Again my life's not what I thought or hoped it would be

[partytime]

I thought I'd found a good man, and I had, I fell in love with him and thought he felt the same way, but it turns out he didn't.

I've been seeing him about a year and things had been great, no pressure, we both have our own lives, his particularly busy with 4DC and a business, mine with 2 DC who live away from home and a job. We are both going though divorce, mine especially nasty and we've been a source of support and comfort to each other.

At times he's been distant, he withdraws when he has things on his mind, I accept this is his coping mechanism. I've never pressured him but tried to help if I could. On occasions he's said that he felt he was being unfair to me, that he was useless, couldn't give me what I needed.

I haven't asked anything of him, not to live together eventually or any long term commitment, I've been happy with the way things are.

It came to a head on Saturday morning when he said the same things again. I got upset as I could see that this time we needed to get to the bottom of it once and for all. He left and went to work, no further discussion.

I've mulled things over the rest of the weekend and tried to assess what I wanted from my relationship with him. I love him, if we have a future then great, I enjoy his company, what would I do without his friendship, I would be lonely again, would I find someone else, how long would I be alone for, could I do it again? A lot of the questions are unanswerable but fears I have about my future generally.

So this morning we started a text conversation and it seems he's not in love with me, even though he has said he was, nor can he see a time when he would be, he feels he will never find what he had in his marriage and isn't prepared to try, he says he will be a lonely old man, that is his fate.

I told him we couldn't continue such a conversation by text and so I am meeting him in half an hour. I know this is the end but I'm going to miss him so much, I'm crying writing this and at the thought of it all.

I'm trying to tell myself it's not my fault or anything about me that's wrong, he's just not that into me! I know he's still screwed up after his wife left him but that was almost 4 years ago, he carries a lot of guilt.

After everything with my stbexh, the disruption to my life, the changes I'm trying to make, moving house, areas, job, the upset to the Dcs, the ugly divorce case; He was the one bit of goodness in it all and now he's going as well.

I just feel so sad and alone again.

[strawberryjelly]

Partytime- (((((((((hugs)))))))

it's tough but you need to start letting go. No easy way to say it- but he doesn't want more. His "reasons" don't make sense- other than to say he likes you lots but it's not love- for him.
Are you making the contact? if so, stop, as it's only exposing you to more talk like this from him which will upset you more.

Maybe turn it round and tell yourself that if he doesn't appreciate you- well, he can't be that nice a guy. can he?

[partytime]

Singing you're right the comment doesn't change anything at all, I suppose I'm just trying to get my head around it all and maybe looking for a glimmer of hope where there is none.

I'm trying to break contact been at a friends for the weekend, cried buckets yesterday but that was on a bellyfull of wine and very little food, very silly I know. I've not had any contact since Friday night, I need to keep strong I know, I've done this before and I should be able to do it again.

[SingingTunelessly]

Hi Partytime, sorry you are still feeling so bad. Regarding his message - well it doesn't change anything does it? The end result is still the same. In fact I'm not sure I even understand it. The gist being that the more time you spent together and the deeper his feelings became, meant that he saw you more as a friend than lover?! Oh please.

Can you not break the contact with him totally? I understand you don't want to but perhaps you need to for your own sanity and recovery.

[partytime]

I've resurrected my thread from earlier in the week to add this question and see what your opinions are.

I think I may have begun to get an understanding of how new man is feeling about me following a brief chat last night.

He says that the closer we got emotionally, beginning to know each other really well, the more he saw me a friend rather than a lover. He finds me attractive and says he loved the sex we had together. But as time went on it developed into an intense, close friendship and he couldn't find the last part within himself to be in love with me.

Does that make any sense at all???

I miss him so much, his feelings are so different to mine, I know I love him, it's all very sad.

[partytime]

Helen - what a lovely message, I do know myself too well perhaps and I do analyse my life constantly, always wanting to do more but not equipped to find out, for whatever reason.

Strawberry - without too much detail in case anyone RL knows me. I have been in the grips of a lengthy battle with H and lawyers for a year under the 'Collaborative' approach to a divorce settlement. Good in theory but not so good in reality especially as H feels he owes me little in the way of maintenance. He pays for DC happily but not me, in as much as he pays the mortgage and bills for the family home but I have a low extra income of my own that covers food, petrol and that's it. We have abandoned the 'Collaborative' way and I am in the process of taking it through the courts. Very nasty indeed.

[strawberryjelly]

might be a silly question but have you had legal advice? if your DH (ex) has so much money and you are struggling, should he not be parting with some cash in the form of maintenance?

[heleninahandcart]

You must be feeling absolutely desolate right now. It does sound as if you do know yourself and what you would like.

It is easy for people to suggest you spend some time alone. Yes its a good idea to get used to the house etc on your own, but you've just been honest that you would prefer to still be with him. You were actually very brave in having the conversation you did, many would have not dealt with it. What I'm trying to say is please don't now start thinking its all somehow down to your actions or feelings because you weren't ready. He said a long time ago he was not being fair, this is the warning bell. Good man, not quite feeling what he thinks you deserve.

You've already done all the join a club things, it IS lonely not having companionship at the weekends, sometimes those who do have close company take this for granted. You already know what you have to do.

And although you feel like hell at the moment, there is a glimmer there in your writing of what the future might bring you... Remember you do deserve to be loved totally, and now you have the possibility of this happening one day.

[nomedoit]

Will you have more money after the divorce?

[partytime]

yep definitely broken up, although my friend tonight was of the opinion that he would be back after a few days, but I don't think so.

I live north of Oxford but south of Birmingham., I love galleries and museums and have spent many a happy hour by myself in those places.

Oh and how I wish I could afford a holiday, any where, I've cancelled one with a DC as I have no cash to spare, my stbexh is on his 3rd this year so far, lucky him.

I want to travel so I'm looking for an adventure, hopefully cheaply.

[nomedoit]

I second strawberry about being comfortable with the empty house before you get in a relationship. Otherwise, you will always fear it at the back of your mind and I think that comes across subconsciously and you attract the wrong type.

[iseeyou]

HAVE YOU DEFINATELY BROKEN UP?

[strawberryjelly]

If you can afford it, why not try something like a holiday for unattached singles- but which is not a dating club? something like Exodus?

or a club for singles like Nexus?

Don't know where you live, but are you into galleries, exhibiitons, etc?

Can you plan something for yourself every weekend? or ask a friend to go away with you maybe once a month?

I am sure I would feel just as you do after a long marriage. But somehow you have got to get to t he stage where the empty house doesn't bother you so much- or you are so busy that you aren't in it so often at a weekend.

Filling the space- emotional and physical- so quickly is dangerous as you are vulnerable and might compromise or attract similar needy/rebound men.

[partytime]

All constructive advice but I've tried so much, I'm not a hobbyist type person, I walk the dog, go to the gym, garden, that's it. I think endlessly about what I should do, but struggle. It's as if the world expects you to be doing something and friends I know with hobbies often do them alone, eg cake making, soft furnishings, jewelry making, just not for me.

I know I sound negative, but I do lack direction at times, a thing I work on with my counsellor.

I work in a predominantly female environment, just one man, and again there are no opportunities for socialising with them.

I'm not relying on a relationship to make me happy, I am generally very happy, but I do want to be in a relationship at some point that enhances my life and I thought this was it.

[nomedoit]

PS - my ex had addiction issues and I went to Al-anon which taught me so much about me, the choices I had made and how to live my life focused on me not him!

[Lizzabadger]

I think you need to work on being good as a single person. Can you fill your weekends with volunteering and hobbies so you have things to look forward to? It is a total cliche but relying on a relationship to make you happy is a hiding to nowhere.

[nomedoit]

I am sorry things didn't work out, party. I do absolutely know how those weekends can be, stretching out. I used to think/know that if I fell down the stairs on a Friday night, no one would notice I hadn't been around all weekend.

I think it is important to remember that many people in couples are struggling and would love to be on their own. I do not idealize married life any more. I also think that the social life takes time, longer than 8 months in my experience. It's like creating a web, you have to spin it over time. I never met anyone at the gym but I did meet people in a running club. I also found that I met more people through work-related organizations than I did through classes etc. After a year or so, maybe 18 months, the empty house stopped bothering me. I just got used to it and then I actively liked it. You sound lovely but you have to give it time. A very good counsellor told me it takes at least two years to get over a divorce and not to date during that period. I had other issues as well and so I followed the advice and I am really glad I did.

[CarGirl]

Hugs, you're allowed to be disappointed at the way it's turned out.

It is hard been single when lots of your circle have "family" stuff on at the weekends etc and you're staring at blank walls etc.

[partytime]

I hadn't spoken of him much to her other than he was in my life and I enjoyed it for what it was, as he gave me kindness, affection, companionship, fun, I could go on with his good points, he enhanced my life.

I know I haven't spent a lot of time on my own, in fact I was alone for just 8 months before I met him, so you could say 'how do you know that you don't like single life', but I do know I hate being in the house alone, no weekends to look forward to, my DC living away at Uni so not even them to focus on, no family near by, a few dear close friends on the doorstep, not exactly the buzzing social life of a single girl.

I've tried the gym, a choir, night classes, dancing, zumba, all fine but no friendships male or female have come of it.

I am very friendly, sociable, like to party (used to all the time with H), I like all people from all walks of life, I'm open to new challenges. In fact I've done what most on these boards recommend but nothing has come of it.

I am extremely happy with myself, in that I have a good job, not well paid but I love it, I love my DC, my family and friends, I'm happy with my appearance, my weight etc, I know my marriage ended but I was happy and so was he (I'm one of those whose H cheated as the opportunity arose and he felt entitled even though our marriage was good, he admits this, WWIFN talks about them often)

So where do I go from here, apart from stop feeling sorry for myself, no ones died.

[nomedoit]

party How do you know that you don't like the single life if you were married for 22 years and you are not divorced yet! Like you, I do better in a relationship but it's only the icing on the cake. I spent a couple of years on my own after my marriage broke up and it was the best thing, even thought I didn't think so at the time. I hate the cliche that you have to be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else but it is true.
What does your counsellor advise? Did she think this man was good for you?

[strawberryjelly]

sorry.

Sounds like it was just too soon for him and what with all his other pressures of work ,kids and divorce, it was too much.

[TheOriginalFAB]

See him as a practice run. You are heart broken at the moment but that will pass and now you know exactly what you want and know you shouldn't settle for less.

I spent 2 years with someone telling me it was enough to live with him as it was better than nothing, even though I wanted marriage and children. I left him when he hit me so when I met someone on a blind date, after spending 10 hours together I asked him if he ever wanted to get married and have kids. I said he didn't have to marry me! Well, he did and we are happy.

Have some time to grieve for what has gone and look to the future stronger and more certain what it is you want.

You have a lot to offer.

[partytime]

garlic - this is so true, that's why I fell for him, he's a lovely, kind, good man, with so much of his own to sort out that he can't find room for me, all understandable.
If nothing else it's proved to me that not all men are selfish, arrogant and self-absorbed like my H was/is.

[partytime]

strawberry - don't get me wrong when I said no social life, I didn't mean no friends around here. I feel I have a good support network, who've helped me tremendously through the last 18 months or so. People I can rely on.
I know I got a huge amount from my relationship from him not just the support, this is why I've spent so much time mulling it all over, before I took the plunge to confront it, knowing the probable outcome.

[garlicbutter]

How sad for you :(

Your hopes have been shattered this time. But ... he has been honest, and good to you. You say your divorce was especially nasty: in the past year, you've known and shared your thoughts with a genuinely good man.

You'll need to grieve for this loss but soon, I hope, you'll be able to feel gratitude for his support over a very hard time and for having learned you can love a good man - and that they exist!

Meanwhile, coddle yourself :)

[partytime]

nomedoit - I have been in counselling for a year, various kinds, the latest is great I have an appointment with her every two weeks. I am ok with my marriage break up and the reasons for it, although the divorce is a battle around money, most distasteful to me.
I haven't focused on him either we have busy separate lives as well as our time together, seeing each other just a couple of times a week and alternate weekends, it worked or so I thought.