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Original poster

Epiphany - He's only with me because he couldn't find anyone else

38 replies

TheGrandEpiphany · 29/05/2011 17:53

I was just doing the ironing and thinking about things and it hit me - DP only wanted to get back with me because he couldn't find anyone else.

Before anyone says it, I have posted about my relationship before but it has suddenly hit me that I am being a total bloody mug.

Brief history - We lived together and he lied CONSTANTLY about allsorts, lied to my face on many occasions, even when confronted with evidence he STILL stood there and lied through his teeth. He laughed about me and slagged me off behind my back, showed horrendous hypocrisy regarding many things and was very controlling (we'd be in the supermarket, I'd pick up a pack of biscuits and suggest we buy them, he'd immediately pick up the ones next to them and say they were better and put them in the trolly. Sounds petty but he did it with everything I picked up just so that he was the one in control).

Anyway we seperated and he moved out. He blamed it all on the fact that we both had kids and different parenting styles so we would always clash. He swore he'd never get withone that had kids again. A WEEK after he moved out he'd joined a dating site and began speaking to a number of women with kids as well as a few without. He sent TONS of messages but with the dodgy picture he used and his terrible English skills he either got ignored or outright rejected "you're not what I'm looking for, sorry" etc.
I know all this because I was reading his emails (I had other, good reason for this).

He also tried getting friendly with a girl from work, bought her expensive birthday present (more than he'd ever spent on me) and began texting her all the time. The last message to her asked if she'd been getting his texts regarding dropping off her birthday present as it wasn't like her to ignore texts. From this I drew the conclusion that he had freaked her out (he's 37, she's early 20s and as far as I know, was/is involved with someone).

So a few weeks later he came around to my house and said he'd always loved me and had been missing me like mad and really thought it would work if we got back together but carried on living seperately. i never confronted him about the dating site/girl from work as i didnt want him to know I'd been in his emails. Somehow i got talked around and it has worked ok so far but I'm SO ANGRY about the past and at what he did when he moved out and it has suddenly hit me right now - the only reason he wanted to get back with me is because he realised it wasn't going to be easy finding anyone else!!!!

Am I right???

OP posts:
slug · 29/05/2011 17:56

Yes

HerHissyness · 29/05/2011 17:59

Yup.

So what are you going to do about it?

Cos you do know that he'll go back to being bloody awful again, don't you?

End it, you deserve better in life than have a cocklodger for a companion.

hairylights · 29/05/2011 17:59

So, what are you going to do about it then? It sounded pretty doomed from the point at which you were reading his emails after you'd split up.

hairylights · 29/05/2011 17:59

Cross post with hissy Grin

Original poster
TheGrandEpiphany · 29/05/2011 18:03

Basically I think he doesn't want a full time partner. He wants a companion for gigs/days out etc with added sex.

He has no friends so without me, he doesn't go out and has no social life.

I mean, earlier on I was speaking to him and we were on about the summer holidays. He said "we won't get to see each other much during the summer holidays, if at all with the kids being off. Oh well, we'll manage".

So he's perfectly fine with the fact that he won't see me for seven weeks? that's not normal in a healthy relationship, is it?

What am I going to do? well I'm in two minds - I really want to have it out with him about the dating sites and the girl from work but he'll just use the excuse that we were seperated at the time etc - I feel so angry over it all

OP posts:
buzzsore · 29/05/2011 18:04

Yes.

totallylost · 29/05/2011 18:06

When do you see each other currently? Don't see what difference the cummer holidays should make.

totallylost · 29/05/2011 18:07

oops summer not cummer obviously Blush

LilQueenie · 29/05/2011 18:07

drop him on his ass. Tell him where to go and dont take him back.

buzzsore · 29/05/2011 18:07

Say "you know what, I've had an epiphany, and I've realised I don't actually want or need you in my life - get gone".

You don't need to explain yourself or for him to do something new to hurt you to end it. You deserve more than being the fall-back position.

Original poster
TheGrandEpiphany · 29/05/2011 18:24

Currently we see each other on his day off during the week and ever other weekend when the kids are at their dad's house. We won't be able to see each other on his day off as the kids are here during the summer hols and their dad doesn't have them as much during the holidays because of his job. It was just the way he was seemingly unconcerned by it. Its like the other day he said "I'll text you tomorow if I get time" get time?? he only works in a bloody supermarket as a shelf stacker, it's not as if he has a really busy, responsible job, how could he NOT be able to spare 5 minutes to text?

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 29/05/2011 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluebelle38 · 29/05/2011 18:30

God, he sounds like a total LOSER.

Cut your losses now, work on getting your self esteem up so you don't ever settle for so little again.

You should be thanking your lucky stars you are not married to him.

If I were you I'd take great joy in telling him that he just doesn't offer you enough and send him packing :)

Xales · 29/05/2011 18:30

Yep you are spot on, go and look in the mirror and spot the M U G on your forehead.

Now kick him to the kerb and wash it off.

garlicbutter · 29/05/2011 18:32

He's with you because it's hard to find anyone else who'll let him pull their strings like you do.

When he tries to put other people in their place with things like "I'll text you if I have time", they tell him not to bother - goodbye.

You don't. Why is that?

Original poster
TheGrandEpiphany · 29/05/2011 18:33

Because I'm weak and don't like confrontation - why is it I always feels like the bad guy? I always feel guilty - I always go out of my way to avoid upsetting other people even if it means trampling all over myself in the process Sad I know I should just tell him.

"Look, I've been thinking - we shouldn't have got back together. We split originally because of the lying, deceit, backstabbing and controlling and besides the fact that I can't forget the stuff you did when we were together, I also happen to know what you did in the weeks after you left. How could you have been missing me when you were desperately trying to pull other women?
It's just not going to work. I deserve more than being a weekend fuck-buddy. You don't love me. I want someone who does.
Best Wishes".

That's what I WANT to say. But I know I just can't. I don't know why Sad

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 29/05/2011 18:38

Oh dear :(

Were you brought up to be a doormat? You sound in urgent need of an assertiveness course. How about seeing whether there's a Freedom Programme near you?

If you really can't say Get Lost - but really have had your epiphany - send him a note! Or even a text. You don't have to explain, you know! With ordinary people, it's just good manners to end a relationship reasonably, but he gave up his rights to reasonableness ages ago.

HerHissyness · 29/05/2011 18:40

OK, save that speech. You'll need it later, but not now!

Over the summer he reckons you won't see much of him cos of the kids, then GREAT, don't make any effort to see him at all, and let it die out.

If he does press you for time together, make up an excuse and say you can't make it.

At the end of the summer, when the DC are back in their routine THEN trot out the "It's not you, it's me..... " Grin and hit him with your words above!

HerHissyness · 29/05/2011 18:41

I could never again allow myself to be made to feel like this by a mere bloke.

totallylost · 29/05/2011 18:42

Great idea HerHissyness, will give you time and space away from him to be sure its what you want and if he notices if he cares he will make an effort to change things and if he doesn't notice .....theres your answer.

TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 18:45

The whole time you are with this person the man you should be with who will treat you right is not going to come to you.

MadamDeathstare · 29/05/2011 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzsore · 29/05/2011 18:47

Text him that message, then block his number.

MadamDeathstare · 29/05/2011 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thornykate · 29/05/2011 18:51

Reading your OP if sounds like a big reason he is with you is because a lot of other women won't accept his behaviour.

That's different from only being with you as he can't get with anyone else.

Please don't take over from where he left off in damaging your self esteem. I know it's an over used phrase but you do deserve better than him.