the circumstances.
I can see how shattered you are by this, but I can also see that you want to mend the damage as best you can. You love each other - I know that, and it is very early days - you have a lot to work through.

This is a relationship which is more than worth saving. H will be punishing himself for a very long time over this, but that doesn't make it any easier for you to take in and I'm sure forgiveness is a looooooooooooong way off. I believe that you have the inner strength and desire (even if you can't see it yourself right now) to want your marriage to work though. I think the counselling will help (I'm a bit crap at that side of things, but always here for you). Someone who knows the right things to ask/say will hopefully put you both on a journey back to each other perhaps in a way you've not known before.
You are a beautiful person in every way and in no way did you deserve this. I'm so sorry you have been so hurt like this.

If H ever should read this post, I guess I'd be in the same boat as your parents on this one.......let him who is without sin...................etc, but my support is with you Cadbury.....anytime (in a not taking sides way - you are both my friends and one day, I believe you will be happy together again).

Sorry I've probably garbled a bit there and doubt I've made sense at all, but I mean well - truly I do.

Cadders!!!!

I never want to read such negative comments about yourself again young lady!

You are a truly wonderful, beautiful woman.

Kisses, hugs and prayers!

Glad lunch was good!

Cadbury,
hope you're working things out.

Have you seen this

May be helpful?