Again my life's not what I thought or hoped it would be

[partytime]

I thought I'd found a good man, and I had, I fell in love with him and thought he felt the same way, but it turns out he didn't.

I've been seeing him about a year and things had been great, no pressure, we both have our own lives, his particularly busy with 4DC and a business, mine with 2 DC who live away from home and a job. We are both going though divorce, mine especially nasty and we've been a source of support and comfort to each other.

At times he's been distant, he withdraws when he has things on his mind, I accept this is his coping mechanism. I've never pressured him but tried to help if I could. On occasions he's said that he felt he was being unfair to me, that he was useless, couldn't give me what I needed.

I haven't asked anything of him, not to live together eventually or any long term commitment, I've been happy with the way things are.

It came to a head on Saturday morning when he said the same things again. I got upset as I could see that this time we needed to get to the bottom of it once and for all. He left and went to work, no further discussion.

I've mulled things over the rest of the weekend and tried to assess what I wanted from my relationship with him. I love him, if we have a future then great, I enjoy his company, what would I do without his friendship, I would be lonely again, would I find someone else, how long would I be alone for, could I do it again? A lot of the questions are unanswerable but fears I have about my future generally.

So this morning we started a text conversation and it seems he's not in love with me, even though he has said he was, nor can he see a time when he would be, he feels he will never find what he had in his marriage and isn't prepared to try, he says he will be a lonely old man, that is his fate.

I told him we couldn't continue such a conversation by text and so I am meeting him in half an hour. I know this is the end but I'm going to miss him so much, I'm crying writing this and at the thought of it all.

I'm trying to tell myself it's not my fault or anything about me that's wrong, he's just not that into me! I know he's still screwed up after his wife left him but that was almost 4 years ago, he carries a lot of guilt.

After everything with my stbexh, the disruption to my life, the changes I'm trying to make, moving house, areas, job, the upset to the Dcs, the ugly divorce case; He was the one bit of goodness in it all and now he's going as well.

I just feel so sad and alone again.

[partytime]

Helen - what a lovely message, I do know myself too well perhaps and I do analyse my life constantly, always wanting to do more but not equipped to find out, for whatever reason.

Strawberry - without too much detail in case anyone RL knows me. I have been in the grips of a lengthy battle with H and lawyers for a year under the 'Collaborative' approach to a divorce settlement. Good in theory but not so good in reality especially as H feels he owes me little in the way of maintenance. He pays for DC happily but not me, in as much as he pays the mortgage and bills for the family home but I have a low extra income of my own that covers food, petrol and that's it. We have abandoned the 'Collaborative' way and I am in the process of taking it through the courts. Very nasty indeed.

[partytime]

I've resurrected my thread from earlier in the week to add this question and see what your opinions are.

I think I may have begun to get an understanding of how new man is feeling about me following a brief chat last night.

He says that the closer we got emotionally, beginning to know each other really well, the more he saw me a friend rather than a lover. He finds me attractive and says he loved the sex we had together. But as time went on it developed into an intense, close friendship and he couldn't find the last part within himself to be in love with me.

Does that make any sense at all???

I miss him so much, his feelings are so different to mine, I know I love him, it's all very sad.

[SingingTunelessly]

Hi Partytime, sorry you are still feeling so bad. Regarding his message - well it doesn't change anything does it? The end result is still the same. In fact I'm not sure I even understand it. The gist being that the more time you spent together and the deeper his feelings became, meant that he saw you more as a friend than lover?! Oh please.

Can you not break the contact with him totally? I understand you don't want to but perhaps you need to for your own sanity and recovery.

[partytime]

Singing you're right the comment doesn't change anything at all, I suppose I'm just trying to get my head around it all and maybe looking for a glimmer of hope where there is none.

I'm trying to break contact been at a friends for the weekend, cried buckets yesterday but that was on a bellyfull of wine and very little food, very silly I know. I've not had any contact since Friday night, I need to keep strong I know, I've done this before and I should be able to do it again.

[strawberryjelly]

Partytime- (((((((((hugs)))))))

it's tough but you need to start letting go. No easy way to say it- but he doesn't want more. His "reasons" don't make sense- other than to say he likes you lots but it's not love- for him.
Are you making the contact? if so, stop, as it's only exposing you to more talk like this from him which will upset you more.

Maybe turn it round and tell yourself that if he doesn't appreciate you- well, he can't be that nice a guy. can he?