Epiphany - He's only with me because he couldn't find anyone else

[TheGrandEpiphany]

I was just doing the ironing and thinking about things and it hit me - DP only wanted to get back with me because he couldn't find anyone else.

Before anyone says it, I have posted about my relationship before but it has suddenly hit me that I am being a total bloody mug.

Brief history - We lived together and he lied CONSTANTLY about allsorts, lied to my face on many occasions, even when confronted with evidence he STILL stood there and lied through his teeth. He laughed about me and slagged me off behind my back, showed horrendous hypocrisy regarding many things and was very controlling (we'd be in the supermarket, I'd pick up a pack of biscuits and suggest we buy them, he'd immediately pick up the ones next to them and say they were better and put them in the trolly. Sounds petty but he did it with everything I picked up just so that he was the one in control).

Anyway we seperated and he moved out. He blamed it all on the fact that we both had kids and different parenting styles so we would always clash. He swore he'd never get withone that had kids again. A WEEK after he moved out he'd joined a dating site and began speaking to a number of women with kids as well as a few without. He sent TONS of messages but with the dodgy picture he used and his terrible English skills he either got ignored or outright rejected "you're not what I'm looking for, sorry" etc.
I know all this because I was reading his emails (I had other, good reason for this).

He also tried getting friendly with a girl from work, bought her expensive birthday present (more than he'd ever spent on me) and began texting her all the time. The last message to her asked if she'd been getting his texts regarding dropping off her birthday present as it wasn't like her to ignore texts. From this I drew the conclusion that he had freaked her out (he's 37, she's early 20s and as far as I know, was/is involved with someone).

So a few weeks later he came around to my house and said he'd always loved me and had been missing me like mad and really thought it would work if we got back together but carried on living seperately. i never confronted him about the dating site/girl from work as i didnt want him to know I'd been in his emails. Somehow i got talked around and it has worked ok so far but I'm SO ANGRY about the past and at what he did when he moved out and it has suddenly hit me right now - the only reason he wanted to get back with me is because he realised it wasn't going to be easy finding anyone else!!!!

Am I right???

echo madamdeathstare do it! do it!

dont let yourself be treated this way. You have had an epiphany, so DO something about it.

I think you made a mistake to take him back at all

You can put that right now

You don't owe anyone a relationship, least of all a prick like this

It can be very difficult to stand up for yourself and put your own needs first when you've had potentially many years of feeling that you're not worth it.

Let the crap that happened when you were apart go. As you said yourself, he'll only say (in the words of Ross) "we were on a BRREEAAAKKKK" and turn it all round to be about you, your insecurities, the fact you were reading his emails, blah blah blah.

It sounds to me like you don't even need to wait til summer. Just don't contact him, and see how long it takes before he bothers to contact you. Personally I would say you've had a chance to reflect on how the relationship ended and think your incompatibilities go beyond parenting styles, and as such you've decided to leave things be. Best of luck and ta-ta.

And then I think you need to focus on improving your self-esteem, which in turn will allow you to feel more assertive and confident. Whether that's counselling, or an evening class you enjoy, or even walking round a supermarket shouting "I'M BUYING THESE BISCUITS BECAUSE I BLOODY WELL WANT TO" (probably don't do the last one, at least not out loud).

Good luck!

I like the sound of the last one lol

See he text me earlier saying "I'm bored, what you upto?"

And again just now "still bored, what you upto?" It is blatently obvious that the only reason he wants me around is because without me, he'd have nobody. He knows without me he wouldn't get his days out, he wouldn't get to go and see the bands he likes, he wouldn't get laid!! I'm his mates and his part time girlfriend all in one. If I was a bloke, the only thing he'd miss is the sex.

The other day I was off work Monday, he didn't start work until 2pm. I did hint but didn't suggest outright because I wanted to see if he'd suggest anything himself. So, I get a text saying "Just thought, if you're off tomorow I may as well come down for a bit before I go to work?"

When he got here he said "I may as well come here before I go to work, got nothing better to do".

You see, I have often wondered if he has aspergers because some of the stuff he says is BLATENTLY offensive but he genuinly doesn't realise until it's pointed out to him. Still, not making excuses, that's no excuse for the lies and everything else that has happened.

it's just as likely is a bad-mannered, self-entitled twat

he

NOthing more to add really, other than to agree with everyone else. Ask youself what makes his happiness more important than yours? I think you'll find the answer is - NOTHING! So put yourself first and get him out of your life!

He is just suiting himself and you have - until now - allowed that.

He will never make you happy so get rid of him asap and start to build a happy life for yourself.

I don't think Aspergers can explain his lies and deceit so stop trying to work out what goes on in his tiny mind. Who cares.

He's a user, and pathetic to boot.

"Because I'm weak and don't like confrontation - why is it I always feels like the bad guy?"

Sometimes in life you have to be the bad guy. Learn to feel empowered by it and enjoy it. I'm not suggesting you become a troublemaker :) but if you save yourself up for some real 'ass-kicking' every now and again, when someone has really bent you out of shape, its very therapeutic. It does not make you a bad person.

Watch Kill Bill for an OTT example of a woman having to be the bad guy. Do not arm yourself :) but enjoy the process of someone going through a lot of difficulty to take control and ultimately revenge!

This chap sounds rotton to you and a bad example to your DCs. For their sake and yours do not engage with him.

Just want to point out, Epiphany, that it doesn't matter whether he's got Asperger's. If you're right about that - and he says "I may as well come here before I go to work, got nothing better to do" because he's an Aspie - then he's telling you exactly how he feels. Which is that he doesn't care about you, just needed to fill in some time.

I still think that my XH#2 has ASD. But that doesn't make it all right to be a selfish, manipulative user! It just makes him a twunt with Asperger's.

There wouldn;t actually, be anything wrong with having a casual partner that you have sex with and go to gigs with now and again.
There is everything wrong with having a partner, casual or committed, who is rude to you and bullies you and makes it very clear that he doesn't like you very much but considers you some kind of facility he can use. When you've dumped this bloke, make yourself a promise that you won't date or look for a partner for at least a year. Spend that year sorting out your boundaries and your knob radar. I expect you have either had abusive partners before this particular one, or grew up in a family of bullies. You don't have to spend the rest of your life like this.