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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you cope with your kids liking the OW?

28 replies

Barney4 · 29/05/2011 21:29

My husband of 11 years left me for another woman. Our two children visit him everyother weekend. And as she lives with him she is always there. When I speak with them on the phone to say goodnight my three year old tells me about his day and all the wonderful things he has done with his younger brother, Dad and the other woman.
I am at home feeling very alone having to hear about him having a wonderful time as a family. A family he can have as and when he wants as he recently demonstrated when he went on holiday without taking his children and he has another holiday booked again without his children. He can play at having no responsibilities and having fun with her when I can not even find the time to get my haircut.
How do other people cope with this situation as I am struggling.

OP posts:
ohmyfucksy · 29/05/2011 21:31

They're only there two days out of fourteen. It's easy to like someone when you only do fun stuff with them

Would you be happy to only see your kids every other weekend? If you wanted access to be shared more equally, could that not be arranged?

Original poster
Barney4 · 29/05/2011 21:33

I wouldn't want my children to be around her more than they have to.

OP posts:
orangepuffle · 29/05/2011 21:37

Barney4.

I drink a lot of wine, and often bawl my eyes out. It blardy hurts, especially when the H just adopts a new family in the blink of an eye. Mine is also expecting a new DC despite not contributing to our family for almost two years and simply "summoning" the DC once every few weeks.

Create new memories with your DC. Things that are special to you and them. Stick to routines. No one can ever replace you as Mum. Not even Fun Dad.

anothermum92 · 29/05/2011 21:37

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totallylost · 29/05/2011 21:39

But maybe better than OW being someone who hates them and makes them feel upset?

ohmyfucksy · 29/05/2011 21:42

'I wouldn't want my children to be around her more than they have to.'

But that's for your benefit, not theirs - you say they like her. It is better than her being horrible to them. She is in their life now.

You'll always be their mum and no. 1, so don't worry about that.

lazarusb · 29/05/2011 21:50

Your children may like the OW but I promise you, no-one will ever be more important in their lives than you.
I was 11 when my Mum went to live with OM. He was my Dad's best friend so I already liked him but as I grew up I realised (the hard way) where my Mum's priorities really lay and exactly where I came on the list after him, her job, her family, her friends... Your children aren't replacing you, please don't worry.
When they are with him do something for yourself - that haircut, a friend round and a bottle of wine, a long bath and a good book, a film and a BIG bar of chocolate...
Honestly, it is better that they have a positive relationship with her rather than a poisonous and jealous one.

PunkPixie · 29/05/2011 21:54

Surely it's best that they do get on with her? Children don't need animosity in their lives. I know it's hard but remember that YOU are their Mum and are irreplacable.

anothermum92 · 29/05/2011 21:58

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Original poster
Barney4 · 29/05/2011 21:58

New Years Eve 2009/2010 was the first time he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. At this time I was already asking if there was anything going on between him and the other woman. I got the usual lines in reply, of corse not I love you, wouldn't do that to you etc. I was due to have our second child in the January and over the next couple of weeks and months he wondered why I wasn't trying my hardest to win back his love, not that I knew I was competing against her at the time, but nearly due to give birth and then coping with a new born and a two and a half year old being a sex kitten and home goddess to win his love and affection back wasn't top of my priority list. At the end of last May he told me he loved her but he didn't leave the family home until September when him being out all the time seeing her and leaving me to tell lies to my eldest about where his daddy was got to much for me and I kicked him out. He bought a new flat and moved her straight in in January this year.
I have found out recently that in November 2009 when he was away he bought her a necklace so it was going on for a while behind my back. And in early 2010 when we were meant to be saving our marriage and he was showing little interest it was because he was seeing her all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barney4 · 29/05/2011 22:06

One thing I have never done is say anything bad about the OW to my children. Whenever my eldest mentions her I just ask him about something else or change the subject. I will just let him make his own decision when he is old enough to realise what is going on. It's just hard hearing him having a good time with his other family...

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 29/05/2011 22:09

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Dozer · 29/05/2011 22:23

Am so sorry OP, sounds really hard. Agree with lazarus, you are the most important person for them, who takes care of them with love day-in-day-out. Just keep doing what you're doing, try not to think about your ex and the OW and do a few more things for yourself if you can.

Dozer · 29/05/2011 22:25

Think you said eldest is only 3 - tbh my 3-year-old would "like" anyone who took her out / gave snacks / treats / was generally nice to her etc. At that age they are too small to understand the emotions of it all and people's relationships.

Firepile · 29/05/2011 22:36

Hi Barney,

So sorry to hear that you are having to cope with this. It is awful.

I really struggle with the fact that my H introduced OW to DS without telling me he was going to. I was gutted because he had put DS in the position of being complicit in something that he knew (because he is not stupid) would make me sad. And because we had agreed that he wouldn't meet new partners. But mostly because it confirmed that this wan't a temporary blip, and that he was never coming home. The thought of them playing happy families is so upsetting and so fucking unfair. I keep thinking "how many spiffing days out is it going to take to make up for the fact that daddy doesn't live at home anymore?"

But - as others have pointed out: I am grateful that she is kind to DS. And it is easier for DS that he gets on all right with her. And my brilliant friend always points out that "kids can never have too many people to love them". Which is true. And it helps me to remember that, even though the situation is so horrible.

Original poster
Barney4 · 29/05/2011 22:39

Thanks for your posts. Was feeling low and wanted to hear from other people in the same boat as me. Nice to know I'm not alone in all this. It's helped getting the replies so thank you. Need to sign off now but am going to get a beer and watch Doctor Who on Iplayer knowing I can have lay in tomorrow :) whereas they will be woken up early by the boys

OP posts:
HauntedLittleLunatic · 29/05/2011 22:40

You are doing well. You are doing better than me.

XP has been having an EA with OW for 18m. It started to move torwards physical territory Feb this year, and I kicked him out.

OW lives over the road. XP lives round the corner. OW's DCs are friends (but not the same year group) as my DCs.

I asked XP to respect the fact that I did not want my DCs in teh same house as hers (she is still denying affair to her DH who is incidently XPs best friend - supposedly Hmm). This was a response to the fact that XP could not deny that he had used his own children to assist the re-kindling of their relationship behind her DH's back. He admitted using her DCs to wind me up. He has also acknowledged the concerns I have raised over the S^&t that will kick off when OWDH learns the truth...and I seriously worry about the harm that could come to the DCs when that happens (emotional rather than physical).

He defined the boundaries (not to be in teh same house together) , he defined the consequences (I would prevent him having access at a time when he would be able to have them in the house together). He hasn't stuck to boundaries so I have adjusted contact (not reduced, just adjusted times). I do feel shit for doing it. I wish it didn't bother me. But ATM I can't tolerate my DCs telling even little things like "OW has teh same bubble bath as you but in chocolate" "Can you take us to OW house please mummy, you are her friend".

Anyway, enough of the rant...wha I am trying to say is that I know it is hard. I don't cope with it. XP has had them this weekend and I have just sat in bed and wallowed literally all weekend. Hats off to you. You are a stronger woman than I.

PoppaRob · 30/05/2011 00:19

Dads live with their kids. Mums live for them. When my wife and I split and my daughter would tell me all about Mum's new partner and how cool he was it definitely hit a nerve, but it was just a kid telling me about her day... that's what kids do. Fast forward five or so years and my daughter came to live with me, so I'm sure the ex got to hear all about what we'd all been up to. We don't own our kids, we just have them on loan, but our kids do learn from watching our example.

ohmyfucksy · 30/05/2011 00:35

Firepile - 'kids can never have too many people to love them' - that's a nice way of looking at it, actually

Agree, 3 year olds are the most mercenary creatures on the planet.

goodkate · 30/05/2011 00:51

Oh Barney4

Don't get too sad - it's horrid I know - you are their mum and there is no one in the world like you - you are and will always be the best person in the world.

I have been tried by my ex for 9 years now but it all just washes over in the end. And my DD's just roll their eyes at him now.

Be nice, be polite, ask about their weekend and then forget about it, cos thats what the kids do! You are the most wonderful person in the world!

springydaffs · 30/05/2011 09:42

I once heard the OW asking my boy if he wanted a bacon sandwich when he was on the phone to me. it nearly killed me. (how dare she ask my boy if he wanted a bacon sandwich!!). I have not been the jealous type but when it comes to my kids - RRRRAAAAAAAAAARRRRHHHHH

it's not not NOT fair but you have to live through it somehow, There was a time when men who did this type of thing were viewed with disdain by the community ie men who left women, pg or with (small) children - and the OW was treated like dirt. not any more Angry

at first i used to find the weekends when they went to them very hard (my kids are grown now), literally sat staring into space for at least the first day. go easy on yourself, let yourself grieve. Look after yourself, treat yourself. It does get easier. it turns out she was very jealous of and threatened by me - GOOD xx

smokinaces · 30/05/2011 09:53

Its really hard. My boys had a year of just them and their dad, now its been a year of them being with his girlfriend. They adore her.

Its hard, but its important for them. I would much rather they have someone there who adores them back, buys them little treats, gives them cuddles in the night, gets them ready for bed and treats them well than any alternative. Its hard, not because I know her (shes been a friend for many years, in fact made a play for him before we were married) but because every weekend they get that family unit. They get to go out the 2 parents, 2 children, to be a family. Something i never get to do.

But she is a nice person. And it must be hard for her as well - at the end of the day her partner is still technically married to me, and we have 2 children so she can never sever that tie. But we're all trying. I took the boys out for icecream at the local shopping centre the other day - she was there on her lunch break and came over to say hello. It was awkward for me, but the boys loved that they'd seen her. And what they feel is most important, however much it hurts me.

onlyone · 30/05/2011 09:54

hauntedlittlelunatic - are you and I living parallel lives. Only good thing for me is the OW does not live across the road.

She really is a bitch in your case and believe me when the shit does hit the fan the fallout is phenomenal. My OWs DP found out earlier in the year and finally spoke to me - he was devastated and so hurt. I suppose I had believed many of the lies she had told me about him and to find out that most of them were that - lies, made me realise what an evil cow she really was. The thought of her in my DCs lives fills me with rage and she controls that - because I do not want them to have a crap time so I smile and keep quiet whilst inside me a rage grows, I wait for the day that they are old enough and independent to really tell her what I think of her.

I feel like the OW has won, as she still has control over my life because of the DCs and she knows I will not do anything to give her reason to be vindictive to them.

smokinaces · 30/05/2011 09:57

Barney, it does get easier having that time alone as well. I get 24 hours every weekend, and I love it now. Whether its curling up with a DVD and a bottle of wine, or going out for dinner or drinks with friends - or getting a chance to get my haircut!!

My friends always say I have the best of all worlds - a job 3 days a week, my kids 6 days a week, but 1 day a week to be the single girl. I never saw it like that until someone said they were jealous of it - shows that sometimes people can envy your life too.

MonstaMunch · 30/05/2011 10:40

my sisters FIL left the MIL for another woman about 30 years ago probably more, he is still with the woman he left her for

the grown up kids, and now the grandchildren arent allowed to mention her name or allude to her in any way. When he visits them with the other woman, they tell the kids not to tell granny

Ridiculous

Just because two people cant make a marriage work, dont push it onto the kids and make them feel guilty. Thats their dad, its not the kids fault the relationship didnt work out

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